Happy Holiday

And it really was.  I just spent 3 weeks in the UK, on the Isles of Scilly and in Hastings and Bristol seeing all my lovely friends and my nephews and neice.
That aside, I had some good chats with friends about the proposed treatment plans and all were really supportive surprisingly.  All were of the opinion that any chance given to me to help recovery is a chance worth taking. Hmm. I spoke to my brother about it and I think he was a bit shocked if a little bemused as to what ECT actually entails.  But hopefully he understands that things have not been easy at all.  My mum came to visit me in Hastings and I had an in depth chat with her.  She is relieved that I am going to return to the UK and live back on the south coast where I have godparents nearby, my best mate (who I will be living with) and my best mate's parents who are like second family for me.  I think she was shocked but she took it well.  I felt releived to have spoken to her and she was really supportive and a bit emotional.  It's strange, I wouldn't say I am overly close with mum but she steps up to the plate in a crisis and easy to talk to.
First thing I did when I returned to Switzerland was book an appointment with my "GP", Dr A.  I thought I had a cold sore before I went to the UK but it was actually impetigo and after a course of penicillin based antibiotics which I am allergic to (old GP said try them and stop if I get a reaction - I had a slight reaction but thought it was best to discontinue in case it got worse.  I am definately allergic) and an unsuccessful dabble with cortisone cream I finally went to a walk in centre, queued up with the methadone addicts and got some antibiotic cream, which has really worked.
I digress. Dr A agreed to continue the cream and prescribed (non penicillin) antibiotics. Then, as he has been in Zimbabwe doing aid work since August/September we had a good natter (that's what I love about him, he totally overruns appointments with me although the Swissie in the waiting room probably hadn't got much else to do anyway.  He asked me how the appointment with my psychiatrist went and I said about the change in medication and the ECT discussion.  He asked if I was "shocked" (fnaah fnaah) about the suggestion and I said of course I was and that I was undecided and that it was difficult to consider it when I feel so much better at the moment.  Do I then wait until I am in the depths again?  He said Dr I and he considered that a lot of people in my situation have big highs and big lows and somewhere in the middle.  But that in my case I had deep lows and "kind of OK" which was my somewhere in the middle most of the time.  He mentioned mood disorder again but as I am still in denial as to what that might be, I didn't push that point further. Anyway, I explained that the break in the UK had helped rather than be admitted as an inpatient and that the Cipralex seemed to be working really well in combination with the other medications.
I see Dr A again tomorrow (so maybe he will have some pirated DVD's from Zimbabwe for me) and to check the impetigo which is clearing up nicely (although am pissed off I have got it as I haven't been near little germ filled fuckers since winter and apparently they are the culprits of the infection). I see Dr I (my lovely psychiatrist) on the 7th November.
Tonight I am feeling rather lonely.  Since all the socialising in the UK, which exhausted me, I was a bit naughty last night and had too much alcohol.  So I am attributing this to my low mood today and the fact that I was crying uncontrollably at the end of a film on Channel 5 earlier.  I even missed fire practice this week as I couldn't face being in a crowd of people and the effort of speaking Swiss, which I am still struggling to adjust to after my holiday (usually it comes fluently to me - time to put back on German TV).  I am contemplating the thought of a winter alone (although I am settled in NOT being in a relationship) but winter I must work to give me time to claim back my social insurance and pay off any remaining bills before the plan of returning to the UK in April 12.  And I am TERRIFIED of going back even though it is the right thing to do, and living in a large town.  I will certainly be saving up money to get me a place in Cornwall asap, much smaller environment.
If it hadn't been for my cat since returning, I think my mood would be through the floor right now.  Samkitten hasn't left my side since I returned and rarely goes out (although being a cat the ground is probably a little bit chilly on his paws). I love my cat. I need to find him a rural home in the UK with one of my friends or I will miss him so much.  He's got his winter coat now which is really useful for mopping up my snotty nose and streaming tears at the moment.

And so on

I had a bad day on Thursday, so much so that I telephoned in sick to work citing an upset stomach, even though this was a complete lie.
J not sympathetic at all and returned from the pub, saw me and went in a mood.  I told him the other day to stop trying to fix me ( he is very good at solving problems but dictates to me what I should be doing and thus making me feel worse, useless and a crap girlfriend).  I know what I should be doing, but don't have the motivation to do it.
I'm getting a bit slapdash with my meds, it's like I just don't care.  They are permanently strewn over the kitchen table and I never remember whether I have taken them or not (my short term memory is shot to pieces).  I even have a pill doser but forget to fill it up at the beginning of the week.  Yep, useless me.
Went to work yesterday even though they weren't expecting me in and had taken me off the plan.  As usual I got my weekly kicking and made ridiculous mistakes which my work colleagues covered up for me.  The kitchen staff just looked exasperated.  Doesn't really matter, even when I get it right and the kitchen lose the order I get the blame anyway and of course the bosses believe the kitchen rather than me because of the mistakes I make.
I think I might email my psychiatrist.
My health insurance is till not sorted.  I have to get a solicitor involved which although will cost me, it won't be as much as I owe the health insurer.  Also there is a consumer magazine which my Psychiatrist recommended - he said he has never heard of a story so ridiculous as mine and said that the magazine may publish something about it, just to piss off my insurer.  My second insurer (who will pay the medical bills) are proving very efficient and so I am paying monthly premiums to them.
I actually miss the NHS.

On the Up, thank goodness

I appear to be out of a five day depression and I am so grateful, I felt horrible and even the meds weren't working.  I  hate feeling so low and I try to feel positive but feelings are feelings and emotions are emotions - positive thinking is just not something that sinks in when my brain chemistry is fucked anyway.  Yesterday was a terrible struggle to get to work and maintain some form of control when all I could cope with was having a shedload of seroquel and sleeping it off.  (I love oblivion). but I didn't, and I got through the day, even forced myself (and I mean humungous effort) to go ski-ing, kept telling myself I would feel better, but in the end instead of me letting down a friend, they let me down and didn't appear.  OK, I thought, my man is still skiing and we haven't had much time together, but no, he was back in the village already.  Felt sad, disappointed and unloved - yep, all my own insecurities and I should just "get over it" but I don't function like normal people and just couldn't. Thought bollocks to it, need oblivion and turned to the red wine instead of the prescription meds.
Realised that while before I would just self harm, the last 7 years I have self medicated with alcohol (which leads to even more self harm) and ask myself, why bother anyway, it's not like I am anyone special.It's not like I can cope or not fuck up relationships like I do.  I can't even face socialising tonight which is the only way of seeing my boyfriend as when he comes home he has a bath and goes to bed, maybe eats.  But I can't leave him or I would be as bad as the way my last relationship ended and J really loves me.  I just have to ride it out, maybe it's my pennance or something.

It's still snowing

Is it right to still think about someone in your past when it's clear it's "over"? Sometimes when I compare my current life to before I feel that I'm in a situation that, whatever my situation is, I will always be yearning for something more.
I had "true love" once. I have "love" now.  that's not to say I don't love J, I do very, very much. But it's more like a great friendship than the passionate love I had before with T. But I am very lucky that I have someone who adores me and puts up with all my shit and that makes it hard to leave, if that is what I am thinking at the time.  And then I think if I am thinking that, then I should leave. But for what? I would feel even more lonely than I do anyway.
That's not to say I can't live alone, there are many days when I crave it, but I also crave the dizzy, heady, happy, smiling, passion that is true love.
I had it and I messed up. And I was never given the chance to rectify it or talk it over and purge these demons inside me.
And that's when I want to end it all, because the mistakes outweigh the benefit of life.

J is good for me, he looks out for me, I look out for him and it is comfortable and works, but I could never do to him what happened to me.

Procrastinating

Really, really should sort out my sleep pattern. It's late and I am still reading random stuff on Wikipedia (my latest addiction - fascinating stuff about everything), no doubt J is pissed off (I can hear him snoring in the other room) because I haven't gone to bed yet. But this is one big area where we differ - I am a night owl, he is an early bird. Not normally a problem but at the moment I have no inclination to do much other than sleep and so am making the most of my waking hours, however inconvenient they are. Not helped by the fact that J bought me a bottle of wine and 3 glasses of that certainly don't help. I've told him he is not to buy any more junk food, alcohol etc. that I like because I am trying to go healthy - can't keep eating Coop chocolate popcorn for my dinner (even though it is yummy).

Pick up keys for apartment today (Thursday), bit nervous, what if it is crap after all?

Early Morning Wakeup call

It's 2.40a.m. and I have woken up as usual. The 3a.m. hour has developed in the last few weeks - I haven't had this much trouble with my sleep since....well......I think over a year ago. The pharmacist owner Maryanne (Apothekerin) asked me if I was stressing about anything and then it hit me - this had started once my work hours had been cut.

It's not like I am consciously thinking about this (apart from playing in my mind a scenario where I sue his dutch ass for making me involuntarily unemployed) but I guess it is just there. I'm not sure if I am in denial, more ignoring the problam, not that it will ever go away but the tuth is too big and scaary to comprehend.

So I have been taking a teensy dose of seroquel to help me - the drawback with this is that it makes me really really groggy the next day and tired for most of it, not something I usually experience with that either. I think I am in some kind over oversleeping/stress waking cycle and can't seem to get out of it. It's so frustrating. Probably typing on this doesn't help either!

The other major thing which plays on my mind when I am trying to sleep is her. Let me explain who "her" is. She has stolen my life. She has the interests of my ex, she has wormed her way into his family who haven't contacted me for the last six years (I know what you are saying - contact them - I have done in the past but after a year gave up when I wasn't getting any replies), she is there in photos with him at functions when it should be me. I have lost the best friend I have ever had in my life and she, being perfect and funny and happy all the time, has taken my place. Of course someone like that would. Who wants to deal with a depressed person? But my heart aches. "Her" even mocked me - spoke to a friend of mine saying that there was nothing between her and him - when I hadn't told anyone how I felt. So that caused some problems with my current boyfriend. Well of course it would, how can I be like this about my ex when I should want to be with J?

My feelings are mixed with loyalty to J, losing "the one", jealousy (not an emotion that I have experienced much in the past but since my ex dumped me I have experienced a lot - I guess I am more insecure again) and generally feeling bad about myself. Even though my ex would call me a victim, I feel out of control of my emotions and can't react reasonably to stuff like this or deal with rejection. Hey, it is atypical depression after all! So then I start feeling bad about feeling bad etc. and so the whole process goes in a circle.

My appointment last Thursday was rescheduled because the psych was off sick so I have to wait until next Thursday to be assessed for nutters united group. How on earth am I going to be able to accept the past and how things are, I just don't think I can do it, I've tried and tried and tried but that's why I went back on tablets because I can't. I don't think I can ever settle knowing I have lost him forever. I know I am such a problem to everyone.

Great, now I am crying, not big wracking sobs but tears flowing and heart ache. Two days ago started thinking about death a lot. Again. Looked this up on the internet to see why I would think this and found something about suicidal ideation. The good thing is that apparently I don't want to die, I am just obsessed with dying. But that I may make an attempt. Great, so then everyone will think I am an attention seeker rather than someone who can't express how I feel because if I will do I will have a breakdown (I can feel it lurking) and just wants to sleep and not think (right at this moment I really want to sleep).

I'm such a mess. Got my normal psych appointment on Monday but I have no idea where to start to try and explain all this. There just seems to be too much noise everywhere that I can't get away from and be alone for a while, just for some peace, especially as there is family staying with us at the moment and I have been trying to keep on a brave face and it's starting to slip.