Angry Days

I am angry. Very irritable and angry. Because?
Actually, I have no reason to be angry, I just am.  I can only attribute it to fucking up my meds this week (didn't get myself organised to get to the Chemist for a repeat prescription) and as a result have had several sleepless nights (Does anyone else find Zolpidem sends you hyper, or is it just me?) and have been reading into situations which simply don't exist culminating in a tirade of rage on FB - thank's to the lovely M who phoned me today and suggested I deleted those posts - love a gal who tells me how it is.
I hate it when I am like this.  I feel so detached from everything and every one around me.  I try to occupy myself so that I am distracted, but when I am on my own at home, surfing the net, these thoughts are hanging in the background making me worse and worse.  I am aware that is happening but I don't seem able to stop it and then I wind myself into a frenzy. Meh. I think it's time for a new Crisis Plan.
I tried to make an appointment to register at a surgery for when I return to the UK (5th May!!!).  I decided to go back to my old surgery from many years ago and thought that if I pre-booked an appointment for my return then I wouldn't need to panic about my meds running out (I have enough left for this month), plus can get back into the system asap.  So the conversation went something like this (I had to telephone as their email address does not work):

Me: "Yes Hello I am just phoning from Switzerland to..." 

Doctors receptionist "Can I put you on hold sorry".....wait......"Yes hello" 

Me: I wondered if I could arrange an appointment to register as.... 

"Yes, we are taking on new patients, just come into the surgery with the relevant paperwork, goodbye". 

I had spent 20 minutes practising what to say and then another 5 building up the courage to phone and explain my situation.  so of course, being the pathetic wimp who is currently totally overwhelmed by everything involved in moving back to the UK, I spent the rest of the afternoon curled up in bed sobbing my heart out with anxiety.  Thank god for Seroquel and my cat. Plus my friend who works for the NHS and will certainly be in touch with said surgery (she used to work for the PCT making checks on doctor's surgeries so I wouldn't want to be said Doctor's receptionist when she calls.

It's not so much making the appointment, it's the timescale.  I return to the UK 5th May.  It's Bank Holiday weekend apparently so there is no chance I will get an appointment for that week if I don't pre book.  First, I have to have an appointment with the Practice Nurse to register me.  Then they need to process me.  Then I need to know which doctor I am with so that I can get my Swiss Psychiatrist to send a report, plus get a repeat prescription because I will need meds asap. And I will need at least half an hour with new GP. This could take weeks. (Months?). I can't afford to be without mental health support for this length of time, particularly after making yet another life changing choice - these tend to be trigger points for me.  Of course, I know if I am a danger to myself then I can get my friend to take me to A&E but I do tend to rather think of myself (when I am in crisis) that I am a waste of space, taking up resources needed for sicker people, don't want to be a burden etc. etc. (The usual crap we mentalists tell ourselves).

Anyhoo, I have been in hiding most of the day after my FB comments which basically had told people living here to "Fuck Off" and have just enjoyed a night in of NCIS and CSI repeats.  Lovely. 

Is there anybody out there?

I have felt pretty stable all this week, except for Friday when I was unusually tearful, lonely and frightened in my own home.  Maybe it's the extra Seroquel I am taking which is making me anxious or something?  I am on 200mg a night in order to sleep - I was on anything between 50-100mg but that stopped working and so I upped the dose.  I tried Wednesday night to sleep without medication but it didn't work and I spent the night in a permanent light sleep - so frustrating.
One thing I have enjoyed this week is reaching out and reading a lot of mental health blogs.  There seem to be some regulars and most are so articulate, way more so than me.  But what I have found is that I am not alone and some people have way worse problems than me - I almost feel ashamed to consider myself mental.  I know it is all relative and on my better days I will feel like I belong, but I have always had a problem of fitting in and I think sometimes I am thinking that I don't even fit into the mentalists world.  I have felt confident enough to post a few comments and hope I have worded them properly so that I haven't insulted anyone.
Psych appointment on Monday after my appointment with the unemployment office.  Am feeling a bit ranty towards my psychiatrist so it may not be an easy appointment.
Also, with my planned return to England I have been researching the kind of help and support that I can get.  I have found a support group in the area that I am moving to but the hunt for a psychiatrist to see privately until I am into the NHS system again, has not been so easy. I have also looked for psychologists but am totally confused with the therapy types (person centered etc.) so have no idea which one will be suitable for me.  It made me cry as it seemed so overwhelming and scary that I am going back when I am so used to a high level of support over here in Switzerland.

Procrastinating

Really, really should sort out my sleep pattern. It's late and I am still reading random stuff on Wikipedia (my latest addiction - fascinating stuff about everything), no doubt J is pissed off (I can hear him snoring in the other room) because I haven't gone to bed yet. But this is one big area where we differ - I am a night owl, he is an early bird. Not normally a problem but at the moment I have no inclination to do much other than sleep and so am making the most of my waking hours, however inconvenient they are. Not helped by the fact that J bought me a bottle of wine and 3 glasses of that certainly don't help. I've told him he is not to buy any more junk food, alcohol etc. that I like because I am trying to go healthy - can't keep eating Coop chocolate popcorn for my dinner (even though it is yummy).

Pick up keys for apartment today (Thursday), bit nervous, what if it is crap after all?

Sleep at last!

Slightly amused as have just watched an episode of House where a patient hasn't slept for 10 days and they try to find out why. Luckily, I am now sleeping much better - not sure if it's because of my conversation with Psychiatrist or because am trying to stick to a routine or a combination of both. Got my dose of Seroquel to the right level now and also have a new medication to trial - Lamictal - on top of my others. My depression is having mini cycles so this is to try and stabilise my mood. If it works then my Psych will overhaul all my meds so that I don't have so many to deal with. Boyfriend not happy about it - says that every med I am given is said to do this or that and it doesnt seem to work because I then get another one. He's not a medication kind of guy, more of a grin and bear it (or grin and whinge about it to everyone more likely). Of course, there are always side effects - one being that I may find I tan/burn more easily in the sun (yeah, gonna look sunshimmered as I tend to tan), the other being that I might be overly sensitive to the sun and get skin rashes, the most serious one being blisters for which I have to stop straight away and get a jab from the doctor to counteract it. Oh joy. I work at the open air swimming pool two days a week so instead of enjoying the free tantopup (yes, i know I know, wrinkles etc.) I now have to slather on the Factor 50, wear a hat and sit under the brolly. Grrr. Kind of tried half and half yesterday because sunlight is good for depression - right?

Feeling better than I did a week ago except for being anxious and obsessive about stupid stuff but I can deal with that at the moment. I had an appointment to talk about going to a "feelings regulation" group, in German but I think I did OK because she thought it would be a good idea for me to attend. Really want to go but looking at my schedule for work I think I am going to have to join the October module, when I have a gap between summer and winter season.

Better start tackling the bills. This may change my mood somewhat.

Early Morning Wakeup call

It's 2.40a.m. and I have woken up as usual. The 3a.m. hour has developed in the last few weeks - I haven't had this much trouble with my sleep since....well......I think over a year ago. The pharmacist owner Maryanne (Apothekerin) asked me if I was stressing about anything and then it hit me - this had started once my work hours had been cut.

It's not like I am consciously thinking about this (apart from playing in my mind a scenario where I sue his dutch ass for making me involuntarily unemployed) but I guess it is just there. I'm not sure if I am in denial, more ignoring the problam, not that it will ever go away but the tuth is too big and scaary to comprehend.

So I have been taking a teensy dose of seroquel to help me - the drawback with this is that it makes me really really groggy the next day and tired for most of it, not something I usually experience with that either. I think I am in some kind over oversleeping/stress waking cycle and can't seem to get out of it. It's so frustrating. Probably typing on this doesn't help either!

The other major thing which plays on my mind when I am trying to sleep is her. Let me explain who "her" is. She has stolen my life. She has the interests of my ex, she has wormed her way into his family who haven't contacted me for the last six years (I know what you are saying - contact them - I have done in the past but after a year gave up when I wasn't getting any replies), she is there in photos with him at functions when it should be me. I have lost the best friend I have ever had in my life and she, being perfect and funny and happy all the time, has taken my place. Of course someone like that would. Who wants to deal with a depressed person? But my heart aches. "Her" even mocked me - spoke to a friend of mine saying that there was nothing between her and him - when I hadn't told anyone how I felt. So that caused some problems with my current boyfriend. Well of course it would, how can I be like this about my ex when I should want to be with J?

My feelings are mixed with loyalty to J, losing "the one", jealousy (not an emotion that I have experienced much in the past but since my ex dumped me I have experienced a lot - I guess I am more insecure again) and generally feeling bad about myself. Even though my ex would call me a victim, I feel out of control of my emotions and can't react reasonably to stuff like this or deal with rejection. Hey, it is atypical depression after all! So then I start feeling bad about feeling bad etc. and so the whole process goes in a circle.

My appointment last Thursday was rescheduled because the psych was off sick so I have to wait until next Thursday to be assessed for nutters united group. How on earth am I going to be able to accept the past and how things are, I just don't think I can do it, I've tried and tried and tried but that's why I went back on tablets because I can't. I don't think I can ever settle knowing I have lost him forever. I know I am such a problem to everyone.

Great, now I am crying, not big wracking sobs but tears flowing and heart ache. Two days ago started thinking about death a lot. Again. Looked this up on the internet to see why I would think this and found something about suicidal ideation. The good thing is that apparently I don't want to die, I am just obsessed with dying. But that I may make an attempt. Great, so then everyone will think I am an attention seeker rather than someone who can't express how I feel because if I will do I will have a breakdown (I can feel it lurking) and just wants to sleep and not think (right at this moment I really want to sleep).

I'm such a mess. Got my normal psych appointment on Monday but I have no idea where to start to try and explain all this. There just seems to be too much noise everywhere that I can't get away from and be alone for a while, just for some peace, especially as there is family staying with us at the moment and I have been trying to keep on a brave face and it's starting to slip.