Where did Friday go? Well, I went to sleep 11.30pm Thursday night right through to 11.30 pm Friday night, two hours of eating and reading then asleep again until 11.30 a.m. Saturday morning. Needless to say I was a bit confused yesterday as to what day it was. Anyway, last night, for the first time in ages, I had a NORMAL night's sleep (still with 100mg Seroquel) but went to sleep around 11 p.m. and woke up (WIDE AWAKE NOT GROGGY) at 8.30 a.m. I never knew there were so many hours in the day and must admit am a little bored right now, but feel AWAKE! Am going to try and keep this routine going - my winter job starts in a month so I have to get some kind of regular schedule so that I am prepared.
The autumn here is so beautiful. I took my friends dog for a walk on Wednesday and...get this....I was SMILING and HAPPY because everything is so beautiful! I haven't felt like that in AGES AGES AGES!
So, Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. Probably my last one before the winter season starts as I won't have time to get to an appointment once I start work (I am bound by train times as there are no roads to this village, so it means I have to set off 2 hours before an appoinmtment and it takes about 2 hours to get back).
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sleep. Show all posts
Sunday, 6 November 2011
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Sunday Sunday
My plan today was to go and climb a Kletterstieg (also known as a Via Ferrata) with my ex and another friend of ours, the lovely and very cute P.
Unfortunately this wasn't to be. Whilst I trust my ex (he is Mountain Man Superhero), I didn't trust the weather, which was looking decidedly stormy and I hate thunderstorms. Plus we were leaving late in the morning because ex was working and so I was even more mistrusting of the weather (and rightly so - there was a very long thunderstorm).
So I am beating myself up about being so pathetic, and disappointed that I didn't go - it would have been fun. But I think my fears and anxiety was appropriate to the situation.
Ex came over last night - he cooked for me because I was working (yes! Work! Albeit casual) yesterday afternoon) and I think he was lonely and also wanted a shag, to which I obliged as I have difficulty saying no to him and ...well...I have my needs too! But this raises the question of why I keep doing this. Is it loneliness? Sometimes. Is it weakness? Yes. Is it a hope we will get back together? Maybe, although I don't think that will happen - he wants to be "alone". Is it to stop him going off with someone else? Absolutely - if he's shagging me, he won't want anyone else. I guess this is manipulation on my part, I'm not sure. I don't feel like I'm being manipulative, I just feel weak and can't say no, even though this is not a healthy situation. It was OK for the first couple of months but now I am finding myself getting upset after he leaves. Or wierdly, want him to go when he is there.
It's not the living on my own that's a problem. I am used to my Spinster Studio now, it feels more like a home and cosy with my cat. I hate going back to my old apartment (where ex still lives) - it feels cold and uninviting and empty. But sometimes, especially late at night when I am trying to go to sleep, I feel so lonely, alone, unwanted. It doesn't help with this insomnia which means I have to resort to Seroquel to help me (which has also calmed down my bad feelings during the day). And it doesn't help that I have no routine to get up for and sleep in way to many times and for way too long.
There's always tomorrow, I tell myself. I can always start over then. I will get up before 9 a.m., I will meditate, have breakfast, exercise, fell better about myself, do more.
And then tomorrow comes and repeats itself and before I know it, the week has gone.
So another round of planning today - a sleep and activity diary printed and ready to go. Maybe if I see how inactive I am then I may shock myself into doing something to change.
Unfortunately this wasn't to be. Whilst I trust my ex (he is Mountain Man Superhero), I didn't trust the weather, which was looking decidedly stormy and I hate thunderstorms. Plus we were leaving late in the morning because ex was working and so I was even more mistrusting of the weather (and rightly so - there was a very long thunderstorm).
So I am beating myself up about being so pathetic, and disappointed that I didn't go - it would have been fun. But I think my fears and anxiety was appropriate to the situation.
Ex came over last night - he cooked for me because I was working (yes! Work! Albeit casual) yesterday afternoon) and I think he was lonely and also wanted a shag, to which I obliged as I have difficulty saying no to him and ...well...I have my needs too! But this raises the question of why I keep doing this. Is it loneliness? Sometimes. Is it weakness? Yes. Is it a hope we will get back together? Maybe, although I don't think that will happen - he wants to be "alone". Is it to stop him going off with someone else? Absolutely - if he's shagging me, he won't want anyone else. I guess this is manipulation on my part, I'm not sure. I don't feel like I'm being manipulative, I just feel weak and can't say no, even though this is not a healthy situation. It was OK for the first couple of months but now I am finding myself getting upset after he leaves. Or wierdly, want him to go when he is there.
It's not the living on my own that's a problem. I am used to my Spinster Studio now, it feels more like a home and cosy with my cat. I hate going back to my old apartment (where ex still lives) - it feels cold and uninviting and empty. But sometimes, especially late at night when I am trying to go to sleep, I feel so lonely, alone, unwanted. It doesn't help with this insomnia which means I have to resort to Seroquel to help me (which has also calmed down my bad feelings during the day). And it doesn't help that I have no routine to get up for and sleep in way to many times and for way too long.
There's always tomorrow, I tell myself. I can always start over then. I will get up before 9 a.m., I will meditate, have breakfast, exercise, fell better about myself, do more.
And then tomorrow comes and repeats itself and before I know it, the week has gone.
So another round of planning today - a sleep and activity diary printed and ready to go. Maybe if I see how inactive I am then I may shock myself into doing something to change.
Friday, 8 July 2011
More sleep
So I tried a night without Seroquel and it didn't work - 4 hours sleep.
Today, I slept in until 4 pm. I don't know why and as I lay in bed and dreamed about how good life could be, I lost track of time. And I feel bad about myself.
I have been reading a lot about Buddhism over the last week and really like the philosophy, I just don't know how I can start living it. I have learned there are different schools of thought and I am pretty certain which one I want to follow, but I have lots of questions about it and can't afford to go and see someone to learn to meditate properly and get these questions answered.
Am still trying to control the drinking and have great support from a friend on fb who has been dry for 5 years now. She enthuses about how she has turned her life around and it really inspires me. I just wish I had some willpower.
Today, I slept in until 4 pm. I don't know why and as I lay in bed and dreamed about how good life could be, I lost track of time. And I feel bad about myself.
I have been reading a lot about Buddhism over the last week and really like the philosophy, I just don't know how I can start living it. I have learned there are different schools of thought and I am pretty certain which one I want to follow, but I have lots of questions about it and can't afford to go and see someone to learn to meditate properly and get these questions answered.
Am still trying to control the drinking and have great support from a friend on fb who has been dry for 5 years now. She enthuses about how she has turned her life around and it really inspires me. I just wish I had some willpower.
Sunday, 26 July 2009
Well I wanted to sleep
And sleep I did. That will teach me to take medication in the dark. Took the big pill instead of the little one (broke packet into my mouth so wouldn't lose the tablet on the floor) by which time it was too late. Slept most of today, still have haunting thoughts, boyfriend pissed off with me, am feeling very dizzy and sick. Ate a shedfull of food and stayed in bed.
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