Hate this fucking rain.

As if it isn't bad enough that I didn't earn any money today because the sodding weather meant the pool was shut, it's also rained hard ALL DAY. I'm starting to take it personally. It's so bloody depressing. I walked over to where J works and thought "well OK, feeling low, get some exercise and let the endorphins kick in" so took deep breaths of the fresh mountain air. Had no effect whatsover, still raining and also cold (may be snow - usually an exciting prospect but only because I can go skiing, "may be" snow is just not good enough).

So was pissed off that I'm so crap I can't even motivate the endorphins to wake up and do something.

Anyway, also have the prospeact of J's mother staying with us for a week/month/who knows how long. Now I understand that he doesn't want her staying with his sister because she bullies her, but I just can't manage to be in any way enthusiastic about it and basically can't be bothered with it all.

Wish I was sat by the sea in my old life (when it was good the last time around), didn't seem to mind the rain then. Instead I'll look at the same sodding mountains (when the fog clears) and feel pissed off. Am also pissed off because got to move apartments again, making this the 28th time I have moved house in 34 years and to be honest, really getting tired of it. Plus you can't just leave an apartment here, oh no, we have to give three month's notice even though we don't have a bloody rental contract, which doesn't matter in Switz because verbal contracts just the same.

My rant is nearly over.

Actually, don't think it is.

So when I worked on Sunday at the pool some kids had broken in, drinking their voddy cokes (they left the plastic cups for me to clear up even though there's a bin) and probably went skinny dipping as there was a beach towel at the bottom of the pool. So I had to go in to get that plus the broken inflatable turtle that's for the kids. I'm not saying I've been perfect and never nicked anything, but it's usually been the traffic cone (hilarious.) or the odd ashtray. Oh, and a golf buggy once but I though they were a kind of free for all thing (apparently they weren't). Anway, the pool doesn't make any money and has to be used as some kind of listed building type thing, so when something like that is broken, it doesn't get replaced. Small town though, have found out who it was.

At least I have heard from my friend M who is such a sweetie and when I lived in the same village as him everyone thought we were having an affair (we weren't, his wife was hence we drowned or sorrows an awful lot). His kids are on facebook and so grown up now. Really wish I could go visit them.

Oh I don't know, everything getting on myy nerves at the moment, feeling a bit out of control and in one of my "raaaaargggghhh" moods. Which usually means I get drunk and make a complete tit of myself and do the stupid emailing everyone and not remembering a thing about it until I look at sent items the next day and cringe.

If only some of my old friends would contact me like they promised they would. Even my ex, at least I would have acknowledgement that he doesn't hate me. I miss him so much. Listening to music with J isn't the same.

Confused, tired, bored with life. What's the point. Surely there is more than this?

Why aren't the bloody meds working. Why don't they call them happy pills? They don't make you happy, just more indifferent to the world around you.