Thursday, 28 January 2010

Germ Farms

The little germ-farms I work with (kids in ski school) have given me yet another infection.  This time a nasty stomach and sickness bug of which the only positive part is shitting out some of the kilos that the Zyprexa gave me. So now I am feeling really sorry for myself and wondering how to go on. It's such a struggle getting to work and despite my best intentions it's really hard to stay motivated.
I met with one of my friends who was at the day clinic with me and we had a really nice afternoon drinking peppermint tea (ladies wot lunch) and supporting each other.  I was quite honest about my drinking habits and she talked about her medication and difficulties with her job. I felt like we understand each other and what each other is going through (to the extent that you can relate to each others experiences).
And then I left and I felt sad.  And lonely.  And not well, so I went to the doctor about this stomach bug because my boss was nagging me about getting better before the "high season" (alas not a reference to illegal drugs but to the busy part of the ski season) as there is absolutely no way I can afford to be ill financially or job wise during the whole of February.
I have my appointment with my Psychiatrist tomorrow but I really don't feel like talking.  I feel like I am becoming more and more introverted.  I am sick of myself.  I am sick of the meds.  I am sick of all my wishes to get better, of trying to make improvements to my life and taking care of myself coming to nothing because I can't quite manage to get motivated or get organised.
I feel at a total loss what to do with myself and the absence of Zyprexa I can only obsess about one option.

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Can't shift this low mood

It's no good.  Despite my best efforts, I can't seem to shift this low mood, repetitive thoughts and apathy.  I guess its the cutting back on the Zyprexa having an effect on me because I can't stop obsessing about, well, not having any money. Work is a real struggle too, I'm finding it so difficult to get through the day.  Luckily I can sneak off to smoke another cigarette, but I really feel the pressure and not able to cope (although I am coping somehow). I'm not sure how much longer I can go on.  My boyfriend is still having a mid-life crisis and won't talk about it or changes the subject when I try.  So I feel even more useless and crap than normal. Am sick of the sound of myself right now, just want to talk to someone.

Saturday, 23 January 2010

Ear Ear

Bloody ear infection got worse, I ended up phoning my boyfriend and dragging him from the pub (again), screaming in pain and all he could do was ask, "what can I do?" (although he did do some very nice breathing technique focusing stuff).  I just screamed at him to phone the bloody doctor and get me some goddamn fuck off huge painkillers, which surprisingly he did. 
I have now realised I am a complete lightweight when it comes to pain, although strangely if it self inflicted I kinda like it. I thought about why that is and all I can come up with is the old "control" card.  Self inflicted pain is something I have control over.  Random ear pain (which was on a par with infected tooth pain) is not something I can control.  The plus point is that the antibiotics from the ear infection have finally caught up with my digestive system and so the unwanted weight gain is leaping off in pounds - yeay!
Because I am such a lightweight with the pain I had no intention of an hour journey down the mountain to see my psychiatrist, in favour of my duvet and House m.d. repeats (season 4, v.good).  Instead, he phoned me and we had a quick chat about how I was (ok mostly, more stable but still some mood swings) and I told him the Zyprexa was helping mood-wise but not weight wise.  So we are upping the Lamotrigine and cutting down the Zyprexa and will discuss next week the alternatives (provided the insurance will pay for the different drugs). I didn't quite get round to telling him that I had gone cold turkey on the Zyprexa and to make up for the resulting insomnia I had been popping the old 100mg Seroquel.  (Slept until 11.30 a,m, today - loooooverleeeyyyy!)
really should get back to real work soon, I am getting used to this life of unemployment as ski school have no work for me right now until Monday, so that's 2 weeks money I have lost out on. Which means I will probably be back to the old scrimping and saving, trying to get my bills paid and having no money for the rest of the month.

Thursday, 21 January 2010

leave of absence

Not felt like blogging much.  I am still reeling from the fact that I have heard my ex will be here in a couple of weeks time (note to self: trigger) plus I have a raging ear infection which has got worse over the week, culminating today - I am in agony and I am a right wüss with pain.  I should have gone straight to the doctor but decided instead to wait until my appointment tomorrow morning.  Bad move.  I am crawling up the walls  and will sell my soul for painkillers right now.
Interesting programme about the pill popping nation last night. (on english TV). Made me feel even worse when my boyfriend commented on his worries about me taking antidepressents.  That's aside of the fat comments right now.  I don't know where I am going with this but it upset me.
Had a great day skiing with my friend S today, just what I needed and we laughed a lot.  I love days like that, make me feel human again.
Psych appointment tomorrow as well.  Lots to catch up on.  I am going to tell him no more Zyprexa because it makes me fat (kinda counteracts the reason for taking it to feel better).

Monday, 18 January 2010

Positive Day

So today I have been really "proactive" in keeping myself occupied and mind off "things" by going for a long walk and having a late lunch with my friends.  (Well done me). But I've been thinking about my medication - I have definately put on at least 10 kilos since starting the Zyprexa and Lamotragine, so one of them is messing up my ability to keep in shape.  I do a lot of exercise and eat the right things at the moment and the weight just doesn't seem to be shifting.  Today I am being really practical about it but tomorrow I could be devastated by it.  Anyway, decided to bring it up at my appointment on Friday.
I also feel quite positive about going teetotal again and I think this will also help me to lose weight.  Just got to not go out though, but I can't really afford it anyway.
I feel like I am travelling in circles again. 

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Crap

He's coming to visit in February.  I've just been told.  Wierd (expensive) time to visit so I just don't get it, maybe he went to Uni after all.
Anyway, not dealing with it well.

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Older, but no wiser

Haven't blogged for a week because, well, I just couldn't be arsed. I have been feeling better after the New Year downer until I realised it was then my birthday.  Being 35 is certainly more shit than being 34 purely because I now have to tick the 35-45 category on surveys and I am kind of not able to still get away with dancing on the bar and causing arguments with random strangers as I am meant to be "grown up".
And my boyfriend has been in an arsey mood for the last week because it's his birthday today.  Not that I've seen him since our work shifts clash nicely.
Still got to post Christmas presents.  Still got no money (except for the tiny amount I will be earning on the side for the next two nights running a glühwein stall) and still got bills to pay.  Dreading getting my first tax bill. If I could just have the next two months being paid enough to clear that backlog then I will be OK.
Not toooooo much thinking about past lives/cutting self/crying lots (good) but far to much drinking going on.  Last night I ended up with my head down the toilet at home and then passing out on the bathroom floor (snoring apparently).  Only the cat seemed concerned, maybe he thought his source of food and attention was about to pop her clogs.  anyway, I missed my night time medication (not good), feel like crap today (not good), but vaguely remember being slightly well behaved even though I was off my tits on beer/prosecco/red wine and even ate a local donkey kebab.  That's probably why my head was down the toilet then.  All I do remember is that I didn't pay for any drinks because I had no money, choosing to instead run up bar tabs to be paid when I am in a state to feel ashamed by them.
I got a book - I can make you Thin by Paul Mckenna. It''s how to improve your relationship with food rather than go on a crash diet.  I really like the philosophy involved and how to approach food.  Am thinking it may work with the drink side as well, so maybe I can control my drink through changing my attitude rather than medication.  The panic for me is the thought of never having a drink again.  Anyway, nearly a year since I stopped being sober so maybe I go teetotal again.

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Levelling out and then dips again

I thought positively.  I thought, "I will try contacting some of my friends, see how they are." So I went on Facebook and started scrolling down the home page.  But then I saw them. Photos of friends having fun without me there to share it. Photos of friends in places where my heart really is.  And then I thought, well I have chosen my life and have to get on with it as best as I can. I am living where I want to and doing what I want to be doing.  And then I remember, I am living here so I can ski.  I wanted to live by the beach in the summer.  I wanted winters abroad and summers in the UK.  With someone I love(d).
And then I remember that some things are not ever going to be and I remember I am with someone who loves me very much and who treats me well and who tolerates my lows and calms down my highs.  And I love him in a sort of way.  Then I remember the consuming, heart wrenching, whole being love I felt before.  And then I ask myself, why the surreal happened and I kissed another for no reason other than he was being nice to me and talked sense about lifes lows, that finally someone seemed to "get it" in the days when I couldn't express it to anyone and the doctor turned me away.
Then I remember why I hate myself sometimes for being the very cheat that I despise, would it have made a difference if I had confessed even though the person was so insignificant to me that to confess would have deeply hurt the one I truly loved?
Would I ever have another chance to right the wrongs, to rebuild the trust.
Because I know if I could drop everything tomorrow for another chance, that I would.  We are meant to be, I just know it.
And if we are not to be, I don't know how to get past that, because 7 years of time hasn't changed a thing except I am aware of who I am now.
The pain and hurt is still there, in my throat, in my chest.  It is nearly overwhelming me and I am verging on the wrong side of the knife which has been my companion since school, faithfully there through the lows, marking my skin, pain causing pain healing pain.

Monday, 4 January 2010

On the Up, thank goodness

I appear to be out of a five day depression and I am so grateful, I felt horrible and even the meds weren't working.  I  hate feeling so low and I try to feel positive but feelings are feelings and emotions are emotions - positive thinking is just not something that sinks in when my brain chemistry is fucked anyway.  Yesterday was a terrible struggle to get to work and maintain some form of control when all I could cope with was having a shedload of seroquel and sleeping it off.  (I love oblivion). but I didn't, and I got through the day, even forced myself (and I mean humungous effort) to go ski-ing, kept telling myself I would feel better, but in the end instead of me letting down a friend, they let me down and didn't appear.  OK, I thought, my man is still skiing and we haven't had much time together, but no, he was back in the village already.  Felt sad, disappointed and unloved - yep, all my own insecurities and I should just "get over it" but I don't function like normal people and just couldn't. Thought bollocks to it, need oblivion and turned to the red wine instead of the prescription meds.
Realised that while before I would just self harm, the last 7 years I have self medicated with alcohol (which leads to even more self harm) and ask myself, why bother anyway, it's not like I am anyone special.It's not like I can cope or not fuck up relationships like I do.  I can't even face socialising tonight which is the only way of seeing my boyfriend as when he comes home he has a bath and goes to bed, maybe eats.  But I can't leave him or I would be as bad as the way my last relationship ended and J really loves me.  I just have to ride it out, maybe it's my pennance or something.

Friday, 1 January 2010

Poem for the past

Just been surfing the net and checking all my mentalist websites when I found this on Madnotbad.  I think it sums me up in 2003/04 when life was far, far worse than it is now, when I hit rock bottom and started to get professional help.  Unfortunately, the professional help was not adequate hence a reoccurance and many more years of therapy (I dooo try). Anyway, I think she sums up my state of mind and actions at the time way better than I could ever say (I tend to draw).

Without You

Just a little cautionary note: This poem may be TRIGGERY for some. Keep yourself safe and please don't read it if you think it'll badly affect you. If you need help or support, please see the resources section or contact The Samaritans.
Take Care, xxx R
I am without. Without you, an outsider, a spectator upon what life could have been for me, and what it could never have been. There is much that is beyond the realm of possibility. A love that is anything other than destructive and unrequited. A sense of belonging.
I can blame no one but myself. For who would desire my stifling, claustrophobic adoration? The type of love that has four walls, growing ever closer. Suffocating.
I cannot help but remember the time when you did. Did you? How could you have loved me? You did. You were mine, and I was yours. Yet at the same time, memory and fantasy become blurred, reality and falsehood indistinct from one another.
Truth eludes me.
I wanted to hold you in my arms. Wanted to gather up every piece of you and hold you and protect you. To destroy the world that was not us. Of course I did not.
Some things never change.
You were gone in a second. Was I yours? Your only source of comfort? Did you love me as I loved you? You were mine. You trusted me.
The world was spinning. Retching painfully, my eyes burning with…tears? How
could this be? I was crying … I cried. I don’t cry. I cried for you, but mostly for myself. Selfish as ever. Every tear that fell driving me further into my frenzy of self-loathing.
Loathsome. Unlovable. Unworthy.
I’ve been living to see you for so long. Too long you have been the only passion in my life. Destructive love. I cried then…I cannot cry any more.
I hate you so much for leaving me … I love you endlessly. I wish I could hurt you like you hurt me, but more than anything I want this numbness to end. I want to see if I still feel.
A knife. A blade. So sharp … so beautiful.
A clenched fist, a shiver. Tensed. A flash of silver, and a hiss of breath. Release.
A pain I can feel. Real. An emotion I can understand. Control. A pause, then a trickling red stream. This is not enough. I need more. I tear at my own flesh, begging it to bleed, begging it to pour.
I always needed more. This is the only way. Will you even know? Will anyone? I want you to know I love you.
Cutting … This is not good enough … Slashing ... You were never good enough … deeper and deeper … No one wants you. No one will want you now … A crimson torrent … Carved … No one will love you like this … Frantic … No-one will miss you. You won’t even care … Don’t stop … More … don’t fail at this too … you always were a failure … just don’t stop …
Far away, I hear someone is screaming. Someone is sobbing. Do you cry for me? Do you love me too? Do you even care?
I never did know when to stop. All I wanted was for you never to stop loving me. All I wanted was for the pain to stop.
Stop.
by Seva

Happy New Year?

I guess that's the good thing about being depressed at New Year - no expectations that this year will be any better.  However, I am constantly telling myself that there is hope for this year, that everyone had a bad year in 2009 with relationships, money, work etc.
Even so, last night was, well, depressing.
I stayed at home for a change.  Every one of my few friends here was working. I am avoiding the bar I would have gone in to blag some free champagne because the barman has screwed over two of my friends financially and has caused a ruction in the village after he was sacked from his job (rightfully so, but I can say that because I worked for him in 2008). So I stayed at home, cooked lasagne from scratch and drank a bottle of wine. My boyfriend came home, wolfed down his dinner and went to bed . He hates New Year (and Christmas and Birthdays come to that) so I wasn't expecting much anyway.
This has been the worst New Year ever.
They never used to be like this, they used to be filled with good food, fine wine, fancy dress and phoning the cats at midnight so they could hear the new year in on the answerphone.I feel today that I can't really face anyone except my cat (boyfriend workinh)  and am finishing my bubbly while thinking of how i fuck things up, how a stupid kiss from a man who was just being nice to me that i didn't fancy fucked up my chance at true love and  I have never felt tintense true love since. But I can't turn back the clock, I can't have another chance with "the One". I think I am feeling sorry for myself, but I really feel sorry for the ones I have lost and hurt for my actions. I feel ashamed.