It continues...

So now I am in the long sleeves to hide the self inflicted scratches on my arm and am mortified, embarassed at myself. Thank goodness the weather has turned cold so I have an excuse to be in jumpers.

The reality of Saturday has crept in. It has not been talked about between him and me, it's hanging over me like the sword of Damacles. Found out today that not only was he in the festival tent until about 9.30 latest (so 3 and a half hours after I left, SMS's etc) but then went to the local nightclub for half an hour. Walked one of my friends round the corner to home.

I am raging - if you are thinking that I think he's been with my friend that's not it at all, she is in lust with someone else and I trust J completely. It's the total lack of support which he said I need to tell him when I am ill. Next time I will remember to shout it across the tent.

I must be such an embarassment to him. I am embarassed about myself. I am still crying three days later (and am at work right now), I can't breathe and can't even take a Rivotril to calm me down because I took them all on Saturday night. (I have checked and I can get hold of one more bottle). I feel so alone.

How can I feel so sorry for myself when I no longer have a self to feel sorry for?

How much rivotril?

Bad night because:

Trade event in village. Was going to go but chickened out at last minute, found boyfriend at the bar, told him wasnt staying, he didnt notice my red eyes I suppose but he usually spots that there is something up if I don't want to stay. All the girles had been there already for hours and I didnt feel comfortable with the alcohol or listening to crap nonsense chat that drunk people do. Went home, cried a lot. Tried distraction techniqes, even wasabi didnt work, reading reminded me of ex, so did crossword.

Friend had already phoned not long after I had got home and made me promise I would go and find her at this trade fair. I lied and said I would - she was clearly drunk already. I had no intention of going and sent my boyfriend an SMS to tell him so, that I felt fat and stupid, everyone was drinking and that could he tell everyone to leave me the hell aloneas I was feeling bad enough as it was and didnt want to ruin everyone's fun. "Ok" was his text back.

Two hours later when I am feeling really anxious cos J hadnt called or anything. He told me to always let him know if I didn't feel right which I thought I had with a)the fact that I went home straight away and b) the SMS i sent saying how crap I felt. He told me earlier he was working and probably wouldn't be out long anyway because he was bored already (this was before I left work). Watched House MD as distraction, Hugh Laurie reminded me of ex boyfriend. Tried sleeping, couldnt sleep. Played with cat. NOTHING WORKING. Only one thing for it.

Clearly J wouldnt be back until he was pissed, so as I am not missed, take penknife (which must sharpen as does fuck all), remaining Rivotril and keys to the town ( I work a lot of places). Wanted space to think. Two hours later when people kept phoning me and me diverting call to anserphone, sent J an SMS teling him to leave me alone. He came back to pool really angry (he had already searched tere for me), so felt even more crappy. Clearly the SMS from earlier telling him how shit and fat I felt didnt have an impact, despite him telling me to let him know.

Didnt know what to do, couldt calm down so started rivotril, only 12 in bottle I think. J would not take me to doctors when he found me so I guess no harm done. Walked like a drunkard (even today) but slept well.