Health Insurance (again)

So I have come full circle.  The problem started with my health insurance 2 years ago when I fell behind with the premiums.  So I changed insurers as Insurer 1 stopped paying my medical bills until I had caught up with the arrears.  Insurer 2 were happy to pay my medical bills so I continued to pay the new insurer and get my medical bills paid.  I thought I had "resigned" the contract with insurer 1.  But no, I was not allowed to change insurers with arrears outstanding and they would not accept a payment plan from me although I offered this on at least 3 occasions. Insurer 1 should have informed insurer 2 that I could not proceed with a contract with them, but they didn't.
Insurer 2 then said because I had signed a contract with them also, that I had to pay them as well.  So in effect, I would have t pay 2 health insurers which there was no way I could afford. Insurer 1 kept billing me.  I kept telling them that I was no longer insured with them, so to stop billing me.  I saw the social services, but he misadvised me, so all the while insurer 1 kept registering my non payment as a debt.  I then had the government debt people chasing me for money which I didn't believe I owed and couldn't afford anyway.
Finally this year my psychiatrist referred me to the social worker based in the psychiatric department (no doubt he wanted paying too!) and she started getting involved.  Basically insurers 1 &2 were acting against the law.
Following so far?
Another three months down the line, insurer 2 started issuing refunds to me, although I had specifically said to pay back to insurer 1.  Of course, they weren't going to do this as that would show liability.  In the meantime I was referred to the normal social services department as my social worker had done all she could within her remit.
Hence I have now received another letter from insurer 1 repeating what I was told 2 years ago.  "We will not pay your medical bills untill all arrears have been paid".
In effect, this means I can no longer afford medication, I cannot afford to go to my GP, I cannot afford to go to my psychiatrist.  Normally after I have visitedeither of these /collected medication, I am billed.  This gets sent to the insurer, who then refunds me the total bill less 10%.  I can then pay the bill with a small contribution from myself so that it is paid in full.  I can negotiate part payment, but still have to pay my insurance premiums, so it is one or the other.
Basically, I'm screwed.  After half an hour of crying this afternoon I put my energies into sorting out exactly which bills were still outstanding.  I have an appointment with social services in the morning and they know that they have to deal with the insurance companies on my behalf as I am not mentally capable any more of communicating with them - it's too much and I don't always know the words to converse in German. 
I am also waiting for my unemployment benefit (3 months now) so I phoned them today.  They told me they still need more paperwork.  Would have been nice if they had written to me to let me know what was missing, so I photocopied every job related bit of paper from the last two years and sent it to them with a covering note to say if there was anything further missing all they have to do is look up my file from last October from when I last signed on and it will all be there.  Of course, being Swiss that probably won't be good enough and I will have to do the rounds of all my employers in the last 2 years to get copies of paperwork which the unemployment office ALREADY HAS!
Frustrated? YES. Upset? YES. Skint? YES (i have about five pounds to my name right now).
I know the meeting with social services will be awful tomorrow because I will get hysterical and cry because I can't take the pressure any more.  It's all too much.

Sunday Sunday

My plan today was to go and climb a Kletterstieg (also known as a Via Ferrata) with my ex and another friend of ours, the lovely and very cute P.
Unfortunately this wasn't to be.  Whilst I trust my ex (he is Mountain Man Superhero), I didn't trust the weather, which was looking decidedly stormy and I hate thunderstorms.  Plus we were leaving late in the morning because ex was working and so I was even more mistrusting of the weather (and rightly so - there was a very long thunderstorm).
So I am beating myself up about being so pathetic, and disappointed that I didn't go - it would have been fun.  But I think my fears and anxiety was appropriate to the situation.
Ex came over last night - he cooked for me because I was working (yes! Work! Albeit casual) yesterday afternoon) and I think he was lonely and also wanted a shag, to which I obliged as I have difficulty saying no to him and ...well...I have my needs too! But this raises the question of why I keep doing this.  Is it loneliness?  Sometimes.  Is it weakness? Yes. Is it a hope we will get back together? Maybe, although I don't think that will happen - he wants to be "alone".  Is it to stop him going off with someone else?  Absolutely - if he's shagging me, he won't want anyone else.  I guess this is manipulation on my part, I'm not sure.  I don't feel like I'm being manipulative, I just feel weak and can't say no, even though this is not a healthy situation.  It was OK for the first couple of months but now I am finding myself getting upset after he leaves.  Or wierdly, want him to go when he is there.
It's not the living on my own that's a problem.  I am used to my Spinster Studio now, it feels more like a home and cosy with my cat.  I hate going back to my old apartment (where ex still lives) - it feels cold and uninviting and empty.  But sometimes, especially late at night when I am trying to go to sleep, I feel so lonely, alone, unwanted.  It doesn't help with this insomnia which means I have to resort to Seroquel to help me (which has also calmed down my bad feelings during the day).  And it doesn't help that I have no routine to get up for and sleep in way to many times and for way too long.
There's always tomorrow, I tell myself.  I can always start over then.  I will get up before 9 a.m., I will meditate, have breakfast, exercise, fell better about myself, do more.
And then tomorrow comes and repeats  itself and before I know it, the week has gone.
So another round of planning today - a sleep and activity diary printed and ready to go.  Maybe if I see how inactive I am then I may shock myself into doing something to change.

More sleep

So I tried a night without Seroquel and it didn't work - 4 hours sleep.
Today, I slept in until 4 pm.  I don't know why and as I lay in bed and dreamed about how good life could be, I lost track of time.  And I feel bad about myself.
I have been reading a lot about Buddhism over the last week and really like the philosophy, I just don't know how I can start living it. I have learned there are different schools of thought and I am pretty certain which one I want to follow, but I have lots of questions about it and can't afford to go and see someone to learn to meditate properly and get these questions answered.
Am still trying to control the drinking and have great support from a friend on fb who has been dry for 5 years now.  She enthuses about how she has turned her life around and it really inspires me.  I just wish I had some willpower.

Activities and sleeping in

Yet again, I failed to get up before midday.  This happened yesterday and the day before and the day before etc. although yesterday my ex came round to give me a free pass to the local outdoor swimming pool as I said I couldn't afford to go - of course, he caught me sleeping in which really annoys him as he keeps telling me I should get up and do something.  Admittedly last night I read my book until 3.30 a.m. and had taken seroquel to help me sleep, but I feel so guilty anyway about lazing about in bed when I should be up and doing something.  But I find it so hard to leave my duvet as it's a big scary world out there.
I wrote a plan for each day and pinned it up next to my bed.  My ex laughed at it and said I wouldn't do it.  But I like to think that maybe, maybe one morning I will wake up early and complete at least some of the things on the list.
Yesterday I spent most of the day curled up in bed with my cat.  I should explain my cat, Sam, likes to go out hunting or whatever and disappears for three days only coming back for five minutes to eat.  He occasionally goes back to mine and exes old apartment (where ex still lives) and sleeps, but he always comes back for food.  And then he spends a day asleep on the bed to recharge his batteries before repeating the cycle.  So I like to take advantage of his company, hence curling up with him yesterday.  He gives me a lot of comfort and unconditional love (unless you count food) and I love him to bits.  If I go back to the UK, ex says I can't take him with me.
Today I have been reading (the 4th book in 2 days), this one set in a ski resort which is hit by an avalanche (living in a ski resort, this book holds some interest for me).
Haven't had a drink since June - small steps and lots of encouragement from my friend on facebook who hasn't had a drink for 5 years now.  I am desperately trying to stop drinking completely and she is keeping me strong although I know really she thinks I won't manage it. I even missed a party (well I wasn't totally sure if I was invited anyway) last Friday because I knew there would be alcohol there.
I just wish I wasn't so crap at stuff.  I used to have such confidence in myself, such drive and these days it is completely gone.  The thought of leaving my apartment to go and do something like exercise makes me so anxious that I make excuses not to do it.  When my ex phones me he always asks what I've been up to and I am tired of making up stuff to tell him so it sounds like I have done something that day.  Except smoke and read or watch Jeremy Kyle.
Tonight I have deliberately not switched on the TV so I am not tempted to stay awake to ridiculous hours watching crap.  Instead, I have spent time on the internet madosphere to get up to date with blogs etc and even had some courage to leave some comments.  It's been nice, I feel connected with fellow mentalists and not alone.
Must phone up about my unemployment benefit tomorrow.  J has said he will give me 200chf so I have some money to live which is great (unless he wants it back) but I really need the money to pay bills, especially my Psychiatrist bills so I can get another appointment.  I have a HausArzt (GP) appointment on Wednesday (9 a.m. so HAVE to get up) and he is usually pretty understanding about delays in paying my bills (1 year last time).  He was going to copy some DVD's for me so hopefully he hasn't forgotten.  At least I get to talk to someone.
Still no job.  Am paranoid that 2 I applied for I didn't get because my ex boss is friendly with them and made up some stuff about me (we no longer get on after I worked for him).  If I find out that is the case I will go ballistic.  I think I might accuse him anyway because he is crap at lying.  It's just one of the replys said it was nothing against my character or my experience, which is a pretty weird thing to say.  His ex-wife works for one of them so maybe she will be able to let me know if he has said anything to put them off.  And if it is the case then I will make his life hell.
See, all this time not working makes me think to much and even now I am talking myself out of my feelings of paranoia - maybe I AM justified and right in being paranoid for once.  Maybe I WILL be in the right to get angry.  Problem is, no-one backs me up.  None of my friends, my ex, anyone.

Later........

I feel wrong. Very wrong.
I've just spent 5 hours on the internet...fb....youtube....TV on at same time but I'm not really watching it, can't focus on any programme.  I've been crying...I feel shaky and like I want to do something.....anything.........restless.........jittery and very very sad.  Can't settle.
I think I'll have a shower and some more Seroquel and hope I can feel a bit calmer.  I just want to RANT or something but I don't know what about.
I could call my doctor or something but........why..........what would I say?

Progress

I feel bad.  Very bad.
I've been feeling (up until now) pretty stable, not unhappy, able to cope.  However, a couple of things have been happening which I think have contributed to my mood suddenly skydiving.
First - ex boyfriend.  He split up because he said he wanted to be on his own.  Then he said a couple of weeks ago that he had never needed anybody (and although I don't want to feel needed, it's still hurtful that he doesn't need me in his life).  Now he is saying he is lonely.  Oh, and for some reason I still keep sleeping with him.
Second, I just found out that 3 and a half grands worth (CHF) of bills DID NOT get processed by the bank at the beginning of April.  And they didn't even send me a letter to tell me.  So I came back from holiday thinking the bills had been paid and oh look, I've done well managing my money and have enough to last me two months, which has now been spent on...well....living costs. So I am again behind with my psychiatrist bill and at the moment am in limbo between two health insurers so have no idea who is insuring me and who is paying my doctor's bills.
When I found out about the non-paid bills yesterday I really tried to not obsessively think about it.  I tried to do what that patronising prick Eckhart Tolle tells me in The Power of Now to just live in the situation. So I tried to distract myself but there was this little voice in the back of my thoughts repeating "FUUUUUCCCCKK" no matter what I did.  I disassociated from my feelings to try and cope.  Didn't work, the voice was still there. So I took some Seroquel to calm the voice down.  Promptly fell asleep for an hour which pissed me off as I haven't been sleeping properly at night for ages and didn't want to mess up my sort of routine.  (I was awake until at least 2 a.m. so yet more Seroquel to help me sleep).  Woke up this morning feeling generally low, lethargic and like I wanted to cry (and haven't been able to all day). Forced myself to get dressed and go out into the village (I needed some shopping and to pick up a prescription for Naltrexon) and found that I was feeling a bit disorientated and anxious about all the people.  Picked up my prescription and had a really nice chat with my pharmacist (she is a star and orders my drugs on emergency many times as I forget to reorder in time).  She asked me if I was living somewhere new as she had seen me carrying shopping at the other end of town.  I told her me and J split up in February, which she didn't know (her boyfriend was J's boss).  Anyway, she split up with her boyfriend (which I knew about) - he was 45, they had been together 20 years and he, like J, just turned round one day and said he didn't want to be in the relationship any more.  So there we were, in the middle of the pharmacy, bitching about men and mid-life crises.  But she said I looked better and although I felt like crying (which she kept apologising for) it was more because she was being so kind about it and not telling me crap like there are plenty of fish in the sea etc, etc.  She said we could meet up for a soft drink (she knows I have an alcohol problem) and that I can phone her any time.  We were both of the opinion that it can be a bit lonely sometimes and the thank goodness for our cat (mine)/dog (hers) to help us through.  Oh, and men are crap, pathetic little babies that can't deal with real life.  (Bit hypocritical on my part I guess).
Anyway, am at home now, a friend of mine will be on fb later to talk about not drinking (again) and hopefully remind me of the shame of alcohol.  I managed today all right but it is hard.  Still, am at home now and no alcohol in the house so as long as I stay in, I can get through today sober.
Doctor (GP) appointment on Wednesday, need to make another Psych appointment soon (when the bills are paid).  Still no job.

Is there anybody out there?

I have felt pretty stable all this week, except for Friday when I was unusually tearful, lonely and frightened in my own home.  Maybe it's the extra Seroquel I am taking which is making me anxious or something?  I am on 200mg a night in order to sleep - I was on anything between 50-100mg but that stopped working and so I upped the dose.  I tried Wednesday night to sleep without medication but it didn't work and I spent the night in a permanent light sleep - so frustrating.
One thing I have enjoyed this week is reaching out and reading a lot of mental health blogs.  There seem to be some regulars and most are so articulate, way more so than me.  But what I have found is that I am not alone and some people have way worse problems than me - I almost feel ashamed to consider myself mental.  I know it is all relative and on my better days I will feel like I belong, but I have always had a problem of fitting in and I think sometimes I am thinking that I don't even fit into the mentalists world.  I have felt confident enough to post a few comments and hope I have worded them properly so that I haven't insulted anyone.
Psych appointment on Monday after my appointment with the unemployment office.  Am feeling a bit ranty towards my psychiatrist so it may not be an easy appointment.
Also, with my planned return to England I have been researching the kind of help and support that I can get.  I have found a support group in the area that I am moving to but the hunt for a psychiatrist to see privately until I am into the NHS system again, has not been so easy. I have also looked for psychologists but am totally confused with the therapy types (person centered etc.) so have no idea which one will be suitable for me.  It made me cry as it seemed so overwhelming and scary that I am going back when I am so used to a high level of support over here in Switzerland.

Job Hunting

I bit the bullet and went and spoke to the managers of one of the hotels, who require an Au pair and help in service.  They are really nice and I knew them already so when the conversation got going I wasn't too nervous.  Of course, the wage for an au Pair is terrible but at least I would be working and earning my own wage.
At the moment the days are just drifting by.  Because of the Seroquel (now on 200mg/day to get me to sleep) I tend to wake up groggy and lay there for ages daydreaming.  I feel like I am being really lazy but I am just in a zombie like state most of the time except for bursts of energy every so often.  Hence making the effort to write on my blog.
Last night I was really tearful.  I really missed my ex and being in the comfort of a relationship.   Although I am content with being alone which has proved to myself that I don't need to be in a relationship, I miss the day to day security of having that person there.  I am still sleeping with him when the mood takes me but I am very passive about it, it's just emotionless.
So I have focused a bit on research as to the kind of jobs I can apply for in HR when I get back to the UK and am pleased to see I can get something pretty good that earns a decent amount as I have the skills they are looking for. Will start applying around September time as I am not expecting to get something straight away but it would be good to get something before the end of the year.

Ramblings

I sometimes wonder if my cat knows my mood is going to change before i do. He has been very cuddly towards me today and although i have been ok most of the time i have had waves of sadness and loneliness wash over me. Talking to my best friend earlier was great and i was feeling positive and telling her all my plans,  but now i feel so sad and very lonely. I am missing my ex too. I am so confused.

Life etc.

I HAVE to get a job tomorrow.  I can't put it off any longer, even though my anxiety has been getting the better of me.  So I have been reading every self help book and listening to self esteem CD's that I own to try and boost my self belief and confidence.
J called by today at about 1.30pm.  I was still in bed.  I could tell he didn't approve but he's not the one who is suffering insomnia at the moment and due to his army years he can survive on three hours sleep a night.  So I felt really guilty and then spent the rest of the day worrying about how guilty I was feeling.
My guts are churning though - I have tried visualising me going to speak to the hotel manager (who I know) and getting the job and receiving the pay at the end of the month.  If I earn the money then I can pay off the health insurance debts and take away that anxiety.  So I have to do it, I have just lost all trust and confidence in myself to be able to commit to work.  I know once I am in work I will be OK because I will have the routine and it is a job where no-one is breathing down my neck all the time so no pressure there, but there is a nagging doubt in the back of my mind - well, that voice that tells you that you can't do it, it will go wrong, that I am no good, I am a failure etc.
Plus there is still this sodding insomnia to sort out.  I have been taking more Seroquel as Dr I said I should try that rather than using sleeping tablets as it will also have an antidepressant effect and take that edge off that I am experiencing at the moment.  But I am almost scared to go to sleep as I don't know what tomorrow will bring and am anxious about that.
I spoke to my best friend, E, today.  Her new house will be ready in August and I am welcome to go back to the UK anytime after where she will take care of me and get me back on my feet again.  I have told her it will more likely be near Christmas by the time I have sorted out all the shit over here.  It's a goal anyway.  J heard somehow that I am planning to go back to the UK - he said I can't take my cat with me as he will never cope in a  town as he is used to wide open spaces and countryside.  He has a point I guess, but its my cat........In that past I rehomed my three cats when I was with my ex and we went travelling and I swore that I would never do that again.  But J found the cat for me so and it looked like we were going to be together forever.
Which wasn't to be.
I am focusing on daily affirmations and on future goals to keep me going at the moment.  This week I have been missing J quite a lot.  Also, last week I heard that some of the desperate housewives have been having girly nights and BBQ's together and they didn't invite me, so I was really upset (still am) as I take things like that really personally and then wonder what is wrong with me, am I not good enough for them.  But I will never feel "good enough" as it has haunted me throughout my life and I simply can't seem to shake the feeling.
I have been reading lots of other mental health blogs and my heart goes out to those who are finding life difficult right now...you are not alone........

Hope and Despair

When I first met my Psychiatrist I wasn't full of much hope.  I was in fact in deep despair - what had sent me to the clinic? Why couldn't I just be normal? Why did I keep coming back to these feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, sadness, fear, giving up?  I had tried medication before and it hadn't worked.  I had been depressed on and off since I was 15 so why would this time be any different?
I had requested a female psychiatrist, but this was not possible as no-one at the Psychiatric Service had good enough English skills to treat me and my German certainly wasn't up to the level  required to talk about my feelings.  In fact, I ended up with the Chief doctor as he had worked in America for some years and have remained with him ever since, three and a half years later.
I remember that first meeting - I was terrified.  I thought he wouldn't take me seriously.  I didn't believe anyone could help me.  After all, in the clinic they had remedicated me and I had therapies  but nothing seemed to offer a glimmer of hope that I would stop feeling this way.  I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but from the instant I opened my mouth to the close of the meeting an hour later I didn't stop sobbing.  I threw an exercise book at him containing my life story so far which I had written in the clinic and told him that I wasn't going to go over my life story again as I had done that years before in counselling and I was bored of it.
I really felt that he listened to me even though I was stumbling over words, jumping from thought to thought and completely embarrassed about opening up so intensely.
Finally, he spoke.  Please offer me a glimmer of something that can cure me, I thought.  He told me that it appeared I was suffering from Atypical Depression, which is in fact quite "typical".  He ran through the diagnostic criteria and I felt such relief that what he was describing was in fact - me.  Finally, someone may be able to help me?  He suggested medication that might help me (although I can't remember which as I am on regime number 6 now) to start off with and then began a weekly appointment to try and unwrap my feelings of despair.
It is three and a half years later and I see Dr I on a monthly basis.  I have tried leaving it longer but invariably crack up in a longer timescale.  I now take medication which I am satisfied with (here's hoping it continues to deliver) and have learnt a lot about myself.  He is a lifeline.
Maybe one day I will not have to depend on this.

Psychiatrist appointment

My scheduled appointment was on Monday, one of the hottest days we have had here this year.  Dr I did apologise that his office would be hot and stuffy - although the window was open it is often reshut as the office is located by the hospital helipad - the heli usually comes in to land just when I am getting to an important or emotional comment.
Anyway, my mood had dropped last week and so I began by explaining that.  He asked if there was a particular reason and I said I had been thinking about that but there was no reason I could think of.  I explained about my sleeping problems over the last three weeks and that Dr A had given me Zolpidem after I had tried Temesta.  He seemed a bit disapproving and suggested I tried Seroquel instead, up to 300mg as the antidepressant effects would also help with my mood.
There wasn't much else to talk about really.  He asked about J and I said that I was in a mood with him as he only phones when he wants something.  J gets annoyed if I don't pick up the phone when he calls, saying that he worries in case I have done something to myself.  When I said to J after my appointment that he hadn't phoned for a week and I could be dead on the floor he said that I can pick up the phone too!  Typical, he always tries to turn it back on me. Dr I thinks I am working through my anger.
I explained that I had lists everywhere of stuff I want to do, to achieve, but never do and then beat myself up about not achieving my goals.  Dr I suggested I had a maximum list of three things and that I spent 5 minutes on each with the hope that this would motivate me to achieve more.  I am going to give it a try.  I've got nothing to lose.
I think my health insurance problem is getting closer to resolution.  I keep getting random statements from insurer number 1 with cancelled policies and new ones that are cheaper etc.  So I am  a bit confused as to who I am insured with at the moment.  Anyway, not my problem as the Social Service is taking on my case and will basically reallocate my money according to the debts I owe and pay me the excess (topped up if it is too low) into my bank account so that I know how much money I have for myself each month and no surprise bills coming in.  I sent off the paperwork yesterday after meeting with them last week.  Fingers crossed this goes well.

Finally 8 hours sleep

.....and felt better for it although a little groggy.  At least I got up at a reasonable hour, trouble is, don't know what to do to fill my time....

This is ridiculous

Surely after 10mg zolpidem and 50mg seroquel should be feeling slightly tired? 2 hours and waiting......

Stillllllll nooooo slleeeeeep

So i finally got some temesta (lorazepam) from my doctor and it does nothing to help me sleep. Nothing. Doesnt make me feel sleepy, only slightly tired but not enough to send me to the land of nod.
It has left me with raging paranoia when i wake up and a feeling of fearful sadness. And after i had taken my dose for sleep i had this bizarre feeling of awareness of being alive and in my dkin, breathing, which freaked me out and sent me hiding under the covers. Methinks back to doctor tomorrow.

Still no sleep

Well not at the right time anyway. I was awake until 4am and slept on and off until 2pm. Am sick of this. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and i think i will ask him for some sleeping tablets for a couple of nights, if he'll let me have them. Otherwise it's CSI repeats and reading books.

Sleep won't come

Its after 3am and still i cant sleep. My sleep patterns are haywire, i am awake into the early hours and sleep in til midday. Usually seroquel helps to calm my mind so that i drift off but its not working tonight. Reading a book hurts my eyes but doesnt make me tired. At a loss what to do. Herbal tea hasnt helped either. Maybe i should ask the doctor on wednrsday for some sleeping pills for a couple of nights just to get me back on track. Wish i was my cat who has been sleeping on my bed for the last 6 hours.

Just passing time

My mood has been pretty stable of late and I have been feeling......well.........hopeful.
My unemployment status has not changed, but at my meeting in the unemployment office the other day, Frau S was really nice and helpful.  Seeing as this is the third time I have attempted to be unemployed scum I found it quite a refreshing attitude.  Mind you, my Psychiatrist had written her a letter - don't know what he wrote but it worked.  Maybe she thought I was going to stab her or something...........
Anyway, she asked me if I was able to work full time and that if I wasn't that it wasn't a problem.  The RAV (as it is known) expect you to travel some considerable distance for a job but she said if I had travelling time then I could work part time rather than stress myself out with working full time AND travelling. Wow - wasn't expecting that.  I asked whether there was any option of retraining perhaps in computer skills and she suggested the ECDL course (which I want to do), but first she would look at my application pack (a dossier you send to employers) and take it from there, but that there was no problem in retraining so that I could be more integrated into work.  WOW again!  Also, she said if the unemployment benefit was not paid for any reason then I was to go to Social Services who would support me.  All in all a very positive meeting and I came out of there feeling less pressurised as my job hunting has not been successful so far and I was getting worried that there would be nothing for summer.
At the same time I have been looking into costs for moving back to England.  Not cheap, but I need to know how much it would be so I can save up.  My biggest worry is getting my cat back to the UK and I feel sick at the thought of even getting him transported, he will be so scared. (He's curled up on the bed at the moment looking all sleepy and cute).
J has not been too annoying, apart from Sunday again he had no food so I snapped at him and then he told me not to worry about it, he would get some somewhere - like where, I said?  So I fed him again but I think he got the hint when I ranted at him to get himself organised.  Yep, he'd been paragliding again.  Then his first quarter tax bill came through for about 3000chf so he is sulking.  Anyway, I took half my money back from his tax account because I need it, and the health insurance money from his bank account.  I did tell him (and he knows I have access to his bank account through internet banking or I would never get it back) and really, there wasn't anything he could say or do about it.  Like I said, I am prioritising ME now.
It looks like my health insurance problem is progressing.  My social worker phoned me last week and said that insurer 2 would pay the money back, but to me and not to insurer 1.  I said this wasn't acceptable as I did not want to be in control of all that money and that it means insurer 2 absolves responsibility by paying it back to me instead of to insurer 1.  Then today I have had an account status sent through by insurer 1 saying they owe my boyfriend the balance of 2009.  Not totally sure what's gone on but it looks a bit strange.  Must speak to Frau G about it when I meet her next week. Just can't wait for the mess to be over.
Been keeping myself busy by reading a lot of mental health blogs and there are some harrowing stories.  My heart goes out to you all as I have been there and know how hard it is.  Luckily I am in a better place at the moment and holding on to that, but I know at other times I will go back to being in the depths of despair.

Holidays

I had holiday booked for the second week of April.  Originally it was for me and J, but after the split that wasn't an option.  So my schoolfriend of 20 years, E, begged an emergency off work to accompany her nutty friend to Cornwall.  We had a brilliant time.  I used to live there before coming to Switzerland and hadn't seen my friends for 6 years so there was a lot of catching up to do - I had a social life, people WANTED to meet up with me!  E looked after me very well and was amused to see how forgetful, clumsy and disorganised I am these days (she is a control freak but in a nice way).  She looked after me well, getting me cups of tea and glasses of water for my meds, checking I took them every day.  I think she gets it from her mum (who is a retired nurse) but it did make me feel like a lazy slob.
It was great to relax in beautiful surroundings after a hard winter, sunbathing and walking.  I didn't want the week to end but eventually it had to.  We drove back to Sussex and I re-packed to return to Switzerland the next day. Crunch time came.  I cried.  A lot.  I didn't want to come back.  I didn't feel like there was anything to come back to (except my cat).  E, being the practical bird she is was brilliant again and talked me through some options.  What were my reasons for staying in Switzerland?  Would it not be better to get some long term security such as a regular job instead of seasonal work?  Would I like to come back to the UK?  She offered the option of me dossing with her until I got back on my feet, perhaps getting a job with the council or the NHS and then transfer back to Cornwall if that is where I wanted to live.  I suddenly felt strong enough to start planning for my future.  I do want security of my own and not just through men. I do miss my friends.  I do miss my social life. I miss having fun.
So i have a year's plan in place - first, I need to get my enormous health insurance problem sorted out.  My Social worker at the psychiatric service has been brilliant in helping me with this and is arranging a meeting with some debt people next month (and will go with me).  She has also got supporting evidence from my psychiatrist to support my situation should there be objections from the health insurers (I say insurers because I am in the unthinkable position of having to pay 2 insurers which is not allowed in Switzerland - it is the insurers' mistake and they are trying to dump a debt on me that I don't owe - slightly more complicated than that but I am caught in the middle and being given the runaround by the insurers and the debt administrators).
Second, I have to get a job back in the UK.  My HR knowledge is so out of date that I need to do something now to get back on track so I have some chance of getting a decent job.  I've also been looking at improving my admin skills (touch typing, ECDL etc.) which I can do quite cheaply.  Also, I am currently registered unemployed so I may be able to get sent on a course through them.
Third, I need to save as much money as is possible over the next year so that I have something to fall back on in the UK and maybe have enough for a deposit on a flat (hmm....house prices gone crazy since I left) - a goal to aim for.  I reckon I could save about 500 pounds a month so in a year I would have over 5000.
I told my psychiatrist my plan.  He asked what if I met someone else and I told him that NO-ONE will get in my way this time.  Too many times I have given in to my boyfriends plans and dreams instead of concentrating on me. No, the new me will not be influenced by another man.  I will achieve my goal.  He suggested I have difficulty saying no and he is right.  Last week, J (my ex) asked if he could borrow a substantial amount of money to pay his tax bill because he didn't have any.  This is money I have put aside to sort out the health insurance debt problem and pay of the difference so it is really important that I have it ready.  But he seemed so desperate that I thought the nice thing to do would be to lend it to him.  So he paid his bill.  Then announced that he was going to continue his paragliding training (which his sister paid for the first part 500 pounds because he didn't have any money) and this will cost over 3000 pounds in total for all the gear, training and flights he has to do.  Amazingly, he seems to be able to find the money to do this! Bastard!  Am NOT amused in the slightest and can feel the anger building up whenever I think about it.  THEN he phoned me on Sunday to show him how to log into his training book on the paragliding course website (which I did) and then asked if I had any food (the whole of the village is shut on a Sunday so you need to get yourself organised and buy your nosh the day before).  So I cooked for him.  I AM A MUG! JUST SAY NO is my new mantra.  Although I have complicated things by being his fuck buddy over the last two weeks.  Not the best of ideas, but I am totally confident that we won't get back together, not since I have been replaced by a parachute and not since I have realised that he manages to find money for that but in six years never took me out for a romantic meal or some other paid activity.  And don't get me started on our Nepal holiday in 2008 (plus paragliding basic course) which I paid for from some inheritance money I had through.  I am so angry that my opinion of him could change so much and see him for the selfish cunt he really has been.  It's hard to call someone that when they are so nice but I am at the end of being nice right now and sick of only being phoned when he wants something.
So let's just say my mood is pretty stable right now - permanently angry.
One thing that worries me about returning to the UK is the level of care I will get from mental health services as I am used to a pretty high standard.  I realise I will probably see a psychologist and not a psychiatrist for a "chat" but I have no idea how the system works over there.  Hopefully E will look into this for me as she works for the NHS.
Talking of the NHS, I did experience going to my old doctor's when on holiday.  I didn't pack my Seroquel because I didn't think I needed it, but when I bumped into someone who I was told was my exes ex-girlfriend I started getting repetitive thoughts and remembered stuff about my ex (the love of my life, THE one) and couldn't cope.  It didn't matter that she looked like a dog with sad hair and clearly new who I was (I sparkled in public but behind closed doors I was a mess), it didn't matter that I didn't even bump into my ex (he knew I was coming so probably avoided going out), but what did matter was imagining them together.  They only managed six months and I know it is hypocritical of me to say so when I was with J for the last 6 years, but T is the one I will always love wholeheartedly and still believe we are meant to be together, even though this is an unrealistic plan and never going to happen.
Ahh well, to bed now, just me and my cat who is banished to the house for another couple of days before I can let him out into his new environment - harsh but necessary or he will just run off.

Psychiatric Breakdown

I've been away from bloggin for a while because I have been in crisis.
It all started in February when my boyfriend of six years decided to end the relationship.  Naturally I am devastated and it came as a complete shock.  I knew things weren't great but believed it was because we were both working too hard and stressed.  When he told me I broke down and had to get a friend to take me to the doctor where he took one look at me and tried to gt me to go to the clinic.  I refused.
He then called J, who came immediately and took me home where he had instructions to stay with me.  I went to bed and slept for a very long time.  I crawled to work the next day, no idea how. Although I went to the snowbar and ordered copious amounts of red wine in a coffee cup so that my boss wouldn't see what I was really drinking.  Friends were supportive though but I knew it would be a five minute wonder and then forgotten.
So we were then living in the same apartment for a while, which was awful.  There were a couple of timed when he persuaded me to sleep in our bed rather than in the spare room and he tried it on with me.  Against my heart I refused to have sex with him - I knew I wouldn't be able to hack the emotional fallout.
Cue an emotional few weeks living in limbo.  I then announced I had found a studio apartment and would be moving out to which he responded there was no rush and that I didn't need to move out.  I decided that I had to, I hated living how we were and in the cold, lonely spare room with just my cat for company.
All was going OK, just a waiting game until I moved, when the crunch came.  Although I have been trying to control my alcohol consumption, I drank, went "home" with J an d we had a massive row.  It brought up all my feelings of inadequacy and filed relationships.  I phoned my friend in England and told her about the row, at the same time popping packets of pills and forming a big pile of them next to me  When I put the phone down (J had gone to bed) I ran them through my hands a few times and then in a split second, before I even realised what I was doing, I took them.
The thing that saved my life was my cat.  He walked in and looked at me and all I could think of was how much I would be letting him down.  So I phoned my GP.  He was brilliant.  I stumbled to the surgery just behind my apartment and he immediately arranged for me to go to hospital.  Of course, living in a mountain town this involves a lot more organisation.  He arranged for a taxi from the surgery to the station and called the local equivalent of St John's ambulance to accompany down the mountain while he wrote a summary for the hospital.  Needless to say, they had to "hold" the next train for me and I was stretchered into the luggage compartment.  Frau W kept me awake by talking to me all the time on the 15 minute train journey to meet the ambulance in the valley.  That's when I passed out. (I have seen her since and thanked her).
Next thing I remember was being in the hospital being made to drink charcoal (which I spilt everywhere - I just wanted to sleep and figured if I just gulped it down they would leave me alone) and having a tube stuck up my nose to the back of my throat (but I don't think they pumped my stomach).  Next thing I remember is the next day when they woke me becaue my doctor phoned.  I don't remember the conversation but apparently J on finding my ski school jacket not there and me not in bed had wandered the village trying to find me and eventually gone to the doctors surgery.  Unfortunately my doctor had not phoned me.  He then went to a bar by which time the rumours were going round the small town and people were asking him if it was true that I was in hospital.  He told everyone to leave him alone and so no-one knew what was going on and didn't visit as they weren't sure if it was OK.
When I came round on the Tuesday it was enough to send an SMS to my friends and tell them what had happened.  My Aussie friend M, who I only met this winter but clicked straight away, immediately got the train down to the hospital to visit me.
In the meantime the lovely nurse looking after me helped me get up for a shower and change of gown.  I felt woozy and tired and had the lovely experience of having a catheter taken out.  And I also felt very sad and very embarrassed - how could I go home and how could I face J after this?  They were going to move me to another ward when M arrived and so I asked if I could go home if she accompanied me, which they agreed to.
M was brilliant.  She brought me home and stayed with me the whole day, making me join her and her boyfriend for a meal in the evening.  I also went and saw my good friend G who was working and he hugged me and wouldn't let me go.  M made sure every day I got outside and met up.  For someone that hardly knows me she was a tower of strength.
Of course, I knew I had to see my psychiatrist, but he was on holiday and luckily one of the psychologists who had visited me in hospital arranged an appointment and we put together an emergency action plan.  We also talked about the power of cats to have this sixth sense that something was wrong!
I still feel so embarrassed and it is like a dream - I still can't get my head around it.  But pills are definitely the way to go, as I had always thought.  The suicidal thought have subsided but I am being kept a close eye on because I moved into my new Studio and they are all worried I will try the same again because I am on my own now.