RANT RANT RANT RANT RANT

OK, I am feeling in a very ranty mood (had you guessed?) and am very irritable and anxious about leaving the apartment. Which I had to. To get cigarettes. (Saw 15 people and it was very scary).

*Trigger warnings about Suicide*

As I put on Facebook, and I quote:

"I don't care who Gary Speed is, it's a tragedy for his FAMILY not for FOOTBALL. Think of that you two faced morons, when yesterday if it was one of your family members/friends you would have been whinging about how selfish they are for committing suicide."

Because I really do feel this. I was probably on Twitter too long reading the most random retweets and comments about how sad it was and just felt, "what about the forgotten others, who don't earn millions, who don't have high pressured jobs, who are scraping by on benefits.  What about those who commit suicide? There isn't so much outcry when that gets reported.  And how many times have I heard from the stupid English who frequent the bars for Apres Ski in this mountain town who spout on about someone they've heard who has committed suicide (friend/family member/ friend of family member) as being selfish and cowardly for taking their own life.

And the news reports about Gary Speed - quotes from friends and other players at how this is a tragedy for football.  Er...What? Tragedy for the family methinks.  Tragedy that someone with a bit of depression is expected to pull themselves together. Tragedy that there is still so much stigma about mental health and that it takes a bloody celebrity to get people taking this seriously.  Now I am not knocking that Gary Speed's suicide is anything other than very, very sad.  But this applies to ANYONE who commits suicide.  A friend of Gary (I think some kind of football manager) said that he had seen him the day before and he seemed his "usual self".

Oh Dear.

Non-mentalists just don't get it, do they.

WE HIDE IT WELL.

WE DON'T ANNOUNCE THAT TOMORROW MORNING WE ARE GOING TO KILL OURSELVES. 

We hide it and we do it. We may have planned it.  It might have been a spur of the moment thing. And if we don't succeed then everyone starts bandering the phrase "Cry for Help". OMG, I nearly punched my Psychiatrist when he mentioned that to me.  A cry for help implies that we are trying to get attention for what we have done.  It's more like a last minute change of mind when going through the attempt.  Or that someone has picked up on what is going on and sent the ambulance round before we could finish it off. For me, it was the look my cat gave me and I just thought, "who's going to feed him?". Does that sound pathetic - yes it does, but that was the wakeup call to my doctor who shipped me off to hospital.  And I was embarrassed afterwards.  I was mortified.  Mainly because I hadn't suceeded in making the unbearable pain go away.  Thats why I like to sleep so much - when I am asleep, I don't have to experience the crippling pain and emotions.  Sometimes the thought of going to sleep for a very long time seems more appealing than just 8 hours. But unfortunately, the same shit greets you when you open your eyes.

Imagine having some disease that causes you unbearable pain and discomfort, that people around you don't want to try and understand, or if they do and you find a confidante, quickly becomes bored of you "whinging on" because that's just life isn't it.

I watched my dad die of cancer over a six month period.  He couldn't move, he couldn't speak so he couldn't communicate.  He was in that hospital bed having his arse wiped and his trach tube painfully suctioned all day and all night.  When they finally put him on a syringe driver, you know it is the end and I swear, if I could have broken into that box and pushed the lot of morphine in, I would of.  He was a shell, being kept alive.  And for who? For us, who didn't want to accept he is dying. How courageous he was and fought to the end.

Someone who suffers mentally, because it is an unseen illness, and sees fit to end their pain may well do so. You just don't see the cancerous thoughts and emotions that fill their body. What a cowardly and selfish thing to do because what about the family and their loved ones?

For me personally, thoughts of family and friends didn't come into it.  Just my cat.  Because I have suffered on my own. And those who tried to understand got bored and never talked about my feelings.  So I started to keep them to myself. And my focus was to stop my pain, much as going to my doctor and asking for some painkillers for a broken bone. And when the meds that are meant to help with this pain stop working and the diagnosis that I have Treatment Resistant Depression kind of puts me in a mood where a lot of hope is lost, it is difficult for me to see where this cycle will end and whether the pain will become umbearable again. (March 2011 and again Sept 11). Luckily I (now) have a proper crisis plan and when I feel myself sliding I'm straight back to my GP on a daily basis and they fast track me a psych appointment. But that's not to say I feel safe around myself in the lows.

And when the day comes when I have to put my cat down because he is in pain, then I will do so with love and understanding that I am doing it for him and not keeping him alive unnecessarily just to satisfy my emotional needs.

Please, if you know of someone with mental  illness, even if you are bored shitless of listening to them whinge (because you'd much rather listen to happy stuff), please don't abandon them.  Go with them to the doctor to get them help.  Read books about how you can help.  Go to mental health charities and ask how you can help. Try to understand their pain, even if you think it is trivial, it is not to them. Everything is relative.

Psychiatrist Appointment Review

So I saw my lovely Psych last Monday and to be honest I thought I couldn't be bothered to talk and have been feeling grrreeeeeaaaatttttt! But when I got there I suddenly found myself becoming very articulate, clear thinking and demanding answers to questions in a much more forthright manner than usual (drugs or....?)
The Cipralex started working pretty quickly after he prescribed it to me at the end of September (10mg/day) and he seemed pleased with that, as am I and I explained about my clear thinking, positive mood, feeling HAPPY when I walked my friend's dog in the forest the other day (totally wierd and unexpected experience as I don't think I've had a flash of that since 2008) and that in general I am now fine and not mad. So he's upped it to 20mg/day in the morning to top up the Venlafaxine (now down to 150mg) with the Seroquel as a top up when needed (still every night to get me to sleep although I've had one night since getting back from the UK I had a normal night's sleep without it - yeay!) and the stash of other old medications at the back of my drugs drawer that he doesn't know I still have - never know when they might come in handy heh heh.
So, then onto the ECT debate.  Some of you have emailed me with some very sage advice which I am very grateful for.  I agree that in CH the psychiatric profession seem quite....well....keen to pursue this option in cases such as mine but I am still researching, researching, researching.  I explained to Dr I that at the moment there is no way I need it, but who knows what I will agree to when in the depths of despair and depression, so I would rather be informed as much as possible before that situation would arise and if necessary draw up a treatment agreement/non agreement stating what I would or would not consent to.  I asked when they give the treatment i.e. when I am feeling great and do it anyway, or when I am feeling shit.  He said they were able to guage how effective it was being if I started when I feel like shit.  He went through how many treatments there would be and that usually when I started it would be as an inpatient for two weeks to monitor me and then be treated as an outpatient until the "required" number of treatments had occured and then.....get this.....once a month "maintenance treatment"! When did that enter the plan? So, after a bit more discussion about how my family felt and the conflicting views of friends, plus my indecisiveness still as I am still confused by it all, I agreed to visit the Private Psych clinic where I was incarcerated 4 years ago around this time of year, for an appointment to discuss further.
However, whatever I decide, it is unlikely any treatment of such will be carried out in Switzerland for me.  I am planning on going back to the UK next April/May and start in Ski School in a couple of weeks and there is NO WAY I would be able to be admitted as an inpatient or attend outpatient treatments a couple of times a week over the winter AT ALL, unless I go a bit mad in the meantime (which is a possibility, who knows where my moods take me) in which case, as I mentioned earlier, I want to have a Crisis Treatment Plan in place that everyone understands what I have or haven't agreed to.  I need to look up the Swiss law anyway on being "sectioned" as I would imagine they are probably a bit more strict over here given their love of law and order.
Watch this space people.....I will let you know how that appointment goes and they had better be prepared because I will be demanding answers.

Happy Holiday

And it really was.  I just spent 3 weeks in the UK, on the Isles of Scilly and in Hastings and Bristol seeing all my lovely friends and my nephews and neice.
That aside, I had some good chats with friends about the proposed treatment plans and all were really supportive surprisingly.  All were of the opinion that any chance given to me to help recovery is a chance worth taking. Hmm. I spoke to my brother about it and I think he was a bit shocked if a little bemused as to what ECT actually entails.  But hopefully he understands that things have not been easy at all.  My mum came to visit me in Hastings and I had an in depth chat with her.  She is relieved that I am going to return to the UK and live back on the south coast where I have godparents nearby, my best mate (who I will be living with) and my best mate's parents who are like second family for me.  I think she was shocked but she took it well.  I felt releived to have spoken to her and she was really supportive and a bit emotional.  It's strange, I wouldn't say I am overly close with mum but she steps up to the plate in a crisis and easy to talk to.
First thing I did when I returned to Switzerland was book an appointment with my "GP", Dr A.  I thought I had a cold sore before I went to the UK but it was actually impetigo and after a course of penicillin based antibiotics which I am allergic to (old GP said try them and stop if I get a reaction - I had a slight reaction but thought it was best to discontinue in case it got worse.  I am definately allergic) and an unsuccessful dabble with cortisone cream I finally went to a walk in centre, queued up with the methadone addicts and got some antibiotic cream, which has really worked.
I digress. Dr A agreed to continue the cream and prescribed (non penicillin) antibiotics. Then, as he has been in Zimbabwe doing aid work since August/September we had a good natter (that's what I love about him, he totally overruns appointments with me although the Swissie in the waiting room probably hadn't got much else to do anyway.  He asked me how the appointment with my psychiatrist went and I said about the change in medication and the ECT discussion.  He asked if I was "shocked" (fnaah fnaah) about the suggestion and I said of course I was and that I was undecided and that it was difficult to consider it when I feel so much better at the moment.  Do I then wait until I am in the depths again?  He said Dr I and he considered that a lot of people in my situation have big highs and big lows and somewhere in the middle.  But that in my case I had deep lows and "kind of OK" which was my somewhere in the middle most of the time.  He mentioned mood disorder again but as I am still in denial as to what that might be, I didn't push that point further. Anyway, I explained that the break in the UK had helped rather than be admitted as an inpatient and that the Cipralex seemed to be working really well in combination with the other medications.
I see Dr A again tomorrow (so maybe he will have some pirated DVD's from Zimbabwe for me) and to check the impetigo which is clearing up nicely (although am pissed off I have got it as I haven't been near little germ filled fuckers since winter and apparently they are the culprits of the infection). I see Dr I (my lovely psychiatrist) on the 7th November.
Tonight I am feeling rather lonely.  Since all the socialising in the UK, which exhausted me, I was a bit naughty last night and had too much alcohol.  So I am attributing this to my low mood today and the fact that I was crying uncontrollably at the end of a film on Channel 5 earlier.  I even missed fire practice this week as I couldn't face being in a crowd of people and the effort of speaking Swiss, which I am still struggling to adjust to after my holiday (usually it comes fluently to me - time to put back on German TV).  I am contemplating the thought of a winter alone (although I am settled in NOT being in a relationship) but winter I must work to give me time to claim back my social insurance and pay off any remaining bills before the plan of returning to the UK in April 12.  And I am TERRIFIED of going back even though it is the right thing to do, and living in a large town.  I will certainly be saving up money to get me a place in Cornwall asap, much smaller environment.
If it hadn't been for my cat since returning, I think my mood would be through the floor right now.  Samkitten hasn't left my side since I returned and rarely goes out (although being a cat the ground is probably a little bit chilly on his paws). I love my cat. I need to find him a rural home in the UK with one of my friends or I will miss him so much.  He's got his winter coat now which is really useful for mopping up my snotty nose and streaming tears at the moment.

Am I being oversensitive?

OK, OK, so I have felt better today until the afternoon and an email from my brother via facebook. Then I went through anger, tears, resignation that I am crap etc, etc. It all stems from a fb page I did as a laugh for my best mate who was screwed over by her boyfriend big time. He also stole some inheritance money of mine which I had lent to my bezzie mate for mortgage arrears. Apparently, well...read for yourself:

If this guy is as much of a dick as he appears to be then I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of thinking that you give a toss about him enough to even think about him.

If he's taken money then small-claims court him and be done with it, he'll have a CCJ then. If he hasn't then aren't you in danger of harrassment here? If people looking at your [work] stuff also see that there is an [me] waging a hate campaign on someone very publicly online then I'm not sure that sends out a good message.

Patronising c word is all I can come up with. My brother is 3 years younger than me by the way. I mean, yeah I know I'm mad but he could be a bit more sympathetic towards me, or is that me being selfish or something. Sent him a snotty email back:

Thanks for that. At least my Psychiatrist will get his moneys worth tomorrow. It's not a "hate campaign" and why is it OK for some people to say horrible personal stuff about me yet I am not allowed to protect my best mate by telling the truth. If he wants to sue me he can try, we'll be quits then. But maybe you are happy with him pissing Nanna's hard earned savings up the wall. And yes I know I am being oversensitive, I have ATYPICAL DEPRESSION, Wiki it.

Me
(Not sent in anger, sent in I'm tired of suffering this horrendous illness and just about functioning but at least J looks out for me and have supportive friends on fb)

Just to explain, my older brother sent me a horrible, horrible email at a very emotional time calling me horrible, horrible names and accusing me of things I haven't done or relate to the person that I really am. Added to matters which finally got me sent to a psych clinic. He said he had sent it in anger. He said he had held a gun to his head and hadnt thought of me. Since then everyone has been on his side totaly and he seems to be allowed to say anything about me and accuse me of things that piss him off. None of us except my younger brother were told about the gun thing. Now I am more open about my depression (everywhere except where I live and the immediate people around me). But not one member of my family flew over to see me in the clinic (I was there 7 weeks). Not one sent me a card or letter or anything of support except my godmum. My sister phoned once but most communication came from me outwards. My boyfriend was and still is shocked by this and (poor thing) he had all the stress and weight of this with no support from my family. Just me, him and our GP.

I have calmed down now but am still very sad. What pisses me off is there is always someone criticising how I react or how I feel towards something that I no longer trust my own feelings or who I am.

I am actually really looking forward to my Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I really need it.