My week so far

Where did Friday go? Well, I went to sleep 11.30pm Thursday night right through to 11.30 pm Friday night, two hours of eating and reading then asleep again until 11.30 a.m. Saturday morning.  Needless to say I was a bit confused yesterday as to what day it was.  Anyway, last night, for the first time in ages, I had a NORMAL night's sleep (still with 100mg Seroquel) but went to sleep around 11 p.m. and woke up (WIDE AWAKE NOT GROGGY) at 8.30 a.m. I never knew there were so many hours in the day and must admit am a little bored right now, but feel AWAKE!  Am going to try and keep this routine going - my winter job starts in a month so I have to get some kind of regular schedule so that I am prepared.
The autumn here is so beautiful.  I took my friends dog for a walk on Wednesday and...get this....I was SMILING and HAPPY because everything is so beautiful!  I haven't felt like that in AGES AGES AGES!
So, Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow.  Probably my last one before the winter season starts as I won't have time to get to an appointment once I start work (I am bound by train times as there are no roads to this village, so it means I have to set off 2 hours before an appoinmtment and it takes about 2 hours to get back).

Treatment options following Psych appointment

So last Tuesday I had a Psychiatrist appointment, the last one being in July due to my health insurer no longer paying for my medical treatment.
Let me explain, I have been feeling REALLY bad - one of my GPs has been seeing me every two days to check I am still alive and to support me towards my psych appointment.
The kind of things that have been happening have included feeling suicidal, crying a lot, not sleeping (well that's been ongoing since April), heavy body feeling, no energy, feeling empty and imagining conversations have happened when they haven't, imagining experiencing things when I haven't, poor memory - I could go on but don't want to bore you.
Anyway, Dr I said that what I was experiencing was typical of deep depression and considering I have this, plus a mood disorder (daren't ask him which one), plus the stress of no job and the stress of a relationship split have all contributed to my current state of mind.
We went on to further discussion about treatment options, including another medication change (number 5 I think) and he told me not to worry, there are another 81 medications I can try (he has a sense of humour like mine).  So he has reduced the Venlafaxine to 150mg/day and added Cipralex 10mg/day.  Plus the Seroquel at night (100mg) and Lamictal 100mg twice daily.
Then, and this was the shock (!), he asked me if I would consider ECT.  My first thought was, "bloody hell, I really am that bad" and promptly told him NO, NEVER.  he talked through how it works and encouraged me to do some research and that he had seen good results when he was doing ssome training in America and that it might prompt the medication to work in the future.  With treatment resistant depression and with me, the meds work for a certain period and then I become "tolerant" to them.
I sighed, cried and then said if this round of meds doesn't work then I might consider it.
He then suggested I went as an inpatient for three months.  Problem is my health insurer.  And I think it's a good idea to go back to the bin for a while. Am considering going back to the UK and trying to get admitted there if I can't here.
All a bit of a heavy appointment and too much to think about.  However, I am feeling a bit lighter today and haven't reacted to the new medication yet, but it would probably help if I stopped getting roaring drunk every night (starting on the Tuesday by meeting up with a good friend of mine).
My BBF will be phoning me later to persuade me to come and live with her in the UK.  A friend I met up with yesterday also told me to go back as I "have no life here and it isn't doing me any good".  Yeah, she always makes me feel better....not.
So I will be on holiday in the UK to see friends/family from Wednesday to the last week of October - thinking time and decisions to be made.

I'm Back

Wow, didn't realise how long it was since I last posted.
OK, so last week I went to the UK for a week.  Before this, a couple of things happened here to really upset me.
First, I found that all the Norway stuff, NOTW and Amy Winehouses death REALLY touched me.  I was getting all ranty about right and wrong, crying and feeling generally shit about life and the world we live in.  This culminated in an arguement with my exes sister in a bar about how wrong she was when she spouted that Amy Winehouse brought it all on herself as she had all the support she needed and didn't do anything about her addictions.  I argued that addictions are complicated and she was compelled to keep her drugs and alcohol lifestyle because of her addicitions which she couldn't really help at that stage (bear in mind my exes sister went out with a serious drug addict).  Anyway, i stormed out the bar in a rage and came home and cried and cried.  She had also said that people "like that" can help themselves where as people with cancer can't etc. etc.  So I went home and sent a ranty email to my psychiatrist, as  follows:

Hello,

OK, BILLS – the situation is this.  I am now with the Sozialdienst – Herr A, so anything he needs to know, you can tell him. He has been really helpful and I had 2 appointments with him last week.  I am back with Avanex – they paid my hospital bill for March but anything 1^st Jan – 30^th June they will not pay until the arrears are cleared (hence I am back to the same situation as 2 years ago).  Herr A is trying to get agreement that they will pay the bills.  However, if they won’t pay them, I can offer 100chf a month to clear the arrears of medical bills (i.e. yours).  Could you plese let AKCM know this so they don’t register with the Betreibungsamt. I will also need Einzahlungscheins to repay.

Me -  was good, now not so good.  I have been generally OK but over the last two weeks fighting dropping lower and lower.  There is so much happening in the world outside Wengen that I can’t understand and frightens me and is making me anxious and upset (Norway, Phone Hacking, Amy Winehouse’s death).  In fact, I have just left RBar after an argument about Amy Winehouse which upset me as apparently she had lots of help and is still dead therefore it is her fault, it’s not like she had cancer anyway.  And this comes from J’s sister who went out with e drug addict from L for many years (M in case you don’t already know him).  Walked home crying – why don’t people get it that addiction for some people is a real problem no matter how much help they get? I feel so worthless and pathetic that I only have depression and should just “get over it”.  Maybe I should, but these last few days I have felt so low without explanation and I just can’t get it across to people.  And yet, for the week before I was on top of the world and reading self help books and making plans.

My schoolfriend wants me in England this weekend for her mother’s birthday.  Her mother is like a second mother for me (ex-nurse too) so she has paid for me to go.  Maybe it will do me some good to get off the mountain for a while.

I thought I was doing so well – OK, no job ( I didn’t get that job last month and a couple of others I really thought I was in with a chance of rejected me) – all I am doing is dog-walking for a friend of mine who has returned to college but that’s only as a friend to get me out of the house and to be doing something rather than nothing.  I see Dr A on 4^th August when I come back from the UK.

I know I am rambling about nothing, but I don’t want to book another appointment until I have paid your bills.  But I am just so upset at the moment.  I am still not sleeping (unless I take Seroquel) which is not helping but I really feel lost and lonely and stupid and useless.  And I have lots of questions for you – I have been reading too many books about how Psychiatrists are all influenced by Big Pharma and that the brain chemical theory is all a myth so I feel even more stupid and useless because I feel the antidepressants do help me in some way, but maybe it is all in my head because you are conning me (according to them). I don’t know what to believe anymore, all I know is I don’t feel right.  And I don’t understand it because I felt good for a while – full of plans and ideas and a way forward.  But today I don’t.  And speaking to people they just make me feel worse because apparently I am in control of getting help and therefore have no right to feel the way I do.  After all, it’s not like I’ve got cancer, is it?

Sorry to take up your time, I am writing this when I am feeling quite low and confused.

Me

Actually, this is the first time I have rad it back and maybe it doesn't seem so bad that I emailed him as it was a definate cringe factor for me that I had sent it.  Anyway, luckily he was out of the office until 4th August.  However, when I was on the train to the airport one of his colleagues phoned me but I couldn't really speak as I was on a train full of people and didn't want to discuss my mental state of mind so I just said I was "fine" (?!).

I'd also had a rant on facebook which my exes sister saw because she "liked" one of my comments.  I take that as her way of apology.  she has been super nice to me since I came back from the UK.

So when I was away I demanded that my ex stay at my place to look after our cat (my cat now).  Which he did.  I filled the fridge full of food as it was a bank holiday and he was working stupid hours for the August 1st celebrations.  When I came back last Wednesday, the studio was in a TIP - dirty, messy, his stuff everwhere and NO FOOD.  I'd been up since 5 a.m., got back at 4pm and was not best pleased.  To be fair, when he saw me (I went straight to the bar after shopping) he did apologise about the mess but I was soooooo cross I couldn't even speak to him.  He came round to my flat many hours later to "pick up his stuff" even though I had told him not to and he ended up staying the night.  I think he was wanting a bit of sex (as to complicate the matter he is now my fuck buddy) but he didn't get any as I am on.  Anyway, two days later he came round again during the day for a "shower" and I am sure sex but I lied and said I still had my period as I just couldn't be bothered.  And then he wants me to sort out HIS health insurance, tax, debt in the UK etc.  I just keep saying yeah I'll do it and keep leaving it.  WHY do I keep enabling him?

So the UK - it was FANTASTIC! I went to see my schoolfriend whom I have known for over 20 years (god I sound old).  She paid for my flights so I could be there for her mum's 70th birthday which was a lovely day.  Her mum is like a second mum to me and it was great to see her and feel loved and cared for.  Anyway, E (my friend) took me out to see her social life and I met some of her new friends who are lovely. They made me feel so welcome.  I didn't go out every time she did because I was knackered from the Seroquel, but I slept better, ate better and felt better for the week there.  In fact, her friends were begging me to stay and not go home by the end of the week.  For the first time in ages I felt included and wanted and loved.  I can't leave this bloody country until all this health insurance thing is sorted out.  Even though I think I can return to the UK and get a decent job with more money to pay the debt back quicker, I don't think I am allowed to leave the country permanently with a debt.

So now I am back home.  And I have dropped into a hole again.  I missed my doctors appointment on the 4th as I was asleep so have rescheduled.  But I feel lonely and very sad and dwelling on stuff. I am usually back on Twitter, facebook and blogging but I just haven't felt like it.  I've been drinking a lot too, which doesn't help. I am content with life here but it's not enough.  And then I think, if I go back to the UK, is it just another distraction, major life changing thing that I tend to do when life gets too much which doesn't actually solve anything?

Confused.

Sunday Sunday

My plan today was to go and climb a Kletterstieg (also known as a Via Ferrata) with my ex and another friend of ours, the lovely and very cute P.
Unfortunately this wasn't to be.  Whilst I trust my ex (he is Mountain Man Superhero), I didn't trust the weather, which was looking decidedly stormy and I hate thunderstorms.  Plus we were leaving late in the morning because ex was working and so I was even more mistrusting of the weather (and rightly so - there was a very long thunderstorm).
So I am beating myself up about being so pathetic, and disappointed that I didn't go - it would have been fun.  But I think my fears and anxiety was appropriate to the situation.
Ex came over last night - he cooked for me because I was working (yes! Work! Albeit casual) yesterday afternoon) and I think he was lonely and also wanted a shag, to which I obliged as I have difficulty saying no to him and ...well...I have my needs too! But this raises the question of why I keep doing this.  Is it loneliness?  Sometimes.  Is it weakness? Yes. Is it a hope we will get back together? Maybe, although I don't think that will happen - he wants to be "alone".  Is it to stop him going off with someone else?  Absolutely - if he's shagging me, he won't want anyone else.  I guess this is manipulation on my part, I'm not sure.  I don't feel like I'm being manipulative, I just feel weak and can't say no, even though this is not a healthy situation.  It was OK for the first couple of months but now I am finding myself getting upset after he leaves.  Or wierdly, want him to go when he is there.
It's not the living on my own that's a problem.  I am used to my Spinster Studio now, it feels more like a home and cosy with my cat.  I hate going back to my old apartment (where ex still lives) - it feels cold and uninviting and empty.  But sometimes, especially late at night when I am trying to go to sleep, I feel so lonely, alone, unwanted.  It doesn't help with this insomnia which means I have to resort to Seroquel to help me (which has also calmed down my bad feelings during the day).  And it doesn't help that I have no routine to get up for and sleep in way to many times and for way too long.
There's always tomorrow, I tell myself.  I can always start over then.  I will get up before 9 a.m., I will meditate, have breakfast, exercise, fell better about myself, do more.
And then tomorrow comes and repeats  itself and before I know it, the week has gone.
So another round of planning today - a sleep and activity diary printed and ready to go.  Maybe if I see how inactive I am then I may shock myself into doing something to change.

More sleep

So I tried a night without Seroquel and it didn't work - 4 hours sleep.
Today, I slept in until 4 pm.  I don't know why and as I lay in bed and dreamed about how good life could be, I lost track of time.  And I feel bad about myself.
I have been reading a lot about Buddhism over the last week and really like the philosophy, I just don't know how I can start living it. I have learned there are different schools of thought and I am pretty certain which one I want to follow, but I have lots of questions about it and can't afford to go and see someone to learn to meditate properly and get these questions answered.
Am still trying to control the drinking and have great support from a friend on fb who has been dry for 5 years now.  She enthuses about how she has turned her life around and it really inspires me.  I just wish I had some willpower.

Progress

I feel bad.  Very bad.
I've been feeling (up until now) pretty stable, not unhappy, able to cope.  However, a couple of things have been happening which I think have contributed to my mood suddenly skydiving.
First - ex boyfriend.  He split up because he said he wanted to be on his own.  Then he said a couple of weeks ago that he had never needed anybody (and although I don't want to feel needed, it's still hurtful that he doesn't need me in his life).  Now he is saying he is lonely.  Oh, and for some reason I still keep sleeping with him.
Second, I just found out that 3 and a half grands worth (CHF) of bills DID NOT get processed by the bank at the beginning of April.  And they didn't even send me a letter to tell me.  So I came back from holiday thinking the bills had been paid and oh look, I've done well managing my money and have enough to last me two months, which has now been spent on...well....living costs. So I am again behind with my psychiatrist bill and at the moment am in limbo between two health insurers so have no idea who is insuring me and who is paying my doctor's bills.
When I found out about the non-paid bills yesterday I really tried to not obsessively think about it.  I tried to do what that patronising prick Eckhart Tolle tells me in The Power of Now to just live in the situation. So I tried to distract myself but there was this little voice in the back of my thoughts repeating "FUUUUUCCCCKK" no matter what I did.  I disassociated from my feelings to try and cope.  Didn't work, the voice was still there. So I took some Seroquel to calm the voice down.  Promptly fell asleep for an hour which pissed me off as I haven't been sleeping properly at night for ages and didn't want to mess up my sort of routine.  (I was awake until at least 2 a.m. so yet more Seroquel to help me sleep).  Woke up this morning feeling generally low, lethargic and like I wanted to cry (and haven't been able to all day). Forced myself to get dressed and go out into the village (I needed some shopping and to pick up a prescription for Naltrexon) and found that I was feeling a bit disorientated and anxious about all the people.  Picked up my prescription and had a really nice chat with my pharmacist (she is a star and orders my drugs on emergency many times as I forget to reorder in time).  She asked me if I was living somewhere new as she had seen me carrying shopping at the other end of town.  I told her me and J split up in February, which she didn't know (her boyfriend was J's boss).  Anyway, she split up with her boyfriend (which I knew about) - he was 45, they had been together 20 years and he, like J, just turned round one day and said he didn't want to be in the relationship any more.  So there we were, in the middle of the pharmacy, bitching about men and mid-life crises.  But she said I looked better and although I felt like crying (which she kept apologising for) it was more because she was being so kind about it and not telling me crap like there are plenty of fish in the sea etc, etc.  She said we could meet up for a soft drink (she knows I have an alcohol problem) and that I can phone her any time.  We were both of the opinion that it can be a bit lonely sometimes and the thank goodness for our cat (mine)/dog (hers) to help us through.  Oh, and men are crap, pathetic little babies that can't deal with real life.  (Bit hypocritical on my part I guess).
Anyway, am at home now, a friend of mine will be on fb later to talk about not drinking (again) and hopefully remind me of the shame of alcohol.  I managed today all right but it is hard.  Still, am at home now and no alcohol in the house so as long as I stay in, I can get through today sober.
Doctor (GP) appointment on Wednesday, need to make another Psych appointment soon (when the bills are paid).  Still no job.

Is there anybody out there?

I have felt pretty stable all this week, except for Friday when I was unusually tearful, lonely and frightened in my own home.  Maybe it's the extra Seroquel I am taking which is making me anxious or something?  I am on 200mg a night in order to sleep - I was on anything between 50-100mg but that stopped working and so I upped the dose.  I tried Wednesday night to sleep without medication but it didn't work and I spent the night in a permanent light sleep - so frustrating.
One thing I have enjoyed this week is reaching out and reading a lot of mental health blogs.  There seem to be some regulars and most are so articulate, way more so than me.  But what I have found is that I am not alone and some people have way worse problems than me - I almost feel ashamed to consider myself mental.  I know it is all relative and on my better days I will feel like I belong, but I have always had a problem of fitting in and I think sometimes I am thinking that I don't even fit into the mentalists world.  I have felt confident enough to post a few comments and hope I have worded them properly so that I haven't insulted anyone.
Psych appointment on Monday after my appointment with the unemployment office.  Am feeling a bit ranty towards my psychiatrist so it may not be an easy appointment.
Also, with my planned return to England I have been researching the kind of help and support that I can get.  I have found a support group in the area that I am moving to but the hunt for a psychiatrist to see privately until I am into the NHS system again, has not been so easy. I have also looked for psychologists but am totally confused with the therapy types (person centered etc.) so have no idea which one will be suitable for me.  It made me cry as it seemed so overwhelming and scary that I am going back when I am so used to a high level of support over here in Switzerland.

Job Hunting

I bit the bullet and went and spoke to the managers of one of the hotels, who require an Au pair and help in service.  They are really nice and I knew them already so when the conversation got going I wasn't too nervous.  Of course, the wage for an au Pair is terrible but at least I would be working and earning my own wage.
At the moment the days are just drifting by.  Because of the Seroquel (now on 200mg/day to get me to sleep) I tend to wake up groggy and lay there for ages daydreaming.  I feel like I am being really lazy but I am just in a zombie like state most of the time except for bursts of energy every so often.  Hence making the effort to write on my blog.
Last night I was really tearful.  I really missed my ex and being in the comfort of a relationship.   Although I am content with being alone which has proved to myself that I don't need to be in a relationship, I miss the day to day security of having that person there.  I am still sleeping with him when the mood takes me but I am very passive about it, it's just emotionless.
So I have focused a bit on research as to the kind of jobs I can apply for in HR when I get back to the UK and am pleased to see I can get something pretty good that earns a decent amount as I have the skills they are looking for. Will start applying around September time as I am not expecting to get something straight away but it would be good to get something before the end of the year.

Life etc.

I HAVE to get a job tomorrow.  I can't put it off any longer, even though my anxiety has been getting the better of me.  So I have been reading every self help book and listening to self esteem CD's that I own to try and boost my self belief and confidence.
J called by today at about 1.30pm.  I was still in bed.  I could tell he didn't approve but he's not the one who is suffering insomnia at the moment and due to his army years he can survive on three hours sleep a night.  So I felt really guilty and then spent the rest of the day worrying about how guilty I was feeling.
My guts are churning though - I have tried visualising me going to speak to the hotel manager (who I know) and getting the job and receiving the pay at the end of the month.  If I earn the money then I can pay off the health insurance debts and take away that anxiety.  So I have to do it, I have just lost all trust and confidence in myself to be able to commit to work.  I know once I am in work I will be OK because I will have the routine and it is a job where no-one is breathing down my neck all the time so no pressure there, but there is a nagging doubt in the back of my mind - well, that voice that tells you that you can't do it, it will go wrong, that I am no good, I am a failure etc.
Plus there is still this sodding insomnia to sort out.  I have been taking more Seroquel as Dr I said I should try that rather than using sleeping tablets as it will also have an antidepressant effect and take that edge off that I am experiencing at the moment.  But I am almost scared to go to sleep as I don't know what tomorrow will bring and am anxious about that.
I spoke to my best friend, E, today.  Her new house will be ready in August and I am welcome to go back to the UK anytime after where she will take care of me and get me back on my feet again.  I have told her it will more likely be near Christmas by the time I have sorted out all the shit over here.  It's a goal anyway.  J heard somehow that I am planning to go back to the UK - he said I can't take my cat with me as he will never cope in a  town as he is used to wide open spaces and countryside.  He has a point I guess, but its my cat........In that past I rehomed my three cats when I was with my ex and we went travelling and I swore that I would never do that again.  But J found the cat for me so and it looked like we were going to be together forever.
Which wasn't to be.
I am focusing on daily affirmations and on future goals to keep me going at the moment.  This week I have been missing J quite a lot.  Also, last week I heard that some of the desperate housewives have been having girly nights and BBQ's together and they didn't invite me, so I was really upset (still am) as I take things like that really personally and then wonder what is wrong with me, am I not good enough for them.  But I will never feel "good enough" as it has haunted me throughout my life and I simply can't seem to shake the feeling.
I have been reading lots of other mental health blogs and my heart goes out to those who are finding life difficult right now...you are not alone........

Bad bad days

Yep, it's negative old me again. Wish this rain would stop, doesnt really help.

A few ups and downs this weeks, and the downs have been really really downs. I feel like everyone around me are the crazy ones and I have to check myself to see if I am still real. Today was a classic and an experience I havent had for a while. It goes like this:

Already wound up this week about being pushed out of a get-together, I think i have genuine reason but as its me it gets blown out of all proportion, hence the self doubts come in, guilt, hating self, noone like me etc, etc. Then this evening went into local bar (no alcohol-well done me), sitting there chilling and looked around at the people around me and felt.......nothing.....like it isn't my world. Then started to feel anxious and wanted to just be in a quiet place and alone, so went home. Just about got home before started crying, tried to distract myself by doing the washing up but that is really hard to do when I can hardly breathe as I am hyperventilating plus can't see because of the tears. Collapsed on the kitchen floor for a while as the cat looked on concerned (or maybe hunger). Got it together just about, am meant to phone someone when I am like this but didnt want to make a fuss when I am pronbably overreacting to something, although I dont know what that something is (although a broken heart is still the most likeliest cause).

Went to bedroom to grab tranqs, ended up pulling at hair and desperately trying to calm self down. Took a massive dose of Seroquel so that I wouldnt have the roundabout thoughts in my head and hopefully my brain would feel as shut off from the world as the rest of me.

Anyway, eventually calmed myself down, pissed off that my "coping strategies" didnt realy work and I really really really tried to get myself under control, so now feel even more shit about myself.

What happened to my sunshine life by the sea and surrounded by lovely people? Those lovely people no longer want to know me, the people who I thought were lovely people currently around me have not been very lovely despite my efforts and my family are strangers to me and I can't deal with them anyway. So where do I go from here? I just feel so tired and lost without my "One". Which is a bad situation. Why do things have to turn out this way? Why do I forever fuck things up with this fuzzled brain, why does everyone dismiss me rather than listen to my motivation or reasons for doing something? Am I a doormat? I know I am strong inside but I just dont trust who I am anymore, I dont know who I am anymore and there has only been one person in my life who knows me inside out that could tell me who I was and could be now, but doesnt want to know me.

So my conclusion after all this is that I have no place in this world. I will be invisible. No-ones heart would be torn apart if I left. If I thought it would be, I would stay and work this out.

Drinking again

Really shouldn't. Really really shouldn't. I drink far too much in one go, end up making a complete tit of myself and feel like crap the next day. Plus it's not strictly recommended on the meds I am on (Venlafaxine 300mg, Wellbutrin 300mg, seroquel up to 100mg, latriwahtever no idea how many milligrams as changes each week).

So the new meds (Latriwhatever) are building up slowly in my system and last week I had the headache from hell. Can't decide whether its from the new meds or from sitting in the sun for 2 days in my lifeguard job. Anyone?

So this week have sat in the shade, slapped on more factor 50 and no headache as yet. Actually, that's not true - just remembered I did have a headache yesterday afternoon and thought it was a thunder storm coming in (a headache is my early warning system for storms - maybe its cos I live at altitude). Well, whatever.

My medical insurer has kicked me out of their membership because I am behind on my premium payments. So I have one more week to come up with an alternative plan and there is no guarantee that the new insurer will give me a low premium. either way I am stuffed.

Well I wanted to sleep

And sleep I did. That will teach me to take medication in the dark. Took the big pill instead of the little one (broke packet into my mouth so wouldn't lose the tablet on the floor) by which time it was too late. Slept most of today, still have haunting thoughts, boyfriend pissed off with me, am feeling very dizzy and sick. Ate a shedfull of food and stayed in bed.

Early Morning Wakeup call

It's 2.40a.m. and I have woken up as usual. The 3a.m. hour has developed in the last few weeks - I haven't had this much trouble with my sleep since....well......I think over a year ago. The pharmacist owner Maryanne (Apothekerin) asked me if I was stressing about anything and then it hit me - this had started once my work hours had been cut.

It's not like I am consciously thinking about this (apart from playing in my mind a scenario where I sue his dutch ass for making me involuntarily unemployed) but I guess it is just there. I'm not sure if I am in denial, more ignoring the problam, not that it will ever go away but the tuth is too big and scaary to comprehend.

So I have been taking a teensy dose of seroquel to help me - the drawback with this is that it makes me really really groggy the next day and tired for most of it, not something I usually experience with that either. I think I am in some kind over oversleeping/stress waking cycle and can't seem to get out of it. It's so frustrating. Probably typing on this doesn't help either!

The other major thing which plays on my mind when I am trying to sleep is her. Let me explain who "her" is. She has stolen my life. She has the interests of my ex, she has wormed her way into his family who haven't contacted me for the last six years (I know what you are saying - contact them - I have done in the past but after a year gave up when I wasn't getting any replies), she is there in photos with him at functions when it should be me. I have lost the best friend I have ever had in my life and she, being perfect and funny and happy all the time, has taken my place. Of course someone like that would. Who wants to deal with a depressed person? But my heart aches. "Her" even mocked me - spoke to a friend of mine saying that there was nothing between her and him - when I hadn't told anyone how I felt. So that caused some problems with my current boyfriend. Well of course it would, how can I be like this about my ex when I should want to be with J?

My feelings are mixed with loyalty to J, losing "the one", jealousy (not an emotion that I have experienced much in the past but since my ex dumped me I have experienced a lot - I guess I am more insecure again) and generally feeling bad about myself. Even though my ex would call me a victim, I feel out of control of my emotions and can't react reasonably to stuff like this or deal with rejection. Hey, it is atypical depression after all! So then I start feeling bad about feeling bad etc. and so the whole process goes in a circle.

My appointment last Thursday was rescheduled because the psych was off sick so I have to wait until next Thursday to be assessed for nutters united group. How on earth am I going to be able to accept the past and how things are, I just don't think I can do it, I've tried and tried and tried but that's why I went back on tablets because I can't. I don't think I can ever settle knowing I have lost him forever. I know I am such a problem to everyone.

Great, now I am crying, not big wracking sobs but tears flowing and heart ache. Two days ago started thinking about death a lot. Again. Looked this up on the internet to see why I would think this and found something about suicidal ideation. The good thing is that apparently I don't want to die, I am just obsessed with dying. But that I may make an attempt. Great, so then everyone will think I am an attention seeker rather than someone who can't express how I feel because if I will do I will have a breakdown (I can feel it lurking) and just wants to sleep and not think (right at this moment I really want to sleep).

I'm such a mess. Got my normal psych appointment on Monday but I have no idea where to start to try and explain all this. There just seems to be too much noise everywhere that I can't get away from and be alone for a while, just for some peace, especially as there is family staying with us at the moment and I have been trying to keep on a brave face and it's starting to slip.

Drugged and disorderly?

Well things were getting a bit much for me last week and I was munching the tablets like Maltesers.

The first thing was I was cranky with my boyfriend. Don't know why, he hadn't done anything wrong. This of course put him in a mood, which then made my mood worse because I knew it was my fault and I was raving inside about the domesticicity (is that a word) of a relationship.

I then had the humiliation of an appointment with the Swiss social services as my bank account is seriously in the minus (overdrafts are the exception rather than the norm) and I have no access to any money at all and have been living on Prix Garantie Pasta for a week. (Don't anyone dare give me a lecture about carbs because it will go straight back at ya). Herr M. was very pleasant but I am sure that he was really thinking "another Auslander (foreigner) taking our taxes." He gave me some advice and a leaflet to make an appointment in a town about an hour and a half away from home who will be able to help me. So I left, red eyed, wondering where the hell I was going to get the train fare from and took a seroquel to calm me down. Unfortunately I dropped a 100mg instead of 25mg and didn't really notice at the time. This was on top of the Rivotril from before the appointment. Really should check those numbers.

By the time I got back to the village I was feeling a bit drowsy and thought it was probably due to the anxiety of the appointment and the subsequent stuff I needed to do. In the meantime the bills are still piled up - theres not much I can do except look at them - like my boyfriend says, its happened so there's no point worrying about it.

I called in on my colleague in the shop where I work part time (one of my five part time jobs) and we talked about the schedule for the upcoming week. I could feel my eyes drooping and I was really struggling to keep them open, while all the time I was thinking, "please shut up because I have to get home now". Eventually I escaped, got home and crashed out on the sofa. Apparently my boyfriend was already home but I didnt even notice him. When I woke up two hours later I felt groggy and numb - not a state to teach aerobics in. Managed to type and SMS to the attendees saying I was ill. J not happy. Gets cross with me and I have no reaction - too tired to speak or have any emotions. Went to bed and left him to do whatever blokes do of an evening.

It didn't fare much better the next day - the weather was shit, so no work at the swimming pool. That means no pay. No pay means more struggle top pay the bills. More struggle to pay the bills means more seroquel to stop me thinking about them.

And then things were OK, had a sunny day at the pool, the kids didnt play up at all, until I went for one drink after work. Which turned into a few and a very large bar tab which I still don't have the guts to ask how much it is. Might see how long I can get away with that one.

The next day I had one of my creditors phone me up at 6 in the evening and he was screaming at me down the phone, calling me a liar, saying that he was going to make sure I never get credit again in Switzerland, that I will have a black mark against my name etc. etc. I must admit I was quite calm. I told him that my situation has not changed, that I still dont have the money and that screaming down the phone at me doesn't change the situation. He carried on screaming, getting more threatening and saying he knew where I lived and was going to turn up on my doorstep. Now that could be interesting - J was in the British Army and lets just say is pretty good at....erm.....self defence, particularly where I am concerned (god I love him so much). The creditor has been warned. I had to put the phone down on him in the end because I could feel him starting to get into my head. The Swiss take not paying sooooo personally. Its ridiculous - I thought I could pay and then didnt quite have enough to pay. I offered a payment plan, he refused. So I've now had the nasty official letters through before court action or something.

Anyhoo, enough of my financial crap and lets concentrate on something else, like how crap I am in general. Oh yes, the innercriticvoicesinmyheadunconsciousmind is becoming more frequent. I've tried the telling myself positive stuff but what a load of bullshit that is, because of course its not true so I can tell myself a million times, its still not going to change the fact that I am crap.

Tried a new workbook about DBT. It looks really good, but I can't even get past the first chapter. Something about radical acceptance. So thats that then. Failed.

My scars and nicks and cat scratches are starting to heal and I am really trying not to pick at them but its really hard at the moment. Why does my psychiatrist have to go on holiday right now?