Life etc.

I HAVE to get a job tomorrow.  I can't put it off any longer, even though my anxiety has been getting the better of me.  So I have been reading every self help book and listening to self esteem CD's that I own to try and boost my self belief and confidence.
J called by today at about 1.30pm.  I was still in bed.  I could tell he didn't approve but he's not the one who is suffering insomnia at the moment and due to his army years he can survive on three hours sleep a night.  So I felt really guilty and then spent the rest of the day worrying about how guilty I was feeling.
My guts are churning though - I have tried visualising me going to speak to the hotel manager (who I know) and getting the job and receiving the pay at the end of the month.  If I earn the money then I can pay off the health insurance debts and take away that anxiety.  So I have to do it, I have just lost all trust and confidence in myself to be able to commit to work.  I know once I am in work I will be OK because I will have the routine and it is a job where no-one is breathing down my neck all the time so no pressure there, but there is a nagging doubt in the back of my mind - well, that voice that tells you that you can't do it, it will go wrong, that I am no good, I am a failure etc.
Plus there is still this sodding insomnia to sort out.  I have been taking more Seroquel as Dr I said I should try that rather than using sleeping tablets as it will also have an antidepressant effect and take that edge off that I am experiencing at the moment.  But I am almost scared to go to sleep as I don't know what tomorrow will bring and am anxious about that.
I spoke to my best friend, E, today.  Her new house will be ready in August and I am welcome to go back to the UK anytime after where she will take care of me and get me back on my feet again.  I have told her it will more likely be near Christmas by the time I have sorted out all the shit over here.  It's a goal anyway.  J heard somehow that I am planning to go back to the UK - he said I can't take my cat with me as he will never cope in a  town as he is used to wide open spaces and countryside.  He has a point I guess, but its my cat........In that past I rehomed my three cats when I was with my ex and we went travelling and I swore that I would never do that again.  But J found the cat for me so and it looked like we were going to be together forever.
Which wasn't to be.
I am focusing on daily affirmations and on future goals to keep me going at the moment.  This week I have been missing J quite a lot.  Also, last week I heard that some of the desperate housewives have been having girly nights and BBQ's together and they didn't invite me, so I was really upset (still am) as I take things like that really personally and then wonder what is wrong with me, am I not good enough for them.  But I will never feel "good enough" as it has haunted me throughout my life and I simply can't seem to shake the feeling.
I have been reading lots of other mental health blogs and my heart goes out to those who are finding life difficult right now...you are not alone........

Moving on.....

Friday was unfortunately very rainy and is normally "exercise day". In the morning we went for a walk along by the river and back again. Then we had brunch Swiss style: bread, cheese, meats, yoghurts, orange juice, coffee, very nice but as I have a weakness for bread there wasn't enough for me! Tried to limit to 4 slices. 


Afternoon we played board games again because it was still raining - the board game we played was one I had played before and I clearly couldn't react quick enough for cross-eyed and grumpy S, who I think would have punched me if she could.  I don't know if it was because she was getting impatient or whether it was because I couldn't remember all the rules because I haven't played it for ages, or maybe it was her meds, but I was wavering a bit (especially because I was getting tired and had been in a really good day for me mood-wise with loads of energy).  I quickly recovered myself by putting it to the back of my mind - my mind keeps jumping at the moment anyway.


I spent today with my boyfriend, painting and cleaning our new apartment (although it was already clean, I can never settle until I have cleaned the new place myself). It was good.  I didn't feel stressed out and haven't felt overwhelmed by thinking about what we have left to move.  In fact, J is probably more depressed than me at the moment - he has been in a hole all week - the difference is our roles of support are reversed.