Monday, 31 May 2010

It continues

After a traumatic week last week (visit to the social services and the bankruptcy people) things are not much better.  The cuts on my hands are still visible and I keep picking at them, as if it's some sort of reminder how bad I should be I deserve to feel.  After all, I brought it on myself and should take the consequences.  Unfortunately my self essteem is through the floor.  Soon it will be published in the paper that I am bankrupt which means the whole village will know and will be pointing fingers.  No matter how much friends have told me it will be a five minute gossip for most and then forgotten about.
Forgotten about.  This happens a lot in my life.
And it doesn't seem to matter that my boyfriend has found the money to pay these health insurance premiums that I am being bankrupted for, they don't want to know.  And my German is not that good to understand what is going on.  All I know is I am stuck.
I've been sleeping maybe 15 hours a day, I can't get motivated to do anything because every waking moment is spent worrying about my financial situation.  My bank accounts are frozen so I have no control over anything right now.
I just want to die, and being awake makes me obsess about it.
I just can't go on.
I had to email my psychiatrist about the situation which means that maybe I have no treatment because I can't afford it.
What to do?
Someone take the pain away.

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Money problems

Well it has finally happened.  I am three months behind with my health insurance premiums, with no way of paying and they are making me bankrupt.
I had a very scary meeting with the local department that deals with such things.  I had to wait an hour because I was late during which I sobbed uncontrollably and now have some very painful scratches on the back of my hand as this was my method of controlling the hurt.
So they opened a bankruptcy order.
It gets put in the local paper so the whole village will know.  The social won't help me, my boyfriend is stressed out because I am stressed out and I cry myself to sleep every night, if not during the day.
Life can't get any worse, can it?

Tuesday, 4 May 2010


So as per my usual behaviour, the Christmas presents I have been meaning to send since last December, were posted today.
And as usual, I feel resentful at the comments I will get spoken behind my back as to why they are late.
So why are they late? Because when I made them (oh yes, they are handmade) and packed them up, I had no money to post them, favouring my medical insurance and food. And then there was the time factor - when I got paid once my bills had gone out I still had no money and was right into the ski season, too busy to get to the post office at the opening times.  I missed many recorded letters because of not being able to pick them up from the post office which proves my point.
So where do I go from here.  Well, I've posted the parcel. Step one. Step two, maybe some form of thankyou (my sister in law is one for doing what is right and polite even if my brother is screaming obscenities about me behind my back). But my biggest worry is that my brother might try to contact me and I am not ready for that. It will bring up the hurt of comments he has made about me so cruelly. An I wanted a psychiatrist monitored phone call, which my brother isn't prepared to do for me.  He would rather sort out my feelings myself and then contact him.  No way.