Boredom

The problem with being bored is that really I have no excuse for it.  I have books to read, I have knitting, I have a box ful of craft stuff, paper, coloured pencils, a haven of beautiful mountains and forests outside my front door.
But no real friends here to just go and have a laugh with. Just me and my cat.
The highlight of my day is when my ex contacts me, because then I have someone to talk to and a reason to leave the apartment.
I don't feel especially sad at the moment, just a bit lonely. Very lonely. I tried calling my best friend in the UK, but she is loved up with a new boyfriend at the moment so doesn't have much time for me.  I understand that, I guess I would be the same. I tried SMSing my "friends" here to go out but they area all too busy or don't answer.  So it's not as if I haven't tried to make contact with people.
My sister emailed me to say she was pleased I am going back to the UK, but totally opposed to the ECT proposition.
Meh.

Job Hunting

I bit the bullet and went and spoke to the managers of one of the hotels, who require an Au pair and help in service.  They are really nice and I knew them already so when the conversation got going I wasn't too nervous.  Of course, the wage for an au Pair is terrible but at least I would be working and earning my own wage.
At the moment the days are just drifting by.  Because of the Seroquel (now on 200mg/day to get me to sleep) I tend to wake up groggy and lay there for ages daydreaming.  I feel like I am being really lazy but I am just in a zombie like state most of the time except for bursts of energy every so often.  Hence making the effort to write on my blog.
Last night I was really tearful.  I really missed my ex and being in the comfort of a relationship.   Although I am content with being alone which has proved to myself that I don't need to be in a relationship, I miss the day to day security of having that person there.  I am still sleeping with him when the mood takes me but I am very passive about it, it's just emotionless.
So I have focused a bit on research as to the kind of jobs I can apply for in HR when I get back to the UK and am pleased to see I can get something pretty good that earns a decent amount as I have the skills they are looking for. Will start applying around September time as I am not expecting to get something straight away but it would be good to get something before the end of the year.

Ramblings

I sometimes wonder if my cat knows my mood is going to change before i do. He has been very cuddly towards me today and although i have been ok most of the time i have had waves of sadness and loneliness wash over me. Talking to my best friend earlier was great and i was feeling positive and telling her all my plans,  but now i feel so sad and very lonely. I am missing my ex too. I am so confused.

Life etc.

I HAVE to get a job tomorrow.  I can't put it off any longer, even though my anxiety has been getting the better of me.  So I have been reading every self help book and listening to self esteem CD's that I own to try and boost my self belief and confidence.
J called by today at about 1.30pm.  I was still in bed.  I could tell he didn't approve but he's not the one who is suffering insomnia at the moment and due to his army years he can survive on three hours sleep a night.  So I felt really guilty and then spent the rest of the day worrying about how guilty I was feeling.
My guts are churning though - I have tried visualising me going to speak to the hotel manager (who I know) and getting the job and receiving the pay at the end of the month.  If I earn the money then I can pay off the health insurance debts and take away that anxiety.  So I have to do it, I have just lost all trust and confidence in myself to be able to commit to work.  I know once I am in work I will be OK because I will have the routine and it is a job where no-one is breathing down my neck all the time so no pressure there, but there is a nagging doubt in the back of my mind - well, that voice that tells you that you can't do it, it will go wrong, that I am no good, I am a failure etc.
Plus there is still this sodding insomnia to sort out.  I have been taking more Seroquel as Dr I said I should try that rather than using sleeping tablets as it will also have an antidepressant effect and take that edge off that I am experiencing at the moment.  But I am almost scared to go to sleep as I don't know what tomorrow will bring and am anxious about that.
I spoke to my best friend, E, today.  Her new house will be ready in August and I am welcome to go back to the UK anytime after where she will take care of me and get me back on my feet again.  I have told her it will more likely be near Christmas by the time I have sorted out all the shit over here.  It's a goal anyway.  J heard somehow that I am planning to go back to the UK - he said I can't take my cat with me as he will never cope in a  town as he is used to wide open spaces and countryside.  He has a point I guess, but its my cat........In that past I rehomed my three cats when I was with my ex and we went travelling and I swore that I would never do that again.  But J found the cat for me so and it looked like we were going to be together forever.
Which wasn't to be.
I am focusing on daily affirmations and on future goals to keep me going at the moment.  This week I have been missing J quite a lot.  Also, last week I heard that some of the desperate housewives have been having girly nights and BBQ's together and they didn't invite me, so I was really upset (still am) as I take things like that really personally and then wonder what is wrong with me, am I not good enough for them.  But I will never feel "good enough" as it has haunted me throughout my life and I simply can't seem to shake the feeling.
I have been reading lots of other mental health blogs and my heart goes out to those who are finding life difficult right now...you are not alone........