Happy Holiday

And it really was.  I just spent 3 weeks in the UK, on the Isles of Scilly and in Hastings and Bristol seeing all my lovely friends and my nephews and neice.
That aside, I had some good chats with friends about the proposed treatment plans and all were really supportive surprisingly.  All were of the opinion that any chance given to me to help recovery is a chance worth taking. Hmm. I spoke to my brother about it and I think he was a bit shocked if a little bemused as to what ECT actually entails.  But hopefully he understands that things have not been easy at all.  My mum came to visit me in Hastings and I had an in depth chat with her.  She is relieved that I am going to return to the UK and live back on the south coast where I have godparents nearby, my best mate (who I will be living with) and my best mate's parents who are like second family for me.  I think she was shocked but she took it well.  I felt releived to have spoken to her and she was really supportive and a bit emotional.  It's strange, I wouldn't say I am overly close with mum but she steps up to the plate in a crisis and easy to talk to.
First thing I did when I returned to Switzerland was book an appointment with my "GP", Dr A.  I thought I had a cold sore before I went to the UK but it was actually impetigo and after a course of penicillin based antibiotics which I am allergic to (old GP said try them and stop if I get a reaction - I had a slight reaction but thought it was best to discontinue in case it got worse.  I am definately allergic) and an unsuccessful dabble with cortisone cream I finally went to a walk in centre, queued up with the methadone addicts and got some antibiotic cream, which has really worked.
I digress. Dr A agreed to continue the cream and prescribed (non penicillin) antibiotics. Then, as he has been in Zimbabwe doing aid work since August/September we had a good natter (that's what I love about him, he totally overruns appointments with me although the Swissie in the waiting room probably hadn't got much else to do anyway.  He asked me how the appointment with my psychiatrist went and I said about the change in medication and the ECT discussion.  He asked if I was "shocked" (fnaah fnaah) about the suggestion and I said of course I was and that I was undecided and that it was difficult to consider it when I feel so much better at the moment.  Do I then wait until I am in the depths again?  He said Dr I and he considered that a lot of people in my situation have big highs and big lows and somewhere in the middle.  But that in my case I had deep lows and "kind of OK" which was my somewhere in the middle most of the time.  He mentioned mood disorder again but as I am still in denial as to what that might be, I didn't push that point further. Anyway, I explained that the break in the UK had helped rather than be admitted as an inpatient and that the Cipralex seemed to be working really well in combination with the other medications.
I see Dr A again tomorrow (so maybe he will have some pirated DVD's from Zimbabwe for me) and to check the impetigo which is clearing up nicely (although am pissed off I have got it as I haven't been near little germ filled fuckers since winter and apparently they are the culprits of the infection). I see Dr I (my lovely psychiatrist) on the 7th November.
Tonight I am feeling rather lonely.  Since all the socialising in the UK, which exhausted me, I was a bit naughty last night and had too much alcohol.  So I am attributing this to my low mood today and the fact that I was crying uncontrollably at the end of a film on Channel 5 earlier.  I even missed fire practice this week as I couldn't face being in a crowd of people and the effort of speaking Swiss, which I am still struggling to adjust to after my holiday (usually it comes fluently to me - time to put back on German TV).  I am contemplating the thought of a winter alone (although I am settled in NOT being in a relationship) but winter I must work to give me time to claim back my social insurance and pay off any remaining bills before the plan of returning to the UK in April 12.  And I am TERRIFIED of going back even though it is the right thing to do, and living in a large town.  I will certainly be saving up money to get me a place in Cornwall asap, much smaller environment.
If it hadn't been for my cat since returning, I think my mood would be through the floor right now.  Samkitten hasn't left my side since I returned and rarely goes out (although being a cat the ground is probably a little bit chilly on his paws). I love my cat. I need to find him a rural home in the UK with one of my friends or I will miss him so much.  He's got his winter coat now which is really useful for mopping up my snotty nose and streaming tears at the moment.

Sunday Sunday

My plan today was to go and climb a Kletterstieg (also known as a Via Ferrata) with my ex and another friend of ours, the lovely and very cute P.
Unfortunately this wasn't to be.  Whilst I trust my ex (he is Mountain Man Superhero), I didn't trust the weather, which was looking decidedly stormy and I hate thunderstorms.  Plus we were leaving late in the morning because ex was working and so I was even more mistrusting of the weather (and rightly so - there was a very long thunderstorm).
So I am beating myself up about being so pathetic, and disappointed that I didn't go - it would have been fun.  But I think my fears and anxiety was appropriate to the situation.
Ex came over last night - he cooked for me because I was working (yes! Work! Albeit casual) yesterday afternoon) and I think he was lonely and also wanted a shag, to which I obliged as I have difficulty saying no to him and ...well...I have my needs too! But this raises the question of why I keep doing this.  Is it loneliness?  Sometimes.  Is it weakness? Yes. Is it a hope we will get back together? Maybe, although I don't think that will happen - he wants to be "alone".  Is it to stop him going off with someone else?  Absolutely - if he's shagging me, he won't want anyone else.  I guess this is manipulation on my part, I'm not sure.  I don't feel like I'm being manipulative, I just feel weak and can't say no, even though this is not a healthy situation.  It was OK for the first couple of months but now I am finding myself getting upset after he leaves.  Or wierdly, want him to go when he is there.
It's not the living on my own that's a problem.  I am used to my Spinster Studio now, it feels more like a home and cosy with my cat.  I hate going back to my old apartment (where ex still lives) - it feels cold and uninviting and empty.  But sometimes, especially late at night when I am trying to go to sleep, I feel so lonely, alone, unwanted.  It doesn't help with this insomnia which means I have to resort to Seroquel to help me (which has also calmed down my bad feelings during the day).  And it doesn't help that I have no routine to get up for and sleep in way to many times and for way too long.
There's always tomorrow, I tell myself.  I can always start over then.  I will get up before 9 a.m., I will meditate, have breakfast, exercise, fell better about myself, do more.
And then tomorrow comes and repeats  itself and before I know it, the week has gone.
So another round of planning today - a sleep and activity diary printed and ready to go.  Maybe if I see how inactive I am then I may shock myself into doing something to change.

Progress

I feel bad.  Very bad.
I've been feeling (up until now) pretty stable, not unhappy, able to cope.  However, a couple of things have been happening which I think have contributed to my mood suddenly skydiving.
First - ex boyfriend.  He split up because he said he wanted to be on his own.  Then he said a couple of weeks ago that he had never needed anybody (and although I don't want to feel needed, it's still hurtful that he doesn't need me in his life).  Now he is saying he is lonely.  Oh, and for some reason I still keep sleeping with him.
Second, I just found out that 3 and a half grands worth (CHF) of bills DID NOT get processed by the bank at the beginning of April.  And they didn't even send me a letter to tell me.  So I came back from holiday thinking the bills had been paid and oh look, I've done well managing my money and have enough to last me two months, which has now been spent on...well....living costs. So I am again behind with my psychiatrist bill and at the moment am in limbo between two health insurers so have no idea who is insuring me and who is paying my doctor's bills.
When I found out about the non-paid bills yesterday I really tried to not obsessively think about it.  I tried to do what that patronising prick Eckhart Tolle tells me in The Power of Now to just live in the situation. So I tried to distract myself but there was this little voice in the back of my thoughts repeating "FUUUUUCCCCKK" no matter what I did.  I disassociated from my feelings to try and cope.  Didn't work, the voice was still there. So I took some Seroquel to calm the voice down.  Promptly fell asleep for an hour which pissed me off as I haven't been sleeping properly at night for ages and didn't want to mess up my sort of routine.  (I was awake until at least 2 a.m. so yet more Seroquel to help me sleep).  Woke up this morning feeling generally low, lethargic and like I wanted to cry (and haven't been able to all day). Forced myself to get dressed and go out into the village (I needed some shopping and to pick up a prescription for Naltrexon) and found that I was feeling a bit disorientated and anxious about all the people.  Picked up my prescription and had a really nice chat with my pharmacist (she is a star and orders my drugs on emergency many times as I forget to reorder in time).  She asked me if I was living somewhere new as she had seen me carrying shopping at the other end of town.  I told her me and J split up in February, which she didn't know (her boyfriend was J's boss).  Anyway, she split up with her boyfriend (which I knew about) - he was 45, they had been together 20 years and he, like J, just turned round one day and said he didn't want to be in the relationship any more.  So there we were, in the middle of the pharmacy, bitching about men and mid-life crises.  But she said I looked better and although I felt like crying (which she kept apologising for) it was more because she was being so kind about it and not telling me crap like there are plenty of fish in the sea etc, etc.  She said we could meet up for a soft drink (she knows I have an alcohol problem) and that I can phone her any time.  We were both of the opinion that it can be a bit lonely sometimes and the thank goodness for our cat (mine)/dog (hers) to help us through.  Oh, and men are crap, pathetic little babies that can't deal with real life.  (Bit hypocritical on my part I guess).
Anyway, am at home now, a friend of mine will be on fb later to talk about not drinking (again) and hopefully remind me of the shame of alcohol.  I managed today all right but it is hard.  Still, am at home now and no alcohol in the house so as long as I stay in, I can get through today sober.
Doctor (GP) appointment on Wednesday, need to make another Psych appointment soon (when the bills are paid).  Still no job.