Am I going crazy again?

I feel like I have reverted back to 2004.  And why? Well, 2004 was when I last drank heavily on a continuous basis, went out every night partying, behaved inappropriately, was loud, lairy, got told off at work (a lot) and basically felt out of control but DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT.
And that's what it has been like over the last week.  Starting from just over a week ago I was low, depressed, crying for no reason, feeling worthless, avoiding going out of the flat.  Roll on to last Tuesday and suddenly I felt, "why not, let's just go out and socialise" thinking this would be a positive thing and make me feel better rather than holing up at home.
But the problem with me is when I drink, I simply do not know when to stop.
And make a complete tit of myself.

So, to Wednesday night.  I only went out because some bloke, T, who I did some cleaning for said he might pop in the bar to give me the money for the cleaning.  I was going to leave at about 9 o'clock whether he had turned up or not as he was over for the week anyway.  But then....I bumped into another friend, who was waiting for another friend and before I knew it this other friend ordered champagne to celebrate something or other and T rocked up at 10.30 with another friend of mine after they had been to dinner somewhere.  Me getting caught in the moment was a total social butterfly, jumping into conversations thinking I had something useful to contribute, talking like I know about stuff, flitting from one person to the next, flashed my tits to some random person who was a friend of a friend (along with two other girls but it was my idea) and generally made a complete arse of myself.
Afterwards I did calm down a bit and invited N and T back to mine - my ex had left me a bottle of wine and N grabbed one from her staff room.  We all had a nice calm chat back at my place and then N left.  T and I continued talking for another couple of hours and before I knew it we were in bed together.  And it was lovely.  Until Thursday morning after he left and I suddenly felt awful about what I had done - my ex is still a fuck buddy and I felt like I had cheated on him (work that one out cos I can't!) and the whole day did the walk of shame, severely hungover.
Luckily T doesn't want a relationship and neither do I, plus he is über discreet and didn't want my ex finding out either (people seem to be intimidated by him) and so we tiptoed around each other, until he left on the Sunday when he came round and we ended up in bed again (it was better sober!).
Am I out of control?  I don't know.  I feel it.  I've had some setbacks with social services and my health insurance again which has affected my mood.  But I don't understand why I can be so low one day and totally outrageous the next.  I suspect I know the reason why and don't want to admit it to myself or speak to my psychiatrist about it in case he says the dreaded words, but I don't think it's just Atypical Depression.  I mean, I even decided two weeks ago "bollocks to the medication" and seriously thought about just letting the prescription run out and come off the meds (I have been on them 4 years and this is the first time I have ever felt this about the meds).
I am so mixed up.  Anyway, see my social worker tomorrow and hopefully he has good news about my medical bills and that I can book another Psych appointment.
Until then, my friends, take it easy and lay off the wine.
x

Tick tock tick tock

Well not much has been happening in the world of me.
I broke down in the Apotheke (chemist) the other day because I discovered that my health insurer didn't pay any of the bills for my medication last year and my original health insurer (whom I am now back with) will not pay for any further medical treatment until I have paid the arrears (which at 200chf a month will take 15 months). So I am screwed and back to the same position I was in two years ago.  I have no money to pay the arrears and no money to pay the 2000chf or so of medical treatment I have had since they refused to pay.  So I have not been able to make another Psych appointment.  Luckily my lovely chemist (she is the owner) will continue to give me medication as she says I must not take a break from it.  And she told me not to cry, it would be OK and she would speak to my social worker.  I have an appointment with social worker next week.
I am still waiting for my unemployment money (been waiting since April) and probably won't get any more from them as I  have not met my targets last month or this month of applying for 10 jobs a month.  Partly my fault because I have given up and partly that there are no jobs to apply for.  I trawl the internet and the local paper but still nothing I can apply for.  I need French apparently.
I have been a bit tearful the last couple of weeks and isolating myself.  I have been hurt and offended by someone who has defriended me on Facebook for the second time - I don't know what I have done wrong.  Ex boyfriend goes from phoning me 4 times a day to no contact whatsoever.  He says he is in a "bad place" at the moment. But he won't accept any help and doesnt believe in meds or psychotherapy.  He also told a friends ex boyfriend that we had split up because I didnt want a job.  Seeing as we split up in February and my unsuccessful job hunting started in April this just doesn't make sense.  I know I should discuss it with him but can't bring myself to do it as I just keep crying about it and he will get all defensive/deny it etc etc and I just don't have the energy to argue.
So feeling lonely and isolated - I have no connection with the people around me, no possibility of moving to the UK until the debts are paid and no wish to remain here at all.

Typical, am feeling atypically depressed today

So I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist yesterday. I wasn't really in the mood for talking anyway, so the appointment could have been over and done with in five minutes, but I woffled away for half an hour in the end about nothing in particular. He did well to listen - if he was as bored shitless as I felt talking crap then he didn't let it show.

Then today the weather turns shitty and rainy and foggy but I braved the outside to go to one of my many part time jobs - lifeguard at the open air pool in the village. Well it was shut because of the weather and I only get paid for the hours I work, so crappy weather = no money = more bills. Luckily over here most companies are pretty patient if you can't pay immediately - it is normal for purchases to be accompanied by an invoice, perfect for the addicted to internet shopping like myself (having set aside the addiction to smoking and drinking for the moment) as I can click away and soon have lots of lovely, exciting parcels sent my way. You can then phone them up and say, "look, I'm just a bit skint at the moment - could you wait until next month/next year/next century?"and theytell you "yes". Great, except for my shopping addiction which has caused debt again (why why why don't I learn from past mistakes?) and now have the embarassment of going to the social services to say, "look, I know I am a foreigner in your country and I do pay taxes here but I am a crap person and order stuff off the internet I don't need (except for CSI:Miami box sets which are a necessity) and now I can't pay my electric/phone/mobile/health insurance etc. My boyfriend has helped me as much as I can and it is getting embarassing now as I have to ask him to lend me money to buy a train ticket for my sodding appointments in another town and keep nicking his cigarettes which is a punishable offence for a nicotine addict himself. I don't think they can send me home at the moment though - my passport has run out and I can't afford the couple of hundred francs to get it renewed.

I ended up checking out the webpage of one of my exes "flames" who I noticed is 23 years younger than him!! He could be her father!! What a sicko! And the stuff she says she likes on her webpage is exactly like me. Of course, he doesn't know that I know who he sees/shags/dumps etc. but I have my contacts. I am now in the cycle of "why did he dump me, what's wrong with me, I want my old life back" etc. etc. and getting out the photo albums and start blaming myself for being such a crap girlfriend that no wonder he dumped me. Obviously can't tell my current boyfriend about it because I don't think that would go down very well after 4 years This has made me upset and have fleeting thoughts of a) taking a bucket load of every drug I can lay my hands on and go to sleep peacefully and not have to stress myself out with this crap anymore (plus J won't be there) or b) taking apart a razor blade and bloody well make some blood. I have persuaded myself at the moment that neither are a good idea because a) I have to work at the swimming pool tomorrow and I worked bloody hard for my lifeguard certificate IN SWISS so I'll be pissed off if they pump my stomach as I will feel guilty for missing work and upsetting my cat and b) it's summer, bikini time and scars will ruin my tan.

Bloody men. Fuck up your lives for years, even when you haven't seen or spoken to them cos they are in a different country and despite telling you that you remain friends forever, you find out that in fact, they really are lying bastards.

Anyhoo, this stress and anxiety has made me want a drink. So round we go again, bring on the red wine and get pissed, spend money that I don't have in the first place (thank god for bar tabs) and when I recover with the worlds worst hangover the bills are still there.

And there I was yesterday saying that my meds were fine and I feel great. Mind you, given all the stuff in the media and internet it serves me right for giving in to the evil that is the big Pharma and popping those pills like M&M's. (But it feels so gooooood and surely its better than snorting cocaine or something? - not that I have ever done that, I pass out and throw up even after a spliff. Plus I can't take another addiction, it's getting boring now.

Well, I think I will try the "distraction technique" which will not involve red pens or elastic bands (what a load of bollocks that is) and go and watch Holby City and play guess the illness.