Wednesday, 24 February 2010

So True................

Thursday, 18 February 2010

it never ends

I haven't had time to think and I haven't had enough to not think.  I am working two different jobs in one day, plus three other part time ad-hoc jobs and haven't had a day off in two weeks.  Normal ski season in february some might say, i just have difficulty saying "no" to helping other people out for fear of letting them down.
And I am exhausted.
This week alone it all finally hit me.  I wake up crying every day with a pit of fear in my stomach.  I am completely overwhelmed with how I am going to get through the day.
But somehow I manage it.  My boyfriend, J, keeps telling me I am stronger than I realise. (He also tells me to think positively - like yeah, right)  Actually, he has been amazing - this morning when I was having my mini breakdown I snuggled back up to him in bed and cried and cried while he soothed me.  I then managed to get up and go to work.  And then cried for another 3 hours. I then tried to tell my boss that I couldn't work all these hours but he wouldn't listen, even used a hospital appointment as an excuse to which he asked whether I was pregnant.  I don't think he believed it when I said I am crazy and need to see the psychiatrist for my meds.  Nope, swept under the carpet and bullied into two more private lessons.
Alcohol is my weapon of choice right now.  Oh, and Seroquel.

Sunday, 14 February 2010

High Season

Alas, not "high" as in drug related, but "high" as in busy season, which in a ski resort means no time off for the next three weeks.  Not that I have had a day off for two weeks now.  And I am simply exhausted.
I am communicating better with my boyfriend after I kind of caused a row with him last week about him ommitting to tell me the truth (lying?) and he has since reassured me again that he is not going to leave me for about the millionth time while I feel bad about pressuring him.
But after all, like J says, we have come this far and he hasn't gone anywhere.
I have started a CBT book which I am trying to do 20 minutes a day.  The next task is to write myself a letter from 10 years in the future in hope that I will be able to motivate myself.  This task I am finding rather difficult. I mean, each effort I have made to draft something so far sounds so cheesy.  But maybe it is because it makes me feel self conscious and not good enough to give myself praise.

Tuesday, 9 February 2010


When it comes to looking after myself, I am the queen of excuses.  Like, I might as well stay in bed today because the world out there is simply too scary, therefore I am safer staying at home.  Or, I find no point in making myself do pointless exercise and eat healthily because I always stay fat and end up tired because there are not enough hours in the day to accomodate my needs, which should, of course, come second to anyone elses. Or otehr such nonsense.
Take today for example.  Me & J have a friend and her son to stay, which is great.  No really, it is.  However, my house is a mess before they got here and so I can't settle until the washing machine is installed, then I can tidy up.  But even though this friend does not disrupt my routine, she kind of does.  i mean, right now, I would probably be curled up on the sofa watching some crap TV.  but I might have gone outside for a walk, or tried my new telescope and watched the stars.  but I feel when someone is here to stay that I have to justify what I am doing.  After all, my mind jumps from idea to idea before I have even realised myself, and this means I end up doing three or four things at once.

Monday, 1 February 2010

My Psychiatrist Appointment and a blast from the past

Difficult psychiatrist appointment last Friday and it's only today that I can face talking about it.
First, we discusse dmy job.  Now I know it sounds idyllic working in a ski resort, but it's bloody hard work.  It never stops - even on my day off I clean chalets just to make ends meet (as working in ski school is dependent on how busy it is and is usually part time). My job this season is supervising the childrens ski area, making sure ski instructors are working together and effectively, sorting out drinks and snacks for the breaks and taking kids to the loo every five minutes, as well as trying to pacify those who are crying their eyes out and screaming for mummy. So it can be pretty stressful, especially when it has been some years since I had a proper job with decision making responsibilities.  I seem to have lost the ability to think clearly and make concrete decisions - I'm getting there, but I feel pressurised by it.  Teaching ski-ing is way easier.
So the increased pressure has made it more difficult for me to relax and take time out - the exhaustion from the decision making and running around and being shouted at all the time (good and bad) means that most afternoons I am asleep instead of doing something constructive like---oooh----exercise, go skiing, meet with friends.  So my target this week is to be more active.  Like I am now, staying awake until the plumber turns up to install the washing machine.
We then moved on to how was my relationship with my boyfriend, J.  Not good.  J seems to have stopped communicating with me, is constantly tired, constantly ill with a cold and has been having some sort of mid-life crisis since last November.  I feel selfish for saying this because he has supported me so much, but it should be a two way process.  This came to a head on Friday night when I came back from the Psych and met him for a drink (yeah, I know).  He insists there is nothing wrong with "us", that only he can help himself out with this.  The thing is, I am losing patience, the way I see it is that I have major things wrong with me and have been big enough to try and take my responsibility for me, even thought it  is really hard.  Plus his behaviour impacts upon both of us, so why there might not be anything "wrong" with "us", our relationship is affected.
Which brings me to the third area for discussion.  My ex (the one, my true love, my best friend) visits in February.  I have no idea when or where he is staying but all I know is I usually have a setback because of the way I feel about him.  I have tried emailing a couple of times last year but had no reply so I should accept that he doesn't give a damn about me, but it still hurts. This is the first time I have been into any detail with my psychiatrist about my relationship with T and what went wrong so I was really shaky about it.  These are feelings I try to bury and it's really hard discussing it, even 6 years after we officially split. I am meant to be "over it" by now. But I am not. Nad some days it feels I never will be.
Then onto meds.  I stopped taking the Zyprexa because it made me fat, so now I am trying Entemen or something, just something to take the edge off.  I didn't go into too much detail about how I haven't felt much like going on recently, but I will try this new med and see how it goes.
In the meantime, I will listen to Newton Faulkner on repeat on my iPod as the words seem particularly poignant at the moment.  My idea is that if I cry and cry about it, maybe some of the hurt will go away.  Got to be better than downing a bottle of wine.