Monday, 31 August 2009

So, how are you feeling?

OK, so I had my psych appointment on Friday and I actually felt really good for a change. I was confident I could tackle my debts (ooo00 paid loads through internet banking straight out of my pay!!) although hadn't realised quite how far behind I was with my Psych bills - oh well, all paid now. Felt a lot hungover but I think I avoided mentioning it quite well and the Powerade hangover cure worked. Then I went out the Friday night as well although it was my friend who was absolutely hammered and not me.

I cant seem to stop the drinking - I know I really shouldn't because of the meds but I don't seem to give a damn right now and am walking a thin line. I promised myself september 1st to give up - we'll see tomorrow.

Tuesday, 25 August 2009


Ok, I admit I find it hard to trust people and to make friends, but I feel very sad today that I have lost some friends whom I have made effort to keep in touch with. One is not a friend but seems to have crept into my place as a best friend of someone important to me. He never speaks to me now and I don't know what to say that will bring him back to me. This makes me cry a lot at the moment.

One "friend" from last year seemed to ask a lot of personal questions of my (kind of) nephew about my relationship and then proceeded to ask if my boyfriend was up for an affair.

But I think I have made a good friend this summer. She doesn't "know" of course, I still don't tell people about me after the last time, but she is fun to spend time with. She is also absolutely no "threat" to me (when I get this in a low state) and we spend most of the time plotting how to get the man she is in lust with.

I'm probably not the best person to ask because even five years later I cry most days about losing the love of my life. Thats when I can't forgive myself, for handling things badly and not getting treatment many many years earlier. These are the thoughts which run through my head when I am in a bad place that no tablets or penknife or hair pulling can take away. Today is one of those days and I am very, very sad. My heart hurts.

Monday, 24 August 2009

Will this ever stop?

Ok, Ok, been feeling really tearful the last couple of days. One, because I have had a friend here to stay who has done eff all, no washing up, cleaning, nothing, not even stripping her bed before she left. Grrr. Two, went to the Schuldensberatung today (debt advice). He was really helpful and basically said I am earning under the minimum wage for Switz and that I am over qualified for the jobs I am doing, that I should be looking for full time year round. Yeah right. Loads of those jobs here right now.

I decided on the train on the way back that I really don't like myself and don't belong anywhere. I don't feel like I fit in-is this normal? It's all well and good for friends to say, "oh me too" but I mean the real feeling of being absolutely totally alone and on ones own. Nothing seems real around me. I have no idea who I am anymore and everything I struggle to achieve just goes to pot - FACT, no matter what spin people try to put on it. In two minds what to do.

Wednesday, 19 August 2009

Drinking again

Really shouldn't. Really really shouldn't. I drink far too much in one go, end up making a complete tit of myself and feel like crap the next day. Plus it's not strictly recommended on the meds I am on (Venlafaxine 300mg, Wellbutrin 300mg, seroquel up to 100mg, latriwahtever no idea how many milligrams as changes each week).

So the new meds (Latriwhatever) are building up slowly in my system and last week I had the headache from hell. Can't decide whether its from the new meds or from sitting in the sun for 2 days in my lifeguard job. Anyone?

So this week have sat in the shade, slapped on more factor 50 and no headache as yet. Actually, that's not true - just remembered I did have a headache yesterday afternoon and thought it was a thunder storm coming in (a headache is my early warning system for storms - maybe its cos I live at altitude). Well, whatever.

My medical insurer has kicked me out of their membership because I am behind on my premium payments. So I have one more week to come up with an alternative plan and there is no guarantee that the new insurer will give me a low premium. either way I am stuffed.

Sunday, 16 August 2009

Why can't I move on?

Because he's The One.
Because we had some very good times together
Because I don't believe he has had a better time since and is being stubborn to admit it.
Because I still love him and think of him every day.
Because I don't care about his faults and guilt.
Because I am back to being the "me" he knew and loved.
Because we are meant to be together.
Because we both messed up, me as well as him, and I don't care - forget it and we can get over it.
Because tough times are part of real life and we were too young and didn't understand relationships.
Because I can't.

Tuesday, 11 August 2009

I think my cat is as mad as me

I've started writing quite a lot recently - stories, experiences, diaries - anything really. I'm obsessed. Maybe it's my own therapy, I don't know, but it's the only thing keeping me from thinking about my past and love lost. I can't function properly. My skin is really bad at the moment and I am getting lots of spots on my chin, I've been eating loads and just can't stop, so my body is not at the top of my list of favourite things, usually I am not that bothered and relatively happy with what I look like.

My cat is chasing round the apartment at the moment, leaping about the walls and running up and down the corridor - I wanna do that! I want to scream and rage and leap and punch and scratch and bang my head against the wall to stop these thoughts forever. I'm tired tired tired of it, no-one will ever truly want me because of this horrible illness - who wants to put up with that. I always knew I would be better on my own, but my life experiences have made me so untrusting and insecure in myself, I need the security of some kind of love to stop me from harming myself. The difference is that my current boyfriend is a pretty good listener and the first one i have told about my self harm. The others before (even "the One") didn't know in the 5.5 years we were together or the 6 months after we split although the harm came out in other ways (drinking to unconsciousness and allowing myself to be "used" for sex promiscuously, but this can wait for another time).

Sometimes I am so tired of this life and I don't kow what to do.

Monday, 10 August 2009


Why can't I bloody shift it? Keep crying, want to block my mind, even trying to distract myself isn't working because I can still think and can't concentrate on the task at hand. Am useless.

Sunday, 9 August 2009

So how's the treatment going?

Well, so far there have been "no noticeable" side effects of the lamactil or whatever it's called (interesting raspberry flavour though, not nice when you've just brushed your teeth before bed) but seeing as I have been caking on the factor 50 I haven't had any sun reactive rashes (so far....).

Had a psychiatric appointment last Friday. Wasn't really in the mood for talking (plus I was tired from my boyfriend dragging me up the mountain the day before and have the prospect of working the next 8 days in a row) and had been feeling a bit tearful and depressed about how beautiful the world is around me sometimes. Wish I was in the UK living again on the islands off Cornwall, but I don't think that's going to happen or be right for me - it will just be running away again.

But I like running away.

So listening to my iPod on the way to the appointment and on the way back the songs were getting more and more towards the Radiohead end of things. My boyfriend noticed when I got home that I was not "right" and waited until the initial tiredness of sorting my brain out after my psych appointment before asking me how I was. the thing is, I am finding it more and more difficult to express how I feel and am sick of the sound of my own voice. Just want the world to go away. Anyway, J gave me a long hug and let me cry on his shoulder, then made me a cup of tea. this last bit is significant - he hates making cups of tea.

My experience of a Swiss Psychiatric Clinic 5

Morgenrunde was just an excuse to get us out of bed. In Ost 1 this was to allocate tasks to us for the day and to remind us of appointments. Here it was different. 15 of us in a circle in the “living room”. The gong would sound (one of those brass bowls rested on a patchwork cushion) and an exercise would be read out by whichever nurse was dedicated to that day (usually the trainees). Luckily the card they read from was in Hochdeutsch so I was able to understand a little more.

I think it was meant to be for relaxation before the day began proper, but as I didn’t like the groups I found it difficult. Plus I was always translating in my head, picking out the words that I knew and following the exercise, occasionally peeping under my eyelids to check what everyone else was doing. It didn’t relax me! I had to concentrate on understanding the German and if there was a word used repetitively that I didn’t know I would peep through my eyelids to see that everyone else was doing – also, I didn’t like having my eyes shut in a group of people. Anyhow, it was compulsory to attend and I would have paid anyone to get out of it – half an hour extra sleep would have relaxed me more.

My favourite one was the “in and out” breath. We had to imagine our breath was a colour and focus on the action. Mine never changed from black. Breathe out the badness from within; breathe in a grey air that was bringing more badness into me.

Of course, I always ended up next to Mr Letch or Danny de Vito so couldn’t relax anyway in case one of them brushed my thigh. Plus some exercises were plain ridiculous (standing and doing something like the hokey cokey in the guise of energising) and just didn’t do anything for me. Either way I usually ended up more tense than before . It was hard not to drift back to bed afterwards; I’d traumatised myself that much.

I did try, at the beginning. It just wasn’t something I found helpful to me in a larger group. I couldn’t wait for it to be over. And on Thursdays we had double dose! Morgenrunde plus in the afternoon a station meeting, all compulsory. Each morning after the relaxation exercise the patients of the station met for 15 minutes as a group, led by one of the nurses. In Ost 2, this was to volunteer for housekeeping jobs each day (keeping the kitchen tidy, taking the compost out, collecting the meal wagon for example) and to run through who had appointments that day or to book in appointments with the doctor. In Des Alpes 3 each Thursday afternoon we had the real “housekeeping” meeting, again to allocate washing up tasks and so on, to welcome new people and confirm who was leaving. Another reminder that I was stuck here for another week. I could see some benefit to all meeting together – at least I knew who was on our floor and so we were a loose “team” ready to help each other out, but I wasn’t into the crowd thing. Morgenrunde was an unnecessary interruption to my morning, I wasn’t keen to be surrounded by people until at least 10 a.m. No, I much preferred my solitude in the mornings but was well aware I was being watched all the time.

The station occupied the fourth floor of an old hotel and its layout was fairly similar. Perhaps ten en-suite twin and single rooms branched to the left and right of the corridor. At the centre of the corridor facing the front of the building was the “common room” with sofas, an up to the minute TV & DVD player, stereo, books, games and a long dining table (not used for dining). Complete with laminate wood flooring it was cosy but modern. A small balcony jutted out and was a smoking area.

We had a small kitchen complete with microwave oven, hob, fridge freezer (and knives!) but mostly on my part to make decaffeinated or vanilla tea although I didn’t object if anyone tried their hand at cake making. When someone was allowed to leave after their “term”, leaving chocolates for the remaining was expected. Then the curiosity followed as to who would arrive next and I would hope it wouldn’t be some weirdo – I am very untrusting of strangers as when I have trusted them it has flown back in my face. Keep myself to myself and be pleasant was enough for me.

Further along the front facing part of the corridor was a washroom and the nurses’ station with ante-room for meetings. Opposite was a smoking room (no EU ban for Switzerland although I have heard some UK psychiatric wards still have smoking areas – not sure if that is true) and more bedrooms. My room was opposite the common room and seemed to be large compared to some of the other rooms. The bathroom was certainly six times the size of my bathroom at home. I say bathroom, but in fact there was no bath. I guess in terms of not enough space or maybe they didn’t want us topping ourselves. I didn’t mind – we could request a bath housed in a separate room and nurses would prepare scented oils which were very potent but relaxing. Not quite a luxury health spa though! 20 minutes was recommended for a bath after which I guess you could become intoxicated on the wierd and wonderful bath mix that had been made up for you.

Sunday, 2 August 2009

Sleep at last!

Slightly amused as have just watched an episode of House where a patient hasn't slept for 10 days and they try to find out why. Luckily, I am now sleeping much better - not sure if it's because of my conversation with Psychiatrist or because am trying to stick to a routine or a combination of both. Got my dose of Seroquel to the right level now and also have a new medication to trial - Lamictal - on top of my others. My depression is having mini cycles so this is to try and stabilise my mood. If it works then my Psych will overhaul all my meds so that I don't have so many to deal with. Boyfriend not happy about it - says that every med I am given is said to do this or that and it doesnt seem to work because I then get another one. He's not a medication kind of guy, more of a grin and bear it (or grin and whinge about it to everyone more likely). Of course, there are always side effects - one being that I may find I tan/burn more easily in the sun (yeah, gonna look sunshimmered as I tend to tan), the other being that I might be overly sensitive to the sun and get skin rashes, the most serious one being blisters for which I have to stop straight away and get a jab from the doctor to counteract it. Oh joy. I work at the open air swimming pool two days a week so instead of enjoying the free tantopup (yes, i know I know, wrinkles etc.) I now have to slather on the Factor 50, wear a hat and sit under the brolly. Grrr. Kind of tried half and half yesterday because sunlight is good for depression - right?

Feeling better than I did a week ago except for being anxious and obsessive about stupid stuff but I can deal with that at the moment. I had an appointment to talk about going to a "feelings regulation" group, in German but I think I did OK because she thought it would be a good idea for me to attend. Really want to go but looking at my schedule for work I think I am going to have to join the October module, when I have a gap between summer and winter season.

Better start tackling the bills. This may change my mood somewhat.