Monday, 18 July 2011

Health Insurance (again)

So I have come full circle.  The problem started with my health insurance 2 years ago when I fell behind with the premiums.  So I changed insurers as Insurer 1 stopped paying my medical bills until I had caught up with the arrears.  Insurer 2 were happy to pay my medical bills so I continued to pay the new insurer and get my medical bills paid.  I thought I had "resigned" the contract with insurer 1.  But no, I was not allowed to change insurers with arrears outstanding and they would not accept a payment plan from me although I offered this on at least 3 occasions. Insurer 1 should have informed insurer 2 that I could not proceed with a contract with them, but they didn't.
Insurer 2 then said because I had signed a contract with them also, that I had to pay them as well.  So in effect, I would have t pay 2 health insurers which there was no way I could afford. Insurer 1 kept billing me.  I kept telling them that I was no longer insured with them, so to stop billing me.  I saw the social services, but he misadvised me, so all the while insurer 1 kept registering my non payment as a debt.  I then had the government debt people chasing me for money which I didn't believe I owed and couldn't afford anyway.
Finally this year my psychiatrist referred me to the social worker based in the psychiatric department (no doubt he wanted paying too!) and she started getting involved.  Basically insurers 1 &2 were acting against the law.
Following so far?
Another three months down the line, insurer 2 started issuing refunds to me, although I had specifically said to pay back to insurer 1.  Of course, they weren't going to do this as that would show liability.  In the meantime I was referred to the normal social services department as my social worker had done all she could within her remit.
Hence I have now received another letter from insurer 1 repeating what I was told 2 years ago.  "We will not pay your medical bills untill all arrears have been paid".
In effect, this means I can no longer afford medication, I cannot afford to go to my GP, I cannot afford to go to my psychiatrist.  Normally after I have visitedeither of these /collected medication, I am billed.  This gets sent to the insurer, who then refunds me the total bill less 10%.  I can then pay the bill with a small contribution from myself so that it is paid in full.  I can negotiate part payment, but still have to pay my insurance premiums, so it is one or the other.
Basically, I'm screwed.  After half an hour of crying this afternoon I put my energies into sorting out exactly which bills were still outstanding.  I have an appointment with social services in the morning and they know that they have to deal with the insurance companies on my behalf as I am not mentally capable any more of communicating with them - it's too much and I don't always know the words to converse in German. 
I am also waiting for my unemployment benefit (3 months now) so I phoned them today.  They told me they still need more paperwork.  Would have been nice if they had written to me to let me know what was missing, so I photocopied every job related bit of paper from the last two years and sent it to them with a covering note to say if there was anything further missing all they have to do is look up my file from last October from when I last signed on and it will all be there.  Of course, being Swiss that probably won't be good enough and I will have to do the rounds of all my employers in the last 2 years to get copies of paperwork which the unemployment office ALREADY HAS!
Frustrated? YES. Upset? YES. Skint? YES (i have about five pounds to my name right now).
I know the meeting with social services will be awful tomorrow because I will get hysterical and cry because I can't take the pressure any more.  It's all too much.

Sunday, 10 July 2011

Sunday Sunday

My plan today was to go and climb a Kletterstieg (also known as a Via Ferrata) with my ex and another friend of ours, the lovely and very cute P.
Unfortunately this wasn't to be.  Whilst I trust my ex (he is Mountain Man Superhero), I didn't trust the weather, which was looking decidedly stormy and I hate thunderstorms.  Plus we were leaving late in the morning because ex was working and so I was even more mistrusting of the weather (and rightly so - there was a very long thunderstorm).
So I am beating myself up about being so pathetic, and disappointed that I didn't go - it would have been fun.  But I think my fears and anxiety was appropriate to the situation.
Ex came over last night - he cooked for me because I was working (yes! Work! Albeit casual) yesterday afternoon) and I think he was lonely and also wanted a shag, to which I obliged as I have difficulty saying no to him and ...well...I have my needs too! But this raises the question of why I keep doing this.  Is it loneliness?  Sometimes.  Is it weakness? Yes. Is it a hope we will get back together? Maybe, although I don't think that will happen - he wants to be "alone".  Is it to stop him going off with someone else?  Absolutely - if he's shagging me, he won't want anyone else.  I guess this is manipulation on my part, I'm not sure.  I don't feel like I'm being manipulative, I just feel weak and can't say no, even though this is not a healthy situation.  It was OK for the first couple of months but now I am finding myself getting upset after he leaves.  Or wierdly, want him to go when he is there.
It's not the living on my own that's a problem.  I am used to my Spinster Studio now, it feels more like a home and cosy with my cat.  I hate going back to my old apartment (where ex still lives) - it feels cold and uninviting and empty.  But sometimes, especially late at night when I am trying to go to sleep, I feel so lonely, alone, unwanted.  It doesn't help with this insomnia which means I have to resort to Seroquel to help me (which has also calmed down my bad feelings during the day).  And it doesn't help that I have no routine to get up for and sleep in way to many times and for way too long.
There's always tomorrow, I tell myself.  I can always start over then.  I will get up before 9 a.m., I will meditate, have breakfast, exercise, fell better about myself, do more.
And then tomorrow comes and repeats  itself and before I know it, the week has gone.
So another round of planning today - a sleep and activity diary printed and ready to go.  Maybe if I see how inactive I am then I may shock myself into doing something to change.

Friday, 8 July 2011

More sleep

So I tried a night without Seroquel and it didn't work - 4 hours sleep.
Today, I slept in until 4 pm.  I don't know why and as I lay in bed and dreamed about how good life could be, I lost track of time.  And I feel bad about myself.
I have been reading a lot about Buddhism over the last week and really like the philosophy, I just don't know how I can start living it. I have learned there are different schools of thought and I am pretty certain which one I want to follow, but I have lots of questions about it and can't afford to go and see someone to learn to meditate properly and get these questions answered.
Am still trying to control the drinking and have great support from a friend on fb who has been dry for 5 years now.  She enthuses about how she has turned her life around and it really inspires me.  I just wish I had some willpower.

Monday, 4 July 2011

Activities and sleeping in

Yet again, I failed to get up before midday.  This happened yesterday and the day before and the day before etc. although yesterday my ex came round to give me a free pass to the local outdoor swimming pool as I said I couldn't afford to go - of course, he caught me sleeping in which really annoys him as he keeps telling me I should get up and do something.  Admittedly last night I read my book until 3.30 a.m. and had taken seroquel to help me sleep, but I feel so guilty anyway about lazing about in bed when I should be up and doing something.  But I find it so hard to leave my duvet as it's a big scary world out there.
I wrote a plan for each day and pinned it up next to my bed.  My ex laughed at it and said I wouldn't do it.  But I like to think that maybe, maybe one morning I will wake up early and complete at least some of the things on the list.
Yesterday I spent most of the day curled up in bed with my cat.  I should explain my cat, Sam, likes to go out hunting or whatever and disappears for three days only coming back for five minutes to eat.  He occasionally goes back to mine and exes old apartment (where ex still lives) and sleeps, but he always comes back for food.  And then he spends a day asleep on the bed to recharge his batteries before repeating the cycle.  So I like to take advantage of his company, hence curling up with him yesterday.  He gives me a lot of comfort and unconditional love (unless you count food) and I love him to bits.  If I go back to the UK, ex says I can't take him with me.
Today I have been reading (the 4th book in 2 days), this one set in a ski resort which is hit by an avalanche (living in a ski resort, this book holds some interest for me).
Haven't had a drink since June - small steps and lots of encouragement from my friend on facebook who hasn't had a drink for 5 years now.  I am desperately trying to stop drinking completely and she is keeping me strong although I know really she thinks I won't manage it. I even missed a party (well I wasn't totally sure if I was invited anyway) last Friday because I knew there would be alcohol there.
I just wish I wasn't so crap at stuff.  I used to have such confidence in myself, such drive and these days it is completely gone.  The thought of leaving my apartment to go and do something like exercise makes me so anxious that I make excuses not to do it.  When my ex phones me he always asks what I've been up to and I am tired of making up stuff to tell him so it sounds like I have done something that day.  Except smoke and read or watch Jeremy Kyle.
Tonight I have deliberately not switched on the TV so I am not tempted to stay awake to ridiculous hours watching crap.  Instead, I have spent time on the internet madosphere to get up to date with blogs etc and even had some courage to leave some comments.  It's been nice, I feel connected with fellow mentalists and not alone.
Must phone up about my unemployment benefit tomorrow.  J has said he will give me 200chf so I have some money to live which is great (unless he wants it back) but I really need the money to pay bills, especially my Psychiatrist bills so I can get another appointment.  I have a HausArzt (GP) appointment on Wednesday (9 a.m. so HAVE to get up) and he is usually pretty understanding about delays in paying my bills (1 year last time).  He was going to copy some DVD's for me so hopefully he hasn't forgotten.  At least I get to talk to someone.
Still no job.  Am paranoid that 2 I applied for I didn't get because my ex boss is friendly with them and made up some stuff about me (we no longer get on after I worked for him).  If I find out that is the case I will go ballistic.  I think I might accuse him anyway because he is crap at lying.  It's just one of the replys said it was nothing against my character or my experience, which is a pretty weird thing to say.  His ex-wife works for one of them so maybe she will be able to let me know if he has said anything to put them off.  And if it is the case then I will make his life hell.
See, all this time not working makes me think to much and even now I am talking myself out of my feelings of paranoia - maybe I AM justified and right in being paranoid for once.  Maybe I WILL be in the right to get angry.  Problem is, no-one backs me up.  None of my friends, my ex, anyone.

Friday, 1 July 2011

Later........

I feel wrong. Very wrong.
I've just spent 5 hours on the internet...fb....youtube....TV on at same time but I'm not really watching it, can't focus on any programme.  I've been crying...I feel shaky and like I want to do something.....anything.........restless.........jittery and very very sad.  Can't settle.
I think I'll have a shower and some more Seroquel and hope I can feel a bit calmer.  I just want to RANT or something but I don't know what about.
I could call my doctor or something but........why..........what would I say?

Progress

I feel bad.  Very bad.
I've been feeling (up until now) pretty stable, not unhappy, able to cope.  However, a couple of things have been happening which I think have contributed to my mood suddenly skydiving.
First - ex boyfriend.  He split up because he said he wanted to be on his own.  Then he said a couple of weeks ago that he had never needed anybody (and although I don't want to feel needed, it's still hurtful that he doesn't need me in his life).  Now he is saying he is lonely.  Oh, and for some reason I still keep sleeping with him.
Second, I just found out that 3 and a half grands worth (CHF) of bills DID NOT get processed by the bank at the beginning of April.  And they didn't even send me a letter to tell me.  So I came back from holiday thinking the bills had been paid and oh look, I've done well managing my money and have enough to last me two months, which has now been spent on...well....living costs. So I am again behind with my psychiatrist bill and at the moment am in limbo between two health insurers so have no idea who is insuring me and who is paying my doctor's bills.
When I found out about the non-paid bills yesterday I really tried to not obsessively think about it.  I tried to do what that patronising prick Eckhart Tolle tells me in The Power of Now to just live in the situation. So I tried to distract myself but there was this little voice in the back of my thoughts repeating "FUUUUUCCCCKK" no matter what I did.  I disassociated from my feelings to try and cope.  Didn't work, the voice was still there. So I took some Seroquel to calm the voice down.  Promptly fell asleep for an hour which pissed me off as I haven't been sleeping properly at night for ages and didn't want to mess up my sort of routine.  (I was awake until at least 2 a.m. so yet more Seroquel to help me sleep).  Woke up this morning feeling generally low, lethargic and like I wanted to cry (and haven't been able to all day). Forced myself to get dressed and go out into the village (I needed some shopping and to pick up a prescription for Naltrexon) and found that I was feeling a bit disorientated and anxious about all the people.  Picked up my prescription and had a really nice chat with my pharmacist (she is a star and orders my drugs on emergency many times as I forget to reorder in time).  She asked me if I was living somewhere new as she had seen me carrying shopping at the other end of town.  I told her me and J split up in February, which she didn't know (her boyfriend was J's boss).  Anyway, she split up with her boyfriend (which I knew about) - he was 45, they had been together 20 years and he, like J, just turned round one day and said he didn't want to be in the relationship any more.  So there we were, in the middle of the pharmacy, bitching about men and mid-life crises.  But she said I looked better and although I felt like crying (which she kept apologising for) it was more because she was being so kind about it and not telling me crap like there are plenty of fish in the sea etc, etc.  She said we could meet up for a soft drink (she knows I have an alcohol problem) and that I can phone her any time.  We were both of the opinion that it can be a bit lonely sometimes and the thank goodness for our cat (mine)/dog (hers) to help us through.  Oh, and men are crap, pathetic little babies that can't deal with real life.  (Bit hypocritical on my part I guess).
Anyway, am at home now, a friend of mine will be on fb later to talk about not drinking (again) and hopefully remind me of the shame of alcohol.  I managed today all right but it is hard.  Still, am at home now and no alcohol in the house so as long as I stay in, I can get through today sober.
Doctor (GP) appointment on Wednesday, need to make another Psych appointment soon (when the bills are paid).  Still no job.