Monday, 31 May 2010

It continues

After a traumatic week last week (visit to the social services and the bankruptcy people) things are not much better.  The cuts on my hands are still visible and I keep picking at them, as if it's some sort of reminder how bad I should be I deserve to feel.  After all, I brought it on myself and should take the consequences.  Unfortunately my self essteem is through the floor.  Soon it will be published in the paper that I am bankrupt which means the whole village will know and will be pointing fingers.  No matter how much friends have told me it will be a five minute gossip for most and then forgotten about.
Forgotten about.  This happens a lot in my life.
And it doesn't seem to matter that my boyfriend has found the money to pay these health insurance premiums that I am being bankrupted for, they don't want to know.  And my German is not that good to understand what is going on.  All I know is I am stuck.
I've been sleeping maybe 15 hours a day, I can't get motivated to do anything because every waking moment is spent worrying about my financial situation.  My bank accounts are frozen so I have no control over anything right now.
I just want to die, and being awake makes me obsess about it.
I just can't go on.
I had to email my psychiatrist about the situation which means that maybe I have no treatment because I can't afford it.
What to do?
Someone take the pain away.

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