Wednesday, 30 September 2009

Outpatient Clinic: How the appointment was and other non interesting things

Am just taking five minutes out from a kind of "dinner party" as I want them to leave. They all sound like they are having fun but I want them to leave now. Grrr. Feeling a bit aggressive right now.

So, I had my appointment on Monday at the Tagesklinik (day clinic) run by a very fast speaking German who did say I had to tell him if he spoke to fast. I arrived there in good time (tick) and was greeted by Herr S (can't remember his name) who seemed vaguely familiar but I wasn't sure why. Turns out he used to work at the Psychiatric clinic where I had stayed two years ago although he didn't remember me (of course not, I wasn't in any groups to remember as my German was not so good then). I was there for about an hour being assessed as to, well, I don't know really, whether I am good enough, the right calibre, not too mental? I just want to make raffia stuff (as my boyfriend keeps teasing me) so that I am not at home thinking about stuff. So, I think I passed as I have been accepted (and was told my German was good but of course I know that when I get upset that I can't concentrate or think straight and I know they were just being nice). Felt a bit drained afterwards but met up with a friend and did some retail therapy just for good measure.

I have been waking up every night for the last couple of weeks or so in a cold sweat and when I say sweat I mean bedbath. I have too change the bedclothes every day, even if I wear PJ's. Is this a side effect of the medications? Seems to have started with the Lamictal now I am on the "full dose" as per my plan. I am currently on (start raising eyebrows now as have the clinic and my "GP" and my chemist:
300mg Venlafaxine (a.m.)
300mg Wellbutrin (a.m.)
50mg Lamactil (a.m.) 50mg (p.m.)
In reserve for emergencies: Rivotril (at .5mg a pop), Seroquel (up to 100mg)

Yeah, quite a lot. Even my Psychiatrist (I hope he is having a great holiday, it must be so boring listening to mentalists all day - am sure I would be saying "just get a life will you!") has said it's a lot so we are going to review it when he is back. I want to push for some kind of mixed plan so I have meds, group therapy and day clinic for activities. If none of that works, well, certify me and throw away the key! No hope!

As for the group therapy, I am starting the "Emotions Regulation Group" in November which I am strangely looking forward to. I know I can be all over the place and although I accept this condition a lot more than I used to, I still need to work on effective coping strategies and I know I will feel more enthusiastic (probably the competitiveness me returning) about formulating and sticking to a plan.

Embarassingly I had to "sign on" today. Oooo, was sooooo embarassing and thank goodness there was no-one in the office when I was doing so. Had to say I was going to Tagesklinik (bring on the "not going to show a reaction but being really careful what I say" look. Anyway, I have a Welcome to being unemployed pack which my boss has to fill in (problem: he is in Alaska until end October which is not known for fast communications) and now feel under pressure to sort that out too. Thought maybe I can work on a strategy in the clinic in one of my "free" times. All I want is enough money for a train pass but they seem to insist you have some kind of pay for being out of work, which I don't think I deserve because I am an Ausländerin (foreigner).

This all starts when I get back from "holiday" (another story).

So, I also have developed what I would like to call mild Swine Flu. Well, I suppose it's just a cold really.¨

Enough woffle, really must learn to keep shorter posts.

Thursday, 24 September 2009

Decisions - to work or not to work

My dilemma is this:
I am now "unemployed" from my two summer jobs.
I have, in the last 3 days, found some work via a friend paid on an as needed basis as I am "as needed" according to the weather and volume of tourists.
I have an appointment at the Tagesklinik (outpatient day clinic) on Monday with the expectation that following I attend for two full weeks then on a planned basis.
I have not much money at all, so should really be working, plus I enjoy the job, but it is unstructured which is not good for me.
I need this money to attend the day clinic (travel, materials etc.) as I don't think my insurance will cover it.
I might have work now, but none in November
My health overrides anything else - the clinic is to help me with this.

So at the moment I am mulling all these thoughts. Can't decide : Work vs Klinik

Sunday, 20 September 2009

Good day, good night

I have had quite a productive day and am giving myself a pat on the back for effort. The cat is asleep on the sofa next to me (he seems to worry if I haven't gone to bed at the normal time!) and I am multitasking (watching The Island on ITV2+1, seen it at cinema) as well as surfing the net for jobs and people out there.

So I tackled those stupid little jobs that have to be done before you move house, such as emptying random drawer of crap and keeping what needs to be kept, not the junk that has accumulated. J laughs when I do this, he says I just move it to another room - I suppose he is right in a way but at some point there is the last room in the apartment so I will have to tackle it at some point. I have moved house approx. 34 times in my 34 years so am used to it, but find it unsettling too. J is excited about our new apartment, he sees it as a fresh start, a turning point in our relationship as the other apartments we have lived in haven't felt like "home". I'm not mega excited, well I am pleased to be moving and have a new "project" but am already on an efficient moving home drive and getting obsessive about it.

Cat now lying on his back with all four paws in the air - he looks so cute when he sleeps like that. I wish I was a cat, I could certainly sleep enough to have been one in a former life.

I haven't needed my "emergency meds" today - I thought I would about 4 hours ago but I persevered and have got through it, am too tired to think about more than one thing right now, so as I am typing I am distracting myself from the many many churning thoughts.

Wow, I typed that without the churning thoughts breaking through even though I was writing about the churning thoughts. Surreal moment.

I started making a "Happy Book" today, J had a quick look and liked it. Basically, all my hopes, dreams and (happy) real life moments are put in there - like pictures of houses I would like to live in, someone with a flat stomach (thats a dream not a reality), piles of cash, pictures of cats, quotes that cheer me up, song lyrics etc. I got the idea when I was thinking about what I could put in an "Emergency Box" and looked on one of my nutter websites. Some people listed all sorts of things and I have had a burst of creativity. My Psych suggested this a while back as well as some other tasks I have written down and can finish tomorrow (now the printer ink cartridge has arrived) and it gives me another thing to focus on.

Ran out of one of my meds so had to run to the chemist this afternoon and beg my lovely chemist lady to order some more without prescription. Apparently this is kind of normal in Switzerland, but she is very supportive anyway, always asking me how I am and letting me practise my language skills. Today she realised I must have been in a tiz cos I spoke english immediately. She will phone me tomorrow when they arrive (around 10 a.m.). I really need to get organised with them (how many times do I say that?). Anyway, as I ran to the chemist I realised I had short sleeves so the mess I made on my arm last week would be on show to everyone. Shit. Had to come up with an excuse in case anyone asked so I came up with that i had burnt my arm. Crap excuse I know but enough of one to distract whoever was asking.

Can't stop picking at it though.

I hope positive mood lasts. It has to, will be locked up otherwise.

Friday, 18 September 2009

Something for the weekend

Had my Psych appointment yesterday and had to go through the whole embarassment and guilt of last weekend. Got some temporary meds for weekend and now lots of thinking time as I finished work today. J not happy at all, he is not into drugs or doctors. Anyhow, we talked a bit more after my appointment.

I think my Psychiatrist is really busy at the moment, he seems a bit stressed, or maybe he is sick of the sight of me and my whinging. Wouldn't blame him if he was - I'm sick of myself.

So I am allowing myself tomorrow to mooch about and do housework then spend some time with J. From Monday I will have a plan in place so that I stick with some routine.

That's the plan, will report back on the reality.

Wednesday, 16 September 2009

Am I being oversensitive?

OK, OK, so I have felt better today until the afternoon and an email from my brother via facebook. Then I went through anger, tears, resignation that I am crap etc, etc. It all stems from a fb page I did as a laugh for my best mate who was screwed over by her boyfriend big time. He also stole some inheritance money of mine which I had lent to my bezzie mate for mortgage arrears. Apparently, for yourself:

If this guy is as much of a dick as he appears to be then I wouldn't give him the satisfaction of thinking that you give a toss about him enough to even think about him.

If he's taken money then small-claims court him and be done with it, he'll have a CCJ then. If he hasn't then aren't you in danger of harrassment here? If people looking at your [work] stuff also see that there is an [me] waging a hate campaign on someone very publicly online then I'm not sure that sends out a good message.

Patronising c word is all I can come up with. My brother is 3 years younger than me by the way. I mean, yeah I know I'm mad but he could be a bit more sympathetic towards me, or is that me being selfish or something. Sent him a snotty email back:

Thanks for that. At least my Psychiatrist will get his moneys worth tomorrow. It's not a "hate campaign" and why is it OK for some people to say horrible personal stuff about me yet I am not allowed to protect my best mate by telling the truth. If he wants to sue me he can try, we'll be quits then. But maybe you are happy with him pissing Nanna's hard earned savings up the wall. And yes I know I am being oversensitive, I have ATYPICAL DEPRESSION, Wiki it.

(Not sent in anger, sent in I'm tired of suffering this horrendous illness and just about functioning but at least J looks out for me and have supportive friends on fb)

Just to explain, my older brother sent me a horrible, horrible email at a very emotional time calling me horrible, horrible names and accusing me of things I haven't done or relate to the person that I really am. Added to matters which finally got me sent to a psych clinic. He said he had sent it in anger. He said he had held a gun to his head and hadnt thought of me. Since then everyone has been on his side totaly and he seems to be allowed to say anything about me and accuse me of things that piss him off. None of us except my younger brother were told about the gun thing. Now I am more open about my depression (everywhere except where I live and the immediate people around me). But not one member of my family flew over to see me in the clinic (I was there 7 weeks). Not one sent me a card or letter or anything of support except my godmum. My sister phoned once but most communication came from me outwards. My boyfriend was and still is shocked by this and (poor thing) he had all the stress and weight of this with no support from my family. Just me, him and our GP.

I have calmed down now but am still very sad. What pisses me off is there is always someone criticising how I react or how I feel towards something that I no longer trust my own feelings or who I am.

I am actually really looking forward to my Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I really need it.

Tuesday, 15 September 2009

It continues...

So now I am in the long sleeves to hide the self inflicted scratches on my arm and am mortified, embarassed at myself. Thank goodness the weather has turned cold so I have an excuse to be in jumpers.

The reality of Saturday has crept in. It has not been talked about between him and me, it's hanging over me like the sword of Damacles. Found out today that not only was he in the festival tent until about 9.30 latest (so 3 and a half hours after I left, SMS's etc) but then went to the local nightclub for half an hour. Walked one of my friends round the corner to home.

I am raging - if you are thinking that I think he's been with my friend that's not it at all, she is in lust with someone else and I trust J completely. It's the total lack of support which he said I need to tell him when I am ill. Next time I will remember to shout it across the tent.

I must be such an embarassment to him. I am embarassed about myself. I am still crying three days later (and am at work right now), I can't breathe and can't even take a Rivotril to calm me down because I took them all on Saturday night. (I have checked and I can get hold of one more bottle). I feel so alone.

How can I feel so sorry for myself when I no longer have a self to feel sorry for?

Sunday, 13 September 2009

How much rivotril?

Bad night because:

Trade event in village. Was going to go but chickened out at last minute, found boyfriend at the bar, told him wasnt staying, he didnt notice my red eyes I suppose but he usually spots that there is something up if I don't want to stay. All the girles had been there already for hours and I didnt feel comfortable with the alcohol or listening to crap nonsense chat that drunk people do. Went home, cried a lot. Tried distraction techniqes, even wasabi didnt work, reading reminded me of ex, so did crossword.

Friend had already phoned not long after I had got home and made me promise I would go and find her at this trade fair. I lied and said I would - she was clearly drunk already. I had no intention of going and sent my boyfriend an SMS to tell him so, that I felt fat and stupid, everyone was drinking and that could he tell everyone to leave me the hell aloneas I was feeling bad enough as it was and didnt want to ruin everyone's fun. "Ok" was his text back.

Two hours later when I am feeling really anxious cos J hadnt called or anything. He told me to always let him know if I didn't feel right which I thought I had with a)the fact that I went home straight away and b) the SMS i sent saying how crap I felt. He told me earlier he was working and probably wouldn't be out long anyway because he was bored already (this was before I left work). Watched House MD as distraction, Hugh Laurie reminded me of ex boyfriend. Tried sleeping, couldnt sleep. Played with cat. NOTHING WORKING. Only one thing for it.

Clearly J wouldnt be back until he was pissed, so as I am not missed, take penknife (which must sharpen as does fuck all), remaining Rivotril and keys to the town ( I work a lot of places). Wanted space to think. Two hours later when people kept phoning me and me diverting call to anserphone, sent J an SMS teling him to leave me alone. He came back to pool really angry (he had already searched tere for me), so felt even more crappy. Clearly the SMS from earlier telling him how shit and fat I felt didnt have an impact, despite him telling me to let him know.

Didnt know what to do, couldt calm down so started rivotril, only 12 in bottle I think. J would not take me to doctors when he found me so I guess no harm done. Walked like a drunkard (even today) but slept well.

Saturday, 12 September 2009

Another crazy week but slightly better

Plans, plans, plans. I never seem to get round to actioning them anymore. For example, I have s fitness goal, a monetary goal and three health goals. I plan out a week to include working towards these. So what happens - I just don't do them.

I don't know whether it is because I don't care (because it is all meaningless) or because of years of pushing myself and achieving a lot has caught up with me that I no longer have the energy or drive. If someone were to ask me what would "make" me happy (nothing except for some sort of positive relationship with my ex, but his actions show he's not interested so I will have to keep crying about that one) I would list all the above goals I have for myself. (Of course, nothing can "make" you happy, only encourage you).

It's like I don't know who I am anymore. I did until seven years ago when everything fell apart although the positive thing is that I finally convinces a doctor that I wasn't right in the head and started getting (wrong) treatment for depression.

But at least I haven't wanted to slash my wrists this week! Although I did my usual last Wednesday and got drunk until I dropped. Suffered until yesterday, my boyfriend saying good because it might put me off next time. I said that the only thing that will stop me is to not go out. No-one here just wants to do anything without alcohol being involved.

Tuesday, 8 September 2009

Monday Morning Blues, Tuesday Teatime Tears

Ok, Ok, baaaaad weekend. Not only did I struggle to get home on Friday in one piece (collapsed on the kitchen floor in tears much to my cat's confusion), the same again Saturday, both times boyfriend not available as there was a big mountain race (well, marathon) and he had to work. He found me Saturday night very happily drugged up on the sofa until he woke me up, I realised I was meant to be working at the cinema and he went off really, really cross with me (I think, couldn't take much in). It has not been spoken of since.

Sunday morning when I finally got out of bed (as far as on top of the duvet rather than under it) he brought me a cup of tea, asked me how I was and then it hit me, SHIT, THE WORLD STILL EXISTS. Which set me off in tears again. Couldn't even talk. Moved to sofa to cry instead. J jumping around not knowing what to do. Am sure he is getting fed up of me - he must be, I'm sick of me.

Anyway, he dragged me for a walk in the afternoon (me dragging my heels, hat down as low as possible, big sunglasses and large ski jacket despite the sunny day - the theory is, if i can't see them, they can't see me, bloody hot though). I suppose it made me feel better but I didn't feel a marked improvement, would rather have stayed in bed asleep except I couldn't damn well sleep without taking more drugs.

So back to the Friday night. I had planned after a suggestion from my Pschiatrist to have an emergency "kit" for these situations. Wasabi (wierd but works) - check. Didn't work. Tried more, made me retch (which I was already doing because I was crying and hyperventilating). Tried distraction. Washing up? No chance, couldn't get rid of those thoughts going round and round my head and the fact I was trying to make myself concentrate on what I was doing just exacerbated the fact that I was doing that task to distract me from the thoughts going round and round my head. Stopped when I felt dizzy (plus the washing up had not been washed up well enough). Move to bed. Lie there sobbing into duvet. Cat concerned. Cursed my ex-life and my ex for getting into my head all the time even though he doesn't know it.

And I just don't know why. And I can't talk to anyone about it. And he won't let me talk to him about it and won't even indulge me with some kind of acknowledgement if I do try to talk to him about it. So I am going more crazy with thoughts of who he might be now (if its a young, blond haired lawyer who acts like she's 12 years old then I will be even worse - there is no way I could cope with that as I will constantly compare myself and even though I know I am way better I will still criticise myself) even though that is unfair, but I realise that I am crap and can't wait for him forever however much I want to (I will end up looking like the complete twat while he is laughing at me in the wings) and so try to let life go on.

Not much better today. I should feel better because most of my days at work are filled with friends coming in to see me, but I end up feeling annoyed and aggressive and trying to hide it and then running home and hiding because I can't cope with socialising.

Crap. I think I really am mad. so if the drugs I am on at the moment have stopped working, what's left for me? (No-one even dare talk about having my head fried - I absolutely draw the line at that.)

Friday, 4 September 2009

Bad bad days

Yep, it's negative old me again. Wish this rain would stop, doesnt really help.

A few ups and downs this weeks, and the downs have been really really downs. I feel like everyone around me are the crazy ones and I have to check myself to see if I am still real. Today was a classic and an experience I havent had for a while. It goes like this:

Already wound up this week about being pushed out of a get-together, I think i have genuine reason but as its me it gets blown out of all proportion, hence the self doubts come in, guilt, hating self, noone like me etc, etc. Then this evening went into local bar (no alcohol-well done me), sitting there chilling and looked around at the people around me and it isn't my world. Then started to feel anxious and wanted to just be in a quiet place and alone, so went home. Just about got home before started crying, tried to distract myself by doing the washing up but that is really hard to do when I can hardly breathe as I am hyperventilating plus can't see because of the tears. Collapsed on the kitchen floor for a while as the cat looked on concerned (or maybe hunger). Got it together just about, am meant to phone someone when I am like this but didnt want to make a fuss when I am pronbably overreacting to something, although I dont know what that something is (although a broken heart is still the most likeliest cause).

Went to bedroom to grab tranqs, ended up pulling at hair and desperately trying to calm self down. Took a massive dose of Seroquel so that I wouldnt have the roundabout thoughts in my head and hopefully my brain would feel as shut off from the world as the rest of me.

Anyway, eventually calmed myself down, pissed off that my "coping strategies" didnt realy work and I really really really tried to get myself under control, so now feel even more shit about myself.

What happened to my sunshine life by the sea and surrounded by lovely people? Those lovely people no longer want to know me, the people who I thought were lovely people currently around me have not been very lovely despite my efforts and my family are strangers to me and I can't deal with them anyway. So where do I go from here? I just feel so tired and lost without my "One". Which is a bad situation. Why do things have to turn out this way? Why do I forever fuck things up with this fuzzled brain, why does everyone dismiss me rather than listen to my motivation or reasons for doing something? Am I a doormat? I know I am strong inside but I just dont trust who I am anymore, I dont know who I am anymore and there has only been one person in my life who knows me inside out that could tell me who I was and could be now, but doesnt want to know me.

So my conclusion after all this is that I have no place in this world. I will be invisible. No-ones heart would be torn apart if I left. If I thought it would be, I would stay and work this out.