Angry Days

I am angry. Very irritable and angry. Because?
Actually, I have no reason to be angry, I just am.  I can only attribute it to fucking up my meds this week (didn't get myself organised to get to the Chemist for a repeat prescription) and as a result have had several sleepless nights (Does anyone else find Zolpidem sends you hyper, or is it just me?) and have been reading into situations which simply don't exist culminating in a tirade of rage on FB - thank's to the lovely M who phoned me today and suggested I deleted those posts - love a gal who tells me how it is.
I hate it when I am like this.  I feel so detached from everything and every one around me.  I try to occupy myself so that I am distracted, but when I am on my own at home, surfing the net, these thoughts are hanging in the background making me worse and worse.  I am aware that is happening but I don't seem able to stop it and then I wind myself into a frenzy. Meh. I think it's time for a new Crisis Plan.
I tried to make an appointment to register at a surgery for when I return to the UK (5th May!!!).  I decided to go back to my old surgery from many years ago and thought that if I pre-booked an appointment for my return then I wouldn't need to panic about my meds running out (I have enough left for this month), plus can get back into the system asap.  So the conversation went something like this (I had to telephone as their email address does not work):

Me: "Yes Hello I am just phoning from Switzerland to..." 

Doctors receptionist "Can I put you on hold sorry".....wait......"Yes hello" 

Me: I wondered if I could arrange an appointment to register as.... 

"Yes, we are taking on new patients, just come into the surgery with the relevant paperwork, goodbye". 

I had spent 20 minutes practising what to say and then another 5 building up the courage to phone and explain my situation.  so of course, being the pathetic wimp who is currently totally overwhelmed by everything involved in moving back to the UK, I spent the rest of the afternoon curled up in bed sobbing my heart out with anxiety.  Thank god for Seroquel and my cat. Plus my friend who works for the NHS and will certainly be in touch with said surgery (she used to work for the PCT making checks on doctor's surgeries so I wouldn't want to be said Doctor's receptionist when she calls.

It's not so much making the appointment, it's the timescale.  I return to the UK 5th May.  It's Bank Holiday weekend apparently so there is no chance I will get an appointment for that week if I don't pre book.  First, I have to have an appointment with the Practice Nurse to register me.  Then they need to process me.  Then I need to know which doctor I am with so that I can get my Swiss Psychiatrist to send a report, plus get a repeat prescription because I will need meds asap. And I will need at least half an hour with new GP. This could take weeks. (Months?). I can't afford to be without mental health support for this length of time, particularly after making yet another life changing choice - these tend to be trigger points for me.  Of course, I know if I am a danger to myself then I can get my friend to take me to A&E but I do tend to rather think of myself (when I am in crisis) that I am a waste of space, taking up resources needed for sicker people, don't want to be a burden etc. etc. (The usual crap we mentalists tell ourselves).

Anyhoo, I have been in hiding most of the day after my FB comments which basically had told people living here to "Fuck Off" and have just enjoyed a night in of NCIS and CSI repeats.  Lovely. 

Work Rant!

So, having not worked since April, Ski school has now started and last night I had a phone call to come into work today.
My job is to help with the kids rather than instructing (which I also do) - take them to the loo, get their drinks ready for their break, cleaning, entertaining the kids, warm up dance with a giant fluffy rabbit and suchlike.
So I got up before midday (ha!) and went to set up everything and explain to the ski instructors the new set up.
Usually we have kids "snow league" ski classes but because the kids area is not totally ready (lack of snow) there are only private lessons and "Club Med" which is all inclusive holidays and has it's own division of ski school.
First order of the day - cigarettes.  The number of cigarettes I smoke increases proportional to the stress level.  Second, go to the shop and by sirop, tissues, sweets, dishwashing stuff etc.  I then bumped into the local taxi driver (well, she nearly ran me over actually) who I owe 80chf from my emergency transfer from the doctors to the station when I .....erm.....slightly overdosed in March.  I thought the social had paid it on my behalf because it is something the health insurance would pay (see previous post) but no, it wasn't paid.  And she only realised last week.  So today she started shouting at me about it.  I've told her I will pay it by the end of the week but as I have no money, I think I will have to ask ski school for an advance on my wages.
So that upset me.  But I didn't let it show (saved my crying for later).
The morning was going quite well.  And then my boss turned up.
He is a bit of a stresshead.  Stresshead big time.  So today, the conversation went something like this:
Me: "Boss, do you need me to stay all day?" (I get paid per day no matter how many hours I work)
Boss: "You have children.  you must look after....erm....there's a child"
Me: "Do you meant the Club Med kids? They are here all day."
Boss: "There's a child....there's a child"
Me: "Are you saying there is a child I need to look after'"
Boss: "Yes".
Me: "And where is this child"
Boss: "With C."
Me: "And where is C?"
Boss: "Well they are having lunch, in the hotel."
Me: "So you want me to get the child from the ski instructor and look after it."
Boss: "Yes."
Me: "Until when? When do the parents pick it up?"
Boss: "I dont know".

Oh FFS.  It's day one.  This kind of conversation is normal and I will be having it every day (except Saturdays) until April.  Anyway, I sorted it out in the end as I am now expert at deciphering cryptic instructions.  And now the child will be doing the same every day.

I then had to rush to a second job in one of the sport shops (just on a casual basis) and I fifnished about an hour ago.  I have a massive headache caused by the stress.  I forgot these headaches.  Must take some calming prescription drugs with me tomorrow.
Such is my life at the moment.

Moods

Why can't I bloody shift it? Keep crying, want to block my mind, even trying to distract myself isn't working because I can still think and can't concentrate on the task at hand. Am useless.