Well not much has been happening in the world of me.
I broke down in the Apotheke (chemist) the other day because I discovered that my health insurer didn't pay any of the bills for my medication last year and my original health insurer (whom I am now back with) will not pay for any further medical treatment until I have paid the arrears (which at 200chf a month will take 15 months). So I am screwed and back to the same position I was in two years ago. I have no money to pay the arrears and no money to pay the 2000chf or so of medical treatment I have had since they refused to pay. So I have not been able to make another Psych appointment. Luckily my lovely chemist (she is the owner) will continue to give me medication as she says I must not take a break from it. And she told me not to cry, it would be OK and she would speak to my social worker. I have an appointment with social worker next week.
I am still waiting for my unemployment money (been waiting since April) and probably won't get any more from them as I have not met my targets last month or this month of applying for 10 jobs a month. Partly my fault because I have given up and partly that there are no jobs to apply for. I trawl the internet and the local paper but still nothing I can apply for. I need French apparently.
I have been a bit tearful the last couple of weeks and isolating myself. I have been hurt and offended by someone who has defriended me on Facebook for the second time - I don't know what I have done wrong. Ex boyfriend goes from phoning me 4 times a day to no contact whatsoever. He says he is in a "bad place" at the moment. But he won't accept any help and doesnt believe in meds or psychotherapy. He also told a friends ex boyfriend that we had split up because I didnt want a job. Seeing as we split up in February and my unsuccessful job hunting started in April this just doesn't make sense. I know I should discuss it with him but can't bring myself to do it as I just keep crying about it and he will get all defensive/deny it etc etc and I just don't have the energy to argue.
So feeling lonely and isolated - I have no connection with the people around me, no possibility of moving to the UK until the debts are paid and no wish to remain here at all.
Saturday, 27 August 2011
Monday, 8 August 2011
Support
Suddenly pissed off that psychiatrist hasnt phoned me after my email. I know he has been on holiday and has hundreds of emails to catch up on but....cmon...
Sunday, 7 August 2011
I'm Back
Wow, didn't realise how long it was since I last posted.
OK, so last week I went to the UK for a week. Before this, a couple of things happened here to really upset me.
First, I found that all the Norway stuff, NOTW and Amy Winehouses death REALLY touched me. I was getting all ranty about right and wrong, crying and feeling generally shit about life and the world we live in. This culminated in an arguement with my exes sister in a bar about how wrong she was when she spouted that Amy Winehouse brought it all on herself as she had all the support she needed and didn't do anything about her addictions. I argued that addictions are complicated and she was compelled to keep her drugs and alcohol lifestyle because of her addicitions which she couldn't really help at that stage (bear in mind my exes sister went out with a serious drug addict). Anyway, i stormed out the bar in a rage and came home and cried and cried. She had also said that people "like that" can help themselves where as people with cancer can't etc. etc. So I went home and sent a ranty email to my psychiatrist, as follows:
OK, so last week I went to the UK for a week. Before this, a couple of things happened here to really upset me.
First, I found that all the Norway stuff, NOTW and Amy Winehouses death REALLY touched me. I was getting all ranty about right and wrong, crying and feeling generally shit about life and the world we live in. This culminated in an arguement with my exes sister in a bar about how wrong she was when she spouted that Amy Winehouse brought it all on herself as she had all the support she needed and didn't do anything about her addictions. I argued that addictions are complicated and she was compelled to keep her drugs and alcohol lifestyle because of her addicitions which she couldn't really help at that stage (bear in mind my exes sister went out with a serious drug addict). Anyway, i stormed out the bar in a rage and came home and cried and cried. She had also said that people "like that" can help themselves where as people with cancer can't etc. etc. So I went home and sent a ranty email to my psychiatrist, as follows:
Hello,
OK, BILLS – the situation is this. I am now with the Sozialdienst – Herr A, so anything he needs to know, you can tell him. He has been really helpful and I had 2 appointments with him last week. I am back with Avanex – they paid my hospital bill for March but anything 1st Jan – 30th June they will not pay until the arrears are cleared (hence I am back to the same situation as 2 years ago). Herr A is trying to get agreement that they will pay the bills. However, if they won’t pay them, I can offer 100chf a month to clear the arrears of medical bills (i.e. yours). Could you plese let AKCM know this so they don’t register with the Betreibungsamt. I will also need Einzahlungscheins to repay.
Me - was good, now not so good. I have been generally OK but over the last two weeks fighting dropping lower and lower. There is so much happening in the world outside Wengen that I can’t understand and frightens me and is making me anxious and upset (Norway, Phone Hacking, Amy Winehouse’s death). In fact, I have just left RBar after an argument about Amy Winehouse which upset me as apparently she had lots of help and is still dead therefore it is her fault, it’s not like she had cancer anyway. And this comes from J’s sister who went out with e drug addict from L for many years (M in case you don’t already know him). Walked home crying – why don’t people get it that addiction for some people is a real problem no matter how much help they get? I feel so worthless and pathetic that I only have depression and should just “get over it”. Maybe I should, but these last few days I have felt so low without explanation and I just can’t get it across to people. And yet, for the week before I was on top of the world and reading self help books and making plans.
My schoolfriend wants me in England this weekend for her mother’s birthday. Her mother is like a second mother for me (ex-nurse too) so she has paid for me to go. Maybe it will do me some good to get off the mountain for a while.
I thought I was doing so well – OK, no job ( I didn’t get that job last month and a couple of others I really thought I was in with a chance of rejected me) – all I am doing is dog-walking for a friend of mine who has returned to college but that’s only as a friend to get me out of the house and to be doing something rather than nothing. I see Dr A on 4th August when I come back from the UK.
I know I am rambling about nothing, but I don’t want to book another appointment until I have paid your bills. But I am just so upset at the moment. I am still not sleeping (unless I take Seroquel) which is not helping but I really feel lost and lonely and stupid and useless. And I have lots of questions for you – I have been reading too many books about how Psychiatrists are all influenced by Big Pharma and that the brain chemical theory is all a myth so I feel even more stupid and useless because I feel the antidepressants do help me in some way, but maybe it is all in my head because you are conning me (according to them). I don’t know what to believe anymore, all I know is I don’t feel right. And I don’t understand it because I felt good for a while – full of plans and ideas and a way forward. But today I don’t. And speaking to people they just make me feel worse because apparently I am in control of getting help and therefore have no right to feel the way I do. After all, it’s not like I’ve got cancer, is it?
Sorry to take up your time, I am writing this when I am feeling quite low and confused.
Me
Actually, this is the first time I have rad it back and maybe it doesn't seem so bad that I emailed him as it was a definate cringe factor for me that I had sent it. Anyway, luckily he was out of the office until 4th August. However, when I was on the train to the airport one of his colleagues phoned me but I couldn't really speak as I was on a train full of people and didn't want to discuss my mental state of mind so I just said I was "fine" (?!).
I'd also had a rant on facebook which my exes sister saw because she "liked" one of my comments. I take that as her way of apology. she has been super nice to me since I came back from the UK.
So when I was away I demanded that my ex stay at my place to look after our cat (my cat now). Which he did. I filled the fridge full of food as it was a bank holiday and he was working stupid hours for the August 1st celebrations. When I came back last Wednesday, the studio was in a TIP - dirty, messy, his stuff everwhere and NO FOOD. I'd been up since 5 a.m., got back at 4pm and was not best pleased. To be fair, when he saw me (I went straight to the bar after shopping) he did apologise about the mess but I was soooooo cross I couldn't even speak to him. He came round to my flat many hours later to "pick up his stuff" even though I had told him not to and he ended up staying the night. I think he was wanting a bit of sex (as to complicate the matter he is now my fuck buddy) but he didn't get any as I am on. Anyway, two days later he came round again during the day for a "shower" and I am sure sex but I lied and said I still had my period as I just couldn't be bothered. And then he wants me to sort out HIS health insurance, tax, debt in the UK etc. I just keep saying yeah I'll do it and keep leaving it. WHY do I keep enabling him?
So the UK - it was FANTASTIC! I went to see my schoolfriend whom I have known for over 20 years (god I sound old). She paid for my flights so I could be there for her mum's 70th birthday which was a lovely day. Her mum is like a second mum to me and it was great to see her and feel loved and cared for. Anyway, E (my friend) took me out to see her social life and I met some of her new friends who are lovely. They made me feel so welcome. I didn't go out every time she did because I was knackered from the Seroquel, but I slept better, ate better and felt better for the week there. In fact, her friends were begging me to stay and not go home by the end of the week. For the first time in ages I felt included and wanted and loved. I can't leave this bloody country until all this health insurance thing is sorted out. Even though I think I can return to the UK and get a decent job with more money to pay the debt back quicker, I don't think I am allowed to leave the country permanently with a debt.
So now I am back home. And I have dropped into a hole again. I missed my doctors appointment on the 4th as I was asleep so have rescheduled. But I feel lonely and very sad and dwelling on stuff. I am usually back on Twitter, facebook and blogging but I just haven't felt like it. I've been drinking a lot too, which doesn't help. I am content with life here but it's not enough. And then I think, if I go back to the UK, is it just another distraction, major life changing thing that I tend to do when life gets too much which doesn't actually solve anything?
Confused.
Monday, 18 July 2011
Health Insurance (again)
So I have come full circle. The problem started with my health insurance 2 years ago when I fell behind with the premiums. So I changed insurers as Insurer 1 stopped paying my medical bills until I had caught up with the arrears. Insurer 2 were happy to pay my medical bills so I continued to pay the new insurer and get my medical bills paid. I thought I had "resigned" the contract with insurer 1. But no, I was not allowed to change insurers with arrears outstanding and they would not accept a payment plan from me although I offered this on at least 3 occasions. Insurer 1 should have informed insurer 2 that I could not proceed with a contract with them, but they didn't.
Insurer 2 then said because I had signed a contract with them also, that I had to pay them as well. So in effect, I would have t pay 2 health insurers which there was no way I could afford. Insurer 1 kept billing me. I kept telling them that I was no longer insured with them, so to stop billing me. I saw the social services, but he misadvised me, so all the while insurer 1 kept registering my non payment as a debt. I then had the government debt people chasing me for money which I didn't believe I owed and couldn't afford anyway.
Finally this year my psychiatrist referred me to the social worker based in the psychiatric department (no doubt he wanted paying too!) and she started getting involved. Basically insurers 1 &2 were acting against the law.
Following so far?
Another three months down the line, insurer 2 started issuing refunds to me, although I had specifically said to pay back to insurer 1. Of course, they weren't going to do this as that would show liability. In the meantime I was referred to the normal social services department as my social worker had done all she could within her remit.
Hence I have now received another letter from insurer 1 repeating what I was told 2 years ago. "We will not pay your medical bills untill all arrears have been paid".
In effect, this means I can no longer afford medication, I cannot afford to go to my GP, I cannot afford to go to my psychiatrist. Normally after I have visitedeither of these /collected medication, I am billed. This gets sent to the insurer, who then refunds me the total bill less 10%. I can then pay the bill with a small contribution from myself so that it is paid in full. I can negotiate part payment, but still have to pay my insurance premiums, so it is one or the other.
Basically, I'm screwed. After half an hour of crying this afternoon I put my energies into sorting out exactly which bills were still outstanding. I have an appointment with social services in the morning and they know that they have to deal with the insurance companies on my behalf as I am not mentally capable any more of communicating with them - it's too much and I don't always know the words to converse in German.
I am also waiting for my unemployment benefit (3 months now) so I phoned them today. They told me they still need more paperwork. Would have been nice if they had written to me to let me know what was missing, so I photocopied every job related bit of paper from the last two years and sent it to them with a covering note to say if there was anything further missing all they have to do is look up my file from last October from when I last signed on and it will all be there. Of course, being Swiss that probably won't be good enough and I will have to do the rounds of all my employers in the last 2 years to get copies of paperwork which the unemployment office ALREADY HAS!
Frustrated? YES. Upset? YES. Skint? YES (i have about five pounds to my name right now).
I know the meeting with social services will be awful tomorrow because I will get hysterical and cry because I can't take the pressure any more. It's all too much.
Insurer 2 then said because I had signed a contract with them also, that I had to pay them as well. So in effect, I would have t pay 2 health insurers which there was no way I could afford. Insurer 1 kept billing me. I kept telling them that I was no longer insured with them, so to stop billing me. I saw the social services, but he misadvised me, so all the while insurer 1 kept registering my non payment as a debt. I then had the government debt people chasing me for money which I didn't believe I owed and couldn't afford anyway.
Finally this year my psychiatrist referred me to the social worker based in the psychiatric department (no doubt he wanted paying too!) and she started getting involved. Basically insurers 1 &2 were acting against the law.
Following so far?
Another three months down the line, insurer 2 started issuing refunds to me, although I had specifically said to pay back to insurer 1. Of course, they weren't going to do this as that would show liability. In the meantime I was referred to the normal social services department as my social worker had done all she could within her remit.
Hence I have now received another letter from insurer 1 repeating what I was told 2 years ago. "We will not pay your medical bills untill all arrears have been paid".
In effect, this means I can no longer afford medication, I cannot afford to go to my GP, I cannot afford to go to my psychiatrist. Normally after I have visitedeither of these /collected medication, I am billed. This gets sent to the insurer, who then refunds me the total bill less 10%. I can then pay the bill with a small contribution from myself so that it is paid in full. I can negotiate part payment, but still have to pay my insurance premiums, so it is one or the other.
Basically, I'm screwed. After half an hour of crying this afternoon I put my energies into sorting out exactly which bills were still outstanding. I have an appointment with social services in the morning and they know that they have to deal with the insurance companies on my behalf as I am not mentally capable any more of communicating with them - it's too much and I don't always know the words to converse in German.
I am also waiting for my unemployment benefit (3 months now) so I phoned them today. They told me they still need more paperwork. Would have been nice if they had written to me to let me know what was missing, so I photocopied every job related bit of paper from the last two years and sent it to them with a covering note to say if there was anything further missing all they have to do is look up my file from last October from when I last signed on and it will all be there. Of course, being Swiss that probably won't be good enough and I will have to do the rounds of all my employers in the last 2 years to get copies of paperwork which the unemployment office ALREADY HAS!
Frustrated? YES. Upset? YES. Skint? YES (i have about five pounds to my name right now).
I know the meeting with social services will be awful tomorrow because I will get hysterical and cry because I can't take the pressure any more. It's all too much.
Sunday, 10 July 2011
Sunday Sunday
My plan today was to go and climb a Kletterstieg (also known as a Via Ferrata) with my ex and another friend of ours, the lovely and very cute P.
Unfortunately this wasn't to be. Whilst I trust my ex (he is Mountain Man Superhero), I didn't trust the weather, which was looking decidedly stormy and I hate thunderstorms. Plus we were leaving late in the morning because ex was working and so I was even more mistrusting of the weather (and rightly so - there was a very long thunderstorm).
So I am beating myself up about being so pathetic, and disappointed that I didn't go - it would have been fun. But I think my fears and anxiety was appropriate to the situation.
Ex came over last night - he cooked for me because I was working (yes! Work! Albeit casual) yesterday afternoon) and I think he was lonely and also wanted a shag, to which I obliged as I have difficulty saying no to him and ...well...I have my needs too! But this raises the question of why I keep doing this. Is it loneliness? Sometimes. Is it weakness? Yes. Is it a hope we will get back together? Maybe, although I don't think that will happen - he wants to be "alone". Is it to stop him going off with someone else? Absolutely - if he's shagging me, he won't want anyone else. I guess this is manipulation on my part, I'm not sure. I don't feel like I'm being manipulative, I just feel weak and can't say no, even though this is not a healthy situation. It was OK for the first couple of months but now I am finding myself getting upset after he leaves. Or wierdly, want him to go when he is there.
It's not the living on my own that's a problem. I am used to my Spinster Studio now, it feels more like a home and cosy with my cat. I hate going back to my old apartment (where ex still lives) - it feels cold and uninviting and empty. But sometimes, especially late at night when I am trying to go to sleep, I feel so lonely, alone, unwanted. It doesn't help with this insomnia which means I have to resort to Seroquel to help me (which has also calmed down my bad feelings during the day). And it doesn't help that I have no routine to get up for and sleep in way to many times and for way too long.
There's always tomorrow, I tell myself. I can always start over then. I will get up before 9 a.m., I will meditate, have breakfast, exercise, fell better about myself, do more.
And then tomorrow comes and repeats itself and before I know it, the week has gone.
So another round of planning today - a sleep and activity diary printed and ready to go. Maybe if I see how inactive I am then I may shock myself into doing something to change.
Unfortunately this wasn't to be. Whilst I trust my ex (he is Mountain Man Superhero), I didn't trust the weather, which was looking decidedly stormy and I hate thunderstorms. Plus we were leaving late in the morning because ex was working and so I was even more mistrusting of the weather (and rightly so - there was a very long thunderstorm).
So I am beating myself up about being so pathetic, and disappointed that I didn't go - it would have been fun. But I think my fears and anxiety was appropriate to the situation.
Ex came over last night - he cooked for me because I was working (yes! Work! Albeit casual) yesterday afternoon) and I think he was lonely and also wanted a shag, to which I obliged as I have difficulty saying no to him and ...well...I have my needs too! But this raises the question of why I keep doing this. Is it loneliness? Sometimes. Is it weakness? Yes. Is it a hope we will get back together? Maybe, although I don't think that will happen - he wants to be "alone". Is it to stop him going off with someone else? Absolutely - if he's shagging me, he won't want anyone else. I guess this is manipulation on my part, I'm not sure. I don't feel like I'm being manipulative, I just feel weak and can't say no, even though this is not a healthy situation. It was OK for the first couple of months but now I am finding myself getting upset after he leaves. Or wierdly, want him to go when he is there.
It's not the living on my own that's a problem. I am used to my Spinster Studio now, it feels more like a home and cosy with my cat. I hate going back to my old apartment (where ex still lives) - it feels cold and uninviting and empty. But sometimes, especially late at night when I am trying to go to sleep, I feel so lonely, alone, unwanted. It doesn't help with this insomnia which means I have to resort to Seroquel to help me (which has also calmed down my bad feelings during the day). And it doesn't help that I have no routine to get up for and sleep in way to many times and for way too long.
There's always tomorrow, I tell myself. I can always start over then. I will get up before 9 a.m., I will meditate, have breakfast, exercise, fell better about myself, do more.
And then tomorrow comes and repeats itself and before I know it, the week has gone.
So another round of planning today - a sleep and activity diary printed and ready to go. Maybe if I see how inactive I am then I may shock myself into doing something to change.
Friday, 8 July 2011
More sleep
So I tried a night without Seroquel and it didn't work - 4 hours sleep.
Today, I slept in until 4 pm. I don't know why and as I lay in bed and dreamed about how good life could be, I lost track of time. And I feel bad about myself.
I have been reading a lot about Buddhism over the last week and really like the philosophy, I just don't know how I can start living it. I have learned there are different schools of thought and I am pretty certain which one I want to follow, but I have lots of questions about it and can't afford to go and see someone to learn to meditate properly and get these questions answered.
Am still trying to control the drinking and have great support from a friend on fb who has been dry for 5 years now. She enthuses about how she has turned her life around and it really inspires me. I just wish I had some willpower.
Today, I slept in until 4 pm. I don't know why and as I lay in bed and dreamed about how good life could be, I lost track of time. And I feel bad about myself.
I have been reading a lot about Buddhism over the last week and really like the philosophy, I just don't know how I can start living it. I have learned there are different schools of thought and I am pretty certain which one I want to follow, but I have lots of questions about it and can't afford to go and see someone to learn to meditate properly and get these questions answered.
Am still trying to control the drinking and have great support from a friend on fb who has been dry for 5 years now. She enthuses about how she has turned her life around and it really inspires me. I just wish I had some willpower.
Monday, 4 July 2011
Activities and sleeping in
Yet again, I failed to get up before midday. This happened yesterday and the day before and the day before etc. although yesterday my ex came round to give me a free pass to the local outdoor swimming pool as I said I couldn't afford to go - of course, he caught me sleeping in which really annoys him as he keeps telling me I should get up and do something. Admittedly last night I read my book until 3.30 a.m. and had taken seroquel to help me sleep, but I feel so guilty anyway about lazing about in bed when I should be up and doing something. But I find it so hard to leave my duvet as it's a big scary world out there.
I wrote a plan for each day and pinned it up next to my bed. My ex laughed at it and said I wouldn't do it. But I like to think that maybe, maybe one morning I will wake up early and complete at least some of the things on the list.
Yesterday I spent most of the day curled up in bed with my cat. I should explain my cat, Sam, likes to go out hunting or whatever and disappears for three days only coming back for five minutes to eat. He occasionally goes back to mine and exes old apartment (where ex still lives) and sleeps, but he always comes back for food. And then he spends a day asleep on the bed to recharge his batteries before repeating the cycle. So I like to take advantage of his company, hence curling up with him yesterday. He gives me a lot of comfort and unconditional love (unless you count food) and I love him to bits. If I go back to the UK, ex says I can't take him with me.
Today I have been reading (the 4th book in 2 days), this one set in a ski resort which is hit by an avalanche (living in a ski resort, this book holds some interest for me).
Haven't had a drink since June - small steps and lots of encouragement from my friend on facebook who hasn't had a drink for 5 years now. I am desperately trying to stop drinking completely and she is keeping me strong although I know really she thinks I won't manage it. I even missed a party (well I wasn't totally sure if I was invited anyway) last Friday because I knew there would be alcohol there.
I just wish I wasn't so crap at stuff. I used to have such confidence in myself, such drive and these days it is completely gone. The thought of leaving my apartment to go and do something like exercise makes me so anxious that I make excuses not to do it. When my ex phones me he always asks what I've been up to and I am tired of making up stuff to tell him so it sounds like I have done something that day. Except smoke and read or watch Jeremy Kyle.
Tonight I have deliberately not switched on the TV so I am not tempted to stay awake to ridiculous hours watching crap. Instead, I have spent time on the internet madosphere to get up to date with blogs etc and even had some courage to leave some comments. It's been nice, I feel connected with fellow mentalists and not alone.
Must phone up about my unemployment benefit tomorrow. J has said he will give me 200chf so I have some money to live which is great (unless he wants it back) but I really need the money to pay bills, especially my Psychiatrist bills so I can get another appointment. I have a HausArzt (GP) appointment on Wednesday (9 a.m. so HAVE to get up) and he is usually pretty understanding about delays in paying my bills (1 year last time). He was going to copy some DVD's for me so hopefully he hasn't forgotten. At least I get to talk to someone.
Still no job. Am paranoid that 2 I applied for I didn't get because my ex boss is friendly with them and made up some stuff about me (we no longer get on after I worked for him). If I find out that is the case I will go ballistic. I think I might accuse him anyway because he is crap at lying. It's just one of the replys said it was nothing against my character or my experience, which is a pretty weird thing to say. His ex-wife works for one of them so maybe she will be able to let me know if he has said anything to put them off. And if it is the case then I will make his life hell.
See, all this time not working makes me think to much and even now I am talking myself out of my feelings of paranoia - maybe I AM justified and right in being paranoid for once. Maybe I WILL be in the right to get angry. Problem is, no-one backs me up. None of my friends, my ex, anyone.
I wrote a plan for each day and pinned it up next to my bed. My ex laughed at it and said I wouldn't do it. But I like to think that maybe, maybe one morning I will wake up early and complete at least some of the things on the list.
Yesterday I spent most of the day curled up in bed with my cat. I should explain my cat, Sam, likes to go out hunting or whatever and disappears for three days only coming back for five minutes to eat. He occasionally goes back to mine and exes old apartment (where ex still lives) and sleeps, but he always comes back for food. And then he spends a day asleep on the bed to recharge his batteries before repeating the cycle. So I like to take advantage of his company, hence curling up with him yesterday. He gives me a lot of comfort and unconditional love (unless you count food) and I love him to bits. If I go back to the UK, ex says I can't take him with me.
Today I have been reading (the 4th book in 2 days), this one set in a ski resort which is hit by an avalanche (living in a ski resort, this book holds some interest for me).
Haven't had a drink since June - small steps and lots of encouragement from my friend on facebook who hasn't had a drink for 5 years now. I am desperately trying to stop drinking completely and she is keeping me strong although I know really she thinks I won't manage it. I even missed a party (well I wasn't totally sure if I was invited anyway) last Friday because I knew there would be alcohol there.
I just wish I wasn't so crap at stuff. I used to have such confidence in myself, such drive and these days it is completely gone. The thought of leaving my apartment to go and do something like exercise makes me so anxious that I make excuses not to do it. When my ex phones me he always asks what I've been up to and I am tired of making up stuff to tell him so it sounds like I have done something that day. Except smoke and read or watch Jeremy Kyle.
Tonight I have deliberately not switched on the TV so I am not tempted to stay awake to ridiculous hours watching crap. Instead, I have spent time on the internet madosphere to get up to date with blogs etc and even had some courage to leave some comments. It's been nice, I feel connected with fellow mentalists and not alone.
Must phone up about my unemployment benefit tomorrow. J has said he will give me 200chf so I have some money to live which is great (unless he wants it back) but I really need the money to pay bills, especially my Psychiatrist bills so I can get another appointment. I have a HausArzt (GP) appointment on Wednesday (9 a.m. so HAVE to get up) and he is usually pretty understanding about delays in paying my bills (1 year last time). He was going to copy some DVD's for me so hopefully he hasn't forgotten. At least I get to talk to someone.
Still no job. Am paranoid that 2 I applied for I didn't get because my ex boss is friendly with them and made up some stuff about me (we no longer get on after I worked for him). If I find out that is the case I will go ballistic. I think I might accuse him anyway because he is crap at lying. It's just one of the replys said it was nothing against my character or my experience, which is a pretty weird thing to say. His ex-wife works for one of them so maybe she will be able to let me know if he has said anything to put them off. And if it is the case then I will make his life hell.
See, all this time not working makes me think to much and even now I am talking myself out of my feelings of paranoia - maybe I AM justified and right in being paranoid for once. Maybe I WILL be in the right to get angry. Problem is, no-one backs me up. None of my friends, my ex, anyone.
Friday, 1 July 2011
Later........
I feel wrong. Very wrong.
I've just spent 5 hours on the internet...fb....youtube....TV on at same time but I'm not really watching it, can't focus on any programme. I've been crying...I feel shaky and like I want to do something.....anything.........restless.........jittery and very very sad. Can't settle.
I think I'll have a shower and some more Seroquel and hope I can feel a bit calmer. I just want to RANT or something but I don't know what about.
I could call my doctor or something but........why..........what would I say?
I've just spent 5 hours on the internet...fb....youtube....TV on at same time but I'm not really watching it, can't focus on any programme. I've been crying...I feel shaky and like I want to do something.....anything.........restless.........jittery and very very sad. Can't settle.
I think I'll have a shower and some more Seroquel and hope I can feel a bit calmer. I just want to RANT or something but I don't know what about.
I could call my doctor or something but........why..........what would I say?
Progress
I feel bad. Very bad.
I've been feeling (up until now) pretty stable, not unhappy, able to cope. However, a couple of things have been happening which I think have contributed to my mood suddenly skydiving.
First - ex boyfriend. He split up because he said he wanted to be on his own. Then he said a couple of weeks ago that he had never needed anybody (and although I don't want to feel needed, it's still hurtful that he doesn't need me in his life). Now he is saying he is lonely. Oh, and for some reason I still keep sleeping with him.
Second, I just found out that 3 and a half grands worth (CHF) of bills DID NOT get processed by the bank at the beginning of April. And they didn't even send me a letter to tell me. So I came back from holiday thinking the bills had been paid and oh look, I've done well managing my money and have enough to last me two months, which has now been spent on...well....living costs. So I am again behind with my psychiatrist bill and at the moment am in limbo between two health insurers so have no idea who is insuring me and who is paying my doctor's bills.
When I found out about the non-paid bills yesterday I really tried to not obsessively think about it. I tried to do what that patronising prick Eckhart Tolle tells me in The Power of Now to just live in the situation. So I tried to distract myself but there was this little voice in the back of my thoughts repeating "FUUUUUCCCCKK" no matter what I did. I disassociated from my feelings to try and cope. Didn't work, the voice was still there. So I took some Seroquel to calm the voice down. Promptly fell asleep for an hour which pissed me off as I haven't been sleeping properly at night for ages and didn't want to mess up my sort of routine. (I was awake until at least 2 a.m. so yet more Seroquel to help me sleep). Woke up this morning feeling generally low, lethargic and like I wanted to cry (and haven't been able to all day). Forced myself to get dressed and go out into the village (I needed some shopping and to pick up a prescription for Naltrexon) and found that I was feeling a bit disorientated and anxious about all the people. Picked up my prescription and had a really nice chat with my pharmacist (she is a star and orders my drugs on emergency many times as I forget to reorder in time). She asked me if I was living somewhere new as she had seen me carrying shopping at the other end of town. I told her me and J split up in February, which she didn't know (her boyfriend was J's boss). Anyway, she split up with her boyfriend (which I knew about) - he was 45, they had been together 20 years and he, like J, just turned round one day and said he didn't want to be in the relationship any more. So there we were, in the middle of the pharmacy, bitching about men and mid-life crises. But she said I looked better and although I felt like crying (which she kept apologising for) it was more because she was being so kind about it and not telling me crap like there are plenty of fish in the sea etc, etc. She said we could meet up for a soft drink (she knows I have an alcohol problem) and that I can phone her any time. We were both of the opinion that it can be a bit lonely sometimes and the thank goodness for our cat (mine)/dog (hers) to help us through. Oh, and men are crap, pathetic little babies that can't deal with real life. (Bit hypocritical on my part I guess).
Anyway, am at home now, a friend of mine will be on fb later to talk about not drinking (again) and hopefully remind me of the shame of alcohol. I managed today all right but it is hard. Still, am at home now and no alcohol in the house so as long as I stay in, I can get through today sober.
Doctor (GP) appointment on Wednesday, need to make another Psych appointment soon (when the bills are paid). Still no job.
I've been feeling (up until now) pretty stable, not unhappy, able to cope. However, a couple of things have been happening which I think have contributed to my mood suddenly skydiving.
First - ex boyfriend. He split up because he said he wanted to be on his own. Then he said a couple of weeks ago that he had never needed anybody (and although I don't want to feel needed, it's still hurtful that he doesn't need me in his life). Now he is saying he is lonely. Oh, and for some reason I still keep sleeping with him.
Second, I just found out that 3 and a half grands worth (CHF) of bills DID NOT get processed by the bank at the beginning of April. And they didn't even send me a letter to tell me. So I came back from holiday thinking the bills had been paid and oh look, I've done well managing my money and have enough to last me two months, which has now been spent on...well....living costs. So I am again behind with my psychiatrist bill and at the moment am in limbo between two health insurers so have no idea who is insuring me and who is paying my doctor's bills.
When I found out about the non-paid bills yesterday I really tried to not obsessively think about it. I tried to do what that patronising prick Eckhart Tolle tells me in The Power of Now to just live in the situation. So I tried to distract myself but there was this little voice in the back of my thoughts repeating "FUUUUUCCCCKK" no matter what I did. I disassociated from my feelings to try and cope. Didn't work, the voice was still there. So I took some Seroquel to calm the voice down. Promptly fell asleep for an hour which pissed me off as I haven't been sleeping properly at night for ages and didn't want to mess up my sort of routine. (I was awake until at least 2 a.m. so yet more Seroquel to help me sleep). Woke up this morning feeling generally low, lethargic and like I wanted to cry (and haven't been able to all day). Forced myself to get dressed and go out into the village (I needed some shopping and to pick up a prescription for Naltrexon) and found that I was feeling a bit disorientated and anxious about all the people. Picked up my prescription and had a really nice chat with my pharmacist (she is a star and orders my drugs on emergency many times as I forget to reorder in time). She asked me if I was living somewhere new as she had seen me carrying shopping at the other end of town. I told her me and J split up in February, which she didn't know (her boyfriend was J's boss). Anyway, she split up with her boyfriend (which I knew about) - he was 45, they had been together 20 years and he, like J, just turned round one day and said he didn't want to be in the relationship any more. So there we were, in the middle of the pharmacy, bitching about men and mid-life crises. But she said I looked better and although I felt like crying (which she kept apologising for) it was more because she was being so kind about it and not telling me crap like there are plenty of fish in the sea etc, etc. She said we could meet up for a soft drink (she knows I have an alcohol problem) and that I can phone her any time. We were both of the opinion that it can be a bit lonely sometimes and the thank goodness for our cat (mine)/dog (hers) to help us through. Oh, and men are crap, pathetic little babies that can't deal with real life. (Bit hypocritical on my part I guess).
Anyway, am at home now, a friend of mine will be on fb later to talk about not drinking (again) and hopefully remind me of the shame of alcohol. I managed today all right but it is hard. Still, am at home now and no alcohol in the house so as long as I stay in, I can get through today sober.
Doctor (GP) appointment on Wednesday, need to make another Psych appointment soon (when the bills are paid). Still no job.
Saturday, 18 June 2011
Is there anybody out there?
I have felt pretty stable all this week, except for Friday when I was unusually tearful, lonely and frightened in my own home. Maybe it's the extra Seroquel I am taking which is making me anxious or something? I am on 200mg a night in order to sleep - I was on anything between 50-100mg but that stopped working and so I upped the dose. I tried Wednesday night to sleep without medication but it didn't work and I spent the night in a permanent light sleep - so frustrating.
One thing I have enjoyed this week is reaching out and reading a lot of mental health blogs. There seem to be some regulars and most are so articulate, way more so than me. But what I have found is that I am not alone and some people have way worse problems than me - I almost feel ashamed to consider myself mental. I know it is all relative and on my better days I will feel like I belong, but I have always had a problem of fitting in and I think sometimes I am thinking that I don't even fit into the mentalists world. I have felt confident enough to post a few comments and hope I have worded them properly so that I haven't insulted anyone.
Psych appointment on Monday after my appointment with the unemployment office. Am feeling a bit ranty towards my psychiatrist so it may not be an easy appointment.
Also, with my planned return to England I have been researching the kind of help and support that I can get. I have found a support group in the area that I am moving to but the hunt for a psychiatrist to see privately until I am into the NHS system again, has not been so easy. I have also looked for psychologists but am totally confused with the therapy types (person centered etc.) so have no idea which one will be suitable for me. It made me cry as it seemed so overwhelming and scary that I am going back when I am so used to a high level of support over here in Switzerland.
One thing I have enjoyed this week is reaching out and reading a lot of mental health blogs. There seem to be some regulars and most are so articulate, way more so than me. But what I have found is that I am not alone and some people have way worse problems than me - I almost feel ashamed to consider myself mental. I know it is all relative and on my better days I will feel like I belong, but I have always had a problem of fitting in and I think sometimes I am thinking that I don't even fit into the mentalists world. I have felt confident enough to post a few comments and hope I have worded them properly so that I haven't insulted anyone.
Psych appointment on Monday after my appointment with the unemployment office. Am feeling a bit ranty towards my psychiatrist so it may not be an easy appointment.
Also, with my planned return to England I have been researching the kind of help and support that I can get. I have found a support group in the area that I am moving to but the hunt for a psychiatrist to see privately until I am into the NHS system again, has not been so easy. I have also looked for psychologists but am totally confused with the therapy types (person centered etc.) so have no idea which one will be suitable for me. It made me cry as it seemed so overwhelming and scary that I am going back when I am so used to a high level of support over here in Switzerland.
Wednesday, 15 June 2011
Job Hunting
I bit the bullet and went and spoke to the managers of one of the hotels, who require an Au pair and help in service. They are really nice and I knew them already so when the conversation got going I wasn't too nervous. Of course, the wage for an au Pair is terrible but at least I would be working and earning my own wage.
At the moment the days are just drifting by. Because of the Seroquel (now on 200mg/day to get me to sleep) I tend to wake up groggy and lay there for ages daydreaming. I feel like I am being really lazy but I am just in a zombie like state most of the time except for bursts of energy every so often. Hence making the effort to write on my blog.
Last night I was really tearful. I really missed my ex and being in the comfort of a relationship. Although I am content with being alone which has proved to myself that I don't need to be in a relationship, I miss the day to day security of having that person there. I am still sleeping with him when the mood takes me but I am very passive about it, it's just emotionless.
So I have focused a bit on research as to the kind of jobs I can apply for in HR when I get back to the UK and am pleased to see I can get something pretty good that earns a decent amount as I have the skills they are looking for. Will start applying around September time as I am not expecting to get something straight away but it would be good to get something before the end of the year.
At the moment the days are just drifting by. Because of the Seroquel (now on 200mg/day to get me to sleep) I tend to wake up groggy and lay there for ages daydreaming. I feel like I am being really lazy but I am just in a zombie like state most of the time except for bursts of energy every so often. Hence making the effort to write on my blog.
Last night I was really tearful. I really missed my ex and being in the comfort of a relationship. Although I am content with being alone which has proved to myself that I don't need to be in a relationship, I miss the day to day security of having that person there. I am still sleeping with him when the mood takes me but I am very passive about it, it's just emotionless.
So I have focused a bit on research as to the kind of jobs I can apply for in HR when I get back to the UK and am pleased to see I can get something pretty good that earns a decent amount as I have the skills they are looking for. Will start applying around September time as I am not expecting to get something straight away but it would be good to get something before the end of the year.
Monday, 13 June 2011
Ramblings
I sometimes wonder if my cat knows my mood is going to change before i do. He has been very cuddly towards me today and although i have been ok most of the time i have had waves of sadness and loneliness wash over me. Talking to my best friend earlier was great and i was feeling positive and telling her all my plans, but now i feel so sad and very lonely. I am missing my ex too. I am so confused.
Sunday, 12 June 2011
Life etc.
I HAVE to get a job tomorrow. I can't put it off any longer, even though my anxiety has been getting the better of me. So I have been reading every self help book and listening to self esteem CD's that I own to try and boost my self belief and confidence.
J called by today at about 1.30pm. I was still in bed. I could tell he didn't approve but he's not the one who is suffering insomnia at the moment and due to his army years he can survive on three hours sleep a night. So I felt really guilty and then spent the rest of the day worrying about how guilty I was feeling.
My guts are churning though - I have tried visualising me going to speak to the hotel manager (who I know) and getting the job and receiving the pay at the end of the month. If I earn the money then I can pay off the health insurance debts and take away that anxiety. So I have to do it, I have just lost all trust and confidence in myself to be able to commit to work. I know once I am in work I will be OK because I will have the routine and it is a job where no-one is breathing down my neck all the time so no pressure there, but there is a nagging doubt in the back of my mind - well, that voice that tells you that you can't do it, it will go wrong, that I am no good, I am a failure etc.
Plus there is still this sodding insomnia to sort out. I have been taking more Seroquel as Dr I said I should try that rather than using sleeping tablets as it will also have an antidepressant effect and take that edge off that I am experiencing at the moment. But I am almost scared to go to sleep as I don't know what tomorrow will bring and am anxious about that.
I spoke to my best friend, E, today. Her new house will be ready in August and I am welcome to go back to the UK anytime after where she will take care of me and get me back on my feet again. I have told her it will more likely be near Christmas by the time I have sorted out all the shit over here. It's a goal anyway. J heard somehow that I am planning to go back to the UK - he said I can't take my cat with me as he will never cope in a town as he is used to wide open spaces and countryside. He has a point I guess, but its my cat........In that past I rehomed my three cats when I was with my ex and we went travelling and I swore that I would never do that again. But J found the cat for me so and it looked like we were going to be together forever.
Which wasn't to be.
I am focusing on daily affirmations and on future goals to keep me going at the moment. This week I have been missing J quite a lot. Also, last week I heard that some of the desperate housewives have been having girly nights and BBQ's together and they didn't invite me, so I was really upset (still am) as I take things like that really personally and then wonder what is wrong with me, am I not good enough for them. But I will never feel "good enough" as it has haunted me throughout my life and I simply can't seem to shake the feeling.
I have been reading lots of other mental health blogs and my heart goes out to those who are finding life difficult right now...you are not alone........
J called by today at about 1.30pm. I was still in bed. I could tell he didn't approve but he's not the one who is suffering insomnia at the moment and due to his army years he can survive on three hours sleep a night. So I felt really guilty and then spent the rest of the day worrying about how guilty I was feeling.
My guts are churning though - I have tried visualising me going to speak to the hotel manager (who I know) and getting the job and receiving the pay at the end of the month. If I earn the money then I can pay off the health insurance debts and take away that anxiety. So I have to do it, I have just lost all trust and confidence in myself to be able to commit to work. I know once I am in work I will be OK because I will have the routine and it is a job where no-one is breathing down my neck all the time so no pressure there, but there is a nagging doubt in the back of my mind - well, that voice that tells you that you can't do it, it will go wrong, that I am no good, I am a failure etc.
Plus there is still this sodding insomnia to sort out. I have been taking more Seroquel as Dr I said I should try that rather than using sleeping tablets as it will also have an antidepressant effect and take that edge off that I am experiencing at the moment. But I am almost scared to go to sleep as I don't know what tomorrow will bring and am anxious about that.
I spoke to my best friend, E, today. Her new house will be ready in August and I am welcome to go back to the UK anytime after where she will take care of me and get me back on my feet again. I have told her it will more likely be near Christmas by the time I have sorted out all the shit over here. It's a goal anyway. J heard somehow that I am planning to go back to the UK - he said I can't take my cat with me as he will never cope in a town as he is used to wide open spaces and countryside. He has a point I guess, but its my cat........In that past I rehomed my three cats when I was with my ex and we went travelling and I swore that I would never do that again. But J found the cat for me so and it looked like we were going to be together forever.
Which wasn't to be.
I am focusing on daily affirmations and on future goals to keep me going at the moment. This week I have been missing J quite a lot. Also, last week I heard that some of the desperate housewives have been having girly nights and BBQ's together and they didn't invite me, so I was really upset (still am) as I take things like that really personally and then wonder what is wrong with me, am I not good enough for them. But I will never feel "good enough" as it has haunted me throughout my life and I simply can't seem to shake the feeling.
I have been reading lots of other mental health blogs and my heart goes out to those who are finding life difficult right now...you are not alone........
Monday, 6 June 2011
Hope and Despair
When I first met my Psychiatrist I wasn't full of much hope. I was in fact in deep despair - what had sent me to the clinic? Why couldn't I just be normal? Why did I keep coming back to these feelings of emptiness, hopelessness, sadness, fear, giving up? I had tried medication before and it hadn't worked. I had been depressed on and off since I was 15 so why would this time be any different?
I had requested a female psychiatrist, but this was not possible as no-one at the Psychiatric Service had good enough English skills to treat me and my German certainly wasn't up to the level required to talk about my feelings. In fact, I ended up with the Chief doctor as he had worked in America for some years and have remained with him ever since, three and a half years later.
I remember that first meeting - I was terrified. I thought he wouldn't take me seriously. I didn't believe anyone could help me. After all, in the clinic they had remedicated me and I had therapies but nothing seemed to offer a glimmer of hope that I would stop feeling this way. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but from the instant I opened my mouth to the close of the meeting an hour later I didn't stop sobbing. I threw an exercise book at him containing my life story so far which I had written in the clinic and told him that I wasn't going to go over my life story again as I had done that years before in counselling and I was bored of it.
I really felt that he listened to me even though I was stumbling over words, jumping from thought to thought and completely embarrassed about opening up so intensely.
Finally, he spoke. Please offer me a glimmer of something that can cure me, I thought. He told me that it appeared I was suffering from Atypical Depression, which is in fact quite "typical". He ran through the diagnostic criteria and I felt such relief that what he was describing was in fact - me. Finally, someone may be able to help me? He suggested medication that might help me (although I can't remember which as I am on regime number 6 now) to start off with and then began a weekly appointment to try and unwrap my feelings of despair.
It is three and a half years later and I see Dr I on a monthly basis. I have tried leaving it longer but invariably crack up in a longer timescale. I now take medication which I am satisfied with (here's hoping it continues to deliver) and have learnt a lot about myself. He is a lifeline.
Maybe one day I will not have to depend on this.
I had requested a female psychiatrist, but this was not possible as no-one at the Psychiatric Service had good enough English skills to treat me and my German certainly wasn't up to the level required to talk about my feelings. In fact, I ended up with the Chief doctor as he had worked in America for some years and have remained with him ever since, three and a half years later.
I remember that first meeting - I was terrified. I thought he wouldn't take me seriously. I didn't believe anyone could help me. After all, in the clinic they had remedicated me and I had therapies but nothing seemed to offer a glimmer of hope that I would stop feeling this way. I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but from the instant I opened my mouth to the close of the meeting an hour later I didn't stop sobbing. I threw an exercise book at him containing my life story so far which I had written in the clinic and told him that I wasn't going to go over my life story again as I had done that years before in counselling and I was bored of it.
I really felt that he listened to me even though I was stumbling over words, jumping from thought to thought and completely embarrassed about opening up so intensely.
Finally, he spoke. Please offer me a glimmer of something that can cure me, I thought. He told me that it appeared I was suffering from Atypical Depression, which is in fact quite "typical". He ran through the diagnostic criteria and I felt such relief that what he was describing was in fact - me. Finally, someone may be able to help me? He suggested medication that might help me (although I can't remember which as I am on regime number 6 now) to start off with and then began a weekly appointment to try and unwrap my feelings of despair.
It is three and a half years later and I see Dr I on a monthly basis. I have tried leaving it longer but invariably crack up in a longer timescale. I now take medication which I am satisfied with (here's hoping it continues to deliver) and have learnt a lot about myself. He is a lifeline.
Maybe one day I will not have to depend on this.
Thursday, 2 June 2011
Psychiatrist appointment
My scheduled appointment was on Monday, one of the hottest days we have had here this year. Dr I did apologise that his office would be hot and stuffy - although the window was open it is often reshut as the office is located by the hospital helipad - the heli usually comes in to land just when I am getting to an important or emotional comment.
Anyway, my mood had dropped last week and so I began by explaining that. He asked if there was a particular reason and I said I had been thinking about that but there was no reason I could think of. I explained about my sleeping problems over the last three weeks and that Dr A had given me Zolpidem after I had tried Temesta. He seemed a bit disapproving and suggested I tried Seroquel instead, up to 300mg as the antidepressant effects would also help with my mood.
There wasn't much else to talk about really. He asked about J and I said that I was in a mood with him as he only phones when he wants something. J gets annoyed if I don't pick up the phone when he calls, saying that he worries in case I have done something to myself. When I said to J after my appointment that he hadn't phoned for a week and I could be dead on the floor he said that I can pick up the phone too! Typical, he always tries to turn it back on me. Dr I thinks I am working through my anger.
I explained that I had lists everywhere of stuff I want to do, to achieve, but never do and then beat myself up about not achieving my goals. Dr I suggested I had a maximum list of three things and that I spent 5 minutes on each with the hope that this would motivate me to achieve more. I am going to give it a try. I've got nothing to lose.
I think my health insurance problem is getting closer to resolution. I keep getting random statements from insurer number 1 with cancelled policies and new ones that are cheaper etc. So I am a bit confused as to who I am insured with at the moment. Anyway, not my problem as the Social Service is taking on my case and will basically reallocate my money according to the debts I owe and pay me the excess (topped up if it is too low) into my bank account so that I know how much money I have for myself each month and no surprise bills coming in. I sent off the paperwork yesterday after meeting with them last week. Fingers crossed this goes well.
Anyway, my mood had dropped last week and so I began by explaining that. He asked if there was a particular reason and I said I had been thinking about that but there was no reason I could think of. I explained about my sleeping problems over the last three weeks and that Dr A had given me Zolpidem after I had tried Temesta. He seemed a bit disapproving and suggested I tried Seroquel instead, up to 300mg as the antidepressant effects would also help with my mood.
There wasn't much else to talk about really. He asked about J and I said that I was in a mood with him as he only phones when he wants something. J gets annoyed if I don't pick up the phone when he calls, saying that he worries in case I have done something to myself. When I said to J after my appointment that he hadn't phoned for a week and I could be dead on the floor he said that I can pick up the phone too! Typical, he always tries to turn it back on me. Dr I thinks I am working through my anger.
I explained that I had lists everywhere of stuff I want to do, to achieve, but never do and then beat myself up about not achieving my goals. Dr I suggested I had a maximum list of three things and that I spent 5 minutes on each with the hope that this would motivate me to achieve more. I am going to give it a try. I've got nothing to lose.
I think my health insurance problem is getting closer to resolution. I keep getting random statements from insurer number 1 with cancelled policies and new ones that are cheaper etc. So I am a bit confused as to who I am insured with at the moment. Anyway, not my problem as the Social Service is taking on my case and will basically reallocate my money according to the debts I owe and pay me the excess (topped up if it is too low) into my bank account so that I know how much money I have for myself each month and no surprise bills coming in. I sent off the paperwork yesterday after meeting with them last week. Fingers crossed this goes well.
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
Finally 8 hours sleep
.....and felt better for it although a little groggy. At least I got up at a reasonable hour, trouble is, don't know what to do to fill my time....
This is ridiculous
Surely after 10mg zolpidem and 50mg seroquel should be feeling slightly tired? 2 hours and waiting......
Sunday, 22 May 2011
Stillllllll nooooo slleeeeeep
So i finally got some temesta (lorazepam) from my doctor and it does nothing to help me sleep. Nothing. Doesnt make me feel sleepy, only slightly tired but not enough to send me to the land of nod.
It has left me with raging paranoia when i wake up and a feeling of fearful sadness. And after i had taken my dose for sleep i had this bizarre feeling of awareness of being alive and in my dkin, breathing, which freaked me out and sent me hiding under the covers. Methinks back to doctor tomorrow.
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
Still no sleep
Well not at the right time anyway. I was awake until 4am and slept on and off until 2pm. Am sick of this. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and i think i will ask him for some sleeping tablets for a couple of nights, if he'll let me have them. Otherwise it's CSI repeats and reading books.
Sleep won't come
Its after 3am and still i cant sleep. My sleep patterns are haywire, i am awake into the early hours and sleep in til midday. Usually seroquel helps to calm my mind so that i drift off but its not working tonight. Reading a book hurts my eyes but doesnt make me tired. At a loss what to do. Herbal tea hasnt helped either. Maybe i should ask the doctor on wednrsday for some sleeping pills for a couple of nights just to get me back on track. Wish i was my cat who has been sleeping on my bed for the last 6 hours.
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