Family Matters

I am sad today for two reasons. One, a lad went missing where I live and his body has just been found.  He went missing last week in strange circumstances and also looked the spitting image (and I mean exact double) of my younger brother.  I feel sad for the family and what they have had to go through - they put up such a campaign to raise awareness and I don't think any one person hadn't checked their cellars, sheds, lofts etc. in the slim hope that he would have curled up somewhere. The second reason is my own family shit. I was washing up and as usual my mind wandered to other things.  I was thinking about all the horrible things my older brother had written to me and the things I want to say to him and my younger brother but probably never will.  Then I opened the post which has been piling up for a few days now.  Yep, there was a Christmas card from my older brother (and wife) with a cheesy message about if ever me and J want to stay we are more than welcome!! I mean, talk about avoiding the issue, just because he is all loved out does not mean that an apology is out of the question.  He has even refused a teleconference with my Psychiatrist and me to sort out our differences, everything has to be on his terms.
Nothing from my younger brother or nephews though........
So I am sad (traurig in German- it is such an expressive word for it) and irritable, gunning for a fight and just in the mood for getting blindly, ridiculously drunk. I cried for a while, and then I was even worse when I opened a small parcel from my mum - she had made me a photobook of photos of me and when they were taken/background behind them.  It was so sweet. I had also spoken to my sister last night and she has had a stressful Christmas which my younger brother has been unsympathetic to. He is so double standards - expects everyone to go visit him and not the other way round.
Ahh, am just narky and sad and feel like I don't fit in anywhere.  Anywhere. And I don't think I ever will.

I miss real christmas

I wonder what he is doing now.  Probably never thinks of me.   But I am drinking our favourite wine, thinking of what present I would have got him. Thinking how I don't want to live without him. Never have, any thought of ending it has been because of the pain and guilt.  And the disappointment that I am that crap I couldn't hold on to him, that he walked away and didn't want to work it through. I can't forgive myself ever.  and despiter what he said about we could get through anything, he lied.  But I don't care - my love for him overrules anything.  and now I am the one living a lie. I hate myself, I should have left everyone's world long ago. i am not feeling sorry for myself, just sorry that I hurt someone so much and I can't live with it.  I guess the meds aren't working and my psychiatrist is in America right now.
Why doens't he contact me?

You can't feel guilt without love.

Emotions Regulation Group

This evening I attended the last "lesson" of the interpersonal Skills module at the hospital down in the valley. I am pretty tired because I started work again last Sunday and am working in Ski school outdoors in a job which requires me to think and the DBT is in Swiss German which is quite hard to follow - all this added together makes me even more tired and emotional so I ended up feeling worse after attending the group. I participated and was fine, but on the journey home I started feeling sad and for some reason it popped into my head that I was only born to save my parents marriage, which failed anyway.  I have always teased my younger brother that he was the "save the marriage" child, but it makes more sense it was me.  Absolutely no idea where this has come from and its completely irrational.
Up until that revelation on the train I had been feeling ....well.....normal.  I mean, I felt like I was living a normal day in a normal mood, not ecstatic, not down, just kind of "baseline" I suppose.  And it felt good.  Maybe this new drugs regime is working.
Going to bed now to cuddle up with my man and my cat.  The rest of the village are out looking for a missing 23 year old who rolled out of the local nightclub (drunk) at 3 a.m. and has been missing ever since.  Kind of a bad idea when it is minus 10.

Work, life and fondue and cheese soup

First day back at work today and it went....well.....OK. I achieved "promotion" on the ski slopes by stepping into my sister-in-laws shoes as a favour to her (she has taken a job in a bar which gives her work the whole year round, an elusive type of contract in a ski resort). I decided that I would give it a go, but despite today going really well I miss the teaching side already.
As for my mental state - I seem OK - yesterday evening I had the physical symptoms of an anxiety attack but in my mind I felt all right - calm, collected, no repetitive thoughts.  I had decided I would go out and socialise before going to work (volunteer) at the local cinema.  I went out, I was shaky, but I managed to sit in a bar all on my own and chat to acquaintances as they came in, in a calm manner, even if inwardly I was feeling uncomfortable. Gold star for me, reduced to a bronze for having two glasses of wine.
As for the weight loss plan - I haven't stuck to it at all and am being very harsh on myself about it, particularly when my boyfriend, who has an aversion to fat people, keeps commenting about my eating habits.  I know he is joking (at least, I think he is - he wouldn't deliberately hurt me) but it still cuts right through me. I have another plan though and hope to go on a detox plan, liquids only.  Surely some of the fat will disappear? I'm just not a good advert for the aerobics classes I teach right now. Eating a cheese fondue earlier hasn't helped - I feel like I have a stone sitting in my stomach.
My Psychiatric appointment last week went well and he reviewed my medications.  He said that the day clinic hadn't followed his instructions to wean me off the Wellbutrin and increase the Lamotrigine, so I have a new drug regime which entailed another trip to the Apotheke  (Chemist) with another prescription for a shed load of drugs.  Can't get enough of them. We talked about ways of tackling the alcohol side of things because it really shook me up losing a couple of hours the week before due to a binge session. There are some medications out there which can help so he wrote me a list for me to Wiki later. Which I did. More confused now - I know to have the willpower is hard for me.  I don't seem to be able to abstain for myself, I need a strong reason to go sober for somebody else.  But there is no-one I love enough to do this for. In this situation then meds would be a good idea (from previous posts you will see that I have absolutely no problem in taking medication as long as it does something to make me feel better.) One medication in particular appeals to me because it shows some side effects of weight loss.  Hmm, antidepressant known for weight gain + medication for alcohol abuse showing side effects of weight loss = back to normal weight?? Of course, the best and newest medication is just out of range of the Medical Insurance budget.  Rather like the NHS, if a medication is too expensive or you live in the wrong postcode area then you might not get access to the latest treatment available.  The drug I could take is simply too new and too expensive and only really used for the severely opiate dependent community.  A seemingly healthy person with mild addiction problems will be helped but a severely addicted crackhead will be chucked these drugs at the drop of a hat.  Sometimes I just don't understand the medical insurance system here - they seem to give loads of stuff free to those who have kids (surely they are more at risk of being ill?) yet singletons like me are denied access to other treatments because they are "too expensive". Hey! I have no kids! My boyfriend never claims for anything! Don't we get a no claims discount or something?
Having said that, the Social office were really helpful to me last week and are going to pay my health insurance premiums for a couple of months. They were practically chucking money at me thank goodness.  I have nearly paid off my debts (yep, got to get good at controlling spending sprees, yet another symptom of my craziness) and it felt soooooo good pressing "send payment" over the internet banking instead of staring at the screen despondently.
I still have thoughts of knives in my head. I seem compelled towards them and I know that if I do pick one up that I will cut myself.  It scares me at the same time.  Not sure how to explain this to my psychiatrist as I am in one of my "I am wasting everyone's time" frames of mind and that my problems and thoughts are insignificant. Which is not the grown up and responsible thing to do.
I wish a friend from my past was here to listen to me.  He heard far worse when he did some work for the Samaritans and I think he would not judge me with this situation. But that's like screaming into a cave - the noise keeps whirling around and around but never reaches anywhere.

Chromium for Depression

UPDATE ON CHROMIUM FOR DEPRESSION
Two small placebo controlled trials have shown a role for high doses (600mcg) of the essential mineral chromium in the treatment of 'atypical' depression, characterized by periods of low mood accompanied with carbohydrate cravings, weight gain and excessive sleepiness. (Docharty J et al, J Psychiatr Pract. 2005 Sep;11(5):302-14; Davidson J et al Biol Psychiatry. 2003 Feb 1;53(3):261-4.) 
More recent animal studies have reported an anti-depressant an d ant-anxiety effect of chromium possibly linked to a serotonin promoting effect
(Piotrowska A, Pharmacol Rep. 2008 Nov-Dec;60(6):991-5;  and Khanam R & Pillai KK. Fundam Clin Pharmacol. 2007 Oct;21(5):531-4). Chromium, which is an essential co-factor for the insulin receptor, has also been shown to reduce sugar and fat craving and tends to promote weight loss
, a fact which in itself would cheer the average dieter up. (Anton A et al Diabetes Technol Ther. 2008 Oct;10(5):405-12) In clinical practice we find that 400mcg of chromium, taken in the morning and a furth er 200mcg taken at lunch, produces a mood elevating effect in those with atypical depression. Chromium appears to work very fast with most people noticing an effect within three days. While a larger scale definitive trial is needed, with no toxicity reported below 10,000mcg, chromium is easily and safely tested in those with atypical depression.

Nightmares

Back with a vengeance and about the usual - me chasing someone and them dropping a bombshell on me that I just won't accept.  Woke up at the 3 a.m. slot, crying and feeling distressed.
Really hard to motivate myself today, but I managed to get myself to go to the post office and for a quick cup of tea to see my friend S, who was working, so I give myself a pat on the back for that.  I came home and busied myself with the housework because if I didn't busy myself with something then I would have fallen apart.  I am now curled up on the sofa watching trash TV but feel on edge so have taken my Zyprexa early instead of at bedtime.
I'm a bit peed off with this Zyprexa.  I have put on 12 kilos since taking it and it just won't shift.  And yet the Wellbutrin is meant to make you lose weight, so I thought they would cancel each other out.  The Zyprexa is winning. so I have decided (after my failed attempt at a crash diet this week) that I will go on a detox, then maybe I will stick to it.  This is closely followed by a week's lemonade diet favoured by Beyonce and one of my idols, Cameron Diaz. and they both look amazing.
Just want to get back in shape, particularly as I only have 2 more aerobics classes to teach before the Christmas break and World Cup Ski race in town.  But I will be starting to teach aquarobics so I think I can use the hotel pool where this will be held.
Wish me luck............

Quiet Voice

This gets said to me a lot when I am drinking.  I managed to silence a whole bar with my drunken ramblings on Tuesday. I was pissed off with missing my Emotions Regulation group because I hadn't organised myself with my train and bus pass or money to get there, so had to turn back home. And hit the bar. And the wine was on special offer.  So I drank.
I felt like I was the life and soul of the party, a social butterfly, everyone liked me.
The next day i felt like shit.  I don't remember leaving the bar to go home at all.  I don't remember knocking over the coffee table and contents. I don't remember trashing the bathroom, probably from stumbling around.  I don't remember my boyfriend trying to wake me up when he got in.
And I still don't remember.
I have got to stop drinking. But I don't know how.

Exercise for the soul

It is said that exercise has a positive effect on those with depression and luckily the ski season has started for me.  I spent all of yesterday on the slopes and felt much better for it.  In fact, I felt almost too good which invetably follows a period of being over-confident, loud, obnoxious and "speaking my mind". I elected to go home rather than to my friend's housewarming party, which is another example of how this illness affects my day to day life.  I knew I would "kick off and cause some shit", recognised the signs this time and knew when to quit. Felt disappointed that there doesn't seem to be a cure for that, just management. Then I get scared that this is my personality, that this is who I am but if that is the case then how come I feel so bad about being like that, feeling out of control, hate myself, have no self respect? Maybe I don't know me at all.

Feeling better

And just like that, I am feeling on top of the world.  Maybe it has to do with being able to get my reserve medication, I don't know.  But I still miss my old life although my new life has a lot to offer. I think I always will - I just can't seem to get over it.
Anyway today I have been quite sociable which is good, even though the temptation is to stay inside in the warm and snugness of my sofa-duvet.  I have tackled my paperwork and am on top of it. I have been sort of offered a different job in the winter which would put me back on track financially and I am taking time to do my DBT skills book and review my Emotions Regulation group stuff from the other week. Tomorrow I can go skiing for the first time this season which I am starting to look forward (forward!) to. I just hope tonight I have a more restful sleep as I was so jittery yesterday that I couldn't sit still and was forever doing something and then changing to something else because I couldn't concentrate.  This led to a very unsettled night even though I was very tired.
Am hanging on to the positive feelings for as long as I can.

Not good.

Not good today, feeling really anxious and sad. I miss my old life.

It's still snowing

Is it right to still think about someone in your past when it's clear it's "over"? Sometimes when I compare my current life to before I feel that I'm in a situation that, whatever my situation is, I will always be yearning for something more.
I had "true love" once. I have "love" now.  that's not to say I don't love J, I do very, very much. But it's more like a great friendship than the passionate love I had before with T. But I am very lucky that I have someone who adores me and puts up with all my shit and that makes it hard to leave, if that is what I am thinking at the time.  And then I think if I am thinking that, then I should leave. But for what? I would feel even more lonely than I do anyway.
That's not to say I can't live alone, there are many days when I crave it, but I also crave the dizzy, heady, happy, smiling, passion that is true love.
I had it and I messed up. And I was never given the chance to rectify it or talk it over and purge these demons inside me.
And that's when I want to end it all, because the mistakes outweigh the benefit of life.

J is good for me, he looks out for me, I look out for him and it is comfortable and works, but I could never do to him what happened to me.

Let it snow!

Finally, it is snowing here and so I should have work from next week. At the moment though, I am curled up on the sofa and wishing I didn't have to go and teach aerobics later.  I know I always feel better for it but I just don't want to.  And I have loads more people attending now.
I also appear to have forgotten to reorder half of my meds, so have no Wellbutrin, no Lamictal and no Zyprexa, no Venlafaxine 75mg.  but I feel OK so I will see how it goes.

Last day and other news

I finished at the day clinic yesterday and I felt sad to be leaving.  I survived the feedback round (where you are given personal feedback, the rules being for every negative they have to give you two positives) and apart from the fact that I was "quiet" all was good.  Then I had a meeting with my psychologist and the clinic psychiatrist, who started talking "bipolar" but I didn't quite get what was going on.  To be honest, I was too tired to go into it so I am just going to wait until I see my regular psychiatrist and find out what its all about.
On top of that, I finally admitted my illness to my boyfriend's sister (A) and another friend (S).  I think I can trust them, and A sent me a really nice message to say that it was OK and I shouldn't feel upset or embarassed about it as a couple of friends of hers also have problems.  I feel relief at the moment that the pressure to keep this to myself has eased a little.  Knowing me though, the next stage would be for me to announce it on facebook or something.
Interesting article about bullying and depression - it seems the message is getting out there and I hope that others who suffer from mental illness are treated in a favourable light in the workplace and the message goes out that bullying is unacceptable whether it caused the depression in the first place or whether it already exists.

two days to go....

........and then I finish attending the Day Clinic for the moment. Normally you would stay longer term but I start my ski job on a daily basis. I will miss the group a lot.
I've made good progress with my painting - I'm too much of a perfectionist though and keep adding bits to it.

This Weeks Project

Before my "exit interview" next week from the clinic, I have been set homework of drawing "My Safe Place".
Like I know where that is.

It's a new dawn, a new day and I'm feeling bad.

Am down to 225mg of Effexor as my meds are being reduced and the shock to my system is finally kicking in.  I am having "brain shivers" and in the afternoon I felt my old way of wanting to just disappear (and by this I mean get on a train or bus or drive to anywhere without telling anyone) which I haven't felt for a very long time.  I think there are maybe three reasons why I don't feel so great:
1) Reduced meds side effects (Dr B told me to observe any changes).
2) I was asked yesterday by one of the psychologists whether I liked Christmas. Felt sad about the effort I used to make to have some form of "special" Christmas but i don't bother now.  There seems no point because no-one around me wants to make an effort and so I never get memories of good ones to replace the bad. So I only have the last few in the UK to think about and that makes me sad because they were with my ex and were the best.
3) In my appointment the other day, Dr H refered to whether I carried out risky behaviour.  I said it was all relative and wasn't really sure what he meant, but it hit me today (not sure if this is along the right lines) that:
I slept around after a split from the love of my life
I drank to mask the urge to do wild things, so I could blame the wild things on alcohol (dancing on bars, flirting etc.)
I have been in risky situations and not given a damn e.g. walking alone in a big city at night, ending up at a total strangers party.
I have tried to steal stupid things from pubs like ash trays and other random acts of vandalism without giving a damn.
I kissed another man when my head was mixed up and I lost the love of my life.  I still to this day do not know why I did it but I know it made me feel anything but invisible. Like I was worth something.
I nearly lost two friends because (again when drunk) I managed to upset them/their friend etc.
I do active stuff like Canyon swing, Rock climbing, aggressive ski-ing, paragliding alone without ever having had a parachute on my back before.  In all these, I haven't felt the adrenalin rush i would have had a few years ago, I just do it and don't think of the dangers.


All the above have at times made me feel absolutely mortified afterwards, particularly losing friends and most of all my ex.  What is worse is that I can't forgive myself. Even worse than that, I feel like going out tonight and "causing some shit" like a whirlwind through the village and feel that if I can't that I need to hurt myself in some way instead.  I have hidden my penknife (the scars haven't disappeared from last time), I am typing this sitting right next to my man but just can't articulate what I should be telling him and feel so dangerous at the moment that I desperately want to go to a place where I can be watched and given shit loads of drugs to make me sleep for the next 2 days.
I feel so lonely.  Not like just being on my own, which I like (I am a "loner" anyway), just the hollow feeling inside.
I am scaring myself right now.
I wish this would all go away. But I am trapped by this fucking illness and have fucked up my life over and over and over again.  I can't believe I haven't made these connections before and so now I feel dreadful and stupid and worthless because I couldn't even get that right.
I hope this is just because of the reduction in meds, otherwise I am fucked.

My internet access returns

I didn't think I would have a problem not being able to access the internet from home, but I soon realised that I missed blogging and reading other person's blogs and the internet forums. I have become more reliant on this as an outlet for social contact replacing the need to socialise face to face where I know I will face alcohol being thrust upon me.
I have felt tired this week but in general pretty positive. My Tuesday meeting with Dr H & Mr S. went well. I had been logging my mood on a chart on the internet and printed it out for them so we discussed that. They investigated just what the ratings scale indicate and how accurate a refection that is of me.  It ended up in Dr H getting the ICD-10 and showing me the page for Hypomania.  Hmmm. I have to admit, all the descriptions fit. so now I am really confused as to the implications.  I mean, when I have a good time, I have a really good time - how does this make me hyper? I thought it was just being happy.........

An a step backwards again

Bad week. It started with a difficult appointment with the Chief doctor (Dr. H) and psychologist (Mr. S.) where we looked at my alcohol consumption and reasons why I can't control it or how it makes me feel.  It touched on something from way, way back which sent me in to a near panic attack but it really shook me up.  I quickly dropped into a hole and stayed there for two days, missing one day of clinic because I couldn't get out of bed. Dr. H ripped a big plaster from my inner feelings and I nursed myself better by crawling under the duvet and hiding.  Progress because I didn't turn to alcohol to numb the pain.


I know in the long run that letting these emotions go and understanding myself better will be worth it, but sometimes it's just so damn fucking hard.


I attended the first meeting of the current module in the Emotions Regulation Group (ERG) the same day as the above appointment occurred.  I didn't participate very much, because I couldn't get my thoughts together, but I have homework to complete and so have taken on board effective interpersonal skills. One thing still doesn't sit well with me - If I follow a "formula" as to how to behave, how will I be able to let go the real emotion i.e. getting angry as this is replaced with calm negotiation? It seems a bit, well, like mind control "you will act as I say" mentality. Still ruminating over that one.

Progress

So I spoke to J about my issue with the poisoned dwarf.  Verged on the edge of a panic attack but managed to control myself and speak clearly.  I did the old "When you....I feel" routine but he still got a bit defensive which tapped on my insecurities hence the near panic attack.  I don't want him to change, I don't want him not to be friends with who he wants to be friends with, I just feel he doesn't support me with this issue.
Emotion regulation group starts on Tuesday so it will be a long day, however, I am hoping it will be beneficial to me - I will try anything to "get better".

Can this year get any worse (?) and other clinic news

Played with puppets last week.  Not kidding. It's some kind of art therapy.  I made a witch. We had to first make up a background for our puppet and introduce it to the group, then "play" in groups of three which were videoed. We also took a picture of our puppet with an appropriate background for the puppet. 
It gets worse.
We then had to take the puppet and "talk through it" to the Wednesday group meeting (which I hate with a passion) in front of the psychiatric team.


I had a bad weekend.  The slapper of a cow who letches over my boyfriend all the time wound me up so I ended up drinking too much and having a row with J.  I have had two conversations with Herr B. & Herr. S about this and we have worked out some strategies.  I am aware of my behaviour and the choices I need to make, but at the same time I know sometimes I simply don't care.
Anyway, my blood test came back OK for the liver protein test or whatever and I am not an alcoholic according to that (discuss).
Bloody amazing really and doesn't help with the craving to self medicate with alcohol, just gives me another excuse to drink because it is "OK".
Today I was pleased with myself in my efforts to join in the group.  However, there is one member of the group who winds me up something chronic.  He's rude, no manners, invades personal space and doesn't apologise, is disrespectful - I could go on. He winds me up so much that I try to keep away from him but this isn't always possible and I am itching to slap him. Grrrr. He brings out the aggression in me.


Good news though, I was thinking about my progress this year (despite it being so shit) and I really think my moods are becoming more stable, there certainly isn't as much of a drop or "high"  (i.e. normal) as before. Maybe the meds are in the right combination now.  I hope this is going to continue. It has really helped me being in the day clinic and I have revived my interest in art therapy - I actually seem to have a creative side which I never had before!!! (not since school anyway and I wasn't that good then).  Maybe the chemicals in my brain have swapped round so that my logical organised side is effed up but my creative side has developed! 
I am just sorting out the bills now so that my insurance will pay the bills; if I have to leave the clinic right now I think that would be another setback for me.

Relapse

I returned to the clinic yesterday morning after a "trying" weekend.  I had a row with my boyfriend about the Liverpool Poisoned Dwarf and was still stewing over it so by the end of Monday I was fuming and ready to let rip with not only him, but anyone else who dared to cross me.  Rage is a strange thing to explain - I feel my chest and throat tighten and the term "my blood boiled" is a very effective way of describing the feeling. Anyhoo, did the usual and went and got drunk. Yep, alcohol of the red wine variety in enormous quantities.  It didn't help that my friend working behind the bar kept filling up my glass without me asking (I know that she does this and yet never stop her) and before long I was staggering home with J, fell asleep on the sofa, only going to bed 2 hours later (and tripping over a large old style TV in the process - house moving).  That's 5 hours of my life. Gone! Vanished! All because I have no control over my drinking habits.  There is a strange sense about me that I don't even care, but the pragmatic side knows that I must or it will only get worse and I will repeat the errors my dad made.  So time to grow up and face facts, I cannot drink alcohol in a controlled manner.


I had my weekly meeting with my assigned person, Herr S. who I feel I can trust. We had, in the previous week, completed an exercise in which we were looking at difficult situations and how we reacted to them and were asked to complete homework.  The argument with J and the subsequent alcohol consumption was a perfect example of when feelings go wrong. So we discussed how I dealt with the situation, what feelings and emotions I was experiencing and considering alternatives.


What came out was that I had a choice at the crossroads and needed to take the other path away from alcohol. I realise I cannot stop at one glass, I know I can abstain from alcohol (as I did Feb 08 - Feb 09) and I don't want to go down that road.  My strategy for this week is to get to Saturday without alcohol.   Afterwards, I will try for the next week and so on.


I also have problems with my health insurance - there was an outstanding bill which was pretty bad, but now they want shit loads of money in back-payments which were refunded to me before they will pay my day clinic fees.  I am sure I am up to date and cannot find any premiums or reminders of premiums that are unpaid.  I see the sozialdienst (social services) tomorrow or Friday and hopefully they can advise what to do.

Why only perfect people should have children

Yep, am being sarcastic too.....


http://psychiatrist-blog.blogspot.com/2009/10/only-perfect-people-should-have.html


...........but no worries, the extermination squad can rest easy, I have no intention of having a child for the following reasons:
1) It is predisposed to depression, something I wouldn't wish on anyone, child or not
2) Has a crazy mother (me)
3) They don't appear to have kidderies i.e. like catteries but for children (well, maybe without the cages) for when I go on holiday.  And I really can't face the prospect of a week package holiday at a "family friendly resort with babysitting service" among other teeny tinies covered in ketchup, poo and snot. Don't do nappies either.
4) although I bond well with children (apart from my nephews who are never allowed to stay in the room alone with me for more than 30 seconds so I never have the chance to), I actually quite like handing them back at the end.  A 3 hour ski lesson can wipe me out sometimes after being so upbeat and cheerful because I really want them to have fun. I know realistically I couldn't do that 24/7 even though my boyfriend, J, would certainly help. 
5) I have no maternal instinct at all.  Now people say it will kick in, my older brother seems to think that I am "getting a bit old" to be having kids (!!!!!! I am 34!!!!!!) but really, I have spoken to two of my friends who became pregnant accidentally (one finding out at 5 months) and both said pregnancy was awful and even then until the thing was pushed out were still in denial.  That's nine months of my life I can do without. One even said to me that while she wouldn't not want her child, if she could have had an abortion she would have done.  And she was 39 when her boy was born.


Isn't it a shame that I feel I have to justify my reasons for not wanting a child.  But really, despite what my family want me to do, I am simply not interested. Yep, OK, that could be seen as selfish.  But why the hell not? Why can't I be selfish? You only get one life (unless you are Bhuddist which i am definately going to be so that I don't fuck up next time round) so we keep getting told, so why should I spend it working my ass of to be dictated to when I can take my holidays by the school, forking out a small fortune in throwaway toys and clothes and generally falling into the day in day out routine of mundane mortgages, cars and careers. That's why i left the UK - I couldn't do it as an adult ohne kinder so I can't see how I could manage with. I like to pick up a bag and go on holiday to Nepal or Canada or whereever when I like, with whoever I like.


I don't hate children - some members of my family believe that I do.  If I did, I wouldn't be teaching them to ski or to swim. I just want to be accepted for who I am, not who people think I should be.

Moving on.....

Friday was unfortunately very rainy and is normally "exercise day". In the morning we went for a walk along by the river and back again. Then we had brunch Swiss style: bread, cheese, meats, yoghurts, orange juice, coffee, very nice but as I have a weakness for bread there wasn't enough for me! Tried to limit to 4 slices. 


Afternoon we played board games again because it was still raining - the board game we played was one I had played before and I clearly couldn't react quick enough for cross-eyed and grumpy S, who I think would have punched me if she could.  I don't know if it was because she was getting impatient or whether it was because I couldn't remember all the rules because I haven't played it for ages, or maybe it was her meds, but I was wavering a bit (especially because I was getting tired and had been in a really good day for me mood-wise with loads of energy).  I quickly recovered myself by putting it to the back of my mind - my mind keeps jumping at the moment anyway.


I spent today with my boyfriend, painting and cleaning our new apartment (although it was already clean, I can never settle until I have cleaned the new place myself). It was good.  I didn't feel stressed out and haven't felt overwhelmed by thinking about what we have left to move.  In fact, J is probably more depressed than me at the moment - he has been in a hole all week - the difference is our roles of support are reversed.

Raffia work anyone?

I am in the Day Clinic in the nearest town a week early because mysteriously a space became available after Dr I.S. made a phone call (after all, he is the boss).  I kind of new what to expect but it's day 4 and already I've had traumas.


Day 1 was fine, I was 10 minutes late (there's a surprise, who can't read a timetable?) and I interrupted the Monday morning review of the weekend but everyone was very welcoming.  I was assigned a "buddy" to help me settle in.  One of the patients is from the village where I live and we have followed that code used between us mentalists not to let on to other people that we are both a bit crazy. We had kind of movement therapy in the morning and I can't remember much about the afternoon except for DBT stuff and then I had my appointment with Dr B. He is nice but I missing my psychiatrist already and am a bit distrusting of new people.  I tried my best with the German but was nervous and the word order came out wrong. Got home and started rereading all the German words I had forgotten from before which describe feeling crap.


Day 2 also good.  We were allowed to play with clay (yippee my favourite!) and so I made an ashtray.  Actually, all the smokers were making an ashtray - if you ever need one just go to Psychiatric daycare, there are plenty. Tuesday afternoons is a games afternoon. I usually kick ass at "Uno" but have rapidly discovered that there are people out their with way better tactics than me. Trivial Pursuit - forget it.  I think if I could read the question it might have helped me but the answers were impossible anyway, all swiss history and the like. anyhoo, bowed out but listened intently.  End of afternoon coffee break was loud, raucous and I was feeling really tired from concentrating by then, as I always am whatever I am doing.


Day 3 (yesterday) - Not good. Morning I was given the task of drawing how I feel. I won't describe it here, would take too long to explain, but it kept my mind occupied for a good couple of hours.  I needed to be kept occupied because I was already anxious from the day before about the meeting which we all have with Psychiatrist/Psycologists/therapists etc. Oh hell, lets just add in the cleaner, the gardener, the prostitutes from next door etc. as when I say the above, I mean a meeting with 5 (or was it 6? Too many to count) personnel in the room. I had to go in, show my half finished picture and then ask questions or be asked questions.  Like, no pressure or anything (note sarcasm). Of course, my head then went into overdrive and I could hardly put an english sentence together let alone a german one and for some reason became horribly embarassed of the fact that I would be speaking German in front of my Psychiatrist.  Bet they're laughing at me behind my back. It was HORRIBLE. And we do this every week. Shit. Shit. Shit.


Then, my bresprechsperson and I had a meeting and basically he brought up the following issues:
1. Was my german good enough, because I hadnt spoken german in the torture room. (I think it's good enough and certainly not brilliant, even worse when I am put in a situation way out of my comfort zone.)


2. Did I worry about people taking the piss or going on about how an auslander should know the language by now etc. etc. etc. (Not really, when you have been purposefully tripped up by a work "colleague" with a full tray of drinks, the same person who ignores you every day and basically tries anything to point out you don't belong here, I am so over it. This is a whole other rant I could go on, but it's not for here. I mean, I'm not saying it doesn't upset me sometimes, if I am upset then everything will upset me, but if I was going to find it a big problem then why on earth would I have said yes to going to the tagesklinik.  Maybe I should stay at home cutting myself and staying in bed all day.  Maybe they are trying to tell me that I don't belong.  But it was like, all right, enough already! And now I have that obsessive thought that people don't like me, that people don't want me to belong and that it would be better to get rid of me so that someone on the waiting list can go instead.  Someone with perfect umlauts or something. Whatever. So now I want to speak even less because I am paranoid someone has said something. 


Leaving post, got myself all in a tizz again.

Baby, did you forget to take your meds.....?

Went to the apotheke (chemist) today to pick up a new prescription for Zyprexa. I was listening to my psychiatrist the other day but have forgotten - I think this will replace the Wellbutrin - ah well, will find out soon enough.

Anyway, scary chemist lady (not the nice lady owner) brought out a sheaf of papers of info about all the medications I have. She asked me which ones I have (so I listed the 7 or so and whether they are in reserve/daily etc. while she looked disapprovingly at me) and then proceeded to tell me about all the interactions between them, including Effexor and Wellbutrin which according to her is not a good mix.

Hmm.

Funny, seems to have worked so far without any rashes, diabetes or brain haemorraghes or whatever they cause - pretty much everything judging by the leaflets - am guessing Big Pharma cover their arses by listing every condition imaginable (except Lupus, "it's never Lupus" - House M.D.)

So I stood there taking all this information in at the same time justifying why I am taking the medications that I take. Then the irritability set in - hang on a minute, isn't my Psychiatrist the expert and she someone with the equivalent of an NVQ in making TNT? I know which one I trust thankyou!

So apart from adding to my anxiety, irritability and general fear of her, I suppose it was quite sweet that she had my interests at heart and is clearly that bored between tourist seasons that she has time to look up the notes on the computer. And Buddha help me when I have a cold as they will only ever give me Paracetamol, (surely not the wisest medication for a wavering suicidal mental wreck?) which must take them ages to research. Even my Housedoctor was looking for something for a cold and gave up after page 4 of the contraindications for Lamictal.

So, J is on skin rash and cramp (presuming she means DVT) watch, just what he needs when he is recovering from an appendix operation. Although today he has been an absolute sweetie (which he is most of the time) by bringing me cups of tea and cooking dinner while I am a lazy arse watching Erin Brokovitches Amazing Women on Zone Reality.

Get Well Soon

I love this link:

http://www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mentalhealthinfo/getwellsooncards.aspx

Like a sodding card will fix it, would rather be given back my mobile phone and get lots of SMS's as opposed to having it locked up after 8pm (when my family and friends in the UK are home from work and have time to talk to me). Waiting for post from the UK at the present time with the snailmail strikes just adds to the all familiar depressive state of disappointment.

Nah, Just open some internet cafe's in psych clinics (with restrictions for the porn addicted) and connect us to the outside world once in a while.

The only cards I want are those containing money like my granny used to send at Christmas.

Procrastinating

Really, really should sort out my sleep pattern. It's late and I am still reading random stuff on Wikipedia (my latest addiction - fascinating stuff about everything), no doubt J is pissed off (I can hear him snoring in the other room) because I haven't gone to bed yet. But this is one big area where we differ - I am a night owl, he is an early bird. Not normally a problem but at the moment I have no inclination to do much other than sleep and so am making the most of my waking hours, however inconvenient they are. Not helped by the fact that J bought me a bottle of wine and 3 glasses of that certainly don't help. I've told him he is not to buy any more junk food, alcohol etc. that I like because I am trying to go healthy - can't keep eating Coop chocolate popcorn for my dinner (even though it is yummy).

Pick up keys for apartment today (Thursday), bit nervous, what if it is crap after all?

Sounds like a plan....

So my appointment went really well (for me). I have got a review of my medications, can start the day clinic next week (seeing as I am not on holiday) and have had shit loads of bloods taken for testing (not sure what for but certainly my thyroid again). I feel quite positive today, although a little muddled in where to start first with paperwork, bills etc. I think I need to start being a control freak with my post and deal with it straight away. The trouble is, I am very good at making lists and sorting things into relevant piles, I'm just not very good at the actioning bit.

I also need to sort out a year round job - after my appointment with the RAV (unemployment office) last week, I seriously need to get my act together and start applying. Have already failed my target last week of 2 jobs. I just keep looking at my "intray" (cardboard box) and it looks just a little bit too much right now. My best way of dealing with being overwhelmed is, well, to go and have a "power nap" for three hours or so and then tackle stuff head on. When I am motivated. Which I kind of am right now but am using my energy on procrastinating on the internet instead of doing stuff I should be doing. I'm doing a good job of convincing J that I am job hunting now that he is home from his appendix operation and noticing how much I am on the internet.

Not thinking about next week. I'm sure I will be fine, of course I will. There's nothing to be anxious about except my brain being fuddled and completely forgetting how to speak any German whatsoever.

I had a really sweet phone call from a friend of mine this morning - I had sent her an SMS to say I would be "off the mountain" next week and did she want to meet up, because I would be in the nutty clinic. She phoned me to say I wasn't to call it that and that I wasn't nuts. Nearly made me cry in a kind of happy sort of way. Sometimes I really feel cared for.

Psycho appointment

Got an "emergency" one in a couple of hours so hope my Psych is looking forward to half an hour of ranting about how shit meds are, that I am raging and irritable and what is the bloody point.

Hope he enjoyed his holiday.

Anyway, don't think I will be getting a financial incentive to take my medication - I mean, what is that about? If I get to a stage where I refuse to take them I think it's time to go to the nutty room. Well, I need a holiday and at least I get to do some "therapies" like painting paper black, making stuff out of clay that can be thrown at the wall etc.

Life

Hate it. Off to self medicate. Would've asked for more meds at hospital but it wasn't clear where to go.

And then it all goes downhill.....

So lunchtime, J walks in after going to the doctor for three days worth of trapped wind to find he is referred to the hospital with suspected appendicitis. Spent 5 hours waiting while various tests done and me translating for him. He hates hospitals and was not best pleased when they told him the appendix had to go.

J hates a fuss when he is ill and so was insistent it was not a big deal. My insecurities were playing on my mind as everyone who I have loved that's gone to hospital hasn't come back out. Added to this, J couldn't see the point of me hanging around and said I could hang around if i wanted but that I might as well go home. Kick in rejection sensitivity. So while I am hiding being on the verge of tears (after all, J was the one having an operation) doctor "Axel" comes in with the ECG/EKG to say that it was not normal and could indicate a heart problem. Cue J going into denial, thought would be best that I didn't mention it for now.

Dr Axel phoned me after the op to say J was fine, I am 1.5 hours away and one hour before the last train up the mountain is due, wish I had stayed with friend in valley but can't deal with the thought of being with people but am equally lonely. Just me and the cat. And J won't let me pick him up from the hospital tomorrow.

Upbeat

I think the meds are working. I have a lot of energy and am surviving on 6 hours of sleep - unheard of!! I have been getting up voluntarily before 7 a.m. - unheard of! Had a couple of wobbles around 4ish like before but apart from that I am upbeat at the moment.

Moods

No Holiday. Too late to get a renewed passport except for an emergency one. Have let my friend down - she has been looking forward to this for months now. So my mood has dropped from the top of the mountain to about a third of the way up from the valley floor - at the moment is stabilising there.

The local RAV (unemployment office) have just phoned me - I have to go tomorrow for the "information day" which all unemployed scum have to attend. I then have the humiliating task of a one to one interview where my health is sure to be probed. Starting to feel anxious now. I think my cat is picking up on it because he is a little bit flighty today.

Shorter post than the last one (no, really....)

You may have noticed my blog has turned pink. This is my attempt to be all girly and also to brighten up my posts. Something about colour therapy.

The last few days I have been pretty hyper (for me). Up before 7 a.m. (unheard of normally) and stay awake the whole day - I am getting so much stuff done!! I never knew there were so many hours in a day! All this despite a cold.

I really, really, really do not like the Lamictal stuff though. Am convinced that the drenching night sweats are down to this although I can't find much evidence of others experiencing this on the internet reviews I have found. I still have new spots appearing on my face every day. My bf tells me he still loves me anyway, but I feel so ugly and unsexy. And bloated. And I never really worry about my weight these days, don't even know how much I weigh, but I am definitely a heffer at the moment.

Waiting for my Psychiatrist to get back. How dare he have a holiday like right now!! No, I am pleased he is having a well earned rest with his family but I miss not having an appointment with him this week. The doctors at the day clinic said I must phone if I have a crisis, or in a major crisis go to A&E, plus my GP did to. I always tell them of course I will, followed by the statement that I say that to stop them telling me to contact them because I know I never will because I convince myself that I am a) wasting their time, b) am clearly feeling sorry for myself and should just buck up my ideas and c) my bf probably won't let me for fear of me being locked up.

Tackled the hoooooogggge pile of bills, got them organised, know where I am financially (without a paddle) and finally built up the courage to talk to J about it all. I showed him a budget I had drawn up for the "fresh start" in the new apartment. He didn't seem that impressed, more impatient and that it was too much hassle for him. Could I simplify it? OMG is a joint account for bills a little bit excessive? I told him it was up to him but it was a way of making sure we had bills paid and some in reserve for emergencies rather than scraping around when a bill comes in. I pointedly put on how much money he has left over after all bills but didn't mention it but he did say that most of it was spent on food shopping which he and I both know is bollox but he was getting tetchy.

This, combined with the cold and sheer worry about how I can tell my friend that there is no way I can go on the holiday she has been looking forward to all year (no money, no passport, no money to get new passport), can feel myself starting to dip. Everywhere is so loud at the moment, can't get any peace to think.

Also had a message from an old friend who gave me a brief (unasked for) update about an old lover/flame/The ONE which I was eager to read but sad to hear he seems stuck in a rut. If only I hadn't fucked up and we were living out our dreams together like we planned.

The past is the past and all that crap.

Outpatient Clinic: How the appointment was and other non interesting things

Am just taking five minutes out from a kind of "dinner party" as I want them to leave. They all sound like they are having fun but I want them to leave now. Grrr. Feeling a bit aggressive right now.

So, I had my appointment on Monday at the Tagesklinik (day clinic) run by a very fast speaking German who did say I had to tell him if he spoke to fast. I arrived there in good time (tick) and was greeted by Herr S (can't remember his name) who seemed vaguely familiar but I wasn't sure why. Turns out he used to work at the Psychiatric clinic where I had stayed two years ago although he didn't remember me (of course not, I wasn't in any groups to remember as my German was not so good then). I was there for about an hour being assessed as to, well, I don't know really, whether I am good enough, the right calibre, not too mental? I just want to make raffia stuff (as my boyfriend keeps teasing me) so that I am not at home thinking about stuff. So, I think I passed as I have been accepted (and was told my German was good but of course I know that when I get upset that I can't concentrate or think straight and I know they were just being nice). Felt a bit drained afterwards but met up with a friend and did some retail therapy just for good measure.

I have been waking up every night for the last couple of weeks or so in a cold sweat and when I say sweat I mean bedbath. I have too change the bedclothes every day, even if I wear PJ's. Is this a side effect of the medications? Seems to have started with the Lamictal now I am on the "full dose" as per my plan. I am currently on (start raising eyebrows now as have the clinic and my "GP" and my chemist:

300mg Venlafaxine (a.m.)

300mg Wellbutrin (a.m.)

50mg Lamactil (a.m.) 50mg (p.m.)

In reserve for emergencies: Rivotril (at .5mg a pop), Seroquel (up to 100mg)

Yeah, quite a lot. Even my Psychiatrist (I hope he is having a great holiday, it must be so boring listening to mentalists all day - am sure I would be saying "just get a life will you!") has said it's a lot so we are going to review it when he is back. I want to push for some kind of mixed plan so I have meds, group therapy and day clinic for activities. If none of that works, well, certify me and throw away the key! No hope!

As for the group therapy, I am starting the "Emotions Regulation Group" in November which I am strangely looking forward to. I know I can be all over the place and although I accept this condition a lot more than I used to, I still need to work on effective coping strategies and I know I will feel more enthusiastic (probably the competitiveness me returning) about formulating and sticking to a plan.

Embarassingly I had to "sign on" today. Oooo, was sooooo embarassing and thank goodness there was no-one in the office when I was doing so. Had to say I was going to Tagesklinik (bring on the "not going to show a reaction but being really careful what I say" look. Anyway, I have a Welcome to being unemployed pack which my boss has to fill in (problem: he is in Alaska until end October which is not known for fast communications) and now feel under pressure to sort that out too. Thought maybe I can work on a strategy in the clinic in one of my "free" times. All I want is enough money for a train pass but they seem to insist you have some kind of pay for being out of work, which I don't think I deserve because I am an Ausländerin (foreigner).

This all starts when I get back from "holiday" (another story).

So, I also have developed what I would like to call mild Swine Flu. Well, I suppose it's just a cold really.¨

Enough woffle, really must learn to keep shorter posts.

Decisions - to work or not to work

My dilemma is this:

I am now "unemployed" from my two summer jobs.

I have, in the last 3 days, found some work via a friend paid on an as needed basis as I am "as needed" according to the weather and volume of tourists.

I have an appointment at the Tagesklinik (outpatient day clinic) on Monday with the expectation that following I attend for two full weeks then on a planned basis.

I have not much money at all, so should really be working, plus I enjoy the job, but it is unstructured which is not good for me.

I need this money to attend the day clinic (travel, materials etc.) as I don't think my insurance will cover it.

I might have work now, but none in November

My health overrides anything else - the clinic is to help me with this.

So at the moment I am mulling all these thoughts. Can't decide : Work vs Klinik

Good day, good night

I have had quite a productive day and am giving myself a pat on the back for effort. The cat is asleep on the sofa next to me (he seems to worry if I haven't gone to bed at the normal time!) and I am multitasking (watching The Island on ITV2+1, seen it at cinema) as well as surfing the net for jobs and people out there.

So I tackled those stupid little jobs that have to be done before you move house, such as emptying random drawer of crap and keeping what needs to be kept, not the junk that has accumulated. J laughs when I do this, he says I just move it to another room - I suppose he is right in a way but at some point there is the last room in the apartment so I will have to tackle it at some point. I have moved house approx. 34 times in my 34 years so am used to it, but find it unsettling too. J is excited about our new apartment, he sees it as a fresh start, a turning point in our relationship as the other apartments we have lived in haven't felt like "home". I'm not mega excited, well I am pleased to be moving and have a new "project" but am already on an efficient moving home drive and getting obsessive about it.

Cat now lying on his back with all four paws in the air - he looks so cute when he sleeps like that. I wish I was a cat, I could certainly sleep enough to have been one in a former life.

I haven't needed my "emergency meds" today - I thought I would about 4 hours ago but I persevered and have got through it, am too tired to think about more than one thing right now, so as I am typing I am distracting myself from the many many churning thoughts.

Wow, I typed that without the churning thoughts breaking through even though I was writing about the churning thoughts. Surreal moment.

I started making a "Happy Book" today, J had a quick look and liked it. Basically, all my hopes, dreams and (happy) real life moments are put in there - like pictures of houses I would like to live in, someone with a flat stomach (thats a dream not a reality), piles of cash, pictures of cats, quotes that cheer me up, song lyrics etc. I got the idea when I was thinking about what I could put in an "Emergency Box" and looked on one of my nutter websites. Some people listed all sorts of things and I have had a burst of creativity. My Psych suggested this a while back as well as some other tasks I have written down and can finish tomorrow (now the printer ink cartridge has arrived) and it gives me another thing to focus on.

Ran out of one of my meds so had to run to the chemist this afternoon and beg my lovely chemist lady to order some more without prescription. Apparently this is kind of normal in Switzerland, but she is very supportive anyway, always asking me how I am and letting me practise my language skills. Today she realised I must have been in a tiz cos I spoke english immediately. She will phone me tomorrow when they arrive (around 10 a.m.). I really need to get organised with them (how many times do I say that?). Anyway, as I ran to the chemist I realised I had short sleeves so the mess I made on my arm last week would be on show to everyone. Shit. Had to come up with an excuse in case anyone asked so I came up with that i had burnt my arm. Crap excuse I know but enough of one to distract whoever was asking.

Can't stop picking at it though.

I hope positive mood lasts. It has to, will be locked up otherwise.

Something for the weekend

Had my Psych appointment yesterday and had to go through the whole embarassment and guilt of last weekend. Got some temporary meds for weekend and now lots of thinking time as I finished work today. J not happy at all, he is not into drugs or doctors. Anyhow, we talked a bit more after my appointment.

I think my Psychiatrist is really busy at the moment, he seems a bit stressed, or maybe he is sick of the sight of me and my whinging. Wouldn't blame him if he was - I'm sick of myself.

So I am allowing myself tomorrow to mooch about and do housework then spend some time with J. From Monday I will have a plan in place so that I stick with some routine.

That's the plan, will report back on the reality.

Am I being oversensitive?

OK, OK, so I have felt better today until the afternoon and an email from my brother via facebook. Then I went through anger, tears, resignation that I am crap etc, etc. It all stems from a fb page I did as a laugh for my best mate who was screwed over by her boyfriend big time. He also stole some inheritance money of mine which I had lent to my bezzie mate for mortgage arrears. Apparently, well...read for yourself:

If this guy is as much of a dick as he appears to be then I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of thinking that you give a toss about him enough to even think about him.

If he's taken money then small-claims court him and be done with it, he'll have a CCJ then. If he hasn't then aren't you in danger of harrassment here? If people looking at your [work] stuff also see that there is an [me] waging a hate campaign on someone very publicly online then I'm not sure that sends out a good message.

Patronising c word is all I can come up with. My brother is 3 years younger than me by the way. I mean, yeah I know I'm mad but he could be a bit more sympathetic towards me, or is that me being selfish or something. Sent him a snotty email back:

Thanks for that. At least my Psychiatrist will get his moneys worth tomorrow. It's not a "hate campaign" and why is it OK for some people to say horrible personal stuff about me yet I am not allowed to protect my best mate by telling the truth. If he wants to sue me he can try, we'll be quits then. But maybe you are happy with him pissing Nanna's hard earned savings up the wall. And yes I know I am being oversensitive, I have ATYPICAL DEPRESSION, Wiki it.

Me
(Not sent in anger, sent in I'm tired of suffering this horrendous illness and just about functioning but at least J looks out for me and have supportive friends on fb)

Just to explain, my older brother sent me a horrible, horrible email at a very emotional time calling me horrible, horrible names and accusing me of things I haven't done or relate to the person that I really am. Added to matters which finally got me sent to a psych clinic. He said he had sent it in anger. He said he had held a gun to his head and hadnt thought of me. Since then everyone has been on his side totaly and he seems to be allowed to say anything about me and accuse me of things that piss him off. None of us except my younger brother were told about the gun thing. Now I am more open about my depression (everywhere except where I live and the immediate people around me). But not one member of my family flew over to see me in the clinic (I was there 7 weeks). Not one sent me a card or letter or anything of support except my godmum. My sister phoned once but most communication came from me outwards. My boyfriend was and still is shocked by this and (poor thing) he had all the stress and weight of this with no support from my family. Just me, him and our GP.

I have calmed down now but am still very sad. What pisses me off is there is always someone criticising how I react or how I feel towards something that I no longer trust my own feelings or who I am.

I am actually really looking forward to my Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I really need it.

It continues...

So now I am in the long sleeves to hide the self inflicted scratches on my arm and am mortified, embarassed at myself. Thank goodness the weather has turned cold so I have an excuse to be in jumpers.

The reality of Saturday has crept in. It has not been talked about between him and me, it's hanging over me like the sword of Damacles. Found out today that not only was he in the festival tent until about 9.30 latest (so 3 and a half hours after I left, SMS's etc) but then went to the local nightclub for half an hour. Walked one of my friends round the corner to home.

I am raging - if you are thinking that I think he's been with my friend that's not it at all, she is in lust with someone else and I trust J completely. It's the total lack of support which he said I need to tell him when I am ill. Next time I will remember to shout it across the tent.

I must be such an embarassment to him. I am embarassed about myself. I am still crying three days later (and am at work right now), I can't breathe and can't even take a Rivotril to calm me down because I took them all on Saturday night. (I have checked and I can get hold of one more bottle). I feel so alone.

How can I feel so sorry for myself when I no longer have a self to feel sorry for?

How much rivotril?

Bad night because:

Trade event in village. Was going to go but chickened out at last minute, found boyfriend at the bar, told him wasnt staying, he didnt notice my red eyes I suppose but he usually spots that there is something up if I don't want to stay. All the girles had been there already for hours and I didnt feel comfortable with the alcohol or listening to crap nonsense chat that drunk people do. Went home, cried a lot. Tried distraction techniqes, even wasabi didnt work, reading reminded me of ex, so did crossword.

Friend had already phoned not long after I had got home and made me promise I would go and find her at this trade fair. I lied and said I would - she was clearly drunk already. I had no intention of going and sent my boyfriend an SMS to tell him so, that I felt fat and stupid, everyone was drinking and that could he tell everyone to leave me the hell aloneas I was feeling bad enough as it was and didnt want to ruin everyone's fun. "Ok" was his text back.

Two hours later when I am feeling really anxious cos J hadnt called or anything. He told me to always let him know if I didn't feel right which I thought I had with a)the fact that I went home straight away and b) the SMS i sent saying how crap I felt. He told me earlier he was working and probably wouldn't be out long anyway because he was bored already (this was before I left work). Watched House MD as distraction, Hugh Laurie reminded me of ex boyfriend. Tried sleeping, couldnt sleep. Played with cat. NOTHING WORKING. Only one thing for it.

Clearly J wouldnt be back until he was pissed, so as I am not missed, take penknife (which must sharpen as does fuck all), remaining Rivotril and keys to the town ( I work a lot of places). Wanted space to think. Two hours later when people kept phoning me and me diverting call to anserphone, sent J an SMS teling him to leave me alone. He came back to pool really angry (he had already searched tere for me), so felt even more crappy. Clearly the SMS from earlier telling him how shit and fat I felt didnt have an impact, despite him telling me to let him know.

Didnt know what to do, couldt calm down so started rivotril, only 12 in bottle I think. J would not take me to doctors when he found me so I guess no harm done. Walked like a drunkard (even today) but slept well.

Another crazy week but slightly better

Plans, plans, plans. I never seem to get round to actioning them anymore. For example, I have s fitness goal, a monetary goal and three health goals. I plan out a week to include working towards these. So what happens - I just don't do them.

I don't know whether it is because I don't care (because it is all meaningless) or because of years of pushing myself and achieving a lot has caught up with me that I no longer have the energy or drive. If someone were to ask me what would "make" me happy (nothing except for some sort of positive relationship with my ex, but his actions show he's not interested so I will have to keep crying about that one) I would list all the above goals I have for myself. (Of course, nothing can "make" you happy, only encourage you).

It's like I don't know who I am anymore. I did until seven years ago when everything fell apart although the positive thing is that I finally convinces a doctor that I wasn't right in the head and started getting (wrong) treatment for depression.

But at least I haven't wanted to slash my wrists this week! Although I did my usual last Wednesday and got drunk until I dropped. Suffered until yesterday, my boyfriend saying good because it might put me off next time. I said that the only thing that will stop me is to not go out. No-one here just wants to do anything without alcohol being involved.

Monday Morning Blues, Tuesday Teatime Tears

Ok, Ok, baaaaad weekend. Not only did I struggle to get home on Friday in one piece (collapsed on the kitchen floor in tears much to my cat's confusion), the same again Saturday, both times boyfriend not available as there was a big mountain race (well, marathon) and he had to work. He found me Saturday night very happily drugged up on the sofa until he woke me up, I realised I was meant to be working at the cinema and he went off really, really cross with me (I think, couldn't take much in). It has not been spoken of since.

Sunday morning when I finally got out of bed (as far as on top of the duvet rather than under it) he brought me a cup of tea, asked me how I was and then it hit me, SHIT, THE WORLD STILL EXISTS. Which set me off in tears again. Couldn't even talk. Moved to sofa to cry instead. J jumping around not knowing what to do. Am sure he is getting fed up of me - he must be, I'm sick of me.

Anyway, he dragged me for a walk in the afternoon (me dragging my heels, hat down as low as possible, big sunglasses and large ski jacket despite the sunny day - the theory is, if i can't see them, they can't see me, bloody hot though). I suppose it made me feel better but I didn't feel a marked improvement, would rather have stayed in bed asleep except I couldn't damn well sleep without taking more drugs.

So back to the Friday night. I had planned after a suggestion from my Pschiatrist to have an emergency "kit" for these situations. Wasabi (wierd but works) - check. Didn't work. Tried more, made me retch (which I was already doing because I was crying and hyperventilating). Tried distraction. Washing up? No chance, couldn't get rid of those thoughts going round and round my head and the fact I was trying to make myself concentrate on what I was doing just exacerbated the fact that I was doing that task to distract me from the thoughts going round and round my head. Stopped when I felt dizzy (plus the washing up had not been washed up well enough). Move to bed. Lie there sobbing into duvet. Cat concerned. Cursed my ex-life and my ex for getting into my head all the time even though he doesn't know it.

And I just don't know why. And I can't talk to anyone about it. And he won't let me talk to him about it and won't even indulge me with some kind of acknowledgement if I do try to talk to him about it. So I am going more crazy with thoughts of who he might be now (if its a young, blond haired lawyer who acts like she's 12 years old then I will be even worse - there is no way I could cope with that as I will constantly compare myself and even though I know I am way better I will still criticise myself) even though that is unfair, but I realise that I am crap and can't wait for him forever however much I want to (I will end up looking like the complete twat while he is laughing at me in the wings) and so try to let life go on.

Not much better today. I should feel better because most of my days at work are filled with friends coming in to see me, but I end up feeling annoyed and aggressive and trying to hide it and then running home and hiding because I can't cope with socialising.

Crap. I think I really am mad. so if the drugs I am on at the moment have stopped working, what's left for me? (No-one even dare talk about having my head fried - I absolutely draw the line at that.)

Bad bad days

Yep, it's negative old me again. Wish this rain would stop, doesnt really help.

A few ups and downs this weeks, and the downs have been really really downs. I feel like everyone around me are the crazy ones and I have to check myself to see if I am still real. Today was a classic and an experience I havent had for a while. It goes like this:

Already wound up this week about being pushed out of a get-together, I think i have genuine reason but as its me it gets blown out of all proportion, hence the self doubts come in, guilt, hating self, noone like me etc, etc. Then this evening went into local bar (no alcohol-well done me), sitting there chilling and looked around at the people around me and felt.......nothing.....like it isn't my world. Then started to feel anxious and wanted to just be in a quiet place and alone, so went home. Just about got home before started crying, tried to distract myself by doing the washing up but that is really hard to do when I can hardly breathe as I am hyperventilating plus can't see because of the tears. Collapsed on the kitchen floor for a while as the cat looked on concerned (or maybe hunger). Got it together just about, am meant to phone someone when I am like this but didnt want to make a fuss when I am pronbably overreacting to something, although I dont know what that something is (although a broken heart is still the most likeliest cause).

Went to bedroom to grab tranqs, ended up pulling at hair and desperately trying to calm self down. Took a massive dose of Seroquel so that I wouldnt have the roundabout thoughts in my head and hopefully my brain would feel as shut off from the world as the rest of me.

Anyway, eventually calmed myself down, pissed off that my "coping strategies" didnt realy work and I really really really tried to get myself under control, so now feel even more shit about myself.

What happened to my sunshine life by the sea and surrounded by lovely people? Those lovely people no longer want to know me, the people who I thought were lovely people currently around me have not been very lovely despite my efforts and my family are strangers to me and I can't deal with them anyway. So where do I go from here? I just feel so tired and lost without my "One". Which is a bad situation. Why do things have to turn out this way? Why do I forever fuck things up with this fuzzled brain, why does everyone dismiss me rather than listen to my motivation or reasons for doing something? Am I a doormat? I know I am strong inside but I just dont trust who I am anymore, I dont know who I am anymore and there has only been one person in my life who knows me inside out that could tell me who I was and could be now, but doesnt want to know me.

So my conclusion after all this is that I have no place in this world. I will be invisible. No-ones heart would be torn apart if I left. If I thought it would be, I would stay and work this out.

So, how are you feeling?

OK, so I had my psych appointment on Friday and I actually felt really good for a change. I was confident I could tackle my debts (ooo00 paid loads through internet banking straight out of my pay!!) although hadn't realised quite how far behind I was with my Psych bills - oh well, all paid now. Felt a lot hungover but I think I avoided mentioning it quite well and the Powerade hangover cure worked. Then I went out the Friday night as well although it was my friend who was absolutely hammered and not me.

I cant seem to stop the drinking - I know I really shouldn't because of the meds but I don't seem to give a damn right now and am walking a thin line. I promised myself september 1st to give up - we'll see tomorrow.

Friends

Ok, I admit I find it hard to trust people and to make friends, but I feel very sad today that I have lost some friends whom I have made effort to keep in touch with. One is not a friend but seems to have crept into my place as a best friend of someone important to me. He never speaks to me now and I don't know what to say that will bring him back to me. This makes me cry a lot at the moment.

One "friend" from last year seemed to ask a lot of personal questions of my (kind of) nephew about my relationship and then proceeded to ask if my boyfriend was up for an affair.

But I think I have made a good friend this summer. She doesn't "know" of course, I still don't tell people about me after the last time, but she is fun to spend time with. She is also absolutely no "threat" to me (when I get this in a low state) and we spend most of the time plotting how to get the man she is in lust with.

I'm probably not the best person to ask because even five years later I cry most days about losing the love of my life. Thats when I can't forgive myself, for handling things badly and not getting treatment many many years earlier. These are the thoughts which run through my head when I am in a bad place that no tablets or penknife or hair pulling can take away. Today is one of those days and I am very, very sad. My heart hurts.

Will this ever stop?

Ok, Ok, been feeling really tearful the last couple of days. One, because I have had a friend here to stay who has done eff all, no washing up, cleaning, nothing, not even stripping her bed before she left. Grrr. Two, went to the Schuldensberatung today (debt advice). He was really helpful and basically said I am earning under the minimum wage for Switz and that I am over qualified for the jobs I am doing, that I should be looking for full time year round. Yeah right. Loads of those jobs here right now.

I decided on the train on the way back that I really don't like myself and don't belong anywhere. I don't feel like I fit in-is this normal? It's all well and good for friends to say, "oh me too" but I mean the real feeling of being absolutely totally alone and on ones own. Nothing seems real around me. I have no idea who I am anymore and everything I struggle to achieve just goes to pot - FACT, no matter what spin people try to put on it. In two minds what to do.

Drinking again

Really shouldn't. Really really shouldn't. I drink far too much in one go, end up making a complete tit of myself and feel like crap the next day. Plus it's not strictly recommended on the meds I am on (Venlafaxine 300mg, Wellbutrin 300mg, seroquel up to 100mg, latriwahtever no idea how many milligrams as changes each week).

So the new meds (Latriwhatever) are building up slowly in my system and last week I had the headache from hell. Can't decide whether its from the new meds or from sitting in the sun for 2 days in my lifeguard job. Anyone?

So this week have sat in the shade, slapped on more factor 50 and no headache as yet. Actually, that's not true - just remembered I did have a headache yesterday afternoon and thought it was a thunder storm coming in (a headache is my early warning system for storms - maybe its cos I live at altitude). Well, whatever.

My medical insurer has kicked me out of their membership because I am behind on my premium payments. So I have one more week to come up with an alternative plan and there is no guarantee that the new insurer will give me a low premium. either way I am stuffed.

Why can't I move on?

Because he's The One.

Because we had some very good times together

Because I don't believe he has had a better time since and is being stubborn to admit it.

Because I still love him and think of him every day.

Because I don't care about his faults and guilt.

Because I am back to being the "me" he knew and loved.

Because we are meant to be together.

Because we both messed up, me as well as him, and I don't care - forget it and we can get over it.

Because tough times are part of real life and we were too young and didn't understand relationships.

Because I can't.

I think my cat is as mad as me

I've started writing quite a lot recently - stories, experiences, diaries - anything really. I'm obsessed. Maybe it's my own therapy, I don't know, but it's the only thing keeping me from thinking about my past and love lost. I can't function properly. My skin is really bad at the moment and I am getting lots of spots on my chin, I've been eating loads and just can't stop, so my body is not at the top of my list of favourite things, usually I am not that bothered and relatively happy with what I look like.

My cat is chasing round the apartment at the moment, leaping about the walls and running up and down the corridor - I wanna do that! I want to scream and rage and leap and punch and scratch and bang my head against the wall to stop these thoughts forever. I'm tired tired tired of it, no-one will ever truly want me because of this horrible illness - who wants to put up with that. I always knew I would be better on my own, but my life experiences have made me so untrusting and insecure in myself, I need the security of some kind of love to stop me from harming myself. The difference is that my current boyfriend is a pretty good listener and the first one i have told about my self harm. The others before (even "the One") didn't know in the 5.5 years we were together or the 6 months after we split although the harm came out in other ways (drinking to unconsciousness and allowing myself to be "used" for sex promiscuously, but this can wait for another time).

Sometimes I am so tired of this life and I don't kow what to do.

Moods

Why can't I bloody shift it? Keep crying, want to block my mind, even trying to distract myself isn't working because I can still think and can't concentrate on the task at hand. Am useless.

So how's the treatment going?

Well, so far there have been "no noticeable" side effects of the lamactil or whatever it's called (interesting raspberry flavour though, not nice when you've just brushed your teeth before bed) but seeing as I have been caking on the factor 50 I haven't had any sun reactive rashes (so far....).

Had a psychiatric appointment last Friday. Wasn't really in the mood for talking (plus I was tired from my boyfriend dragging me up the mountain the day before and have the prospect of working the next 8 days in a row) and had been feeling a bit tearful and depressed about how beautiful the world is around me sometimes. Wish I was in the UK living again on the islands off Cornwall, but I don't think that's going to happen or be right for me - it will just be running away again.

But I like running away.

So listening to my iPod on the way to the appointment and on the way back the songs were getting more and more towards the Radiohead end of things. My boyfriend noticed when I got home that I was not "right" and waited until the initial tiredness of sorting my brain out after my psych appointment before asking me how I was. the thing is, I am finding it more and more difficult to express how I feel and am sick of the sound of my own voice. Just want the world to go away. Anyway, J gave me a long hug and let me cry on his shoulder, then made me a cup of tea. this last bit is significant - he hates making cups of tea.

My experience of a Swiss Psychiatric Clinic 5

Morgenrunde was just an excuse to get us out of bed. In Ost 1 this was to allocate tasks to us for the day and to remind us of appointments. Here it was different. 15 of us in a circle in the “living room”. The gong would sound (one of those brass bowls rested on a patchwork cushion) and an exercise would be read out by whichever nurse was dedicated to that day (usually the trainees). Luckily the card they read from was in Hochdeutsch so I was able to understand a little more.

I think it was meant to be for relaxation before the day began proper, but as I didn’t like the groups I found it difficult. Plus I was always translating in my head, picking out the words that I knew and following the exercise, occasionally peeping under my eyelids to check what everyone else was doing. It didn’t relax me! I had to concentrate on understanding the German and if there was a word used repetitively that I didn’t know I would peep through my eyelids to see that everyone else was doing – also, I didn’t like having my eyes shut in a group of people. Anyhow, it was compulsory to attend and I would have paid anyone to get out of it – half an hour extra sleep would have relaxed me more.

My favourite one was the “in and out” breath. We had to imagine our breath was a colour and focus on the action. Mine never changed from black. Breathe out the badness from within; breathe in a grey air that was bringing more badness into me.

Of course, I always ended up next to Mr Letch or Danny de Vito so couldn’t relax anyway in case one of them brushed my thigh. Plus some exercises were plain ridiculous (standing and doing something like the hokey cokey in the guise of energising) and just didn’t do anything for me. Either way I usually ended up more tense than before . It was hard not to drift back to bed afterwards; I’d traumatised myself that much.

I did try, at the beginning. It just wasn’t something I found helpful to me in a larger group. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. And on Thursdays we had double dose! Morgenrunde plus in the afternoon a station meeting, all compulsory. Each morning after the relaxation exercise the patients of the station met for 15 minutes as a group, led by one of the nurses. In Ost 2, this was to volunteer for housekeeping jobs each day (keeping the kitchen tidy, taking the compost out, collecting the meal wagon for example) and to run through who had appointments that day or to book in appointments with the doctor. In Des Alpes 3 each Thursday afternoon we had the real “housekeeping” meeting, again to allocate washing up tasks and so on, to welcome new people and confirm who was leaving. Another reminder that I was stuck here for another week. I could see some benefit to all meeting together – at least I knew who was on our floor and so we were a loose “team” ready to help each other out, but I wasn’t into the crowd thing. Morgenrunde was an unnecessary interruption to my morning, I wasn’t keen to be surrounded by people until at least 10 a.m. No, I much preferred my solitude in the mornings but was well aware I was being watched all the time.

The station occupied the fourth floor of an old hotel and its layout was fairly similar. Perhaps ten en-suite twin and single rooms branched to the left and right of the corridor. At the centre of the corridor facing the front of the building was the “common room” with sofas, an up to the minute TV & DVD player, stereo, books, games and a long dining table (not used for dining). Complete with laminate wood flooring it was cosy but modern. A small balcony jutted out and was a smoking area.

We had a small kitchen complete with microwave oven, hob, fridge freezer (and knives!) but mostly on my part to make decaffeinated or vanilla tea although I didn’t object if anyone tried their hand at cake making. When someone was allowed to leave after their “term”, leaving chocolates for the remaining was expected. Then the curiosity followed as to who would arrive next and I would hope it wouldn’t be some weirdo – I am very untrusting of strangers as when I have trusted them it has flown back in my face. Keep myself to myself and be pleasant was enough for me.

Further along the front facing part of the corridor was a washroom and the nurses’ station with ante-room for meetings. Opposite was a smoking room (no EU ban for Switzerland although I have heard some UK psychiatric wards still have smoking areas – not sure if that is true) and more bedrooms. My room was opposite the common room and seemed to be large compared to some of the other rooms. The bathroom was certainly six times the size of my bathroom at home. I say bathroom, but in fact there was no bath. I guess in terms of not enough space or maybe they didn’t want us topping ourselves. I didn’t mind – we could request a bath housed in a separate room and nurses would prepare scented oils which were very potent but relaxing. Not quite a luxury health spa though! 20 minutes was recommended for a bath after which I guess you could become intoxicated on the wierd and wonderful bath mix that had been made up for you.