Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Relationships and communication

Just not happening at the moment..  Tried talking to J last week and he turned everything I said back against me, he just won't listen to me trying to find a compromise.  He finally said he was depressed! I mean, it's not like I haven't noticed his bad moods and his tendency to go off by himself without me and his drinking in the pub at any opportunity. But I get frustrated as he is anti help from anybody and I believe as his girlfriend I should support him, which is hard seeing as I am useless anyway.  I have really tried to make an effort to not show my depression and it just means nothing.  If I keep being pushed away and he won't get professional help, what's the point - it's just dragging me down and so we end up in this endless cycle of misery. He's stopped telling me how he feels about me and it seems the only time he is interested is if he wants sex.
I brought up the possibility that maybe we should split up but he just replied with "where would you go, what would you do, where would you get the money" etc. so I know he still cares but like I said, it wouldn't be his concern then.
I feel stuck in the middle of something I can't get out of.
Health insurer still hassling me and the Swiss authorities are after me for money which I simply don't have. I still have medical bills to pay from 2009! Have emailed a solicitor but haven't heard anything back, no surprise there then.
Have also had to "sign on" as unemployed and have a target of applying for two jobs a week.  Problem is, there aren't any jobs at the moment and as I have a job for winter it's a bit of a pointless exercise.  But I have to do it otherwise I don't get any money, but knowing the Swiss system as I do, they will find any excuse not to pay me and as I have my health insurance premium to pay.....well.

Saturday, 25 September 2010

And so on

I had a bad day on Thursday, so much so that I telephoned in sick to work citing an upset stomach, even though this was a complete lie.
J not sympathetic at all and returned from the pub, saw me and went in a mood.  I told him the other day to stop trying to fix me ( he is very good at solving problems but dictates to me what I should be doing and thus making me feel worse, useless and a crap girlfriend).  I know what I should be doing, but don't have the motivation to do it.
I'm getting a bit slapdash with my meds, it's like I just don't care.  They are permanently strewn over the kitchen table and I never remember whether I have taken them or not (my short term memory is shot to pieces).  I even have a pill doser but forget to fill it up at the beginning of the week.  Yep, useless me.
Went to work yesterday even though they weren't expecting me in and had taken me off the plan.  As usual I got my weekly kicking and made ridiculous mistakes which my work colleagues covered up for me.  The kitchen staff just looked exasperated.  Doesn't really matter, even when I get it right and the kitchen lose the order I get the blame anyway and of course the bosses believe the kitchen rather than me because of the mistakes I make.
I think I might email my psychiatrist.
My health insurance is till not sorted.  I have to get a solicitor involved which although will cost me, it won't be as much as I owe the health insurer.  Also there is a consumer magazine which my Psychiatrist recommended - he said he has never heard of a story so ridiculous as mine and said that the magazine may publish something about it, just to piss off my insurer.  My second insurer (who will pay the medical bills) are proving very efficient and so I am paying monthly premiums to them.
I actually miss the NHS.

Monday, 20 September 2010

Pressure

I know my pharmacist thinks I am on too much medication, because she told me.
I know my sister in law thinks I should stop the medication as my head is like a marshmallow to think.
I know my boyfriend hates me being on tablets.
I know my friends think I should stop taking the tablets, because they told me.

I cried this morning with the pressure from all these people wanting me to stop my medication, but they don't understand how scared I am of going back to how I felt before.  No support from these people is enough to take away those feelings. Why can't they just accept me for who I am now.

Sunday, 22 August 2010

Decisions, decisions

So I am close to my decision: I want to go back home and live where I last lived.  I am going to ride out this winter, save some money and then go back next summer.  There is nothing for me in this town except my boyfriend and I don't feel enough for him to stay in this place forever.  Maybe it's just restless feet, maybe I am stronger now to make my decisions, but I just don't like where I live, especially in summer.  It's a hard decision to make but I have to do it.  Starting all over again is my speciality anyway, and I had a better social life in the UK.

Sunday, 8 August 2010

Relationships

There comes a time in a relationship where the spark is gone.  It's happening to me now.
I don't know where it has come from, but I have been increasingly unhappy.  Maybe it is work, maybe it's the fact that my boyfriend is no longer funny and amusing, maybe it's because we are both working mad hours and never see each other.  Whatever the reason, it's an unsatisfied feeling rather than one of my down in the dumps moods.  And I have been feeling like this for a while.
But I don't know how to begin ending the relationship.  It just seems overwhelming no matter how I think about it.  I know I will have the freedom to work my summers in the UK and winters in this ski resort how I have longed for for years now.  But am I giving up a lot?  The unconditional love and support of a partner.  Do I just use him for support and not give anything back?  I have no enthusiasm to any more, I know that much.  I'm giving up the roots I have put down in a lonely town.  My cat (done that before).  And I know he loves me and I don't want him to go through what I have experienced when someone you love leaves you.  So I stay put, look for the positives (every day I look for the positives but find them hard to find).  I feel so lonely right now.  I miss my friends.  I miss my past life.  Maybe I have rose tinted glasses.

Sunday, 1 August 2010

Long time no speak

I can't believe I have left it so long since I have last blogged.  Anyway, too busy working to write anything meaningful.
The bankruptcy order against me is now closed.  I have proved to my health insurer that I have no assets or money to pay them and so they will have to accept a payment plan.  This is all fine, but my medical bills are still not getting paid.  All still stressful and it has given me panic attacks, mostly when I am about to sleep is when it all kicks in, otherwise I am working six days a week and try not to think about it.  I just wish this nightmare was over.  Also, because of the bankruptcy thing was against my business I can no longer teach aerobics and so have lost a source of income.  All really pointless in the end.

Monday, 21 June 2010

Alternative Therapy

I started Reflexolgy a couple of months back and can recommend it as a complement to talking and medication.  When I first went I was a bit cynical but felt relaxed afterwards so that's got to be good, right? The last time I was in the middle of a crisis and turned up puffy eyed and emotional.  An hour of a relaxing back massage, more tears and Reflexology and I was a changed person.  I came out of there full of energy and calm - amzing really seeing as prior to the appointment I could hardly get out of bed and was unmotivated to do so. (The fear of pissing off a Swissie by not keeping an appointment was greater than the comfort of my duvet). My Godmother has severe back problems and had recommended Reflexology to me but I was a bit reluctant but slightly curious - after all, in the clinic I had been converted to Shiatsu massage by a master of the practice and promised myself to keep it up but there is no-one local who practices it entailing an hour long commute to the nearest town.
Yep, it definately works and even if I don't feel such a strong change as the crisis day, it is still "me" time and time to chill out and relax from the dark thoughts which are constantly on my mind at present.

Monday, 31 May 2010

It continues

After a traumatic week last week (visit to the social services and the bankruptcy people) things are not much better.  The cuts on my hands are still visible and I keep picking at them, as if it's some sort of reminder how bad I should be feeling....how I deserve to feel.  After all, I brought it on myself and should take the consequences.  Unfortunately my self essteem is through the floor.  Soon it will be published in the paper that I am bankrupt which means the whole village will know and will be pointing fingers.  No matter how much friends have told me it will be a five minute gossip for most and then forgotten about.
Forgotten about.  This happens a lot in my life.
And it doesn't seem to matter that my boyfriend has found the money to pay these health insurance premiums that I am being bankrupted for, they don't want to know.  And my German is not that good to understand what is going on.  All I know is I am stuck.
I've been sleeping maybe 15 hours a day, I can't get motivated to do anything because every waking moment is spent worrying about my financial situation.  My bank accounts are frozen so I have no control over anything right now.
I just want to die, and being awake makes me obsess about it.
I just can't go on.
I had to email my psychiatrist about the situation which means that maybe I have no treatment because I can't afford it.
What to do?
Someone take the pain away.

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Money problems

Well it has finally happened.  I am three months behind with my health insurance premiums, with no way of paying and they are making me bankrupt.
I had a very scary meeting with the local department that deals with such things.  I had to wait an hour because I was late during which I sobbed uncontrollably and now have some very painful scratches on the back of my hand as this was my method of controlling the hurt.
So they opened a bankruptcy order.
It gets put in the local paper so the whole village will know.  The social won't help me, my boyfriend is stressed out because I am stressed out and I cry myself to sleep every night, if not during the day.
Life can't get any worse, can it?

Tuesday, 4 May 2010

Christmas

So as per my usual behaviour, the Christmas presents I have been meaning to send since last December, were posted today.
And as usual, I feel resentful at the comments I will get spoken behind my back as to why they are late.
So why are they late? Because when I made them (oh yes, they are handmade) and packed them up, I had no money to post them, favouring my medical insurance and food. And then there was the time factor - when I got paid once my bills had gone out I still had no money and was right into the ski season, too busy to get to the post office at the opening times.  I missed many recorded letters because of not being able to pick them up from the post office which proves my point.
So where do I go from here.  Well, I've posted the parcel. Step one. Step two, maybe some form of thankyou (my sister in law is one for doing what is right and polite even if my brother is screaming obscenities about me behind my back). But my biggest worry is that my brother might try to contact me and I am not ready for that. It will bring up the hurt of comments he has made about me so cruelly. An I wanted a psychiatrist monitored phone call, which my brother isn't prepared to do for me.  He would rather sort out my feelings myself and then contact him.  No way.

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Diet Phase 2

Well I say phase 2 because every previous attempt at a diet has not been successful, but so far I have managed two days on normal food with normal eating habits and NO ALCOHOL.
It helps I have some "diet buddies" who are also munching the rabbit food and I SMS them daily with my progress and vice-versa.
On the medical bills front, the Sozialdienst have taken over negotiation with my health insurer and will basically tell them to pay my medical bills because they will only have to pay them anyway eventually.  So I may be able to get more medication and another psychiatrist appointment. Which I desperately need.
I am now unemployed until June and even then it's a bit unstable. I am trying to fill my days constructively and keeping myself busy, but the weeks without a routine are going to be hard to bear.  This is when I usually go a bit nuts and start thinking about self harm/suicide when it all gets too much.

Friday, 9 April 2010

Putting me down

I've just had to deal with a bunch of cunts.  Basically, I clean their chalet (or have been temporarily) and there were meant to be a couple of changeovers but this turned into being a lot more than what they originally said.  So instead of being a clean once in a while it became a clean each week with washing on top.
So I struggled.
Anyway, tried to sort out the money with these rich knobs and they still tried to talk it down despite me running around and bending over backwards (including a free clean) after which the woman owner had a go at me.
So thankyou Mrs L for making me feel small, worthless and not good enough.

Sunday, 4 April 2010

Diets

So, have found a solution to my fatness.  There are two diet options, the first being a diet of bread, butter and water (fibre, protein and water) which promises to make you be able to see your ribs and then you go back to a normal diet.  The other diet is the ABC I found on an anorexic website. It sounds pretty mch like my calorific intake anyway, but maybe I need to approach it differently for it to work. I know, I know, lectures about these diets being dangerous and the like, but you aren't living in my head and you don't see my disgusting body and the pile of clothes that I can't fit into (i.e. all of them). And I have to get control of something in my life seeing as everything else is crazy right now.
Work is busy again but I am beginning to lose my patience with the kids in ski school quite quickly which isn't like me, but it's the end of season.  Had fun today with my mate G, both sitting in the lift house shouting to everyone they were fucking cunts and should all fuck off home.  Slightly childish but satisfying.  Am fairly sure no-one heard us although we were shouting pretty loud.  Then had a Madchester rave to the radio.

Saturday, 27 March 2010

Taking a Break

Sorry peeps, I have been too busy and important to update my blog and quite frankly, not very motivated.
I have had a good week.  My sister came to visit me so we have spent a lot of time drinking and partying.  Not very good for improving my health but at the same time it made me feel happy for a change.  She went home today and I am OK about it and not a quivering, sobbing wreck in the corner.
However, I have 5k worth of medical bills to pay and no money.  The shouty lady at the local debt collectors government office was finally nice to me and has basically told me that the social have to pay.  Highly embarassing, but until they are paid I can't get any more psychiatric treatment.  Managed to wangle more meds out of my GP though.
This is the problem with the health system here.  Works well when you can afford to pay the premiums but if you are working in the unpredictable tourist industry then you have no chance as you may have up to 4 months of the year without work.  I currently have 100chf and my boyfriend to live off until the first week of April.  And then they say the social will pay anyway?! Sometimes I really miss the NHS.
So these money pressures are getting to me, but at the same time there is not much I can do except find the time to visit the social services which is near on impossible over the next week because of work.

Saturday, 13 March 2010

Happy days....or not

God I am pathetic at the moment. Not only have I had to cancel my psych appointments because I have 4k of backlog of medical bills to sort out but my ex has just left town and all we managed was polite hellos and goodbyes, well, not even a goodbye as he was leaving this morning.
So I am in trauma at the moment in the scheme of things, feel guilty about my current boyfriend being totally in love with me and me still lusting after my ex (still......stilll.........7 years).
I am a bad and ugly person. Feelings of harming myself to take away the hurt.  But that is not good, so I am self medicating with red wine.

Tuesday, 9 March 2010

Slow mail to blogger

I am sitting here in a bar, contemplating life with a bottle of wine.
And I am asking myself, what am I doing with my life?
And I am not sure what I am really doing with my life right now.
Is the psychiatry really working?
Is the medication working

Thursday, 18 February 2010

it never ends

I haven't had time to think and I haven't had enough to not think.  I am working two different jobs in one day, plus three other part time ad-hoc jobs and haven't had a day off in two weeks.  Normal ski season in february some might say, i just have difficulty saying "no" to helping other people out for fear of letting them down.
And I am exhausted.
This week alone it all finally hit me.  I wake up crying every day with a pit of fear in my stomach.  I am completely overwhelmed with how I am going to get through the day.
But somehow I manage it.  My boyfriend, J, keeps telling me I am stronger than I realise. (He also tells me to think positively - like yeah, right)  Actually, he has been amazing - this morning when I was having my mini breakdown I snuggled back up to him in bed and cried and cried while he soothed me.  I then managed to get up and go to work.  And then cried for another 3 hours. I then tried to tell my boss that I couldn't work all these hours but he wouldn't listen, even used a hospital appointment as an excuse to which he asked whether I was pregnant.  I don't think he believed it when I said I am crazy and need to see the psychiatrist for my meds.  Nope, swept under the carpet and bullied into two more private lessons.
Alcohol is my weapon of choice right now.  Oh, and Seroquel.

Sunday, 14 February 2010

High Season

Alas, not "high" as in drug related, but "high" as in busy season, which in a ski resort means no time off for the next three weeks.  Not that I have had a day off for two weeks now.  And I am simply exhausted.
I am communicating better with my boyfriend after I kind of caused a row with him last week about him ommitting to tell me the truth (lying?) and he has since reassured me again that he is not going to leave me for about the millionth time while I feel bad about pressuring him.
But after all, like J says, we have come this far and he hasn't gone anywhere.
I have started a CBT book which I am trying to do 20 minutes a day.  The next task is to write myself a letter from 10 years in the future in hope that I will be able to motivate myself.  This task I am finding rather difficult. I mean, each effort I have made to draft something so far sounds so cheesy.  But maybe it is because it makes me feel self conscious and not good enough to give myself praise.

Tuesday, 9 February 2010

Reasons

When it comes to looking after myself, I am the queen of excuses.  Like, I might as well stay in bed today because the world out there is simply too scary, therefore I am safer staying at home.  Or, I find no point in making myself do pointless exercise and eat healthily because I always stay fat and end up tired because there are not enough hours in the day to accomodate my needs, which should, of course, come second to anyone elses. Or otehr such nonsense.
Take today for example.  Me & J have a friend and her son to stay, which is great.  No really, it is.  However, my house is a mess before they got here and so I can't settle until the washing machine is installed, then I can tidy up.  But even though this friend does not disrupt my routine, she kind of does.  i mean, right now, I would probably be curled up on the sofa watching some crap TV.  but I might have gone outside for a walk, or tried my new telescope and watched the stars.  but I feel when someone is here to stay that I have to justify what I am doing.  After all, my mind jumps from idea to idea before I have even realised myself, and this means I end up doing three or four things at once.

Monday, 1 February 2010

My Psychiatrist Appointment and a blast from the past

Difficult psychiatrist appointment last Friday and it's only today that I can face talking about it.
First, we discusse dmy job.  Now I know it sounds idyllic working in a ski resort, but it's bloody hard work.  It never stops - even on my day off I clean chalets just to make ends meet (as working in ski school is dependent on how busy it is and is usually part time). My job this season is supervising the childrens ski area, making sure ski instructors are working together and effectively, sorting out drinks and snacks for the breaks and taking kids to the loo every five minutes, as well as trying to pacify those who are crying their eyes out and screaming for mummy. So it can be pretty stressful, especially when it has been some years since I had a proper job with decision making responsibilities.  I seem to have lost the ability to think clearly and make concrete decisions - I'm getting there, but I feel pressurised by it.  Teaching ski-ing is way easier.
So the increased pressure has made it more difficult for me to relax and take time out - the exhaustion from the decision making and running around and being shouted at all the time (good and bad) means that most afternoons I am asleep instead of doing something constructive like---oooh----exercise, go skiing, meet with friends.  So my target this week is to be more active.  Like I am now, staying awake until the plumber turns up to install the washing machine.
We then moved on to how was my relationship with my boyfriend, J.  Not good.  J seems to have stopped communicating with me, is constantly tired, constantly ill with a cold and has been having some sort of mid-life crisis since last November.  I feel selfish for saying this because he has supported me so much, but it should be a two way process.  This came to a head on Friday night when I came back from the Psych and met him for a drink (yeah, I know).  He insists there is nothing wrong with "us", that only he can help himself out with this.  The thing is, I am losing patience, the way I see it is that I have major things wrong with me and have been big enough to try and take my responsibility for me, even thought it  is really hard.  Plus his behaviour impacts upon both of us, so why there might not be anything "wrong" with "us", our relationship is affected.
Which brings me to the third area for discussion.  My ex (the one, my true love, my best friend) visits in February.  I have no idea when or where he is staying but all I know is I usually have a setback because of the way I feel about him.  I have tried emailing a couple of times last year but had no reply so I should accept that he doesn't give a damn about me, but it still hurts. This is the first time I have been into any detail with my psychiatrist about my relationship with T and what went wrong so I was really shaky about it.  These are feelings I try to bury and it's really hard discussing it, even 6 years after we officially split. I am meant to be "over it" by now. But I am not. Nad some days it feels I never will be.
Then onto meds.  I stopped taking the Zyprexa because it made me fat, so now I am trying Entemen or something, just something to take the edge off.  I didn't go into too much detail about how I haven't felt much like going on recently, but I will try this new med and see how it goes.
In the meantime, I will listen to Newton Faulkner on repeat on my iPod as the words seem particularly poignant at the moment.  My idea is that if I cry and cry about it, maybe some of the hurt will go away.  Got to be better than downing a bottle of wine.

Thursday, 28 January 2010

Germ Farms

The little germ-farms I work with (kids in ski school) have given me yet another infection.  This time a nasty stomach and sickness bug of which the only positive part is shitting out some of the kilos that the Zyprexa gave me. So now I am feeling really sorry for myself and wondering how to go on. It's such a struggle getting to work and despite my best intentions it's really hard to stay motivated.
I met with one of my friends who was at the day clinic with me and we had a really nice afternoon drinking peppermint tea (ladies wot lunch) and supporting each other.  I was quite honest about my drinking habits and she talked about her medication and difficulties with her job. I felt like we understand each other and what each other is going through (to the extent that you can relate to each others experiences).
And then I left and I felt sad.  And lonely.  And not well, so I went to the doctor about this stomach bug because my boss was nagging me about getting better before the "high season" (alas not a reference to illegal drugs but to the busy part of the ski season) as there is absolutely no way I can afford to be ill financially or job wise during the whole of February.
I have my appointment with my Psychiatrist tomorrow but I really don't feel like talking.  I feel like I am becoming more and more introverted.  I am sick of myself.  I am sick of the meds.  I am sick of all my wishes to get better, of trying to make improvements to my life and taking care of myself coming to nothing because I can't quite manage to get motivated or get organised.
I feel at a total loss what to do with myself and the absence of Zyprexa I can only obsess about one option.

Tuesday, 26 January 2010

Can't shift this low mood

It's no good.  Despite my best efforts, I can't seem to shift this low mood, repetitive thoughts and apathy.  I guess its the cutting back on the Zyprexa having an effect on me because I can't stop obsessing about, well, not having any money. Work is a real struggle too, I'm finding it so difficult to get through the day.  Luckily I can sneak off to smoke another cigarette, but I really feel the pressure and not able to cope (although I am coping somehow). I'm not sure how much longer I can go on.  My boyfriend is still having a mid-life crisis and won't talk about it or changes the subject when I try.  So I feel even more useless and crap than normal. Am sick of the sound of myself right now, just want to talk to someone.

Saturday, 23 January 2010

Ear Ear

Bloody ear infection got worse, I ended up phoning my boyfriend and dragging him from the pub (again), screaming in pain and all he could do was ask, "what can I do?" (although he did do some very nice breathing technique focusing stuff).  I just screamed at him to phone the bloody doctor and get me some goddamn fuck off huge painkillers, which surprisingly he did. 
I have now realised I am a complete lightweight when it comes to pain, although strangely if it self inflicted I kinda like it. I thought about why that is and all I can come up with is the old "control" card.  Self inflicted pain is something I have control over.  Random ear pain (which was on a par with infected tooth pain) is not something I can control.  The plus point is that the antibiotics from the ear infection have finally caught up with my digestive system and so the unwanted weight gain is leaping off in pounds - yeay!
Because I am such a lightweight with the pain I had no intention of an hour journey down the mountain to see my psychiatrist, in favour of my duvet and House m.d. repeats (season 4, v.good).  Instead, he phoned me and we had a quick chat about how I was (ok mostly, more stable but still some mood swings) and I told him the Zyprexa was helping mood-wise but not weight wise.  So we are upping the Lamotrigine and cutting down the Zyprexa and will discuss next week the alternatives (provided the insurance will pay for the different drugs). I didn't quite get round to telling him that I had gone cold turkey on the Zyprexa and to make up for the resulting insomnia I had been popping the old 100mg Seroquel.  (Slept until 11.30 a,m, today - loooooverleeeyyyy!)
really should get back to real work soon, I am getting used to this life of unemployment as ski school have no work for me right now until Monday, so that's 2 weeks money I have lost out on. Which means I will probably be back to the old scrimping and saving, trying to get my bills paid and having no money for the rest of the month.

Thursday, 21 January 2010

leave of absence

Not felt like blogging much.  I am still reeling from the fact that I have heard my ex will be here in a couple of weeks time (note to self: trigger) plus I have a raging ear infection which has got worse over the week, culminating today - I am in agony and I am a right wüss with pain.  I should have gone straight to the doctor but decided instead to wait until my appointment tomorrow morning.  Bad move.  I am crawling up the walls  and will sell my soul for painkillers right now.
Interesting programme about the pill popping nation last night. (on english TV). Made me feel even worse when my boyfriend commented on his worries about me taking antidepressents.  That's aside of the fat comments right now.  I don't know where I am going with this but it upset me.
Had a great day skiing with my friend S today, just what I needed and we laughed a lot.  I love days like that, make me feel human again.
Psych appointment tomorrow as well.  Lots to catch up on.  I am going to tell him no more Zyprexa because it makes me fat (kinda counteracts the reason for taking it to feel better).

Monday, 18 January 2010

Positive Day

So today I have been really "proactive" in keeping myself occupied and mind off "things" by going for a long walk and having a late lunch with my friends.  (Well done me). But I've been thinking about my medication - I have definately put on at least 10 kilos since starting the Zyprexa and Lamotragine, so one of them is messing up my ability to keep in shape.  I do a lot of exercise and eat the right things at the moment and the weight just doesn't seem to be shifting.  Today I am being really practical about it but tomorrow I could be devastated by it.  Anyway, decided to bring it up at my appointment on Friday.
I also feel quite positive about going teetotal again and I think this will also help me to lose weight.  Just got to not go out though, but I can't really afford it anyway.
I feel like I am travelling in circles again. 

Sunday, 17 January 2010

Crap

He's coming to visit in February.  I've just been told.  Wierd (expensive) time to visit so I just don't get it, maybe he went to Uni after all.
Anyway, not dealing with it well.

Thursday, 14 January 2010

Older, but no wiser

Haven't blogged for a week because, well, I just couldn't be arsed. I have been feeling better after the New Year downer until I realised it was then my birthday.  Being 35 is certainly more shit than being 34 purely because I now have to tick the 35-45 category on surveys and I am kind of not able to still get away with dancing on the bar and causing arguments with random strangers as I am meant to be "grown up".
And my boyfriend has been in an arsey mood for the last week because it's his birthday today.  Not that I've seen him since our work shifts clash nicely.
Still got to post Christmas presents.  Still got no money (except for the tiny amount I will be earning on the side for the next two nights running a glühwein stall) and still got bills to pay.  Dreading getting my first tax bill. If I could just have the next two months being paid enough to clear that backlog then I will be OK.
Not toooooo much thinking about past lives/cutting self/crying lots (good) but far to much drinking going on.  Last night I ended up with my head down the toilet at home and then passing out on the bathroom floor (snoring apparently).  Only the cat seemed concerned, maybe he thought his source of food and attention was about to pop her clogs.  anyway, I missed my night time medication (not good), feel like crap today (not good), but vaguely remember being slightly well behaved even though I was off my tits on beer/prosecco/red wine and even ate a local donkey kebab.  That's probably why my head was down the toilet then.  All I do remember is that I didn't pay for any drinks because I had no money, choosing to instead run up bar tabs to be paid when I am in a state to feel ashamed by them.
I got a book - I can make you Thin by Paul Mckenna. It''s how to improve your relationship with food rather than go on a crash diet.  I really like the philosophy involved and how to approach food.  Am thinking it may work with the drink side as well, so maybe I can control my drink through changing my attitude rather than medication.  The panic for me is the thought of never having a drink again.  Anyway, nearly a year since I stopped being sober so maybe I go teetotal again.

Wednesday, 6 January 2010

Levelling out and then dips again

I thought positively.  I thought, "I will try contacting some of my friends, see how they are." So I went on Facebook and started scrolling down the home page.  But then I saw them. Photos of friends having fun without me there to share it. Photos of friends in places where my heart really is.  And then I thought, well I have chosen my life and have to get on with it as best as I can. I am living where I want to and doing what I want to be doing.  And then I remember, I am living here so I can ski.  I wanted to live by the beach in the summer.  I wanted winters abroad and summers in the UK.  With someone I love(d).
And then I remember that some things are not ever going to be and I remember I am with someone who loves me very much and who treats me well and who tolerates my lows and calms down my highs.  And I love him in a sort of way.  Then I remember the consuming, heart wrenching, whole being love I felt before.  And then I ask myself, why the surreal happened and I kissed another for no reason other than he was being nice to me and talked sense about lifes lows, that finally someone seemed to "get it" in the days when I couldn't express it to anyone and the doctor turned me away.
Then I remember why I hate myself sometimes for being the very cheat that I despise, would it have made a difference if I had confessed even though the person was so insignificant to me that to confess would have deeply hurt the one I truly loved?
Would I ever have another chance to right the wrongs, to rebuild the trust.
Because I know if I could drop everything tomorrow for another chance, that I would.  We are meant to be, I just know it.
And if we are not to be, I don't know how to get past that, because 7 years of time hasn't changed a thing except I am aware of who I am now.
The pain and hurt is still there, in my throat, in my chest.  It is nearly overwhelming me and I am verging on the wrong side of the knife which has been my companion since school, faithfully there through the lows, marking my skin, pain causing pain healing pain.

Monday, 4 January 2010

On the Up, thank goodness

I appear to be out of a five day depression and I am so grateful, I felt horrible and even the meds weren't working.  I  hate feeling so low and I try to feel positive but feelings are feelings and emotions are emotions - positive thinking is just not something that sinks in when my brain chemistry is fucked anyway.  Yesterday was a terrible struggle to get to work and maintain some form of control when all I could cope with was having a shedload of seroquel and sleeping it off.  (I love oblivion). but I didn't, and I got through the day, even forced myself (and I mean humungous effort) to go ski-ing, kept telling myself I would feel better, but in the end instead of me letting down a friend, they let me down and didn't appear.  OK, I thought, my man is still skiing and we haven't had much time together, but no, he was back in the village already.  Felt sad, disappointed and unloved - yep, all my own insecurities and I should just "get over it" but I don't function like normal people and just couldn't. Thought bollocks to it, need oblivion and turned to the red wine instead of the prescription meds.
Realised that while before I would just self harm, the last 7 years I have self medicated with alcohol (which leads to even more self harm) and ask myself, why bother anyway, it's not like I am anyone special.It's not like I can cope or not fuck up relationships like I do.  I can't even face socialising tonight which is the only way of seeing my boyfriend as when he comes home he has a bath and goes to bed, maybe eats.  But I can't leave him or I would be as bad as the way my last relationship ended and J really loves me.  I just have to ride it out, maybe it's my pennance or something.

Friday, 1 January 2010

Poem for the past

Just been surfing the net and checking all my mentalist websites when I found this on Madnotbad.  I think it sums me up in 2003/04 when life was far, far worse than it is now, when I hit rock bottom and started to get professional help.  Unfortunately, the professional help was not adequate hence a reoccurance and many more years of therapy (I dooo try). Anyway, I think she sums up my state of mind and actions at the time way better than I could ever say (I tend to draw).

Without You

Just a little cautionary note: This poem may be TRIGGERY for some. Keep yourself safe and please don't read it if you think it'll badly affect you. If you need help or support, please see the resources section or contact The Samaritans.
Take Care, xxx R
I am without. Without you, an outsider, a spectator upon what life could have been for me, and what it could never have been. There is much that is beyond the realm of possibility. A love that is anything other than destructive and unrequited. A sense of belonging.
I can blame no one but myself. For who would desire my stifling, claustrophobic adoration? The type of love that has four walls, growing ever closer. Suffocating.
I cannot help but remember the time when you did. Did you? How could you have loved me? You did. You were mine, and I was yours. Yet at the same time, memory and fantasy become blurred, reality and falsehood indistinct from one another.
Truth eludes me.
I wanted to hold you in my arms. Wanted to gather up every piece of you and hold you and protect you. To destroy the world that was not us. Of course I did not.
Some things never change.
You were gone in a second. Was I yours? Your only source of comfort? Did you love me as I loved you? You were mine. You trusted me.
The world was spinning. Retching painfully, my eyes burning with…tears? How
could this be? I was crying … I cried. I don’t cry. I cried for you, but mostly for myself. Selfish as ever. Every tear that fell driving me further into my frenzy of self-loathing.
Loathsome. Unlovable. Unworthy.
I’ve been living to see you for so long. Too long you have been the only passion in my life. Destructive love. I cried then…I cannot cry any more.
I hate you so much for leaving me … I love you endlessly. I wish I could hurt you like you hurt me, but more than anything I want this numbness to end. I want to see if I still feel.
A knife. A blade. So sharp … so beautiful.
A clenched fist, a shiver. Tensed. A flash of silver, and a hiss of breath. Release.
A pain I can feel. Real. An emotion I can understand. Control. A pause, then a trickling red stream. This is not enough. I need more. I tear at my own flesh, begging it to bleed, begging it to pour.
I always needed more. This is the only way. Will you even know? Will anyone? I want you to know I love you.
Cutting … This is not good enough … Slashing ... You were never good enough … deeper and deeper … No one wants you. No one will want you now … A crimson torrent … Carved … No one will love you like this … Frantic … No-one will miss you. You won’t even care … Don’t stop … More … don’t fail at this too … you always were a failure … just don’t stop …
Far away, I hear someone is screaming. Someone is sobbing. Do you cry for me? Do you love me too? Do you even care?
I never did know when to stop. All I wanted was for you never to stop loving me. All I wanted was for the pain to stop.
Stop.
by Seva

Happy New Year?

I guess that's the good thing about being depressed at New Year - no expectations that this year will be any better.  However, I am constantly telling myself that there is hope for this year, that everyone had a bad year in 2009 with relationships, money, work etc.
Even so, last night was, well, depressing.
I stayed at home for a change.  Every one of my few friends here was working. I am avoiding the bar I would have gone in to blag some free champagne because the barman has screwed over two of my friends financially and has caused a ruction in the village after he was sacked from his job (rightfully so, but I can say that because I worked for him in 2008). So I stayed at home, cooked lasagne from scratch and drank a bottle of wine. My boyfriend came home, wolfed down his dinner and went to bed . He hates New Year (and Christmas and Birthdays come to that) so I wasn't expecting much anyway.
This has been the worst New Year ever.
They never used to be like this, they used to be filled with good food, fine wine, fancy dress and phoning the cats at midnight so they could hear the new year in on the answerphone.I feel today that I can't really face anyone except my cat (boyfriend workinh)  and am finishing my bubbly while thinking of how i fuck things up, how a stupid kiss from a man who was just being nice to me that i didn't fancy fucked up my chance at true love and  I have never felt tintense true love since. But I can't turn back the clock, I can't have another chance with "the One". I think I am feeling sorry for myself, but I really feel sorry for the ones I have lost and hurt for my actions. I feel ashamed.