Wednesday, 28 October 2009

Relapse

I returned to the clinic yesterday morning after a "trying" weekend.  I had a row with my boyfriend about the Liverpool Poisoned Dwarf and was still stewing over it so by the end of Monday I was fuming and ready to let rip with not only him, but anyone else who dared to cross me.  Rage is a strange thing to explain - I feel my chest and throat tighten and the term "my blood boiled" is a very effective way of describing the feeling. Anyhoo, did the usual and went and got drunk. Yep, alcohol of the red wine variety in enormous quantities.  It didn't help that my friend working behind the bar kept filling up my glass without me asking (I know that she does this and yet never stop her) and before long I was staggering home with J, fell asleep on the sofa, only going to bed 2 hours later (and tripping over a large old style TV in the process - house moving).  That's 5 hours of my life. Gone! Vanished! All because I have no control over my drinking habits.  There is a strange sense about me that I don't even care, but the pragmatic side knows that I must or it will only get worse and I will repeat the errors my dad made.  So time to grow up and face facts, I cannot drink alcohol in a controlled manner.


I had my weekly meeting with my assigned person, Herr S. who I feel I can trust. We had, in the previous week, completed an exercise in which we were looking at difficult situations and how we reacted to them and were asked to complete homework.  The argument with J and the subsequent alcohol consumption was a perfect example of when feelings go wrong. So we discussed how I dealt with the situation, what feelings and emotions I was experiencing and considering alternatives.


What came out was that I had a choice at the crossroads and needed to take the other path away from alcohol. I realise I cannot stop at one glass, I know I can abstain from alcohol (as I did Feb 08 - Feb 09) and I don't want to go down that road.  My strategy for this week is to get to Saturday without alcohol.   Afterwards, I will try for the next week and so on.


I also have problems with my health insurance - there was an outstanding bill which was pretty bad, but now they want shit loads of money in back-payments which were refunded to me before they will pay my day clinic fees.  I am sure I am up to date and cannot find any premiums or reminders of premiums that are unpaid.  I see the sozialdienst (social services) tomorrow or Friday and hopefully they can advise what to do.

Sunday, 25 October 2009

Why only perfect people should have children

Yep, am being sarcastic too.....


http://psychiatrist-blog.blogspot.com/2009/10/only-perfect-people-should-have.html


...........but no worries, the extermination squad can rest easy, I have no intention of having a child for the following reasons:
1) It is predisposed to depression, something I wouldn't wish on anyone, child or not
2) Has a crazy mother (me)
3) They don't appear to have kidderies i.e. like catteries but for children (well, maybe without the cages) for when I go on holiday.  And I really can't face the prospect of a week package holiday at a "family friendly resort with babysitting service" among other teeny tinies covered in ketchup, poo and snot. Don't do nappies either.
4) although I bond well with children (apart from my nephews who are never allowed to stay in the room alone with me for more than 30 seconds so I never have the chance to), I actually quite like handing them back at the end.  A 3 hour ski lesson can wipe me out sometimes after being so upbeat and cheerful because I really want them to have fun. I know realistically I couldn't do that 24/7 even though my boyfriend, J, would certainly help. 
5) I have no maternal instinct at all.  Now people say it will kick in, my older brother seems to think that I am "getting a bit old" to be having kids (!!!!!! I am 34!!!!!!) but really, I have spoken to two of my friends who became pregnant accidentally (one finding out at 5 months) and both said pregnancy was awful and even then until the thing was pushed out were still in denial.  That's nine months of my life I can do without. One even said to me that while she wouldn't not want her child, if she could have had an abortion she would have done.  And she was 39 when her boy was born.


Isn't it a shame that I feel I have to justify my reasons for not wanting a child.  But really, despite what my family want me to do, I am simply not interested. Yep, OK, that could be seen as selfish.  But why the hell not? Why can't I be selfish? You only get one life (unless you are Bhuddist which i am definately going to be so that I don't fuck up next time round) so we keep getting told, so why should I spend it working my ass of to be dictated to when I can take my holidays by the school, forking out a small fortune in throwaway toys and clothes and generally falling into the day in day out routine of mundane mortgages, cars and careers. That's why i left the UK - I couldn't do it as an adult ohne kinder so I can't see how I could manage with. I like to pick up a bag and go on holiday to Nepal or Canada or whereever when I like, with whoever I like.


I don't hate children - some members of my family believe that I do.  If I did, I wouldn't be teaching them to ski or to swim. I just want to be accepted for who I am, not who people think I should be.

Saturday, 24 October 2009

Moving on.....

Friday was unfortunately very rainy and is normally "exercise day". In the morning we went for a walk along by the river and back again. Then we had brunch Swiss style: bread, cheese, meats, yoghurts, orange juice, coffee, very nice but as I have a weakness for bread there wasn't enough for me! Tried to limit to 4 slices. 


Afternoon we played board games again because it was still raining - the board game we played was one I had played before and I clearly couldn't react quick enough for cross-eyed and grumpy S, who I think would have punched me if she could.  I don't know if it was because she was getting impatient or whether it was because I couldn't remember all the rules because I haven't played it for ages, or maybe it was her meds, but I was wavering a bit (especially because I was getting tired and had been in a really good day for me mood-wise with loads of energy).  I quickly recovered myself by putting it to the back of my mind - my mind keeps jumping at the moment anyway.


I spent today with my boyfriend, painting and cleaning our new apartment (although it was already clean, I can never settle until I have cleaned the new place myself). It was good.  I didn't feel stressed out and haven't felt overwhelmed by thinking about what we have left to move.  In fact, J is probably more depressed than me at the moment - he has been in a hole all week - the difference is our roles of support are reversed.

Thursday, 22 October 2009

Raffia work anyone?

I am in the Day Clinic in the nearest town a week early because mysteriously a space became available after Dr I.S. made a phone call (after all, he is the boss).  I kind of new what to expect but it's day 4 and already I've had traumas.


Day 1 was fine, I was 10 minutes late (there's a surprise, who can't read a timetable?) and I interrupted the Monday morning review of the weekend but everyone was very welcoming.  I was assigned a "buddy" to help me settle in.  One of the patients is from the village where I live and we have followed that code used between us mentalists not to let on to other people that we are both a bit crazy. We had kind of movement therapy in the morning and I can't remember much about the afternoon except for DBT stuff and then I had my appointment with Dr B. He is nice but I missing my psychiatrist already and am a bit distrusting of new people.  I tried my best with the German but was nervous and the word order came out wrong. Got home and started rereading all the German words I had forgotten from before which describe feeling crap.


Day 2 also good.  We were allowed to play with clay (yippee my favourite!) and so I made an ashtray.  Actually, all the smokers were making an ashtray - if you ever need one just go to Psychiatric daycare, there are plenty. Tuesday afternoons is a games afternoon. I usually kick ass at "Uno" but have rapidly discovered that there are people out their with way better tactics than me. Trivial Pursuit - forget it.  I think if I could read the question it might have helped me but the answers were impossible anyway, all swiss history and the like. anyhoo, bowed out but listened intently.  End of afternoon coffee break was loud, raucous and I was feeling really tired from concentrating by then, as I always am whatever I am doing.


Day 3 (yesterday) - Not good. Morning I was given the task of drawing how I feel. I won't describe it here, would take too long to explain, but it kept my mind occupied for a good couple of hours.  I needed to be kept occupied because I was already anxious from the day before about the meeting which we all have with Psychiatrist/Psycologists/therapists etc. Oh hell, lets just add in the cleaner, the gardener, the prostitutes from next door etc. as when I say the above, I mean a meeting with 5 (or was it 6? Too many to count) personnel in the room. I had to go in, show my half finished picture and then ask questions or be asked questions.  Like, no pressure or anything (note sarcasm). Of course, my head then went into overdrive and I could hardly put an english sentence together let alone a german one and for some reason became horribly embarassed of the fact that I would be speaking German in front of my Psychiatrist.  Bet they're laughing at me behind my back. It was HORRIBLE. And we do this every week. Shit. Shit. Shit.


Then, my bresprechsperson and I had a meeting and basically he brought up the following issues:
1. Was my german good enough, because I hadnt spoken german in the torture room. (I think it's good enough and certainly not brilliant, even worse when I am put in a situation way out of my comfort zone.)


2. Did I worry about people taking the piss or going on about how an auslander should know the language by now etc. etc. etc. (Not really, when you have been purposefully tripped up by a work "colleague" with a full tray of drinks, the same person who ignores you every day and basically tries anything to point out you don't belong here, I am so over it. This is a whole other rant I could go on, but it's not for here. I mean, I'm not saying it doesn't upset me sometimes, if I am upset then everything will upset me, but if I was going to find it a big problem then why on earth would I have said yes to going to the tagesklinik.  Maybe I should stay at home cutting myself and staying in bed all day.  Maybe they are trying to tell me that I don't belong.  But it was like, all right, enough already! And now I have that obsessive thought that people don't like me, that people don't want me to belong and that it would be better to get rid of me so that someone on the waiting list can go instead.  Someone with perfect umlauts or something. Whatever. So now I want to speak even less because I am paranoid someone has said something. 


Leaving post, got myself all in a tizz again.



Thursday, 15 October 2009

Baby, did you forget to take your meds.....?

Went to the apotheke (chemist) today to pick up a new prescription for Zyprexa. I was listening to my psychiatrist the other day but have forgotten - I think this will replace the Wellbutrin - ah well, will find out soon enough.

Anyway, scary chemist lady (not the nice lady owner) brought out a sheaf of papers of info about all the medications I have. She asked me which ones I have (so I listed the 7 or so and whether they are in reserve/daily etc. while she looked disapprovingly at me) and then proceeded to tell me about all the interactions between them, including Effexor and Wellbutrin which according to her is not a good mix.

Hmm.

Funny, seems to have worked so far without any rashes, diabetes or brain haemorraghes or whatever they cause - pretty much everything judging by the leaflets - am guessing Big Pharma cover their arses by listing every condition imaginable (except Lupus, "it's never Lupus" - House M.D.)

So I stood there taking all this information in at the same time justifying why I am taking the medications that I take. Then the irritability set in - hang on a minute, isn't my Psychiatrist the expert and she someone with the equivalent of an NVQ in making TNT? I know which one I trust thankyou!

So apart from adding to my anxiety, irritability and general fear of her, I suppose it was quite sweet that she had my interests at heart and is clearly that bored between tourist seasons that she has time to look up the notes on the computer. And Buddha help me when I have a cold as they will only ever give me Paracetamol, (surely not the wisest medication for a wavering suicidal mental wreck?) which must take them ages to research. Even my Housedoctor was looking for something for a cold and gave up after page 4 of the contraindications for Lamictal.

So, J is on skin rash and cramp (presuming she means DVT) watch, just what he needs when he is recovering from an appendix operation. Although today he has been an absolute sweetie (which he is most of the time) by bringing me cups of tea and cooking dinner while I am a lazy arse watching Erin Brokovitches Amazing Women on Zone Reality.

Get Well Soon

I love this link:


Like a sodding card will fix it, would rather be given back my mobile phone and get lots of SMS's as opposed to having it locked up after 8pm (when my family and friends in the UK are home from work and have time to talk to me). Waiting for post from the UK at the present time with the snailmail strikes just adds to the all familiar depressive state of disappointment.

Nah, Just open some internet cafe's in psych clinics (with restrictions for the porn addicted) and connect us to the outside world once in a while.

The only cards I want are those containing money like my granny used to send at Christmas.

Procrastinating

Really, really should sort out my sleep pattern. It's late and I am still reading random stuff on Wikipedia (my latest addiction - fascinating stuff about everything), no doubt J is pissed off (I can hear him snoring in the other room) because I haven't gone to bed yet. But this is one big area where we differ - I am a night owl, he is an early bird. Not normally a problem but at the moment I have no inclination to do much other than sleep and so am making the most of my waking hours, however inconvenient they are. Not helped by the fact that J bought me a bottle of wine and 3 glasses of that certainly don't help. I've told him he is not to buy any more junk food, alcohol etc. that I like because I am trying to go healthy - can't keep eating Coop chocolate popcorn for my dinner (even though it is yummy).

Pick up keys for apartment today (Thursday), bit nervous, what if it is crap after all?

Wednesday, 14 October 2009

Sounds like a plan....

So my appointment went really well (for me). I have got a review of my medications, can start the day clinic next week (seeing as I am not on holiday) and have had shit loads of bloods taken for testing (not sure what for but certainly my thyroid again). I feel quite positive today, although a little muddled in where to start first with paperwork, bills etc. I think I need to start being a control freak with my post and deal with it straight away. The trouble is, I am very good at making lists and sorting things into relevant piles, I'm just not very good at the actioning bit.

I also need to sort out a year round job - after my appointment with the RAV (unemployment office) last week, I seriously need to get my act together and start applying. Have already failed my target last week of 2 jobs. I just keep looking at my "intray" (cardboard box) and it looks just a little bit too much right now. My best way of dealing with being overwhelmed is, well, to go and have a "power nap" for three hours or so and then tackle stuff head on. When I am motivated. Which I kind of am right now but am using my energy on procrastinating on the internet instead of doing stuff I should be doing. I'm doing a good job of convincing J that I am job hunting now that he is home from his appendix operation and noticing how much I am on the internet.

Not thinking about next week. I'm sure I will be fine, of course I will. There's nothing to be anxious about except my brain being fuddled and completely forgetting how to speak any German whatsoever.

I had a really sweet phone call from a friend of mine this morning - I had sent her an SMS to say I would be "off the mountain" next week and did she want to meet up, because I would be in the nutty clinic. She phoned me to say I wasn't to call it that and that I wasn't nuts. Nearly made me cry in a kind of happy sort of way. Sometimes I really feel cared for.

Tuesday, 13 October 2009

Psycho appointment

Got an "emergency" one in a couple of hours so hope my Psych is looking forward to half an hour of ranting about how shit meds are, that I am raging and irritable and what is the bloody point.

Hope he enjoyed his holiday.

Anyway, don't think I will be getting a financial incentive to take my medication - I mean, what is that about? If I get to a stage where I refuse to take them I think it's time to go to the nutty room. Well, I need a holiday and at least I get to do some "therapies" like painting paper black, making stuff out of clay that can be thrown at the wall etc.

Sunday, 11 October 2009

Life

Hate it. Off to self medicate. Would've asked for more meds at hospital but it wasn't clear where to go.

Friday, 9 October 2009

And then it all goes downhill.....

So lunchtime, J walks in after going to the doctor for three days worth of trapped wind to find he is referred to the hospital with suspected appendicitis. Spent 5 hours waiting while various tests done and me translating for him. He hates hospitals and was not best pleased when they told him the appendix had to go.

J hates a fuss when he is ill and so was insistent it was not a big deal. My insecurities were playing on my mind as everyone who I have loved that's gone to hospital hasn't come back out. Added to this, J couldn't see the point of me hanging around and said I could hang around if i wanted but that I might as well go home. Kick in rejection sensitivity. So while I am hiding being on the verge of tears (after all, J was the one having an operation) doctor "Axel" comes in with the ECG/EKG to say that it was not normal and could indicate a heart problem. Cue J going into denial, thought would be best that I didn't mention it for now.

Dr Axel phoned me after the op to say J was fine, I am 1.5 hours away and one hour before the last train up the mountain is due, wish I had stayed with friend in valley but can't deal with the thought of being with people but am equally lonely. Just me and the cat. And J won't let me pick him up from the hospital tomorrow.

Upbeat

I think the meds are working. I have a lot of energy and am surviving on 6 hours of sleep - unheard of!! I have been getting up voluntarily before 7 a.m. - unheard of! Had a couple of wobbles around 4ish like before but apart from that I am upbeat at the moment.

Monday, 5 October 2009

Moods

No Holiday. Too late to get a renewed passport except for an emergency one. Have let my friend down - she has been looking forward to this for months now. So my mood has dropped from the top of the mountain to about a third of the way up from the valley floor - at the moment is stabilising there.

The local RAV (unemployment office) have just phoned me - I have to go tomorrow for the "information day" which all unemployed scum have to attend. I then have the humiliating task of a one to one interview where my health is sure to be probed. Starting to feel anxious now. I think my cat is picking up on it because he is a little bit flighty today.

Friday, 2 October 2009

Shorter post than the last one (no, really....)

You may have noticed my blog has turned pink. This is my attempt to be all girly and also to brighten up my posts. Something about colour therapy.

The last few days I have been pretty hyper (for me). Up before 7 a.m. (unheard of normally) and stay awake the whole day - I am getting so much stuff done!! I never knew there were so many hours in a day! All this despite a cold.

I really, really, really do not like the Lamictal stuff though. Am convinced that the drenching night sweats are down to this although I can't find much evidence of others experiencing this on the internet reviews I have found. I still have new spots appearing on my face every day. My bf tells me he still loves me anyway, but I feel so ugly and unsexy. And bloated. And I never really worry about my weight these days, don't even know how much I weigh, but I am definitely a heffer at the moment.

Waiting for my Psychiatrist to get back. How dare he have a holiday like right now!! No, I am pleased he is having a well earned rest with his family but I miss not having an appointment with him this week. The doctors at the day clinic said I must phone if I have a crisis, or in a major crisis go to A&E, plus my GP did to. I always tell them of course I will, followed by the statement that I say that to stop them telling me to contact them because I know I never will because I convince myself that I am a) wasting their time, b) am clearly feeling sorry for myself and should just buck up my ideas and c) my bf probably won't let me for fear of me being locked up.

Tackled the hoooooogggge pile of bills, got them organised, know where I am financially (without a paddle) and finally built up the courage to talk to J about it all. I showed him a budget I had drawn up for the "fresh start" in the new apartment. He didn't seem that impressed, more impatient and that it was too much hassle for him. Could I simplify it? OMG is a joint account for bills a little bit excessive? I told him it was up to him but it was a way of making sure we had bills paid and some in reserve for emergencies rather than scraping around when a bill comes in. I pointedly put on how much money he has left over after all bills but didn't mention it but he did say that most of it was spent on food shopping which he and I both know is bollox but he was getting tetchy.

This, combined with the cold and sheer worry about how I can tell my friend that there is no way I can go on the holiday she has been looking forward to all year (no money, no passport, no money to get new passport), can feel myself starting to dip. Everywhere is so loud at the moment, can't get any peace to think.

Also had a message from an old friend who gave me a brief (unasked for) update about an old lover/flame/The ONE which I was eager to read but sad to hear he seems stuck in a rut. If only I hadn't fucked up and we were living out our dreams together like we planned.

The past is the past and all that crap.