Sunday, 15 April 2012

Angry Days

I am angry. Very irritable and angry. Because?
Actually, I have no reason to be angry, I just am.  I can only attribute it to fucking up my meds this week (didn't get myself organised to get to the Chemist for a repeat prescription) and as a result have had several sleepless nights (Does anyone else find Zolpidem sends you hyper, or is it just me?) and have been reading into situations which simply don't exist culminating in a tirade of rage on FB - thank's to the lovely M who phoned me today and suggested I deleted those posts - love a gal who tells me how it is.
I hate it when I am like this.  I feel so detached from everything and every one around me.  I try to occupy myself so that I am distracted, but when I am on my own at home, surfing the net, these thoughts are hanging in the background making me worse and worse.  I am aware that is happening but I don't seem able to stop it and then I wind myself into a frenzy. Meh. I think it's time for a new Crisis Plan.
I tried to make an appointment to register at a surgery for when I return to the UK (5th May!!!).  I decided to go back to my old surgery from many years ago and thought that if I pre-booked an appointment for my return then I wouldn't need to panic about my meds running out (I have enough left for this month), plus can get back into the system asap.  So the conversation went something like this (I had to telephone as their email address does not work):
Me: "Yes Hello I am just phoning from Switzerland to..." 
Doctors receptionist "Can I put you on hold sorry".....wait......"Yes hello" 
Me: I wondered if I could arrange an appointment to register as.... 
"Yes, we are taking on new patients, just come into the surgery with the relevant paperwork, goodbye". 
I had spent 20 minutes practising what to say and then another 5 building up the courage to phone and explain my situation.  so of course, being the pathetic wimp who is currently totally overwhelmed by everything involved in moving back to the UK, I spent the rest of the afternoon curled up in bed sobbing my heart out with anxiety.  Thank god for Seroquel and my cat. Plus my friend who works for the NHS and will certainly be in touch with said surgery (she used to work for the PCT making checks on doctor's surgeries so I wouldn't want to be said Doctor's receptionist when she calls.
It's not so much making the appointment, it's the timescale.  I return to the UK 5th May.  It's Bank Holiday weekend apparently so there is no chance I will get an appointment for that week if I don't pre book.  First, I have to have an appointment with the Practice Nurse to register me.  Then they need to process me.  Then I need to know which doctor I am with so that I can get my Swiss Psychiatrist to send a report, plus get a repeat prescription because I will need meds asap. And I will need at least half an hour with new GP. This could take weeks. (Months?). I can't afford to be without mental health support for this length of time, particularly after making yet another life changing choice - these tend to be trigger points for me.  Of course, I know if I am a danger to myself then I can get my friend to take me to A&E but I do tend to rather think of myself (when I am in crisis) that I am a waste of space, taking up resources needed for sicker people, don't want to be a burden etc. etc. (The usual crap we mentalists tell ourselves).
Anyhoo, I have been in hiding most of the day after my FB comments which basically had told people living here to "Fuck Off" and have just enjoyed a night in of NCIS and CSI repeats.  Lovely. 

Monday, 2 April 2012

Did I do the right thing?

I am a twitter user and last week I had a situation where I hope I did the right thing.
A user I follow posted a link to her blog which said that (amongst other things) that this was goodbye. Now being a mentalist I wasn't sure if she meant goodbye to blogging or whether she was not safe. I tweeted back that I was worried but didn't get a reply. Then another user tweeted he was also worried. Anyway, after tweets back and forth and the fact the tweeter has a daughter from the info I could gleen about her, both myself and another tweeter phoned a U.S police department to do a welfare check.
They did the welfare check and all was OK, but I felt an enormous sense of guilt afterwards - Did I do the right thing?
Was I interfering? Did I read too much into what had been posted? I know if I had the police turn up at my door I would probably be really pissed off, especially if I was suicidal.  I don't know, it felt like the right thing to do at the time, but afterwards I felt I had made a lot of fuss about nothing.
I was expecting this week to be relatively quiet at work but it has turned out to be majorly busy.  Technically my contract ran out last Saturday but Ski School aren't worried by that.  However, the office is totally disorganised.  I won't bore you with the details but I am pretty exhausted and today couldn't even lift my head up off the pillow.  I telephoned and lied, saying I was vomiting and had an upset stomach and that I really couldn't work.  My boss asked what they should do.  I held my temper and did not shout "I don't fucking know, you're the boss".  Later, they phoned me (repeatedly I might add) and asked if I was OK.  I said yes and then was told that if I am not in tomorrow then "we are in the shit".  So now I feel enormously pressurised and have also found out that not only do I have to do my job, but on top of that I have to teach as well, plus babysit a kid until 5pm.  So I will be working 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. without a break and then on to my other job which is half an hour at the end of the day closing up a shop.
I am totally drained.  I haven't even booked my flight back to the UK yet, or started packing.  I managed to clean my apartment yesterday and I have to say it looks cosy and back to how it should be.  I have ignored my ex boyfriend (I can't even cope with him at the moment) and told him I would see him tomorrow (in case he had any ideas about coming round here).  I can feel myself sliding a bit but have no time to go and speak to anyone, just to let off some steam and calm myself down.
I think I need some chocolate.

Monday, 27 February 2012

Everyone leave me the FUCK ALONE

Not in a good place right now.  One, the stress of work.  Each problem in isolation is not a big deal.  I just have lots of stupid problems and people to deal with on a daily basis in ski school - whinging parents, dumb ski instructors that feel the need to behave in a way that I have to repeat to them every day how to run a ski lesson, ski instructors losing children, parents complaining that there isn't an instructor that speaks their language (usually the dutch - it's fucking SWITZERLAND for christs sake) and on and on and on.
To add to this today, ex had a visit from the debt lady.  I should explain, it is my debt and to do with the health insurance.  As the insurers have had no luck with me, they have decided to chase him for the debt.  Which means they have ignored all the letters from me, my psychiatrist and my social worker. And my ex is now having a go at me (rightly so in some respects) but if he got of his arse and DID something instead of expecting everyone around him to sort out his problems, including me, then maybe someone would listen.  Instead, I get the blame for everything, including how crap his life is. Do you think he has given me one ounce of support over this health insurance thing? NO. No conversation like what do I need to do, where are the copies of the letters you have sent them, don't worry, I can give them a call, etc. NOTHING. Just tells me he can't cope with it all.  Fucking systemised army brainwashed life with no responsibility for real life stuff like...well.....real life stuff.  He left over 10 years ago and still can't talk to a fucking bank employee without losing his rag. Cue me in tears most of the day (hiding in the equipment room out of sight).  And I lost my FUCKING sunglasses that are really expensive.
Fuck fucking fuckity fuck fuck fucking cunts the lot of them.

Thursday, 16 February 2012

I'm still here

Wow - didn't realise how long it has been since I last posted.  Once Ski school started I have been thrown in at the deep end, told on day 2 that I needed to work more hours and an adhoc job in a shop that I have worked in on and off for a couple of years has become a daily pastime.
So, my review of 2011 (a bit late, I know):
January - drunk. relationship problems
February - dumped.  Drank some more
March - breakdown Overdose of tablets and stay in hospital.
April - moved into own studio apartment.  Holiday in England for 2 weeks. Drank lots
May - looked for work. Signed on at jobcentre
June - no work
July - no work
August - Started walking friend's dog when she returned to college. Finally felt a semblance of "home" in my new apartment.
September - all too much.  Lots of doctor's appointments, psych appointments. Meds changed. Doc's wanted me to go into psychiatric clinic.
October - went back to UK for 3 weeks instead of Psychiatric clinic. Similar.
November - waited for snow
December - snow came, ski season started.  Went from no work to 44 plus hours a week.

And then 2012. After a crappy Christmas (working so didn't even open my few presents until a couple of days later) and a lonely New Year (ended up drinking too much and sadly joining the tourist info girls for a drink outside in the rain) I then had my birthday to look forward to. Only before that, the dog which I had been walking unfortunately had to be put down.  He was 2 years old nad had an incurable autoimmune disease.  I still miss him (I am more of a cat person but this dog was ace) and cried lots.
The rest of January I was wrestling with the demon drink and knew I was drinking too much, every day as a routine.  The 30th of January was the last time alcohol passed my lips.  Wish me luck.  My friend in Spain who has been dry for over 4 years has been a lot of support and very inspirational.
February so far has been too busy for me to think, let alone write anything.  My mood has dropped - so far this year I have felt pretty manic and on top of the world.  Now I feel like shit.  I got Bronchitis and a Sinus infection last week and had 2 days off work, plus yesterday and today (not a popular decision with Ski School as it is the busy season i.e. time off only if you are dying) but I felt sooo grotty and am so exhausted that I couldn't get out of bed that it was a tough but necessary decision.  I am not sure if this is the depression creeping in again.
Sometimes I think I might as well just go back to the UK now and forget going at the end of season.  But I want to make sure everything is square here before I leave.  All my wages go directly to the Social now and I send them my bills for them to pay.  Luckily in January I earned 3500 chf (about 2000gbp) - sounds a lot hey, but you don't live in Switzerland.
Good news about my apartment though - my ex has decided to take it on as it is cheap and "our" cat lives here - he doesn't want him to move again.  This is great as the catflap is fitted to a window which I would have had to get replaced.  Plus it is warm (hence my ex has stayed over 5 nights out of the last 7 as he has no heating).
I don't know, all feels like such a muddle at the moment.  I just want to get packed and get over to England but am disillusioned by the state of the UK, living in a town I hate and the need to earn money.