Been a while

I haven't felt like writing much this last month or so, mainly because I have been having sever highs and lows plus drinking too much and not having the energy to control my thoughts.  Work started at the beginning of December and I have had a really hard couple of weeks what with all the tourists arriving and trying to supervise my area of the ski school.  Luckily a good friend of mine works on the lifts so between us we have been supporting each other (mainly lots of swearing about how busy it is, drinking coffee and smoking too much).
Communication with my boyfriend has not improved - I have hardly seen him because his work shifts do not coincide with mine so I have mainly been catching up with him in the bar.  Also, until I was paid last week I had to keep asking him for money, mainly to feed my out of control alcohol habit.  I am behaving appallingly and resent him acting like the fun police.  Not sure if that's my drunken state of mind or reality - I am trying to socialise with the people I work with so they see another side to the complete bitch I am at work; I have been enjoying it and feeling happy and popular until the comedown the next day when I feel ashamed and embarrassed.
So I had a shopping spree on a famous online bookshop and ordered as many alcohol self help workbooks etc. with the intention of getting back on track and getting healthy rather than feeding my depression and anxiety. I just hope it works for my self esteem and relationships sake.
Anyway, in my darkest hour I sent a ranting email to my Psychiatrist who I have an appointment with at the end of March (no point before as I have no time with working) - he's asked me to make another appointment earlier which I keep wavering between whether this is a good idea or not and whether I can be bothered to talk about myself any more.
I just feel I am not progressing any more and feel incredibly lonely and isolated throughout all this.

Relationships and communication

Just not happening at the moment..  Tried talking to J last week and he turned everything I said back against me, he just won't listen to me trying to find a compromise.  He finally said he was depressed! I mean, it's not like I haven't noticed his bad moods and his tendency to go off by himself without me and his drinking in the pub at any opportunity. But I get frustrated as he is anti help from anybody and I believe as his girlfriend I should support him, which is hard seeing as I am useless anyway.  I have really tried to make an effort to not show my depression and it just means nothing.  If I keep being pushed away and he won't get professional help, what's the point - it's just dragging me down and so we end up in this endless cycle of misery. He's stopped telling me how he feels about me and it seems the only time he is interested is if he wants sex.
I brought up the possibility that maybe we should split up but he just replied with "where would you go, what would you do, where would you get the money" etc. so I know he still cares but like I said, it wouldn't be his concern then.
I feel stuck in the middle of something I can't get out of.
Health insurer still hassling me and the Swiss authorities are after me for money which I simply don't have. I still have medical bills to pay from 2009! Have emailed a solicitor but haven't heard anything back, no surprise there then.
Have also had to "sign on" as unemployed and have a target of applying for two jobs a week.  Problem is, there aren't any jobs at the moment and as I have a job for winter it's a bit of a pointless exercise.  But I have to do it otherwise I don't get any money, but knowing the Swiss system as I do, they will find any excuse not to pay me and as I have my health insurance premium to pay.....well.

And so on

I had a bad day on Thursday, so much so that I telephoned in sick to work citing an upset stomach, even though this was a complete lie.
J not sympathetic at all and returned from the pub, saw me and went in a mood.  I told him the other day to stop trying to fix me ( he is very good at solving problems but dictates to me what I should be doing and thus making me feel worse, useless and a crap girlfriend).  I know what I should be doing, but don't have the motivation to do it.
I'm getting a bit slapdash with my meds, it's like I just don't care.  They are permanently strewn over the kitchen table and I never remember whether I have taken them or not (my short term memory is shot to pieces).  I even have a pill doser but forget to fill it up at the beginning of the week.  Yep, useless me.
Went to work yesterday even though they weren't expecting me in and had taken me off the plan.  As usual I got my weekly kicking and made ridiculous mistakes which my work colleagues covered up for me.  The kitchen staff just looked exasperated.  Doesn't really matter, even when I get it right and the kitchen lose the order I get the blame anyway and of course the bosses believe the kitchen rather than me because of the mistakes I make.
I think I might email my psychiatrist.
My health insurance is till not sorted.  I have to get a solicitor involved which although will cost me, it won't be as much as I owe the health insurer.  Also there is a consumer magazine which my Psychiatrist recommended - he said he has never heard of a story so ridiculous as mine and said that the magazine may publish something about it, just to piss off my insurer.  My second insurer (who will pay the medical bills) are proving very efficient and so I am paying monthly premiums to them.
I actually miss the NHS.

Pressure

I know my pharmacist thinks I am on too much medication, because she told me.
I know my sister in law thinks I should stop the medication as my head is like a marshmallow to think.
I know my boyfriend hates me being on tablets.
I know my friends think I should stop taking the tablets, because they told me.

I cried this morning with the pressure from all these people wanting me to stop my medication, but they don't understand how scared I am of going back to how I felt before.  No support from these people is enough to take away those feelings. Why can't they just accept me for who I am now.

Decisions, decisions

So I am close to my decision: I want to go back home and live where I last lived.  I am going to ride out this winter, save some money and then go back next summer.  There is nothing for me in this town except my boyfriend and I don't feel enough for him to stay in this place forever.  Maybe it's just restless feet, maybe I am stronger now to make my decisions, but I just don't like where I live, especially in summer.  It's a hard decision to make but I have to do it.  Starting all over again is my speciality anyway, and I had a better social life in the UK.

Relationships

There comes a time in a relationship where the spark is gone.  It's happening to me now.
I don't know where it has come from, but I have been increasingly unhappy.  Maybe it is work, maybe it's the fact that my boyfriend is no longer funny and amusing, maybe it's because we are both working mad hours and never see each other.  Whatever the reason, it's an unsatisfied feeling rather than one of my down in the dumps moods.  And I have been feeling like this for a while.
But I don't know how to begin ending the relationship.  It just seems overwhelming no matter how I think about it.  I know I will have the freedom to work my summers in the UK and winters in this ski resort how I have longed for for years now.  But am I giving up a lot?  The unconditional love and support of a partner.  Do I just use him for support and not give anything back?  I have no enthusiasm to any more, I know that much.  I'm giving up the roots I have put down in a lonely town.  My cat (done that before).  And I know he loves me and I don't want him to go through what I have experienced when someone you love leaves you.  So I stay put, look for the positives (every day I look for the positives but find them hard to find).  I feel so lonely right now.  I miss my friends.  I miss my past life.  Maybe I have rose tinted glasses.

Long time no speak

I can't believe I have left it so long since I have last blogged.  Anyway, too busy working to write anything meaningful.
The bankruptcy order against me is now closed.  I have proved to my health insurer that I have no assets or money to pay them and so they will have to accept a payment plan.  This is all fine, but my medical bills are still not getting paid.  All still stressful and it has given me panic attacks, mostly when I am about to sleep is when it all kicks in, otherwise I am working six days a week and try not to think about it.  I just wish this nightmare was over.  Also, because of the bankruptcy thing was against my business I can no longer teach aerobics and so have lost a source of income.  All really pointless in the end.

Alternative Therapy

I started Reflexolgy a couple of months back and can recommend it as a complement to talking and medication.  When I first went I was a bit cynical but felt relaxed afterwards so that's got to be good, right? The last time I was in the middle of a crisis and turned up puffy eyed and emotional.  An hour of a relaxing back massage, more tears and Reflexology and I was a changed person.  I came out of there full of energy and calm - amzing really seeing as prior to the appointment I could hardly get out of bed and was unmotivated to do so. (The fear of pissing off a Swissie by not keeping an appointment was greater than the comfort of my duvet). My Godmother has severe back problems and had recommended Reflexology to me but I was a bit reluctant but slightly curious - after all, in the clinic I had been converted to Shiatsu massage by a master of the practice and promised myself to keep it up but there is no-one local who practices it entailing an hour long commute to the nearest town.
Yep, it definately works and even if I don't feel such a strong change as the crisis day, it is still "me" time and time to chill out and relax from the dark thoughts which are constantly on my mind at present.

It continues

After a traumatic week last week (visit to the social services and the bankruptcy people) things are not much better.  The cuts on my hands are still visible and I keep picking at them, as if it's some sort of reminder how bad I should be feeling....how I deserve to feel.  After all, I brought it on myself and should take the consequences.  Unfortunately my self essteem is through the floor.  Soon it will be published in the paper that I am bankrupt which means the whole village will know and will be pointing fingers.  No matter how much friends have told me it will be a five minute gossip for most and then forgotten about.
Forgotten about.  This happens a lot in my life.
And it doesn't seem to matter that my boyfriend has found the money to pay these health insurance premiums that I am being bankrupted for, they don't want to know.  And my German is not that good to understand what is going on.  All I know is I am stuck.
I've been sleeping maybe 15 hours a day, I can't get motivated to do anything because every waking moment is spent worrying about my financial situation.  My bank accounts are frozen so I have no control over anything right now.
I just want to die, and being awake makes me obsess about it.
I just can't go on.
I had to email my psychiatrist about the situation which means that maybe I have no treatment because I can't afford it.
What to do?
Someone take the pain away.

Money problems

Well it has finally happened.  I am three months behind with my health insurance premiums, with no way of paying and they are making me bankrupt.
I had a very scary meeting with the local department that deals with such things.  I had to wait an hour because I was late during which I sobbed uncontrollably and now have some very painful scratches on the back of my hand as this was my method of controlling the hurt.
So they opened a bankruptcy order.
It gets put in the local paper so the whole village will know.  The social won't help me, my boyfriend is stressed out because I am stressed out and I cry myself to sleep every night, if not during the day.
Life can't get any worse, can it?

Christmas

So as per my usual behaviour, the Christmas presents I have been meaning to send since last December, were posted today.
And as usual, I feel resentful at the comments I will get spoken behind my back as to why they are late.
So why are they late? Because when I made them (oh yes, they are handmade) and packed them up, I had no money to post them, favouring my medical insurance and food. And then there was the time factor - when I got paid once my bills had gone out I still had no money and was right into the ski season, too busy to get to the post office at the opening times.  I missed many recorded letters because of not being able to pick them up from the post office which proves my point.
So where do I go from here.  Well, I've posted the parcel. Step one. Step two, maybe some form of thankyou (my sister in law is one for doing what is right and polite even if my brother is screaming obscenities about me behind my back). But my biggest worry is that my brother might try to contact me and I am not ready for that. It will bring up the hurt of comments he has made about me so cruelly. An I wanted a psychiatrist monitored phone call, which my brother isn't prepared to do for me.  He would rather sort out my feelings myself and then contact him.  No way.

Diet Phase 2

Well I say phase 2 because every previous attempt at a diet has not been successful, but so far I have managed two days on normal food with normal eating habits and NO ALCOHOL.
It helps I have some "diet buddies" who are also munching the rabbit food and I SMS them daily with my progress and vice-versa.
On the medical bills front, the Sozialdienst have taken over negotiation with my health insurer and will basically tell them to pay my medical bills because they will only have to pay them anyway eventually.  So I may be able to get more medication and another psychiatrist appointment. Which I desperately need.
I am now unemployed until June and even then it's a bit unstable. I am trying to fill my days constructively and keeping myself busy, but the weeks without a routine are going to be hard to bear.  This is when I usually go a bit nuts and start thinking about self harm/suicide when it all gets too much.

Putting me down

I've just had to deal with a bunch of cunts.  Basically, I clean their chalet (or have been temporarily) and there were meant to be a couple of changeovers but this turned into being a lot more than what they originally said.  So instead of being a clean once in a while it became a clean each week with washing on top.
So I struggled.
Anyway, tried to sort out the money with these rich knobs and they still tried to talk it down despite me running around and bending over backwards (including a free clean) after which the woman owner had a go at me.
So thankyou Mrs L for making me feel small, worthless and not good enough.

Diets

So, have found a solution to my fatness.  There are two diet options, the first being a diet of bread, butter and water (fibre, protein and water) which promises to make you be able to see your ribs and then you go back to a normal diet.  The other diet is the ABC I found on an anorexic website. It sounds pretty mch like my calorific intake anyway, but maybe I need to approach it differently for it to work. I know, I know, lectures about these diets being dangerous and the like, but you aren't living in my head and you don't see my disgusting body and the pile of clothes that I can't fit into (i.e. all of them). And I have to get control of something in my life seeing as everything else is crazy right now.
Work is busy again but I am beginning to lose my patience with the kids in ski school quite quickly which isn't like me, but it's the end of season.  Had fun today with my mate G, both sitting in the lift house shouting to everyone they were fucking cunts and should all fuck off home.  Slightly childish but satisfying.  Am fairly sure no-one heard us although we were shouting pretty loud.  Then had a Madchester rave to the radio.

Taking a Break

Sorry peeps, I have been too busy and important to update my blog and quite frankly, not very motivated.
I have had a good week.  My sister came to visit me so we have spent a lot of time drinking and partying.  Not very good for improving my health but at the same time it made me feel happy for a change.  She went home today and I am OK about it and not a quivering, sobbing wreck in the corner.
However, I have 5k worth of medical bills to pay and no money.  The shouty lady at the local debt collectors government office was finally nice to me and has basically told me that the social have to pay.  Highly embarassing, but until they are paid I can't get any more psychiatric treatment.  Managed to wangle more meds out of my GP though.
This is the problem with the health system here.  Works well when you can afford to pay the premiums but if you are working in the unpredictable tourist industry then you have no chance as you may have up to 4 months of the year without work.  I currently have 100chf and my boyfriend to live off until the first week of April.  And then they say the social will pay anyway?! Sometimes I really miss the NHS.
So these money pressures are getting to me, but at the same time there is not much I can do except find the time to visit the social services which is near on impossible over the next week because of work.

Happy days....or not

God I am pathetic at the moment. Not only have I had to cancel my psych appointments because I have 4k of backlog of medical bills to sort out but my ex has just left town and all we managed was polite hellos and goodbyes, well, not even a goodbye as he was leaving this morning.
So I am in trauma at the moment in the scheme of things, feel guilty about my current boyfriend being totally in love with me and me still lusting after my ex (still......stilll.........7 years).
I am a bad and ugly person. Feelings of harming myself to take away the hurt.  But that is not good, so I am self medicating with red wine.

Slow mail to blogger

I am sitting here in a bar, contemplating life with a bottle of wine.
And I am asking myself, what am I doing with my life?
And I am not sure what I am really doing with my life right now.
Is the psychiatry really working?
Is the medication working

So True................

http://ow.ly/19VDb

it never ends

I haven't had time to think and I haven't had enough to not think.  I am working two different jobs in one day, plus three other part time ad-hoc jobs and haven't had a day off in two weeks.  Normal ski season in february some might say, i just have difficulty saying "no" to helping other people out for fear of letting them down.
And I am exhausted.
This week alone it all finally hit me.  I wake up crying every day with a pit of fear in my stomach.  I am completely overwhelmed with how I am going to get through the day.
But somehow I manage it.  My boyfriend, J, keeps telling me I am stronger than I realise. (He also tells me to think positively - like yeah, right)  Actually, he has been amazing - this morning when I was having my mini breakdown I snuggled back up to him in bed and cried and cried while he soothed me.  I then managed to get up and go to work.  And then cried for another 3 hours. I then tried to tell my boss that I couldn't work all these hours but he wouldn't listen, even used a hospital appointment as an excuse to which he asked whether I was pregnant.  I don't think he believed it when I said I am crazy and need to see the psychiatrist for my meds.  Nope, swept under the carpet and bullied into two more private lessons.
Alcohol is my weapon of choice right now.  Oh, and Seroquel.

High Season

Alas, not "high" as in drug related, but "high" as in busy season, which in a ski resort means no time off for the next three weeks.  Not that I have had a day off for two weeks now.  And I am simply exhausted.
I am communicating better with my boyfriend after I kind of caused a row with him last week about him ommitting to tell me the truth (lying?) and he has since reassured me again that he is not going to leave me for about the millionth time while I feel bad about pressuring him.
But after all, like J says, we have come this far and he hasn't gone anywhere.
I have started a CBT book which I am trying to do 20 minutes a day.  The next task is to write myself a letter from 10 years in the future in hope that I will be able to motivate myself.  This task I am finding rather difficult. I mean, each effort I have made to draft something so far sounds so cheesy.  But maybe it is because it makes me feel self conscious and not good enough to give myself praise.