Outpatient Clinic: How the appointment was and other non interesting things

Am just taking five minutes out from a kind of "dinner party" as I want them to leave. They all sound like they are having fun but I want them to leave now. Grrr. Feeling a bit aggressive right now.

So, I had my appointment on Monday at the Tagesklinik (day clinic) run by a very fast speaking German who did say I had to tell him if he spoke to fast. I arrived there in good time (tick) and was greeted by Herr S (can't remember his name) who seemed vaguely familiar but I wasn't sure why. Turns out he used to work at the Psychiatric clinic where I had stayed two years ago although he didn't remember me (of course not, I wasn't in any groups to remember as my German was not so good then). I was there for about an hour being assessed as to, well, I don't know really, whether I am good enough, the right calibre, not too mental? I just want to make raffia stuff (as my boyfriend keeps teasing me) so that I am not at home thinking about stuff. So, I think I passed as I have been accepted (and was told my German was good but of course I know that when I get upset that I can't concentrate or think straight and I know they were just being nice). Felt a bit drained afterwards but met up with a friend and did some retail therapy just for good measure.

I have been waking up every night for the last couple of weeks or so in a cold sweat and when I say sweat I mean bedbath. I have too change the bedclothes every day, even if I wear PJ's. Is this a side effect of the medications? Seems to have started with the Lamictal now I am on the "full dose" as per my plan. I am currently on (start raising eyebrows now as have the clinic and my "GP" and my chemist:

300mg Venlafaxine (a.m.)

300mg Wellbutrin (a.m.)

50mg Lamactil (a.m.) 50mg (p.m.)

In reserve for emergencies: Rivotril (at .5mg a pop), Seroquel (up to 100mg)

Yeah, quite a lot. Even my Psychiatrist (I hope he is having a great holiday, it must be so boring listening to mentalists all day - am sure I would be saying "just get a life will you!") has said it's a lot so we are going to review it when he is back. I want to push for some kind of mixed plan so I have meds, group therapy and day clinic for activities. If none of that works, well, certify me and throw away the key! No hope!

As for the group therapy, I am starting the "Emotions Regulation Group" in November which I am strangely looking forward to. I know I can be all over the place and although I accept this condition a lot more than I used to, I still need to work on effective coping strategies and I know I will feel more enthusiastic (probably the competitiveness me returning) about formulating and sticking to a plan.

Embarassingly I had to "sign on" today. Oooo, was sooooo embarassing and thank goodness there was no-one in the office when I was doing so. Had to say I was going to Tagesklinik (bring on the "not going to show a reaction but being really careful what I say" look. Anyway, I have a Welcome to being unemployed pack which my boss has to fill in (problem: he is in Alaska until end October which is not known for fast communications) and now feel under pressure to sort that out too. Thought maybe I can work on a strategy in the clinic in one of my "free" times. All I want is enough money for a train pass but they seem to insist you have some kind of pay for being out of work, which I don't think I deserve because I am an Ausländerin (foreigner).

This all starts when I get back from "holiday" (another story).

So, I also have developed what I would like to call mild Swine Flu. Well, I suppose it's just a cold really.¨

Enough woffle, really must learn to keep shorter posts.

Decisions - to work or not to work

My dilemma is this:

I am now "unemployed" from my two summer jobs.

I have, in the last 3 days, found some work via a friend paid on an as needed basis as I am "as needed" according to the weather and volume of tourists.

I have an appointment at the Tagesklinik (outpatient day clinic) on Monday with the expectation that following I attend for two full weeks then on a planned basis.

I have not much money at all, so should really be working, plus I enjoy the job, but it is unstructured which is not good for me.

I need this money to attend the day clinic (travel, materials etc.) as I don't think my insurance will cover it.

I might have work now, but none in November

My health overrides anything else - the clinic is to help me with this.

So at the moment I am mulling all these thoughts. Can't decide : Work vs Klinik

Good day, good night

I have had quite a productive day and am giving myself a pat on the back for effort. The cat is asleep on the sofa next to me (he seems to worry if I haven't gone to bed at the normal time!) and I am multitasking (watching The Island on ITV2+1, seen it at cinema) as well as surfing the net for jobs and people out there.

So I tackled those stupid little jobs that have to be done before you move house, such as emptying random drawer of crap and keeping what needs to be kept, not the junk that has accumulated. J laughs when I do this, he says I just move it to another room - I suppose he is right in a way but at some point there is the last room in the apartment so I will have to tackle it at some point. I have moved house approx. 34 times in my 34 years so am used to it, but find it unsettling too. J is excited about our new apartment, he sees it as a fresh start, a turning point in our relationship as the other apartments we have lived in haven't felt like "home". I'm not mega excited, well I am pleased to be moving and have a new "project" but am already on an efficient moving home drive and getting obsessive about it.

Cat now lying on his back with all four paws in the air - he looks so cute when he sleeps like that. I wish I was a cat, I could certainly sleep enough to have been one in a former life.

I haven't needed my "emergency meds" today - I thought I would about 4 hours ago but I persevered and have got through it, am too tired to think about more than one thing right now, so as I am typing I am distracting myself from the many many churning thoughts.

Wow, I typed that without the churning thoughts breaking through even though I was writing about the churning thoughts. Surreal moment.

I started making a "Happy Book" today, J had a quick look and liked it. Basically, all my hopes, dreams and (happy) real life moments are put in there - like pictures of houses I would like to live in, someone with a flat stomach (thats a dream not a reality), piles of cash, pictures of cats, quotes that cheer me up, song lyrics etc. I got the idea when I was thinking about what I could put in an "Emergency Box" and looked on one of my nutter websites. Some people listed all sorts of things and I have had a burst of creativity. My Psych suggested this a while back as well as some other tasks I have written down and can finish tomorrow (now the printer ink cartridge has arrived) and it gives me another thing to focus on.

Ran out of one of my meds so had to run to the chemist this afternoon and beg my lovely chemist lady to order some more without prescription. Apparently this is kind of normal in Switzerland, but she is very supportive anyway, always asking me how I am and letting me practise my language skills. Today she realised I must have been in a tiz cos I spoke english immediately. She will phone me tomorrow when they arrive (around 10 a.m.). I really need to get organised with them (how many times do I say that?). Anyway, as I ran to the chemist I realised I had short sleeves so the mess I made on my arm last week would be on show to everyone. Shit. Had to come up with an excuse in case anyone asked so I came up with that i had burnt my arm. Crap excuse I know but enough of one to distract whoever was asking.

Can't stop picking at it though.

I hope positive mood lasts. It has to, will be locked up otherwise.

Something for the weekend

Had my Psych appointment yesterday and had to go through the whole embarassment and guilt of last weekend. Got some temporary meds for weekend and now lots of thinking time as I finished work today. J not happy at all, he is not into drugs or doctors. Anyhow, we talked a bit more after my appointment.

I think my Psychiatrist is really busy at the moment, he seems a bit stressed, or maybe he is sick of the sight of me and my whinging. Wouldn't blame him if he was - I'm sick of myself.

So I am allowing myself tomorrow to mooch about and do housework then spend some time with J. From Monday I will have a plan in place so that I stick with some routine.

That's the plan, will report back on the reality.

Am I being oversensitive?

OK, OK, so I have felt better today until the afternoon and an email from my brother via facebook. Then I went through anger, tears, resignation that I am crap etc, etc. It all stems from a fb page I did as a laugh for my best mate who was screwed over by her boyfriend big time. He also stole some inheritance money of mine which I had lent to my bezzie mate for mortgage arrears. Apparently, well...read for yourself:

If this guy is as much of a dick as he appears to be then I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of thinking that you give a toss about him enough to even think about him.

If he's taken money then small-claims court him and be done with it, he'll have a CCJ then. If he hasn't then aren't you in danger of harrassment here? If people looking at your [work] stuff also see that there is an [me] waging a hate campaign on someone very publicly online then I'm not sure that sends out a good message.

Patronising c word is all I can come up with. My brother is 3 years younger than me by the way. I mean, yeah I know I'm mad but he could be a bit more sympathetic towards me, or is that me being selfish or something. Sent him a snotty email back:

Thanks for that. At least my Psychiatrist will get his moneys worth tomorrow. It's not a "hate campaign" and why is it OK for some people to say horrible personal stuff about me yet I am not allowed to protect my best mate by telling the truth. If he wants to sue me he can try, we'll be quits then. But maybe you are happy with him pissing Nanna's hard earned savings up the wall. And yes I know I am being oversensitive, I have ATYPICAL DEPRESSION, Wiki it.

Me
(Not sent in anger, sent in I'm tired of suffering this horrendous illness and just about functioning but at least J looks out for me and have supportive friends on fb)

Just to explain, my older brother sent me a horrible, horrible email at a very emotional time calling me horrible, horrible names and accusing me of things I haven't done or relate to the person that I really am. Added to matters which finally got me sent to a psych clinic. He said he had sent it in anger. He said he had held a gun to his head and hadnt thought of me. Since then everyone has been on his side totaly and he seems to be allowed to say anything about me and accuse me of things that piss him off. None of us except my younger brother were told about the gun thing. Now I am more open about my depression (everywhere except where I live and the immediate people around me). But not one member of my family flew over to see me in the clinic (I was there 7 weeks). Not one sent me a card or letter or anything of support except my godmum. My sister phoned once but most communication came from me outwards. My boyfriend was and still is shocked by this and (poor thing) he had all the stress and weight of this with no support from my family. Just me, him and our GP.

I have calmed down now but am still very sad. What pisses me off is there is always someone criticising how I react or how I feel towards something that I no longer trust my own feelings or who I am.

I am actually really looking forward to my Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I really need it.

It continues...

So now I am in the long sleeves to hide the self inflicted scratches on my arm and am mortified, embarassed at myself. Thank goodness the weather has turned cold so I have an excuse to be in jumpers.

The reality of Saturday has crept in. It has not been talked about between him and me, it's hanging over me like the sword of Damacles. Found out today that not only was he in the festival tent until about 9.30 latest (so 3 and a half hours after I left, SMS's etc) but then went to the local nightclub for half an hour. Walked one of my friends round the corner to home.

I am raging - if you are thinking that I think he's been with my friend that's not it at all, she is in lust with someone else and I trust J completely. It's the total lack of support which he said I need to tell him when I am ill. Next time I will remember to shout it across the tent.

I must be such an embarassment to him. I am embarassed about myself. I am still crying three days later (and am at work right now), I can't breathe and can't even take a Rivotril to calm me down because I took them all on Saturday night. (I have checked and I can get hold of one more bottle). I feel so alone.

How can I feel so sorry for myself when I no longer have a self to feel sorry for?

How much rivotril?

Bad night because:

Trade event in village. Was going to go but chickened out at last minute, found boyfriend at the bar, told him wasnt staying, he didnt notice my red eyes I suppose but he usually spots that there is something up if I don't want to stay. All the girles had been there already for hours and I didnt feel comfortable with the alcohol or listening to crap nonsense chat that drunk people do. Went home, cried a lot. Tried distraction techniqes, even wasabi didnt work, reading reminded me of ex, so did crossword.

Friend had already phoned not long after I had got home and made me promise I would go and find her at this trade fair. I lied and said I would - she was clearly drunk already. I had no intention of going and sent my boyfriend an SMS to tell him so, that I felt fat and stupid, everyone was drinking and that could he tell everyone to leave me the hell aloneas I was feeling bad enough as it was and didnt want to ruin everyone's fun. "Ok" was his text back.

Two hours later when I am feeling really anxious cos J hadnt called or anything. He told me to always let him know if I didn't feel right which I thought I had with a)the fact that I went home straight away and b) the SMS i sent saying how crap I felt. He told me earlier he was working and probably wouldn't be out long anyway because he was bored already (this was before I left work). Watched House MD as distraction, Hugh Laurie reminded me of ex boyfriend. Tried sleeping, couldnt sleep. Played with cat. NOTHING WORKING. Only one thing for it.

Clearly J wouldnt be back until he was pissed, so as I am not missed, take penknife (which must sharpen as does fuck all), remaining Rivotril and keys to the town ( I work a lot of places). Wanted space to think. Two hours later when people kept phoning me and me diverting call to anserphone, sent J an SMS teling him to leave me alone. He came back to pool really angry (he had already searched tere for me), so felt even more crappy. Clearly the SMS from earlier telling him how shit and fat I felt didnt have an impact, despite him telling me to let him know.

Didnt know what to do, couldt calm down so started rivotril, only 12 in bottle I think. J would not take me to doctors when he found me so I guess no harm done. Walked like a drunkard (even today) but slept well.

Another crazy week but slightly better

Plans, plans, plans. I never seem to get round to actioning them anymore. For example, I have s fitness goal, a monetary goal and three health goals. I plan out a week to include working towards these. So what happens - I just don't do them.

I don't know whether it is because I don't care (because it is all meaningless) or because of years of pushing myself and achieving a lot has caught up with me that I no longer have the energy or drive. If someone were to ask me what would "make" me happy (nothing except for some sort of positive relationship with my ex, but his actions show he's not interested so I will have to keep crying about that one) I would list all the above goals I have for myself. (Of course, nothing can "make" you happy, only encourage you).

It's like I don't know who I am anymore. I did until seven years ago when everything fell apart although the positive thing is that I finally convinces a doctor that I wasn't right in the head and started getting (wrong) treatment for depression.

But at least I haven't wanted to slash my wrists this week! Although I did my usual last Wednesday and got drunk until I dropped. Suffered until yesterday, my boyfriend saying good because it might put me off next time. I said that the only thing that will stop me is to not go out. No-one here just wants to do anything without alcohol being involved.

Monday Morning Blues, Tuesday Teatime Tears

Ok, Ok, baaaaad weekend. Not only did I struggle to get home on Friday in one piece (collapsed on the kitchen floor in tears much to my cat's confusion), the same again Saturday, both times boyfriend not available as there was a big mountain race (well, marathon) and he had to work. He found me Saturday night very happily drugged up on the sofa until he woke me up, I realised I was meant to be working at the cinema and he went off really, really cross with me (I think, couldn't take much in). It has not been spoken of since.

Sunday morning when I finally got out of bed (as far as on top of the duvet rather than under it) he brought me a cup of tea, asked me how I was and then it hit me, SHIT, THE WORLD STILL EXISTS. Which set me off in tears again. Couldn't even talk. Moved to sofa to cry instead. J jumping around not knowing what to do. Am sure he is getting fed up of me - he must be, I'm sick of me.

Anyway, he dragged me for a walk in the afternoon (me dragging my heels, hat down as low as possible, big sunglasses and large ski jacket despite the sunny day - the theory is, if i can't see them, they can't see me, bloody hot though). I suppose it made me feel better but I didn't feel a marked improvement, would rather have stayed in bed asleep except I couldn't damn well sleep without taking more drugs.

So back to the Friday night. I had planned after a suggestion from my Pschiatrist to have an emergency "kit" for these situations. Wasabi (wierd but works) - check. Didn't work. Tried more, made me retch (which I was already doing because I was crying and hyperventilating). Tried distraction. Washing up? No chance, couldn't get rid of those thoughts going round and round my head and the fact I was trying to make myself concentrate on what I was doing just exacerbated the fact that I was doing that task to distract me from the thoughts going round and round my head. Stopped when I felt dizzy (plus the washing up had not been washed up well enough). Move to bed. Lie there sobbing into duvet. Cat concerned. Cursed my ex-life and my ex for getting into my head all the time even though he doesn't know it.

And I just don't know why. And I can't talk to anyone about it. And he won't let me talk to him about it and won't even indulge me with some kind of acknowledgement if I do try to talk to him about it. So I am going more crazy with thoughts of who he might be now (if its a young, blond haired lawyer who acts like she's 12 years old then I will be even worse - there is no way I could cope with that as I will constantly compare myself and even though I know I am way better I will still criticise myself) even though that is unfair, but I realise that I am crap and can't wait for him forever however much I want to (I will end up looking like the complete twat while he is laughing at me in the wings) and so try to let life go on.

Not much better today. I should feel better because most of my days at work are filled with friends coming in to see me, but I end up feeling annoyed and aggressive and trying to hide it and then running home and hiding because I can't cope with socialising.

Crap. I think I really am mad. so if the drugs I am on at the moment have stopped working, what's left for me? (No-one even dare talk about having my head fried - I absolutely draw the line at that.)

Bad bad days

Yep, it's negative old me again. Wish this rain would stop, doesnt really help.

A few ups and downs this weeks, and the downs have been really really downs. I feel like everyone around me are the crazy ones and I have to check myself to see if I am still real. Today was a classic and an experience I havent had for a while. It goes like this:

Already wound up this week about being pushed out of a get-together, I think i have genuine reason but as its me it gets blown out of all proportion, hence the self doubts come in, guilt, hating self, noone like me etc, etc. Then this evening went into local bar (no alcohol-well done me), sitting there chilling and looked around at the people around me and felt.......nothing.....like it isn't my world. Then started to feel anxious and wanted to just be in a quiet place and alone, so went home. Just about got home before started crying, tried to distract myself by doing the washing up but that is really hard to do when I can hardly breathe as I am hyperventilating plus can't see because of the tears. Collapsed on the kitchen floor for a while as the cat looked on concerned (or maybe hunger). Got it together just about, am meant to phone someone when I am like this but didnt want to make a fuss when I am pronbably overreacting to something, although I dont know what that something is (although a broken heart is still the most likeliest cause).

Went to bedroom to grab tranqs, ended up pulling at hair and desperately trying to calm self down. Took a massive dose of Seroquel so that I wouldnt have the roundabout thoughts in my head and hopefully my brain would feel as shut off from the world as the rest of me.

Anyway, eventually calmed myself down, pissed off that my "coping strategies" didnt realy work and I really really really tried to get myself under control, so now feel even more shit about myself.

What happened to my sunshine life by the sea and surrounded by lovely people? Those lovely people no longer want to know me, the people who I thought were lovely people currently around me have not been very lovely despite my efforts and my family are strangers to me and I can't deal with them anyway. So where do I go from here? I just feel so tired and lost without my "One". Which is a bad situation. Why do things have to turn out this way? Why do I forever fuck things up with this fuzzled brain, why does everyone dismiss me rather than listen to my motivation or reasons for doing something? Am I a doormat? I know I am strong inside but I just dont trust who I am anymore, I dont know who I am anymore and there has only been one person in my life who knows me inside out that could tell me who I was and could be now, but doesnt want to know me.

So my conclusion after all this is that I have no place in this world. I will be invisible. No-ones heart would be torn apart if I left. If I thought it would be, I would stay and work this out.

So, how are you feeling?

OK, so I had my psych appointment on Friday and I actually felt really good for a change. I was confident I could tackle my debts (ooo00 paid loads through internet banking straight out of my pay!!) although hadn't realised quite how far behind I was with my Psych bills - oh well, all paid now. Felt a lot hungover but I think I avoided mentioning it quite well and the Powerade hangover cure worked. Then I went out the Friday night as well although it was my friend who was absolutely hammered and not me.

I cant seem to stop the drinking - I know I really shouldn't because of the meds but I don't seem to give a damn right now and am walking a thin line. I promised myself september 1st to give up - we'll see tomorrow.

Friends

Ok, I admit I find it hard to trust people and to make friends, but I feel very sad today that I have lost some friends whom I have made effort to keep in touch with. One is not a friend but seems to have crept into my place as a best friend of someone important to me. He never speaks to me now and I don't know what to say that will bring him back to me. This makes me cry a lot at the moment.

One "friend" from last year seemed to ask a lot of personal questions of my (kind of) nephew about my relationship and then proceeded to ask if my boyfriend was up for an affair.

But I think I have made a good friend this summer. She doesn't "know" of course, I still don't tell people about me after the last time, but she is fun to spend time with. She is also absolutely no "threat" to me (when I get this in a low state) and we spend most of the time plotting how to get the man she is in lust with.

I'm probably not the best person to ask because even five years later I cry most days about losing the love of my life. Thats when I can't forgive myself, for handling things badly and not getting treatment many many years earlier. These are the thoughts which run through my head when I am in a bad place that no tablets or penknife or hair pulling can take away. Today is one of those days and I am very, very sad. My heart hurts.

Will this ever stop?

Ok, Ok, been feeling really tearful the last couple of days. One, because I have had a friend here to stay who has done eff all, no washing up, cleaning, nothing, not even stripping her bed before she left. Grrr. Two, went to the Schuldensberatung today (debt advice). He was really helpful and basically said I am earning under the minimum wage for Switz and that I am over qualified for the jobs I am doing, that I should be looking for full time year round. Yeah right. Loads of those jobs here right now.

I decided on the train on the way back that I really don't like myself and don't belong anywhere. I don't feel like I fit in-is this normal? It's all well and good for friends to say, "oh me too" but I mean the real feeling of being absolutely totally alone and on ones own. Nothing seems real around me. I have no idea who I am anymore and everything I struggle to achieve just goes to pot - FACT, no matter what spin people try to put on it. In two minds what to do.

Drinking again

Really shouldn't. Really really shouldn't. I drink far too much in one go, end up making a complete tit of myself and feel like crap the next day. Plus it's not strictly recommended on the meds I am on (Venlafaxine 300mg, Wellbutrin 300mg, seroquel up to 100mg, latriwahtever no idea how many milligrams as changes each week).

So the new meds (Latriwhatever) are building up slowly in my system and last week I had the headache from hell. Can't decide whether its from the new meds or from sitting in the sun for 2 days in my lifeguard job. Anyone?

So this week have sat in the shade, slapped on more factor 50 and no headache as yet. Actually, that's not true - just remembered I did have a headache yesterday afternoon and thought it was a thunder storm coming in (a headache is my early warning system for storms - maybe its cos I live at altitude). Well, whatever.

My medical insurer has kicked me out of their membership because I am behind on my premium payments. So I have one more week to come up with an alternative plan and there is no guarantee that the new insurer will give me a low premium. either way I am stuffed.

Why can't I move on?

Because he's The One.

Because we had some very good times together

Because I don't believe he has had a better time since and is being stubborn to admit it.

Because I still love him and think of him every day.

Because I don't care about his faults and guilt.

Because I am back to being the "me" he knew and loved.

Because we are meant to be together.

Because we both messed up, me as well as him, and I don't care - forget it and we can get over it.

Because tough times are part of real life and we were too young and didn't understand relationships.

Because I can't.

I think my cat is as mad as me

I've started writing quite a lot recently - stories, experiences, diaries - anything really. I'm obsessed. Maybe it's my own therapy, I don't know, but it's the only thing keeping me from thinking about my past and love lost. I can't function properly. My skin is really bad at the moment and I am getting lots of spots on my chin, I've been eating loads and just can't stop, so my body is not at the top of my list of favourite things, usually I am not that bothered and relatively happy with what I look like.

My cat is chasing round the apartment at the moment, leaping about the walls and running up and down the corridor - I wanna do that! I want to scream and rage and leap and punch and scratch and bang my head against the wall to stop these thoughts forever. I'm tired tired tired of it, no-one will ever truly want me because of this horrible illness - who wants to put up with that. I always knew I would be better on my own, but my life experiences have made me so untrusting and insecure in myself, I need the security of some kind of love to stop me from harming myself. The difference is that my current boyfriend is a pretty good listener and the first one i have told about my self harm. The others before (even "the One") didn't know in the 5.5 years we were together or the 6 months after we split although the harm came out in other ways (drinking to unconsciousness and allowing myself to be "used" for sex promiscuously, but this can wait for another time).

Sometimes I am so tired of this life and I don't kow what to do.

Moods

Why can't I bloody shift it? Keep crying, want to block my mind, even trying to distract myself isn't working because I can still think and can't concentrate on the task at hand. Am useless.

So how's the treatment going?

Well, so far there have been "no noticeable" side effects of the lamactil or whatever it's called (interesting raspberry flavour though, not nice when you've just brushed your teeth before bed) but seeing as I have been caking on the factor 50 I haven't had any sun reactive rashes (so far....).

Had a psychiatric appointment last Friday. Wasn't really in the mood for talking (plus I was tired from my boyfriend dragging me up the mountain the day before and have the prospect of working the next 8 days in a row) and had been feeling a bit tearful and depressed about how beautiful the world is around me sometimes. Wish I was in the UK living again on the islands off Cornwall, but I don't think that's going to happen or be right for me - it will just be running away again.

But I like running away.

So listening to my iPod on the way to the appointment and on the way back the songs were getting more and more towards the Radiohead end of things. My boyfriend noticed when I got home that I was not "right" and waited until the initial tiredness of sorting my brain out after my psych appointment before asking me how I was. the thing is, I am finding it more and more difficult to express how I feel and am sick of the sound of my own voice. Just want the world to go away. Anyway, J gave me a long hug and let me cry on his shoulder, then made me a cup of tea. this last bit is significant - he hates making cups of tea.

My experience of a Swiss Psychiatric Clinic 5

Morgenrunde was just an excuse to get us out of bed. In Ost 1 this was to allocate tasks to us for the day and to remind us of appointments. Here it was different. 15 of us in a circle in the “living room”. The gong would sound (one of those brass bowls rested on a patchwork cushion) and an exercise would be read out by whichever nurse was dedicated to that day (usually the trainees). Luckily the card they read from was in Hochdeutsch so I was able to understand a little more.

I think it was meant to be for relaxation before the day began proper, but as I didn’t like the groups I found it difficult. Plus I was always translating in my head, picking out the words that I knew and following the exercise, occasionally peeping under my eyelids to check what everyone else was doing. It didn’t relax me! I had to concentrate on understanding the German and if there was a word used repetitively that I didn’t know I would peep through my eyelids to see that everyone else was doing – also, I didn’t like having my eyes shut in a group of people. Anyhow, it was compulsory to attend and I would have paid anyone to get out of it – half an hour extra sleep would have relaxed me more.

My favourite one was the “in and out” breath. We had to imagine our breath was a colour and focus on the action. Mine never changed from black. Breathe out the badness from within; breathe in a grey air that was bringing more badness into me.

Of course, I always ended up next to Mr Letch or Danny de Vito so couldn’t relax anyway in case one of them brushed my thigh. Plus some exercises were plain ridiculous (standing and doing something like the hokey cokey in the guise of energising) and just didn’t do anything for me. Either way I usually ended up more tense than before . It was hard not to drift back to bed afterwards; I’d traumatised myself that much.

I did try, at the beginning. It just wasn’t something I found helpful to me in a larger group. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. And on Thursdays we had double dose! Morgenrunde plus in the afternoon a station meeting, all compulsory. Each morning after the relaxation exercise the patients of the station met for 15 minutes as a group, led by one of the nurses. In Ost 2, this was to volunteer for housekeeping jobs each day (keeping the kitchen tidy, taking the compost out, collecting the meal wagon for example) and to run through who had appointments that day or to book in appointments with the doctor. In Des Alpes 3 each Thursday afternoon we had the real “housekeeping” meeting, again to allocate washing up tasks and so on, to welcome new people and confirm who was leaving. Another reminder that I was stuck here for another week. I could see some benefit to all meeting together – at least I knew who was on our floor and so we were a loose “team” ready to help each other out, but I wasn’t into the crowd thing. Morgenrunde was an unnecessary interruption to my morning, I wasn’t keen to be surrounded by people until at least 10 a.m. No, I much preferred my solitude in the mornings but was well aware I was being watched all the time.

The station occupied the fourth floor of an old hotel and its layout was fairly similar. Perhaps ten en-suite twin and single rooms branched to the left and right of the corridor. At the centre of the corridor facing the front of the building was the “common room” with sofas, an up to the minute TV & DVD player, stereo, books, games and a long dining table (not used for dining). Complete with laminate wood flooring it was cosy but modern. A small balcony jutted out and was a smoking area.

We had a small kitchen complete with microwave oven, hob, fridge freezer (and knives!) but mostly on my part to make decaffeinated or vanilla tea although I didn’t object if anyone tried their hand at cake making. When someone was allowed to leave after their “term”, leaving chocolates for the remaining was expected. Then the curiosity followed as to who would arrive next and I would hope it wouldn’t be some weirdo – I am very untrusting of strangers as when I have trusted them it has flown back in my face. Keep myself to myself and be pleasant was enough for me.

Further along the front facing part of the corridor was a washroom and the nurses’ station with ante-room for meetings. Opposite was a smoking room (no EU ban for Switzerland although I have heard some UK psychiatric wards still have smoking areas – not sure if that is true) and more bedrooms. My room was opposite the common room and seemed to be large compared to some of the other rooms. The bathroom was certainly six times the size of my bathroom at home. I say bathroom, but in fact there was no bath. I guess in terms of not enough space or maybe they didn’t want us topping ourselves. I didn’t mind – we could request a bath housed in a separate room and nurses would prepare scented oils which were very potent but relaxing. Not quite a luxury health spa though! 20 minutes was recommended for a bath after which I guess you could become intoxicated on the wierd and wonderful bath mix that had been made up for you.

Sleep at last!

Slightly amused as have just watched an episode of House where a patient hasn't slept for 10 days and they try to find out why. Luckily, I am now sleeping much better - not sure if it's because of my conversation with Psychiatrist or because am trying to stick to a routine or a combination of both. Got my dose of Seroquel to the right level now and also have a new medication to trial - Lamictal - on top of my others. My depression is having mini cycles so this is to try and stabilise my mood. If it works then my Psych will overhaul all my meds so that I don't have so many to deal with. Boyfriend not happy about it - says that every med I am given is said to do this or that and it doesnt seem to work because I then get another one. He's not a medication kind of guy, more of a grin and bear it (or grin and whinge about it to everyone more likely). Of course, there are always side effects - one being that I may find I tan/burn more easily in the sun (yeah, gonna look sunshimmered as I tend to tan), the other being that I might be overly sensitive to the sun and get skin rashes, the most serious one being blisters for which I have to stop straight away and get a jab from the doctor to counteract it. Oh joy. I work at the open air swimming pool two days a week so instead of enjoying the free tantopup (yes, i know I know, wrinkles etc.) I now have to slather on the Factor 50, wear a hat and sit under the brolly. Grrr. Kind of tried half and half yesterday because sunlight is good for depression - right?

Feeling better than I did a week ago except for being anxious and obsessive about stupid stuff but I can deal with that at the moment. I had an appointment to talk about going to a "feelings regulation" group, in German but I think I did OK because she thought it would be a good idea for me to attend. Really want to go but looking at my schedule for work I think I am going to have to join the October module, when I have a gap between summer and winter season.

Better start tackling the bills. This may change my mood somewhat.