Sunday, 15 April 2012

Angry Days

I am angry. Very irritable and angry. Because?
Actually, I have no reason to be angry, I just am.  I can only attribute it to fucking up my meds this week (didn't get myself organised to get to the Chemist for a repeat prescription) and as a result have had several sleepless nights (Does anyone else find Zolpidem sends you hyper, or is it just me?) and have been reading into situations which simply don't exist culminating in a tirade of rage on FB - thank's to the lovely M who phoned me today and suggested I deleted those posts - love a gal who tells me how it is.
I hate it when I am like this.  I feel so detached from everything and every one around me.  I try to occupy myself so that I am distracted, but when I am on my own at home, surfing the net, these thoughts are hanging in the background making me worse and worse.  I am aware that is happening but I don't seem able to stop it and then I wind myself into a frenzy. Meh. I think it's time for a new Crisis Plan.
I tried to make an appointment to register at a surgery for when I return to the UK (5th May!!!).  I decided to go back to my old surgery from many years ago and thought that if I pre-booked an appointment for my return then I wouldn't need to panic about my meds running out (I have enough left for this month), plus can get back into the system asap.  So the conversation went something like this (I had to telephone as their email address does not work):
Me: "Yes Hello I am just phoning from Switzerland to..." 
Doctors receptionist "Can I put you on hold sorry".....wait......"Yes hello" 
Me: I wondered if I could arrange an appointment to register as.... 
"Yes, we are taking on new patients, just come into the surgery with the relevant paperwork, goodbye". 
I had spent 20 minutes practising what to say and then another 5 building up the courage to phone and explain my situation.  so of course, being the pathetic wimp who is currently totally overwhelmed by everything involved in moving back to the UK, I spent the rest of the afternoon curled up in bed sobbing my heart out with anxiety.  Thank god for Seroquel and my cat. Plus my friend who works for the NHS and will certainly be in touch with said surgery (she used to work for the PCT making checks on doctor's surgeries so I wouldn't want to be said Doctor's receptionist when she calls.
It's not so much making the appointment, it's the timescale.  I return to the UK 5th May.  It's Bank Holiday weekend apparently so there is no chance I will get an appointment for that week if I don't pre book.  First, I have to have an appointment with the Practice Nurse to register me.  Then they need to process me.  Then I need to know which doctor I am with so that I can get my Swiss Psychiatrist to send a report, plus get a repeat prescription because I will need meds asap. And I will need at least half an hour with new GP. This could take weeks. (Months?). I can't afford to be without mental health support for this length of time, particularly after making yet another life changing choice - these tend to be trigger points for me.  Of course, I know if I am a danger to myself then I can get my friend to take me to A&E but I do tend to rather think of myself (when I am in crisis) that I am a waste of space, taking up resources needed for sicker people, don't want to be a burden etc. etc. (The usual crap we mentalists tell ourselves).
Anyhoo, I have been in hiding most of the day after my FB comments which basically had told people living here to "Fuck Off" and have just enjoyed a night in of NCIS and CSI repeats.  Lovely. 

Monday, 2 April 2012

Did I do the right thing?

I am a twitter user and last week I had a situation where I hope I did the right thing.
A user I follow posted a link to her blog which said that (amongst other things) that this was goodbye. Now being a mentalist I wasn't sure if she meant goodbye to blogging or whether she was not safe. I tweeted back that I was worried but didn't get a reply. Then another user tweeted he was also worried. Anyway, after tweets back and forth and the fact the tweeter has a daughter from the info I could gleen about her, both myself and another tweeter phoned a U.S police department to do a welfare check.
They did the welfare check and all was OK, but I felt an enormous sense of guilt afterwards - Did I do the right thing?
Was I interfering? Did I read too much into what had been posted? I know if I had the police turn up at my door I would probably be really pissed off, especially if I was suicidal.  I don't know, it felt like the right thing to do at the time, but afterwards I felt I had made a lot of fuss about nothing.
I was expecting this week to be relatively quiet at work but it has turned out to be majorly busy.  Technically my contract ran out last Saturday but Ski School aren't worried by that.  However, the office is totally disorganised.  I won't bore you with the details but I am pretty exhausted and today couldn't even lift my head up off the pillow.  I telephoned and lied, saying I was vomiting and had an upset stomach and that I really couldn't work.  My boss asked what they should do.  I held my temper and did not shout "I don't fucking know, you're the boss".  Later, they phoned me (repeatedly I might add) and asked if I was OK.  I said yes and then was told that if I am not in tomorrow then "we are in the shit".  So now I feel enormously pressurised and have also found out that not only do I have to do my job, but on top of that I have to teach as well, plus babysit a kid until 5pm.  So I will be working 8 a.m. to 5 p.m. without a break and then on to my other job which is half an hour at the end of the day closing up a shop.
I am totally drained.  I haven't even booked my flight back to the UK yet, or started packing.  I managed to clean my apartment yesterday and I have to say it looks cosy and back to how it should be.  I have ignored my ex boyfriend (I can't even cope with him at the moment) and told him I would see him tomorrow (in case he had any ideas about coming round here).  I can feel myself sliding a bit but have no time to go and speak to anyone, just to let off some steam and calm myself down.
I think I need some chocolate.