Saturday, 27 June 2009

Drugged and disorderly?

Well things were getting a bit much for me last week and I was munching the tablets like Maltesers.

The first thing was I was cranky with my boyfriend. Don't know why, he hadn't done anything wrong. This of course put him in a mood, which then made my mood worse because I knew it was my fault and I was raving inside about the domesticicity (is that a word) of a relationship.

I then had the humiliation of an appointment with the Swiss social services as my bank account is seriously in the minus (overdrafts are the exception rather than the norm) and I have no access to any money at all and have been living on Prix Garantie Pasta for a week. (Don't anyone dare give me a lecture about carbs because it will go straight back at ya). Herr M. was very pleasant but I am sure that he was really thinking "another Auslander (foreigner) taking our taxes." He gave me some advice and a leaflet to make an appointment in a town about an hour and a half away from home who will be able to help me. So I left, red eyed, wondering where the hell I was going to get the train fare from and took a seroquel to calm me down. Unfortunately I dropped a 100mg instead of 25mg and didn't really notice at the time. This was on top of the Rivotril from before the appointment. Really should check those numbers.

By the time I got back to the village I was feeling a bit drowsy and thought it was probably due to the anxiety of the appointment and the subsequent stuff I needed to do. In the meantime the bills are still piled up - theres not much I can do except look at them - like my boyfriend says, its happened so there's no point worrying about it.

I called in on my colleague in the shop where I work part time (one of my five part time jobs) and we talked about the schedule for the upcoming week. I could feel my eyes drooping and I was really struggling to keep them open, while all the time I was thinking, "please shut up because I have to get home now". Eventually I escaped, got home and crashed out on the sofa. Apparently my boyfriend was already home but I didnt even notice him. When I woke up two hours later I felt groggy and numb - not a state to teach aerobics in. Managed to type and SMS to the attendees saying I was ill. J not happy. Gets cross with me and I have no reaction - too tired to speak or have any emotions. Went to bed and left him to do whatever blokes do of an evening.

It didn't fare much better the next day - the weather was shit, so no work at the swimming pool. That means no pay. No pay means more struggle top pay the bills. More struggle to pay the bills means more seroquel to stop me thinking about them.

And then things were OK, had a sunny day at the pool, the kids didnt play up at all, until I went for one drink after work. Which turned into a few and a very large bar tab which I still don't have the guts to ask how much it is. Might see how long I can get away with that one.

The next day I had one of my creditors phone me up at 6 in the evening and he was screaming at me down the phone, calling me a liar, saying that he was going to make sure I never get credit again in Switzerland, that I will have a black mark against my name etc. etc. I must admit I was quite calm. I told him that my situation has not changed, that I still dont have the money and that screaming down the phone at me doesn't change the situation. He carried on screaming, getting more threatening and saying he knew where I lived and was going to turn up on my doorstep. Now that could be interesting - J was in the British Army and lets just say is pretty good at....erm.....self defence, particularly where I am concerned (god I love him so much). The creditor has been warned. I had to put the phone down on him in the end because I could feel him starting to get into my head. The Swiss take not paying sooooo personally. Its ridiculous - I thought I could pay and then didnt quite have enough to pay. I offered a payment plan, he refused. So I've now had the nasty official letters through before court action or something.

Anyhoo, enough of my financial crap and lets concentrate on something else, like how crap I am in general. Oh yes, the innercriticvoicesinmyheadunconsciousmind is becoming more frequent. I've tried the telling myself positive stuff but what a load of bullshit that is, because of course its not true so I can tell myself a million times, its still not going to change the fact that I am crap.

Tried a new workbook about DBT. It looks really good, but I can't even get past the first chapter. Something about radical acceptance. So thats that then. Failed.

My scars and nicks and cat scratches are starting to heal and I am really trying not to pick at them but its really hard at the moment. Why does my psychiatrist have to go on holiday right now?

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