Monday, 27 February 2012

Everyone leave me the FUCK ALONE

Not in a good place right now.  One, the stress of work.  Each problem in isolation is not a big deal.  I just have lots of stupid problems and people to deal with on a daily basis in ski school - whinging parents, dumb ski instructors that feel the need to behave in a way that I have to repeat to them every day how to run a ski lesson, ski instructors losing children, parents complaining that there isn't an instructor that speaks their language (usually the dutch - it's fucking SWITZERLAND for christs sake) and on and on and on.
To add to this today, ex had a visit from the debt lady.  I should explain, it is my debt and to do with the health insurance.  As the insurers have had no luck with me, they have decided to chase him for the debt.  Which means they have ignored all the letters from me, my psychiatrist and my social worker. And my ex is now having a go at me (rightly so in some respects) but if he got of his arse and DID something instead of expecting everyone around him to sort out his problems, including me, then maybe someone would listen.  Instead, I get the blame for everything, including how crap his life is. Do you think he has given me one ounce of support over this health insurance thing? NO. No conversation like what do I need to do, where are the copies of the letters you have sent them, don't worry, I can give them a call, etc. NOTHING. Just tells me he can't cope with it all.  Fucking systemised army brainwashed life with no responsibility for real life stuff like...well.....real life stuff.  He left over 10 years ago and still can't talk to a fucking bank employee without losing his rag. Cue me in tears most of the day (hiding in the equipment room out of sight).  And I lost my FUCKING sunglasses that are really expensive.
Fuck fucking fuckity fuck fuck fucking cunts the lot of them.

Thursday, 16 February 2012

I'm still here

Wow - didn't realise how long it has been since I last posted.  Once Ski school started I have been thrown in at the deep end, told on day 2 that I needed to work more hours and an adhoc job in a shop that I have worked in on and off for a couple of years has become a daily pastime.
So, my review of 2011 (a bit late, I know):
January - drunk. relationship problems
February - dumped.  Drank some more
March - breakdown Overdose of tablets and stay in hospital.
April - moved into own studio apartment.  Holiday in England for 2 weeks. Drank lots
May - looked for work. Signed on at jobcentre
June - no work
July - no work
August - Started walking friend's dog when she returned to college. Finally felt a semblance of "home" in my new apartment.
September - all too much.  Lots of doctor's appointments, psych appointments. Meds changed. Doc's wanted me to go into psychiatric clinic.
October - went back to UK for 3 weeks instead of Psychiatric clinic. Similar.
November - waited for snow
December - snow came, ski season started.  Went from no work to 44 plus hours a week.

And then 2012. After a crappy Christmas (working so didn't even open my few presents until a couple of days later) and a lonely New Year (ended up drinking too much and sadly joining the tourist info girls for a drink outside in the rain) I then had my birthday to look forward to. Only before that, the dog which I had been walking unfortunately had to be put down.  He was 2 years old nad had an incurable autoimmune disease.  I still miss him (I am more of a cat person but this dog was ace) and cried lots.
The rest of January I was wrestling with the demon drink and knew I was drinking too much, every day as a routine.  The 30th of January was the last time alcohol passed my lips.  Wish me luck.  My friend in Spain who has been dry for over 4 years has been a lot of support and very inspirational.
February so far has been too busy for me to think, let alone write anything.  My mood has dropped - so far this year I have felt pretty manic and on top of the world.  Now I feel like shit.  I got Bronchitis and a Sinus infection last week and had 2 days off work, plus yesterday and today (not a popular decision with Ski School as it is the busy season i.e. time off only if you are dying) but I felt sooo grotty and am so exhausted that I couldn't get out of bed that it was a tough but necessary decision.  I am not sure if this is the depression creeping in again.
Sometimes I think I might as well just go back to the UK now and forget going at the end of season.  But I want to make sure everything is square here before I leave.  All my wages go directly to the Social now and I send them my bills for them to pay.  Luckily in January I earned 3500 chf (about 2000gbp) - sounds a lot hey, but you don't live in Switzerland.
Good news about my apartment though - my ex has decided to take it on as it is cheap and "our" cat lives here - he doesn't want him to move again.  This is great as the catflap is fitted to a window which I would have had to get replaced.  Plus it is warm (hence my ex has stayed over 5 nights out of the last 7 as he has no heating).
I don't know, all feels like such a muddle at the moment.  I just want to get packed and get over to England but am disillusioned by the state of the UK, living in a town I hate and the need to earn money.