Sunday, 22 August 2010

Decisions, decisions

So I am close to my decision: I want to go back home and live where I last lived.  I am going to ride out this winter, save some money and then go back next summer.  There is nothing for me in this town except my boyfriend and I don't feel enough for him to stay in this place forever.  Maybe it's just restless feet, maybe I am stronger now to make my decisions, but I just don't like where I live, especially in summer.  It's a hard decision to make but I have to do it.  Starting all over again is my speciality anyway, and I had a better social life in the UK.

Sunday, 8 August 2010

Relationships

There comes a time in a relationship where the spark is gone.  It's happening to me now.
I don't know where it has come from, but I have been increasingly unhappy.  Maybe it is work, maybe it's the fact that my boyfriend is no longer funny and amusing, maybe it's because we are both working mad hours and never see each other.  Whatever the reason, it's an unsatisfied feeling rather than one of my down in the dumps moods.  And I have been feeling like this for a while.
But I don't know how to begin ending the relationship.  It just seems overwhelming no matter how I think about it.  I know I will have the freedom to work my summers in the UK and winters in this ski resort how I have longed for for years now.  But am I giving up a lot?  The unconditional love and support of a partner.  Do I just use him for support and not give anything back?  I have no enthusiasm to any more, I know that much.  I'm giving up the roots I have put down in a lonely town.  My cat (done that before).  And I know he loves me and I don't want him to go through what I have experienced when someone you love leaves you.  So I stay put, look for the positives (every day I look for the positives but find them hard to find).  I feel so lonely right now.  I miss my friends.  I miss my past life.  Maybe I have rose tinted glasses.

Sunday, 1 August 2010

Long time no speak

I can't believe I have left it so long since I have last blogged.  Anyway, too busy working to write anything meaningful.
The bankruptcy order against me is now closed.  I have proved to my health insurer that I have no assets or money to pay them and so they will have to accept a payment plan.  This is all fine, but my medical bills are still not getting paid.  All still stressful and it has given me panic attacks, mostly when I am about to sleep is when it all kicks in, otherwise I am working six days a week and try not to think about it.  I just wish this nightmare was over.  Also, because of the bankruptcy thing was against my business I can no longer teach aerobics and so have lost a source of income.  All really pointless in the end.