Wednesday, 4 May 2011


I had holiday booked for the second week of April.  Originally it was for me and J, but after the split that wasn't an option.  So my schoolfriend of 20 years, E, begged an emergency off work to accompany her nutty friend to Cornwall.  We had a brilliant time.  I used to live there before coming to Switzerland and hadn't seen my friends for 6 years so there was a lot of catching up to do - I had a social life, people WANTED to meet up with me!  E looked after me very well and was amused to see how forgetful, clumsy and disorganised I am these days (she is a control freak but in a nice way).  She looked after me well, getting me cups of tea and glasses of water for my meds, checking I took them every day.  I think she gets it from her mum (who is a retired nurse) but it did make me feel like a lazy slob.
It was great to relax in beautiful surroundings after a hard winter, sunbathing and walking.  I didn't want the week to end but eventually it had to.  We drove back to Sussex and I re-packed to return to Switzerland the next day. Crunch time came.  I cried.  A lot.  I didn't want to come back.  I didn't feel like there was anything to come back to (except my cat).  E, being the practical bird she is was brilliant again and talked me through some options.  What were my reasons for staying in Switzerland?  Would it not be better to get some long term security such as a regular job instead of seasonal work?  Would I like to come back to the UK?  She offered the option of me dossing with her until I got back on my feet, perhaps getting a job with the council or the NHS and then transfer back to Cornwall if that is where I wanted to live.  I suddenly felt strong enough to start planning for my future.  I do want security of my own and not just through men. I do miss my friends.  I do miss my social life. I miss having fun.
So i have a year's plan in place - first, I need to get my enormous health insurance problem sorted out.  My Social worker at the psychiatric service has been brilliant in helping me with this and is arranging a meeting with some debt people next month (and will go with me).  She has also got supporting evidence from my psychiatrist to support my situation should there be objections from the health insurers (I say insurers because I am in the unthinkable position of having to pay 2 insurers which is not allowed in Switzerland - it is the insurers' mistake and they are trying to dump a debt on me that I don't owe - slightly more complicated than that but I am caught in the middle and being given the runaround by the insurers and the debt administrators).
Second, I have to get a job back in the UK.  My HR knowledge is so out of date that I need to do something now to get back on track so I have some chance of getting a decent job.  I've also been looking at improving my admin skills (touch typing, ECDL etc.) which I can do quite cheaply.  Also, I am currently registered unemployed so I may be able to get sent on a course through them.
Third, I need to save as much money as is possible over the next year so that I have something to fall back on in the UK and maybe have enough for a deposit on a flat ( prices gone crazy since I left) - a goal to aim for.  I reckon I could save about 500 pounds a month so in a year I would have over 5000.
I told my psychiatrist my plan.  He asked what if I met someone else and I told him that NO-ONE will get in my way this time.  Too many times I have given in to my boyfriends plans and dreams instead of concentrating on me. No, the new me will not be influenced by another man.  I will achieve my goal.  He suggested I have difficulty saying no and he is right.  Last week, J (my ex) asked if he could borrow a substantial amount of money to pay his tax bill because he didn't have any.  This is money I have put aside to sort out the health insurance debt problem and pay of the difference so it is really important that I have it ready.  But he seemed so desperate that I thought the nice thing to do would be to lend it to him.  So he paid his bill.  Then announced that he was going to continue his paragliding training (which his sister paid for the first part 500 pounds because he didn't have any money) and this will cost over 3000 pounds in total for all the gear, training and flights he has to do.  Amazingly, he seems to be able to find the money to do this! Bastard!  Am NOT amused in the slightest and can feel the anger building up whenever I think about it.  THEN he phoned me on Sunday to show him how to log into his training book on the paragliding course website (which I did) and then asked if I had any food (the whole of the village is shut on a Sunday so you need to get yourself organised and buy your nosh the day before).  So I cooked for him.  I AM A MUG! JUST SAY NO is my new mantra.  Although I have complicated things by being his fuck buddy over the last two weeks.  Not the best of ideas, but I am totally confident that we won't get back together, not since I have been replaced by a parachute and not since I have realised that he manages to find money for that but in six years never took me out for a romantic meal or some other paid activity.  And don't get me started on our Nepal holiday in 2008 (plus paragliding basic course) which I paid for from some inheritance money I had through.  I am so angry that my opinion of him could change so much and see him for the selfish cunt he really has been.  It's hard to call someone that when they are so nice but I am at the end of being nice right now and sick of only being phoned when he wants something.
So let's just say my mood is pretty stable right now - permanently angry.
One thing that worries me about returning to the UK is the level of care I will get from mental health services as I am used to a pretty high standard.  I realise I will probably see a psychologist and not a psychiatrist for a "chat" but I have no idea how the system works over there.  Hopefully E will look into this for me as she works for the NHS.
Talking of the NHS, I did experience going to my old doctor's when on holiday.  I didn't pack my Seroquel because I didn't think I needed it, but when I bumped into someone who I was told was my exes ex-girlfriend I started getting repetitive thoughts and remembered stuff about my ex (the love of my life, THE one) and couldn't cope.  It didn't matter that she looked like a dog with sad hair and clearly new who I was (I sparkled in public but behind closed doors I was a mess), it didn't matter that I didn't even bump into my ex (he knew I was coming so probably avoided going out), but what did matter was imagining them together.  They only managed six months and I know it is hypocritical of me to say so when I was with J for the last 6 years, but T is the one I will always love wholeheartedly and still believe we are meant to be together, even though this is an unrealistic plan and never going to happen.
Ahh well, to bed now, just me and my cat who is banished to the house for another couple of days before I can let him out into his new environment - harsh but necessary or he will just run off.

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