Tuesday, 24 May 2011

Finally 8 hours sleep

.....and felt better for it although a little groggy.  At least I got up at a reasonable hour, trouble is, don't know what to do to fill my time....

This is ridiculous

Surely after 10mg zolpidem and 50mg seroquel should be feeling slightly tired? 2 hours and waiting......

Sunday, 22 May 2011

Stillllllll nooooo slleeeeeep

So i finally got some temesta (lorazepam) from my doctor and it does nothing to help me sleep. Nothing. Doesnt make me feel sleepy, only slightly tired but not enough to send me to the land of nod.
It has left me with raging paranoia when i wake up and a feeling of fearful sadness. And after i had taken my dose for sleep i had this bizarre feeling of awareness of being alive and in my dkin, breathing, which freaked me out and sent me hiding under the covers. Methinks back to doctor tomorrow.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Still no sleep

Well not at the right time anyway. I was awake until 4am and slept on and off until 2pm. Am sick of this. I have a doctors appointment tomorrow and i think i will ask him for some sleeping tablets for a couple of nights, if he'll let me have them. Otherwise it's CSI repeats and reading books.

Sleep won't come

Its after 3am and still i cant sleep. My sleep patterns are haywire, i am awake into the early hours and sleep in til midday. Usually seroquel helps to calm my mind so that i drift off but its not working tonight. Reading a book hurts my eyes but doesnt make me tired. At a loss what to do. Herbal tea hasnt helped either. Maybe i should ask the doctor on wednrsday for some sleeping pills for a couple of nights just to get me back on track. Wish i was my cat who has been sleeping on my bed for the last 6 hours.

Thursday, 12 May 2011

Just passing time

My mood has been pretty stable of late and I have been feeling......well.........hopeful.
My unemployment status has not changed, but at my meeting in the unemployment office the other day, Frau S was really nice and helpful.  Seeing as this is the third time I have attempted to be unemployed scum I found it quite a refreshing attitude.  Mind you, my Psychiatrist had written her a letter - don't know what he wrote but it worked.  Maybe she thought I was going to stab her or something...........
Anyway, she asked me if I was able to work full time and that if I wasn't that it wasn't a problem.  The RAV (as it is known) expect you to travel some considerable distance for a job but she said if I had travelling time then I could work part time rather than stress myself out with working full time AND travelling. Wow - wasn't expecting that.  I asked whether there was any option of retraining perhaps in computer skills and she suggested the ECDL course (which I want to do), but first she would look at my application pack (a dossier you send to employers) and take it from there, but that there was no problem in retraining so that I could be more integrated into work.  WOW again!  Also, she said if the unemployment benefit was not paid for any reason then I was to go to Social Services who would support me.  All in all a very positive meeting and I came out of there feeling less pressurised as my job hunting has not been successful so far and I was getting worried that there would be nothing for summer.
At the same time I have been looking into costs for moving back to England.  Not cheap, but I need to know how much it would be so I can save up.  My biggest worry is getting my cat back to the UK and I feel sick at the thought of even getting him transported, he will be so scared. (He's curled up on the bed at the moment looking all sleepy and cute).
J has not been too annoying, apart from Sunday again he had no food so I snapped at him and then he told me not to worry about it, he would get some somewhere - like where, I said?  So I fed him again but I think he got the hint when I ranted at him to get himself organised.  Yep, he'd been paragliding again.  Then his first quarter tax bill came through for about 3000chf so he is sulking.  Anyway, I took half my money back from his tax account because I need it, and the health insurance money from his bank account.  I did tell him (and he knows I have access to his bank account through internet banking or I would never get it back) and really, there wasn't anything he could say or do about it.  Like I said, I am prioritising ME now.
It looks like my health insurance problem is progressing.  My social worker phoned me last week and said that insurer 2 would pay the money back, but to me and not to insurer 1.  I said this wasn't acceptable as I did not want to be in control of all that money and that it means insurer 2 absolves responsibility by paying it back to me instead of to insurer 1.  Then today I have had an account status sent through by insurer 1 saying they owe my boyfriend the balance of 2009.  Not totally sure what's gone on but it looks a bit strange.  Must speak to Frau G about it when I meet her next week. Just can't wait for the mess to be over.
Been keeping myself busy by reading a lot of mental health blogs and there are some harrowing stories.  My heart goes out to you all as I have been there and know how hard it is.  Luckily I am in a better place at the moment and holding on to that, but I know at other times I will go back to being in the depths of despair.

Wednesday, 4 May 2011

Holidays

I had holiday booked for the second week of April.  Originally it was for me and J, but after the split that wasn't an option.  So my schoolfriend of 20 years, E, begged an emergency off work to accompany her nutty friend to Cornwall.  We had a brilliant time.  I used to live there before coming to Switzerland and hadn't seen my friends for 6 years so there was a lot of catching up to do - I had a social life, people WANTED to meet up with me!  E looked after me very well and was amused to see how forgetful, clumsy and disorganised I am these days (she is a control freak but in a nice way).  She looked after me well, getting me cups of tea and glasses of water for my meds, checking I took them every day.  I think she gets it from her mum (who is a retired nurse) but it did make me feel like a lazy slob.
It was great to relax in beautiful surroundings after a hard winter, sunbathing and walking.  I didn't want the week to end but eventually it had to.  We drove back to Sussex and I re-packed to return to Switzerland the next day. Crunch time came.  I cried.  A lot.  I didn't want to come back.  I didn't feel like there was anything to come back to (except my cat).  E, being the practical bird she is was brilliant again and talked me through some options.  What were my reasons for staying in Switzerland?  Would it not be better to get some long term security such as a regular job instead of seasonal work?  Would I like to come back to the UK?  She offered the option of me dossing with her until I got back on my feet, perhaps getting a job with the council or the NHS and then transfer back to Cornwall if that is where I wanted to live.  I suddenly felt strong enough to start planning for my future.  I do want security of my own and not just through men. I do miss my friends.  I do miss my social life. I miss having fun.
So i have a year's plan in place - first, I need to get my enormous health insurance problem sorted out.  My Social worker at the psychiatric service has been brilliant in helping me with this and is arranging a meeting with some debt people next month (and will go with me).  She has also got supporting evidence from my psychiatrist to support my situation should there be objections from the health insurers (I say insurers because I am in the unthinkable position of having to pay 2 insurers which is not allowed in Switzerland - it is the insurers' mistake and they are trying to dump a debt on me that I don't owe - slightly more complicated than that but I am caught in the middle and being given the runaround by the insurers and the debt administrators).
Second, I have to get a job back in the UK.  My HR knowledge is so out of date that I need to do something now to get back on track so I have some chance of getting a decent job.  I've also been looking at improving my admin skills (touch typing, ECDL etc.) which I can do quite cheaply.  Also, I am currently registered unemployed so I may be able to get sent on a course through them.
Third, I need to save as much money as is possible over the next year so that I have something to fall back on in the UK and maybe have enough for a deposit on a flat (hmm....house prices gone crazy since I left) - a goal to aim for.  I reckon I could save about 500 pounds a month so in a year I would have over 5000.
I told my psychiatrist my plan.  He asked what if I met someone else and I told him that NO-ONE will get in my way this time.  Too many times I have given in to my boyfriends plans and dreams instead of concentrating on me. No, the new me will not be influenced by another man.  I will achieve my goal.  He suggested I have difficulty saying no and he is right.  Last week, J (my ex) asked if he could borrow a substantial amount of money to pay his tax bill because he didn't have any.  This is money I have put aside to sort out the health insurance debt problem and pay of the difference so it is really important that I have it ready.  But he seemed so desperate that I thought the nice thing to do would be to lend it to him.  So he paid his bill.  Then announced that he was going to continue his paragliding training (which his sister paid for the first part 500 pounds because he didn't have any money) and this will cost over 3000 pounds in total for all the gear, training and flights he has to do.  Amazingly, he seems to be able to find the money to do this! Bastard!  Am NOT amused in the slightest and can feel the anger building up whenever I think about it.  THEN he phoned me on Sunday to show him how to log into his training book on the paragliding course website (which I did) and then asked if I had any food (the whole of the village is shut on a Sunday so you need to get yourself organised and buy your nosh the day before).  So I cooked for him.  I AM A MUG! JUST SAY NO is my new mantra.  Although I have complicated things by being his fuck buddy over the last two weeks.  Not the best of ideas, but I am totally confident that we won't get back together, not since I have been replaced by a parachute and not since I have realised that he manages to find money for that but in six years never took me out for a romantic meal or some other paid activity.  And don't get me started on our Nepal holiday in 2008 (plus paragliding basic course) which I paid for from some inheritance money I had through.  I am so angry that my opinion of him could change so much and see him for the selfish cunt he really has been.  It's hard to call someone that when they are so nice but I am at the end of being nice right now and sick of only being phoned when he wants something.
So let's just say my mood is pretty stable right now - permanently angry.
One thing that worries me about returning to the UK is the level of care I will get from mental health services as I am used to a pretty high standard.  I realise I will probably see a psychologist and not a psychiatrist for a "chat" but I have no idea how the system works over there.  Hopefully E will look into this for me as she works for the NHS.
Talking of the NHS, I did experience going to my old doctor's when on holiday.  I didn't pack my Seroquel because I didn't think I needed it, but when I bumped into someone who I was told was my exes ex-girlfriend I started getting repetitive thoughts and remembered stuff about my ex (the love of my life, THE one) and couldn't cope.  It didn't matter that she looked like a dog with sad hair and clearly new who I was (I sparkled in public but behind closed doors I was a mess), it didn't matter that I didn't even bump into my ex (he knew I was coming so probably avoided going out), but what did matter was imagining them together.  They only managed six months and I know it is hypocritical of me to say so when I was with J for the last 6 years, but T is the one I will always love wholeheartedly and still believe we are meant to be together, even though this is an unrealistic plan and never going to happen.
Ahh well, to bed now, just me and my cat who is banished to the house for another couple of days before I can let him out into his new environment - harsh but necessary or he will just run off.