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Showing posts with label cant take much more of life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cant take much more of life. Show all posts

Monday, 2 April 2012

Did I do the right thing?

I am a twitter user and last week I had a situation where I hope I did the right thing.
A user I follow posted a link to her blog which said that (amongst other things) that this was goodbye. Now being a mentalist I wasn't sure if she meant goodbye to blogging or whether she was not safe. I tweeted back that I was worried but didn't get a reply. Then another user tweeted he was also worried. Anyway, after tweets back and forth and the fact the tweeter has a daughter from the info I could gleen about her, both myself and another tweeter phoned a U.S police department to do a welfare check.
They did the welfare check and all was OK, but I felt an enormous sense of guilt afterwards - Did I do the right thing?
Was I interfering? Did I read too much into what had been posted? I know if I had the police turn up at my door I would probably be really pissed off, especially if I was suicidal.  I don't know, it felt like the right thing to do at the time, but afterwards I felt I had made a lot of fuss about nothing.
I was expecting this week to be relatively quiet at work but it has turned out to be majorly busy.  Technically my contract ran out last Saturday but Ski School aren't worried by that.  However, the office is totally disorganised.  I won't bore you with the details but I am pretty exhausted and today couldn't even lift my head up off the pillow.  I telephoned and lied, saying I was vomiting and had an upset stomach and that I really couldn't work.  My boss asked what they should do.  I held my temper and did not shout "I don't fucking know, you're the boss".  Later, they phoned me (repeatedly I might add) and asked if I was OK.  I said yes and then was told that if I am not in tomorrow then "we are in the shit".  So now I feel enormously pressurised and have also found out that not only do I have to do my job, but on top of that I have to teach as well, plus babysit a kid until 5pm.  So I will be working 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. without a break and then on to my other job which is half an hour at the end of the day closing up a shop.
I am totally drained.  I haven't even booked my flight back to the UK yet, or started packing.  I managed to clean my apartment yesterday and I have to say it looks cosy and back to how it should be.  I have ignored my ex boyfriend (I can't even cope with him at the moment) and told him I would see him tomorrow (in case he had any ideas about coming round here).  I can feel myself sliding a bit but have no time to go and speak to anyone, just to let off some steam and calm myself down.
I think I need some chocolate.

Sunday, 13 September 2009

How much rivotril?

Bad night because:

Trade event in village. Was going to go but chickened out at last minute, found boyfriend at the bar, told him wasnt staying, he didnt notice my red eyes I suppose but he usually spots that there is something up if I don't want to stay. All the girles had been there already for hours and I didnt feel comfortable with the alcohol or listening to crap nonsense chat that drunk people do. Went home, cried a lot. Tried distraction techniqes, even wasabi didnt work, reading reminded me of ex, so did crossword.

Friend had already phoned not long after I had got home and made me promise I would go and find her at this trade fair. I lied and said I would - she was clearly drunk already. I had no intention of going and sent my boyfriend an SMS to tell him so, that I felt fat and stupid, everyone was drinking and that could he tell everyone to leave me the hell aloneas I was feeling bad enough as it was and didnt want to ruin everyone's fun. "Ok" was his text back.

Two hours later when I am feeling really anxious cos J hadnt called or anything. He told me to always let him know if I didn't feel right which I thought I had with a)the fact that I went home straight away and b) the SMS i sent saying how crap I felt. He told me earlier he was working and probably wouldn't be out long anyway because he was bored already (this was before I left work). Watched House MD as distraction, Hugh Laurie reminded me of ex boyfriend. Tried sleeping, couldnt sleep. Played with cat. NOTHING WORKING. Only one thing for it.

Clearly J wouldnt be back until he was pissed, so as I am not missed, take penknife (which must sharpen as does fuck all), remaining Rivotril and keys to the town ( I work a lot of places). Wanted space to think. Two hours later when people kept phoning me and me diverting call to anserphone, sent J an SMS teling him to leave me alone. He came back to pool really angry (he had already searched tere for me), so felt even more crappy. Clearly the SMS from earlier telling him how shit and fat I felt didnt have an impact, despite him telling me to let him know.

Didnt know what to do, couldt calm down so started rivotril, only 12 in bottle I think. J would not take me to doctors when he found me so I guess no harm done. Walked like a drunkard (even today) but slept well.