It's still snowing

Is it right to still think about someone in your past when it's clear it's "over"? Sometimes when I compare my current life to before I feel that I'm in a situation that, whatever my situation is, I will always be yearning for something more.
I had "true love" once. I have "love" now.  that's not to say I don't love J, I do very, very much. But it's more like a great friendship than the passionate love I had before with T. But I am very lucky that I have someone who adores me and puts up with all my shit and that makes it hard to leave, if that is what I am thinking at the time.  And then I think if I am thinking that, then I should leave. But for what? I would feel even more lonely than I do anyway.
That's not to say I can't live alone, there are many days when I crave it, but I also crave the dizzy, heady, happy, smiling, passion that is true love.
I had it and I messed up. And I was never given the chance to rectify it or talk it over and purge these demons inside me.
And that's when I want to end it all, because the mistakes outweigh the benefit of life.

J is good for me, he looks out for me, I look out for him and it is comfortable and works, but I could never do to him what happened to me.

Friends

Ok, I admit I find it hard to trust people and to make friends, but I feel very sad today that I have lost some friends whom I have made effort to keep in touch with. One is not a friend but seems to have crept into my place as a best friend of someone important to me. He never speaks to me now and I don't know what to say that will bring him back to me. This makes me cry a lot at the moment.

One "friend" from last year seemed to ask a lot of personal questions of my (kind of) nephew about my relationship and then proceeded to ask if my boyfriend was up for an affair.

But I think I have made a good friend this summer. She doesn't "know" of course, I still don't tell people about me after the last time, but she is fun to spend time with. She is also absolutely no "threat" to me (when I get this in a low state) and we spend most of the time plotting how to get the man she is in lust with.

I'm probably not the best person to ask because even five years later I cry most days about losing the love of my life. Thats when I can't forgive myself, for handling things badly and not getting treatment many many years earlier. These are the thoughts which run through my head when I am in a bad place that no tablets or penknife or hair pulling can take away. Today is one of those days and I am very, very sad. My heart hurts.

Early Morning Wakeup call

It's 2.40a.m. and I have woken up as usual. The 3a.m. hour has developed in the last few weeks - I haven't had this much trouble with my sleep since....well......I think over a year ago. The pharmacist owner Maryanne (Apothekerin) asked me if I was stressing about anything and then it hit me - this had started once my work hours had been cut.

It's not like I am consciously thinking about this (apart from playing in my mind a scenario where I sue his dutch ass for making me involuntarily unemployed) but I guess it is just there. I'm not sure if I am in denial, more ignoring the problam, not that it will ever go away but the tuth is too big and scaary to comprehend.

So I have been taking a teensy dose of seroquel to help me - the drawback with this is that it makes me really really groggy the next day and tired for most of it, not something I usually experience with that either. I think I am in some kind over oversleeping/stress waking cycle and can't seem to get out of it. It's so frustrating. Probably typing on this doesn't help either!

The other major thing which plays on my mind when I am trying to sleep is her. Let me explain who "her" is. She has stolen my life. She has the interests of my ex, she has wormed her way into his family who haven't contacted me for the last six years (I know what you are saying - contact them - I have done in the past but after a year gave up when I wasn't getting any replies), she is there in photos with him at functions when it should be me. I have lost the best friend I have ever had in my life and she, being perfect and funny and happy all the time, has taken my place. Of course someone like that would. Who wants to deal with a depressed person? But my heart aches. "Her" even mocked me - spoke to a friend of mine saying that there was nothing between her and him - when I hadn't told anyone how I felt. So that caused some problems with my current boyfriend. Well of course it would, how can I be like this about my ex when I should want to be with J?

My feelings are mixed with loyalty to J, losing "the one", jealousy (not an emotion that I have experienced much in the past but since my ex dumped me I have experienced a lot - I guess I am more insecure again) and generally feeling bad about myself. Even though my ex would call me a victim, I feel out of control of my emotions and can't react reasonably to stuff like this or deal with rejection. Hey, it is atypical depression after all! So then I start feeling bad about feeling bad etc. and so the whole process goes in a circle.

My appointment last Thursday was rescheduled because the psych was off sick so I have to wait until next Thursday to be assessed for nutters united group. How on earth am I going to be able to accept the past and how things are, I just don't think I can do it, I've tried and tried and tried but that's why I went back on tablets because I can't. I don't think I can ever settle knowing I have lost him forever. I know I am such a problem to everyone.

Great, now I am crying, not big wracking sobs but tears flowing and heart ache. Two days ago started thinking about death a lot. Again. Looked this up on the internet to see why I would think this and found something about suicidal ideation. The good thing is that apparently I don't want to die, I am just obsessed with dying. But that I may make an attempt. Great, so then everyone will think I am an attention seeker rather than someone who can't express how I feel because if I will do I will have a breakdown (I can feel it lurking) and just wants to sleep and not think (right at this moment I really want to sleep).

I'm such a mess. Got my normal psych appointment on Monday but I have no idea where to start to try and explain all this. There just seems to be too much noise everywhere that I can't get away from and be alone for a while, just for some peace, especially as there is family staying with us at the moment and I have been trying to keep on a brave face and it's starting to slip.