Monday, 30 November 2009

Let it snow!

Finally, it is snowing here and so I should have work from next week. At the moment though, I am curled up on the sofa and wishing I didn't have to go and teach aerobics later.  I know I always feel better for it but I just don't want to.  And I have loads more people attending now.
I also appear to have forgotten to reorder half of my meds, so have no Wellbutrin, no Lamictal and no Zyprexa, no Venlafaxine 75mg.  but I feel OK so I will see how it goes.

Saturday, 28 November 2009

Last day and other news

I finished at the day clinic yesterday and I felt sad to be leaving.  I survived the feedback round (where you are given personal feedback, the rules being for every negative they have to give you two positives) and apart from the fact that I was "quiet" all was good.  Then I had a meeting with my psychologist and the clinic psychiatrist, who started talking "bipolar" but I didn't quite get what was going on.  To be honest, I was too tired to go into it so I am just going to wait until I see my regular psychiatrist and find out what its all about.
On top of that, I finally admitted my illness to my boyfriend's sister (A) and another friend (S).  I think I can trust them, and A sent me a really nice message to say that it was OK and I shouldn't feel upset or embarassed about it as a couple of friends of hers also have problems.  I feel relief at the moment that the pressure to keep this to myself has eased a little.  Knowing me though, the next stage would be for me to announce it on facebook or something.
Interesting article about bullying and depression - it seems the message is getting out there and I hope that others who suffer from mental illness are treated in a favourable light in the workplace and the message goes out that bullying is unacceptable whether it caused the depression in the first place or whether it already exists.

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

two days to go....

........and then I finish attending the Day Clinic for the moment. Normally you would stay longer term but I start my ski job on a daily basis. I will miss the group a lot.
I've made good progress with my painting - I'm too much of a perfectionist though and keep adding bits to it.

Friday, 20 November 2009

This Weeks Project

Before my "exit interview" next week from the clinic, I have been set homework of drawing "My Safe Place".
Like I know where that is.

It's a new dawn, a new day and I'm feeling bad.

Am down to 225mg of Effexor as my meds are being reduced and the shock to my system is finally kicking in.  I am having "brain shivers" and in the afternoon I felt my old way of wanting to just disappear (and by this I mean get on a train or bus or drive to anywhere without telling anyone) which I haven't felt for a very long time.  I think there are maybe three reasons why I don't feel so great:
1) Reduced meds side effects (Dr B told me to observe any changes).
2) I was asked yesterday by one of the psychologists whether I liked Christmas. Felt sad about the effort I used to make to have some form of "special" Christmas but i don't bother now.  There seems no point because no-one around me wants to make an effort and so I never get memories of good ones to replace the bad. So I only have the last few in the UK to think about and that makes me sad because they were with my ex and were the best.
3) In my appointment the other day, Dr H refered to whether I carried out risky behaviour.  I said it was all relative and wasn't really sure what he meant, but it hit me today (not sure if this is along the right lines) that:
I slept around after a split from the love of my life
I drank to mask the urge to do wild things, so I could blame the wild things on alcohol (dancing on bars, flirting etc.)
I have been in risky situations and not given a damn e.g. walking alone in a big city at night, ending up at a total strangers party.
I have tried to steal stupid things from pubs like ash trays and other random acts of vandalism without giving a damn.
I kissed another man when my head was mixed up and I lost the love of my life.  I still to this day do not know why I did it but I know it made me feel anything but invisible. Like I was worth something.
I nearly lost two friends because (again when drunk) I managed to upset them/their friend etc.
I do active stuff like Canyon swing, Rock climbing, aggressive ski-ing, paragliding alone without ever having had a parachute on my back before.  In all these, I haven't felt the adrenalin rush i would have had a few years ago, I just do it and don't think of the dangers.

All the above have at times made me feel absolutely mortified afterwards, particularly losing friends and most of all my ex.  What is worse is that I can't forgive myself. Even worse than that, I feel like going out tonight and "causing some shit" like a whirlwind through the village and feel that if I can't that I need to hurt myself in some way instead.  I have hidden my penknife (the scars haven't disappeared from last time), I am typing this sitting right next to my man but just can't articulate what I should be telling him and feel so dangerous at the moment that I desperately want to go to a place where I can be watched and given shit loads of drugs to make me sleep for the next 2 days.
I feel so lonely.  Not like just being on my own, which I like (I am a "loner" anyway), just the hollow feeling inside.
I am scaring myself right now.
I wish this would all go away. But I am trapped by this fucking illness and have fucked up my life over and over and over again.  I can't believe I haven't made these connections before and so now I feel dreadful and stupid and worthless because I couldn't even get that right.
I hope this is just because of the reduction in meds, otherwise I am fucked.

Thursday, 19 November 2009

My internet access returns

I didn't think I would have a problem not being able to access the internet from home, but I soon realised that I missed blogging and reading other person's blogs and the internet forums. I have become more reliant on this as an outlet for social contact replacing the need to socialise face to face where I know I will face alcohol being thrust upon me.
I have felt tired this week but in general pretty positive. My Tuesday meeting with Dr H & Mr S. went well. I had been logging my mood on a chart on the internet and printed it out for them so we discussed that. They investigated just what the ratings scale indicate and how accurate a refection that is of me.  It ended up in Dr H getting the ICD-10 and showing me the page for Hypomania.  Hmmm. I have to admit, all the descriptions fit. so now I am really confused as to the implications.  I mean, when I have a good time, I have a really good time - how does this make me hyper? I thought it was just being happy.........

Sunday, 15 November 2009

An a step backwards again

Bad week. It started with a difficult appointment with the Chief doctor (Dr. H) and psychologist (Mr. S.) where we looked at my alcohol consumption and reasons why I can't control it or how it makes me feel.  It touched on something from way, way back which sent me in to a near panic attack but it really shook me up.  I quickly dropped into a hole and stayed there for two days, missing one day of clinic because I couldn't get out of bed. Dr. H ripped a big plaster from my inner feelings and I nursed myself better by crawling under the duvet and hiding.  Progress because I didn't turn to alcohol to numb the pain.

I know in the long run that letting these emotions go and understanding myself better will be worth it, but sometimes it's just so damn fucking hard.

I attended the first meeting of the current module in the Emotions Regulation Group (ERG) the same day as the above appointment occurred.  I didn't participate very much, because I couldn't get my thoughts together, but I have homework to complete and so have taken on board effective interpersonal skills. One thing still doesn't sit well with me - If I follow a "formula" as to how to behave, how will I be able to let go the real emotion i.e. getting angry as this is replaced with calm negotiation? It seems a bit, well, like mind control "you will act as I say" mentality. Still ruminating over that one.

Sunday, 8 November 2009


So I spoke to J about my issue with the poisoned dwarf.  Verged on the edge of a panic attack but managed to control myself and speak clearly.  I did the old "When you....I feel" routine but he still got a bit defensive which tapped on my insecurities hence the near panic attack.  I don't want him to change, I don't want him not to be friends with who he wants to be friends with, I just feel he doesn't support me with this issue.
Emotion regulation group starts on Tuesday so it will be a long day, however, I am hoping it will be beneficial to me - I will try anything to "get better".

Thursday, 5 November 2009

Can this year get any worse (?) and other clinic news

Played with puppets last week.  Not kidding. It's some kind of art therapy.  I made a witch. We had to first make up a background for our puppet and introduce it to the group, then "play" in groups of three which were videoed. We also took a picture of our puppet with an appropriate background for the puppet. 
It gets worse.
We then had to take the puppet and "talk through it" to the Wednesday group meeting (which I hate with a passion) in front of the psychiatric team.

I had a bad weekend.  The slapper of a cow who letches over my boyfriend all the time wound me up so I ended up drinking too much and having a row with J.  I have had two conversations with Herr B. & Herr. S about this and we have worked out some strategies.  I am aware of my behaviour and the choices I need to make, but at the same time I know sometimes I simply don't care.
Anyway, my blood test came back OK for the liver protein test or whatever and I am not an alcoholic according to that (discuss).
Bloody amazing really and doesn't help with the craving to self medicate with alcohol, just gives me another excuse to drink because it is "OK".
Today I was pleased with myself in my efforts to join in the group.  However, there is one member of the group who winds me up something chronic.  He's rude, no manners, invades personal space and doesn't apologise, is disrespectful - I could go on. He winds me up so much that I try to keep away from him but this isn't always possible and I am itching to slap him. Grrrr. He brings out the aggression in me.

Good news though, I was thinking about my progress this year (despite it being so shit) and I really think my moods are becoming more stable, there certainly isn't as much of a drop or "high"  (i.e. normal) as before. Maybe the meds are in the right combination now.  I hope this is going to continue. It has really helped me being in the day clinic and I have revived my interest in art therapy - I actually seem to have a creative side which I never had before!!! (not since school anyway and I wasn't that good then).  Maybe the chemicals in my brain have swapped round so that my logical organised side is effed up but my creative side has developed! 
I am just sorting out the bills now so that my insurance will pay the bills; if I have to leave the clinic right now I think that would be another setback for me.