Well I wanted to sleep

And sleep I did. That will teach me to take medication in the dark. Took the big pill instead of the little one (broke packet into my mouth so wouldn't lose the tablet on the floor) by which time it was too late. Slept most of today, still have haunting thoughts, boyfriend pissed off with me, am feeling very dizzy and sick. Ate a shedfull of food and stayed in bed.

Early Morning Wakeup call

It's 2.40a.m. and I have woken up as usual. The 3a.m. hour has developed in the last few weeks - I haven't had this much trouble with my sleep since....well......I think over a year ago. The pharmacist owner Maryanne (Apothekerin) asked me if I was stressing about anything and then it hit me - this had started once my work hours had been cut.

It's not like I am consciously thinking about this (apart from playing in my mind a scenario where I sue his dutch ass for making me involuntarily unemployed) but I guess it is just there. I'm not sure if I am in denial, more ignoring the problam, not that it will ever go away but the tuth is too big and scaary to comprehend.

So I have been taking a teensy dose of seroquel to help me - the drawback with this is that it makes me really really groggy the next day and tired for most of it, not something I usually experience with that either. I think I am in some kind over oversleeping/stress waking cycle and can't seem to get out of it. It's so frustrating. Probably typing on this doesn't help either!

The other major thing which plays on my mind when I am trying to sleep is her. Let me explain who "her" is. She has stolen my life. She has the interests of my ex, she has wormed her way into his family who haven't contacted me for the last six years (I know what you are saying - contact them - I have done in the past but after a year gave up when I wasn't getting any replies), she is there in photos with him at functions when it should be me. I have lost the best friend I have ever had in my life and she, being perfect and funny and happy all the time, has taken my place. Of course someone like that would. Who wants to deal with a depressed person? But my heart aches. "Her" even mocked me - spoke to a friend of mine saying that there was nothing between her and him - when I hadn't told anyone how I felt. So that caused some problems with my current boyfriend. Well of course it would, how can I be like this about my ex when I should want to be with J?

My feelings are mixed with loyalty to J, losing "the one", jealousy (not an emotion that I have experienced much in the past but since my ex dumped me I have experienced a lot - I guess I am more insecure again) and generally feeling bad about myself. Even though my ex would call me a victim, I feel out of control of my emotions and can't react reasonably to stuff like this or deal with rejection. Hey, it is atypical depression after all! So then I start feeling bad about feeling bad etc. and so the whole process goes in a circle.

My appointment last Thursday was rescheduled because the psych was off sick so I have to wait until next Thursday to be assessed for nutters united group. How on earth am I going to be able to accept the past and how things are, I just don't think I can do it, I've tried and tried and tried but that's why I went back on tablets because I can't. I don't think I can ever settle knowing I have lost him forever. I know I am such a problem to everyone.

Great, now I am crying, not big wracking sobs but tears flowing and heart ache. Two days ago started thinking about death a lot. Again. Looked this up on the internet to see why I would think this and found something about suicidal ideation. The good thing is that apparently I don't want to die, I am just obsessed with dying. But that I may make an attempt. Great, so then everyone will think I am an attention seeker rather than someone who can't express how I feel because if I will do I will have a breakdown (I can feel it lurking) and just wants to sleep and not think (right at this moment I really want to sleep).

I'm such a mess. Got my normal psych appointment on Monday but I have no idea where to start to try and explain all this. There just seems to be too much noise everywhere that I can't get away from and be alone for a while, just for some peace, especially as there is family staying with us at the moment and I have been trying to keep on a brave face and it's starting to slip.

Not fitter

Well I planned to do exercise but did nothing.

No work

....until 8th august. How the hell am I gonna pay my bills? Just found out that shop workers have no rights here in Switzerland except for the big supermarkets so am stuffed, can't claim anything for the "downtime". At least I am not sacked though. Boss wants to talk it through with my bitch lying colleague on Tuesday. If I could, I would tell him to stuff it.

It hasn't really hit me yet, but when it does I know where I will be.

Anyway, am going to distract myself with a health craze next week - jogging, keep fit and swimming. Don't care what the weather is like.

Time off work, lying colleagues and potholing

Bit of a mixture, I know, but that's been my week so far. It started off with a friend and I trying to find a local legend - the hidden cave in the mountains nearby. it was a fantastic day and I haven't laughed so much in ages, especially when S decided to try her mobile phone inside the cavern! Really enjoyed the moment but of course the inevitable slump will creep in (atypical).

My work schedule this week has been all over the place - the boss is back from America for three weeks and my lying bitch of a colleague changed the work plan without telling me, so I though bollocks to it, I wasn't expecting to work so I am going off for a hike. That mad with her that when my boss phoned I could have quite easily told him where he could stick his job. However, I am bound by the need for money. C's problem is that I work two days a week at the schwimmbad which she knew at the beginning of the season when we all discussed with the boss about how many days/hours etc. that I would be working. At that time though, I couldn't tell them the exact days but as soon as I knew (after my boss went) C was the first person I told. She seems to have conveniently forgotten this and now I have the blame that I can't work those two days a week because she has no-one to look after her child. The other 5 days I have been entirely flexible and have been able to swap some of the pool day around with my colleague there, but why should he change his days off every week so I told him we would not do that any more and I was sticking to the Tues/Weds to work which he is in agreement with. My colleague at the shop, C, works out her schedule based on her husbands work schedule which varies week to week and he never knows until two days in advance. NOT MY PROBLEM IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE A BABYSITTER when they are both working.

So my boss phoned me yesterday and I have to go in today, so he's either going to sack me or shout at me as C is his favourite and worked for him last year. Won't matter that I have been the only one selling anything. Hopefully he will sack me so I can claim some unemployment, I would rather not sign off sick and would rather put up with the anxiety controlled with tablets, even though I am already shaking at confronting him. He can be a very cross Dutch man. the problem is in these situations I get tongue tied and tearful however many times I rehearse what I want to say in my head then my brain gets fuzzy and the anxiety begins.

I have an appointment next week for a discussion with another Psychiatrist type person about attending a support group - I think it might be a DBT based thing but I am not sure. Anyway, it is all in Swiss/German so I guess I will have to focus and try my best at the lingo. Already looking up words for "pissed off", "World fuck off" and "No, I will never get over it". And if they try any of that challenging crap I'm outta there. Bit nervous about it.

My experience of a Swiss Psycho Clinic Part 4

One of the action points in my care plan in some blind hope that I might be able to get a full night’s sleep naturally, was to have a warm, scented bath before bed. Now, not having a bath at home, only a shower, I loved the idea and was rather surprised that we could be unaccompanied and not, as in “Girl, Interrupted” with a nurse supervising all the time (that would kind of defeat the point of relaxing).

The afternoon nurse was too preoccupied with a returning M who wanted to pour her soul out and I was sick of waiting for her attention, so I interrupted and asked if I could have a bath that evening (M could be there for hours hogging all the care staff for herself). The nurse was short with me and in a way rightly so because I interrupted but I thought bollocks to that – if they want a private conversation, go in a private room – don’t be in the nurses’ station with the door open – it wasn’t my fault that there was only one member of staff.

Begrudgingly she ran down the corridor and unlocked the door to the bathroom and left me to it.

I decided to forget about asking for aromatherapy oils from the nurse and as the water started to flow from the taps I adjusted the temperature and found a bottle of bath oil, maybe from a past patient.

I left the water to run as I gathered fresh towels (we had a linen cupboard full of clean bedding and towels which we were allowed to help ourselves to as many times as we wanted.), my pyjamas, dotting backwards and forwards between my room and the bathroom to check the water level before finally locking myself in the bathroom and drawing the (rather flimsy) curtains. I undressed. No mirrors to check whether my love handles were expanding with all the food. Just a framed collage of bathing babies behind a panel of glass. The bath jutted out into the room rather than flush against the wall and I wondered why this was. Then I realised it was probably so that the nurses could stand either side and lift somebody out if they had tried to kill themselves (with the glass from the framed baby picture) and to be honest I had the time undisturbed and the equipment (I also had bic razors I could dismantle) had I wanted to.

As I slid into the warm water and floated there, my mind mulled over the times when in a panic attack I had contemplated exiting out of this life and the subsequent decision that I couldn’t leave my boyfriend behind , but hurting myself might just distract me from the pain of being. Why couldn’t I just “be”? Why couldn’t I be one of those people with a permanent smile and happy demeanour who embraced life, even the mundane? My mind was always restless with questions. Why did my brothers speak so cruelly too me? Why had my ex boyfriend left me because he falsely believed I had cheated on him? Why on earth did my current boyfriend want to be with me? I couldn’t find the reasons. Why had so much shit been thrown at me most of my life and why couldn't I deal with it anymore. Why couldn’t I just move on? Why?

These and other questions rolled around me head. Flashbacks of bathing at the house of the parents of my ex boyfriend while they conversed downstairs, the surprise bath J prepared for me after a particularly bad week at work (candles, scented oils – I cried), the new bathroom we’d installed at our house (ex and me) which I had loved. I couldn’t just be in the moment; I had to bring in bittersweet or bad memories.

The tears came inevitably. But I held on as my need to get out of the clinic back to J held on. I couldn’t talk to “them” right now about my fears in case they kept me in longer, which that thought outweighed the long term. It was a no-win situation. (Plus the nurse working that night was a bitch).

Maybe I was just a victim? My ex had called me that once when I slept on the floor as I refused to sleep in the same bed as him until he told me what was wrong. It was so harsh when I was so fragile and at the time (and still now) I didn’t understand how someone who says they love you and stay with you forever through thick and thin and then turn on you like that. This stayed with me and infiltrated my current relationship no matter how hard I tried not to let it. Self preservation – keep your heart wrapped up-once it’s been exposed once, kicked about and stamped on by someone you love,, its once too many.

I wasn’t sure how much longer J would put up with me. I love him but I knew I wasn’t being fair, although I would fight to the death to do anything for him. But he was not just my world, he was my guardian angel throughout my time in the clinic (and before). Patient, kind, forthright, clear and endless love and affection for me. I am so lucky.

I had taken the plunge two weeks earlier telling him about my self-harm and trying to explain about it. I knew he wouldn’t understand having not experienced such feelings but he was amazing. If he was shocked or scared he didn’t let it show just made him more determined to “be there” for me and he was in a way my ex hadn’t. So why couldn't I "get over it"?

Happy Post!

OK, I am going to write something a bit more cheerful as reading the rest of my blog posts is sooooo depressing! Hardly going to help me except track my moods.

So, inspired by DeeDeeRamona's list of do's and dont's in an Acute ward (so true, so true) I have compiled a list of songs to slash wrists to i.e.don't listen to these when you are depressed (Part One).

(You may notice that they are in alphabetical order as I have scrolled through my ipod).

1. Anything by Radiohead. Feel Thom Yorke's pain as a fellow depressionist. Fake Plastic Trees and Street Spirit are particular favourites of mine for having a good old miserable time. Plus OK computer. So lonely.

2. Placebo - Meds, Without You I'm Nothing. Nuff said.

3. You Oughta Know - Alanis Morrisette. My favourite get angry and hate the world/people song. Play it LOUD people. Mary Jane personal favourite of mine and reminds me of happier times long gone, which then makes me depressed.

4. Amy Winehouse - I get a bit peed off with people raving about her, yep she has a good voice but the revival of 60s stylestuff is getting a little tiresome. But I like Back to Black.

5. Beth Orton - She is the greatest singer in the world and I love all her music. Daybreaker again reminds me of happier times and a time when I was severly lovesick as my boyfriend was away for months and I listened to this CD all the time. When you've got the razor out, try Pass in Time (about her mother dying) and Wish I never saw the sunshine (because I did once and now it has gone).

6. Carpenters - Couldn't miss off Karen Carpenter as another fellow depressionist and she managed to die from Anorexia too. Rainy Days and Mondays was written when she ate a slice of bread and was feeling bad, Goodbye to Love because no one really cares if I should live or die (perhaps 2 people in this world would and my psychiatrist)

7. Coldplay - Fix You. Because no-one can. Even I've tried and it doesn't seem to be working.

8. Colin James Hay - Waiting for my real life to begin. Download it peeps. Am still waiting for mine.

9. David Gray - Say Hello, Wave Goodbye, Now and always, Slow Motion. Just the melodies get my tear ducts going.

10. Gary Jules - Mad World (y'know, the version from Donnie Darko, a film which I don't think anyone but us mentalists understand)

11. Goldfrapp - A&E. If I had to, I would like to wake up in Holby City with Dr. Adam Trueman.

12. Johnny Cash - Hurt (a cover of the Nine Inch Nails song). Awesome, haunting. Don't watch the video, you will be collapsing in a heap in a corner.

So there you have it, the first part of my Slash Playlist although I might have to start at song 12 so that I hear it in time.

Anyway, better get off work's computer as I am in the shit if the boss finds out how much time I've spent on it (he is away at the moment).

And for everyone's information, I do NOT want to know what has happened in Series 6 of CSI Miami, as my boyfriends mother told me last night straight after I told her not to tell me. I want to watch it in one go. But now she has taken away an idea to look forward to. AAAAAARRRRGGGGHHHH.

Mundane life

Does anyone else get those days when the mudanity and boringness of life is overwhelming? Or times when the noise, ANY noise just gets on your nerves? Well, i'm having one of them. Tried to distract myself with obsessively solving telegraph crossword clues but ended up thinking about sitting with my ex ad filling them in. Aaaaarrrrggggghhhh. Is there no rest at all? Bad week(life/world etc.)

Hate this fucking rain.

As if it isn't bad enough that I didn't earn any money today because the sodding weather meant the pool was shut, it's also rained hard ALL DAY. I'm starting to take it personally. It's so bloody depressing. I walked over to where J works and thought "well OK, feeling low, get some exercise and let the endorphins kick in" so took deep breaths of the fresh mountain air. Had no effect whatsover, still raining and also cold (may be snow - usually an exciting prospect but only because I can go skiing, "may be" snow is just not good enough).

So was pissed off that I'm so crap I can't even motivate the endorphins to wake up and do something.

Anyway, also have the prospeact of J's mother staying with us for a week/month/who knows how long. Now I understand that he doesn't want her staying with his sister because she bullies her, but I just can't manage to be in any way enthusiastic about it and basically can't be bothered with it all.

Wish I was sat by the sea in my old life (when it was good the last time around), didn't seem to mind the rain then. Instead I'll look at the same sodding mountains (when the fog clears) and feel pissed off. Am also pissed off because got to move apartments again, making this the 28th time I have moved house in 34 years and to be honest, really getting tired of it. Plus you can't just leave an apartment here, oh no, we have to give three month's notice even though we don't have a bloody rental contract, which doesn't matter in Switz because verbal contracts just the same.

My rant is nearly over.

Actually, don't think it is.

So when I worked on Sunday at the pool some kids had broken in, drinking their voddy cokes (they left the plastic cups for me to clear up even though there's a bin) and probably went skinny dipping as there was a beach towel at the bottom of the pool. So I had to go in to get that plus the broken inflatable turtle that's for the kids. I'm not saying I've been perfect and never nicked anything, but it's usually been the traffic cone (hilarious.) or the odd ashtray. Oh, and a golf buggy once but I though they were a kind of free for all thing (apparently they weren't). Anway, the pool doesn't make any money and has to be used as some kind of listed building type thing, so when something like that is broken, it doesn't get replaced. Small town though, have found out who it was.

At least I have heard from my friend M who is such a sweetie and when I lived in the same village as him everyone thought we were having an affair (we weren't, his wife was hence we drowned or sorrows an awful lot). His kids are on facebook and so grown up now. Really wish I could go visit them.

Oh I don't know, everything getting on myy nerves at the moment, feeling a bit out of control and in one of my "raaaaargggghhh" moods. Which usually means I get drunk and make a complete tit of myself and do the stupid emailing everyone and not remembering a thing about it until I look at sent items the next day and cringe.

If only some of my old friends would contact me like they promised they would. Even my ex, at least I would have acknowledgement that he doesn't hate me. I miss him so much. Listening to music with J isn't the same.

Confused, tired, bored with life. What's the point. Surely there is more than this?

Why aren't the bloody meds working. Why don't they call them happy pills? They don't make you happy, just more indifferent to the world around you.

Turn up the heat!

Well, I'm slowly coming out of my low mood now that the weather is slightly better, am almost manic compared to my normal state. Actually feeling positive about life! But don't get too excited - whilst the routine of a working day gives me the structure I need, the fact that I don't always know exactly which days I am working is all a bit unsettling, and I need more regular days off. In fact, my colleague at my shop job has been struggling to find a babysitter and so wants me to work some extra shifts. This is because her husband doesn't know his days off until one or two days beforehand.

This of course means that I then have to try and change my two days work at the swimming pool, which then means that my colleague there is trying to accommodate. All in all I am doing my usual thing of trying to accomodate everyone rather than just telling them all to fuck off and let me work the same days each week.

Anyway, I think I have Monday free, except for teaching aerobics in the evening.

And there I was thinking that working part time would take some of the pressure off me and allow me time to do useful stuff to lift my low moods such as, oh I don't know, meditation? Exercise?

At least I can pay some more of my bills as my pool job pays surprisngly better than I anticipated. My appointment with the kind of debt help people isn't until the end of August though - got to try and hold of the creditors until then.

At least shouty man hasn't contacted me again (yet). The anticipation is killing me.

I've been very good not picking at my skin this week, although the tension of watching Wimbledon has been high. Despite the fact that I know Federer is going to win. Hopp Schweiz!!

J has not been n the best of moods. He has chronic back pain and has been in a shitty mood most of the week, wincing each time he moves and refusing to let me book him in for acupuncture even though it is free on the insurance. I thought about packing him off to the local hospital pain management clinic except for the fact that they take an holistic/psychotherapy approach and he thinks thats a load of shit. I can imagine what his face would be like when they ask him how he feels about his pain and should embrace it as a friend or something.

I am not totally sure whether my meds are working-I keep feeling a bit dizzy/brain + eye co-ordination not quite tying up/shivery feeling, as if I have forgotten to take them (which I haven't). I don't think I am allowed any more with my current dosages so am not sure what to do. Someone has told me it's probably my sensitivity to pressure changes in the atmosphere when the rain comes in. Fucking hippies. I think I just need more drugs. Bring back my Psychiatrist!