Typical, am feeling atypically depressed today

So I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist yesterday. I wasn't really in the mood for talking anyway, so the appointment could have been over and done with in five minutes, but I woffled away for half an hour in the end about nothing in particular. He did well to listen - if he was as bored shitless as I felt talking crap then he didn't let it show.

Then today the weather turns shitty and rainy and foggy but I braved the outside to go to one of my many part time jobs - lifeguard at the open air pool in the village. Well it was shut because of the weather and I only get paid for the hours I work, so crappy weather = no money = more bills. Luckily over here most companies are pretty patient if you can't pay immediately - it is normal for purchases to be accompanied by an invoice, perfect for the addicted to internet shopping like myself (having set aside the addiction to smoking and drinking for the moment) as I can click away and soon have lots of lovely, exciting parcels sent my way. You can then phone them up and say, "look, I'm just a bit skint at the moment - could you wait until next month/next year/next century?"and theytell you "yes". Great, except for my shopping addiction which has caused debt again (why why why don't I learn from past mistakes?) and now have the embarassment of going to the social services to say, "look, I know I am a foreigner in your country and I do pay taxes here but I am a crap person and order stuff off the internet I don't need (except for CSI:Miami box sets which are a necessity) and now I can't pay my electric/phone/mobile/health insurance etc. My boyfriend has helped me as much as I can and it is getting embarassing now as I have to ask him to lend me money to buy a train ticket for my sodding appointments in another town and keep nicking his cigarettes which is a punishable offence for a nicotine addict himself. I don't think they can send me home at the moment though - my passport has run out and I can't afford the couple of hundred francs to get it renewed.

I ended up checking out the webpage of one of my exes "flames" who I noticed is 23 years younger than him!! He could be her father!! What a sicko! And the stuff she says she likes on her webpage is exactly like me. Of course, he doesn't know that I know who he sees/shags/dumps etc. but I have my contacts. I am now in the cycle of "why did he dump me, what's wrong with me, I want my old life back" etc. etc. and getting out the photo albums and start blaming myself for being such a crap girlfriend that no wonder he dumped me. Obviously can't tell my current boyfriend about it because I don't think that would go down very well after 4 years This has made me upset and have fleeting thoughts of a) taking a bucket load of every drug I can lay my hands on and go to sleep peacefully and not have to stress myself out with this crap anymore (plus J won't be there) or b) taking apart a razor blade and bloody well make some blood. I have persuaded myself at the moment that neither are a good idea because a) I have to work at the swimming pool tomorrow and I worked bloody hard for my lifeguard certificate IN SWISS so I'll be pissed off if they pump my stomach as I will feel guilty for missing work and upsetting my cat and b) it's summer, bikini time and scars will ruin my tan.

Bloody men. Fuck up your lives for years, even when you haven't seen or spoken to them cos they are in a different country and despite telling you that you remain friends forever, you find out that in fact, they really are lying bastards.

Anyhoo, this stress and anxiety has made me want a drink. So round we go again, bring on the red wine and get pissed, spend money that I don't have in the first place (thank god for bar tabs) and when I recover with the worlds worst hangover the bills are still there.

And there I was yesterday saying that my meds were fine and I feel great. Mind you, given all the stuff in the media and internet it serves me right for giving in to the evil that is the big Pharma and popping those pills like M&M's. (But it feels so gooooood and surely its better than snorting cocaine or something? - not that I have ever done that, I pass out and throw up even after a spliff. Plus I can't take another addiction, it's getting boring now.

Well, I think I will try the "distraction technique" which will not involve red pens or elastic bands (what a load of bollocks that is) and go and watch Holby City and play guess the illness.