Monday, 10 January 2011

Been a while

I haven't felt like writing much this last month or so, mainly because I have been having sever highs and lows plus drinking too much and not having the energy to control my thoughts.  Work started at the beginning of December and I have had a really hard couple of weeks what with all the tourists arriving and trying to supervise my area of the ski school.  Luckily a good friend of mine works on the lifts so between us we have been supporting each other (mainly lots of swearing about how busy it is, drinking coffee and smoking too much).
Communication with my boyfriend has not improved - I have hardly seen him because his work shifts do not coincide with mine so I have mainly been catching up with him in the bar.  Also, until I was paid last week I had to keep asking him for money, mainly to feed my out of control alcohol habit.  I am behaving appallingly and resent him acting like the fun police.  Not sure if that's my drunken state of mind or reality - I am trying to socialise with the people I work with so they see another side to the complete bitch I am at work; I have been enjoying it and feeling happy and popular until the comedown the next day when I feel ashamed and embarrassed.
So I had a shopping spree on a famous online bookshop and ordered as many alcohol self help workbooks etc. with the intention of getting back on track and getting healthy rather than feeding my depression and anxiety. I just hope it works for my self esteem and relationships sake.
Anyway, in my darkest hour I sent a ranting email to my Psychiatrist who I have an appointment with at the end of March (no point before as I have no time with working) - he's asked me to make another appointment earlier which I keep wavering between whether this is a good idea or not and whether I can be bothered to talk about myself any more.
I just feel I am not progressing any more and feel incredibly lonely and isolated throughout all this.

1 comment:

  1. Maybe you need to change something. Mix it up. As for what, I couldn't say. But you're by no means alone ok? I know how this feels. I hear you.