Why Swiss Health Insurance Doesn't always work (and why I now Love the NHS)

WARNING: If you get bored easily, you probably won't want to read this! Contains detailed workings of Swiss Health Insurance (yawn)

I had a fairly successful appointment with my Psychiatrist yesterday and one of the things we discussed was my health insurance.

I may have explained it before (and can't remember which blog post it was in) but it's like paying car insurance - you pay a premium and have an excess.  The smaller the excess, the higher the premium. When you have resided in Switzerland for more than three months you are obliged to have health insurance.

This is all well and good, when you pay your premiums.  When you see a doctor or other specialist or have a blood test, anything, the bill is sent to you and you then send a copy to the insurer who then refund you the amount of the bill less 10%.  You then pay the bill.  Sounds simple huh?

My problem was about two years ago I got into arrears with my premiums.  I tried making a payment plan with my health insurer, A. They refused and kept demanding the amount I owed which was 3 months worth of premiums for myself and my boyfriend at the time (he paid the rent).

As a result of the arrears, they then stopped paying my medical bills.  So as a result, any money I had had to pay the medical bills and not against the arrears.  I asked for a payment plan again.  They refused.

Well, I thought, I will change insurers so that the new insurer will pay my medical bills, close off my old insurance and make part payments until the arrears are paid off.

You can only "leave" an insurer twice a year, by the end of June or by the end of December.  To cancel the contract, the insurer has to receive your cancellation a month before the end of June/December and this has to be sent recorded delivery.  They are Swiss - don't follow thse rules and your request is ignored.

I duly sent the letter, correctly and within the timescale.  Insurer A replied with a letter confirming the cancellation.  I then signed up with a new insurer, O,  who sent me the contract which I signed and returned. I started paying the new insurer from the January.

Insurer A kept sending me bills.  I telephoned them and said they had accepted my "resignation" and I was no longer insured with them.  They said it was not possible to change insurer because I had arrears on my account.  I asked for a copyof the letter and they sent me the original "acceptance of resignation" PLUS another piece of paper attached (which they had not attached before) which stated that you cannot change insurance when you have arrears on your account.  News to me. I wrote to them explaining their mistake and they didn't accept it.  Meanwhile, the debt kept mounting up, but at least the new insurer was paying my medical bills.

So, to insurer 2, O. I explained to them that I was not allowed to change insurers because of the arrears and the new insurer said because I had now signed a contract with them, I had to continue to pay them insurance premiums. Problem: I was now expected to pay 2 insurance companies.

Of course, this put me in complete panic and being in a pretty poor mental state these days with coping with stuff like this I decided to refer to Social Services.  Initially I saw the SW as part of the Psychiatric service and she investigated, telephoned people, contacted Ombudsmen etc etc on my behalf and what she discoverd was interesting:

1. The Old insurer is meant to write to the proposed new insurer to "allow" me to leave them.  Insurer A DID NOT DO THIS.

2. You are not allowed to be insured by 2 companies.  Both insisted that I pay them premiums.

3. Basically, what these insurers were doing is illegal.

Anyway, to cut a long  and boring story short (thankfully, you say!), My medical bills and health insurance are now paid for by the state, the debt has mounted up and I have been placed on an official Swiss debt register.

I was discussing this with my Psychiatrist yesterday as he has been trying to get hold of my SW with no luck, so he is going to talk to the Psychiatric service SW to review this whole situation again.  If I have to have any seriously expesive treatment then there is some State "governer" type for health insurance who will approve the treatment.

This has been going on for 2 years now and neither insurer will accept any responsibility and I feel the pressure of it all.  Luckily my doctor will keep treating me, I can still see my Psych (although I have reduced the number of appointments) and my pharmacist will keep supplying me with medication as they all agree I need continued support and treatment.  This is where it is handy to have a more personal relationship with professionals (which somes with living in a small village) and they have been great.

But I don't half miss the NHS.  I will never complain about them again.  Well, until I am back into the system when I return to the UK.

Psychiatrist Appointment Review

So I saw my lovely Psych last Monday and to be honest I thought I couldn't be bothered to talk and have been feeling grrreeeeeaaaatttttt! But when I got there I suddenly found myself becoming very articulate, clear thinking and demanding answers to questions in a much more forthright manner than usual (drugs or....?)
The Cipralex started working pretty quickly after he prescribed it to me at the end of September (10mg/day) and he seemed pleased with that, as am I and I explained about my clear thinking, positive mood, feeling HAPPY when I walked my friend's dog in the forest the other day (totally wierd and unexpected experience as I don't think I've had a flash of that since 2008) and that in general I am now fine and not mad. So he's upped it to 20mg/day in the morning to top up the Venlafaxine (now down to 150mg) with the Seroquel as a top up when needed (still every night to get me to sleep although I've had one night since getting back from the UK I had a normal night's sleep without it - yeay!) and the stash of other old medications at the back of my drugs drawer that he doesn't know I still have - never know when they might come in handy heh heh.
So, then onto the ECT debate.  Some of you have emailed me with some very sage advice which I am very grateful for.  I agree that in CH the psychiatric profession seem quite....well....keen to pursue this option in cases such as mine but I am still researching, researching, researching.  I explained to Dr I that at the moment there is no way I need it, but who knows what I will agree to when in the depths of despair and depression, so I would rather be informed as much as possible before that situation would arise and if necessary draw up a treatment agreement/non agreement stating what I would or would not consent to.  I asked when they give the treatment i.e. when I am feeling great and do it anyway, or when I am feeling shit.  He said they were able to guage how effective it was being if I started when I feel like shit.  He went through how many treatments there would be and that usually when I started it would be as an inpatient for two weeks to monitor me and then be treated as an outpatient until the "required" number of treatments had occured and then.....get this.....once a month "maintenance treatment"! When did that enter the plan? So, after a bit more discussion about how my family felt and the conflicting views of friends, plus my indecisiveness still as I am still confused by it all, I agreed to visit the Private Psych clinic where I was incarcerated 4 years ago around this time of year, for an appointment to discuss further.
However, whatever I decide, it is unlikely any treatment of such will be carried out in Switzerland for me.  I am planning on going back to the UK next April/May and start in Ski School in a couple of weeks and there is NO WAY I would be able to be admitted as an inpatient or attend outpatient treatments a couple of times a week over the winter AT ALL, unless I go a bit mad in the meantime (which is a possibility, who knows where my moods take me) in which case, as I mentioned earlier, I want to have a Crisis Treatment Plan in place that everyone understands what I have or haven't agreed to.  I need to look up the Swiss law anyway on being "sectioned" as I would imagine they are probably a bit more strict over here given their love of law and order.
Watch this space people.....I will let you know how that appointment goes and they had better be prepared because I will be demanding answers.

My week so far

Where did Friday go? Well, I went to sleep 11.30pm Thursday night right through to 11.30 pm Friday night, two hours of eating and reading then asleep again until 11.30 a.m. Saturday morning.  Needless to say I was a bit confused yesterday as to what day it was.  Anyway, last night, for the first time in ages, I had a NORMAL night's sleep (still with 100mg Seroquel) but went to sleep around 11 p.m. and woke up (WIDE AWAKE NOT GROGGY) at 8.30 a.m. I never knew there were so many hours in the day and must admit am a little bored right now, but feel AWAKE!  Am going to try and keep this routine going - my winter job starts in a month so I have to get some kind of regular schedule so that I am prepared.
The autumn here is so beautiful.  I took my friends dog for a walk on Wednesday and...get this....I was SMILING and HAPPY because everything is so beautiful!  I haven't felt like that in AGES AGES AGES!
So, Psychiatrist appointment tomorrow.  Probably my last one before the winter season starts as I won't have time to get to an appointment once I start work (I am bound by train times as there are no roads to this village, so it means I have to set off 2 hours before an appoinmtment and it takes about 2 hours to get back).

Happy Holiday

And it really was.  I just spent 3 weeks in the UK, on the Isles of Scilly and in Hastings and Bristol seeing all my lovely friends and my nephews and neice.
That aside, I had some good chats with friends about the proposed treatment plans and all were really supportive surprisingly.  All were of the opinion that any chance given to me to help recovery is a chance worth taking. Hmm. I spoke to my brother about it and I think he was a bit shocked if a little bemused as to what ECT actually entails.  But hopefully he understands that things have not been easy at all.  My mum came to visit me in Hastings and I had an in depth chat with her.  She is relieved that I am going to return to the UK and live back on the south coast where I have godparents nearby, my best mate (who I will be living with) and my best mate's parents who are like second family for me.  I think she was shocked but she took it well.  I felt releived to have spoken to her and she was really supportive and a bit emotional.  It's strange, I wouldn't say I am overly close with mum but she steps up to the plate in a crisis and easy to talk to.
First thing I did when I returned to Switzerland was book an appointment with my "GP", Dr A.  I thought I had a cold sore before I went to the UK but it was actually impetigo and after a course of penicillin based antibiotics which I am allergic to (old GP said try them and stop if I get a reaction - I had a slight reaction but thought it was best to discontinue in case it got worse.  I am definately allergic) and an unsuccessful dabble with cortisone cream I finally went to a walk in centre, queued up with the methadone addicts and got some antibiotic cream, which has really worked.
I digress. Dr A agreed to continue the cream and prescribed (non penicillin) antibiotics. Then, as he has been in Zimbabwe doing aid work since August/September we had a good natter (that's what I love about him, he totally overruns appointments with me although the Swissie in the waiting room probably hadn't got much else to do anyway.  He asked me how the appointment with my psychiatrist went and I said about the change in medication and the ECT discussion.  He asked if I was "shocked" (fnaah fnaah) about the suggestion and I said of course I was and that I was undecided and that it was difficult to consider it when I feel so much better at the moment.  Do I then wait until I am in the depths again?  He said Dr I and he considered that a lot of people in my situation have big highs and big lows and somewhere in the middle.  But that in my case I had deep lows and "kind of OK" which was my somewhere in the middle most of the time.  He mentioned mood disorder again but as I am still in denial as to what that might be, I didn't push that point further. Anyway, I explained that the break in the UK had helped rather than be admitted as an inpatient and that the Cipralex seemed to be working really well in combination with the other medications.
I see Dr A again tomorrow (so maybe he will have some pirated DVD's from Zimbabwe for me) and to check the impetigo which is clearing up nicely (although am pissed off I have got it as I haven't been near little germ filled fuckers since winter and apparently they are the culprits of the infection). I see Dr I (my lovely psychiatrist) on the 7th November.
Tonight I am feeling rather lonely.  Since all the socialising in the UK, which exhausted me, I was a bit naughty last night and had too much alcohol.  So I am attributing this to my low mood today and the fact that I was crying uncontrollably at the end of a film on Channel 5 earlier.  I even missed fire practice this week as I couldn't face being in a crowd of people and the effort of speaking Swiss, which I am still struggling to adjust to after my holiday (usually it comes fluently to me - time to put back on German TV).  I am contemplating the thought of a winter alone (although I am settled in NOT being in a relationship) but winter I must work to give me time to claim back my social insurance and pay off any remaining bills before the plan of returning to the UK in April 12.  And I am TERRIFIED of going back even though it is the right thing to do, and living in a large town.  I will certainly be saving up money to get me a place in Cornwall asap, much smaller environment.
If it hadn't been for my cat since returning, I think my mood would be through the floor right now.  Samkitten hasn't left my side since I returned and rarely goes out (although being a cat the ground is probably a little bit chilly on his paws). I love my cat. I need to find him a rural home in the UK with one of my friends or I will miss him so much.  He's got his winter coat now which is really useful for mopping up my snotty nose and streaming tears at the moment.

Treatment options following Psych appointment

So last Tuesday I had a Psychiatrist appointment, the last one being in July due to my health insurer no longer paying for my medical treatment.
Let me explain, I have been feeling REALLY bad - one of my GPs has been seeing me every two days to check I am still alive and to support me towards my psych appointment.
The kind of things that have been happening have included feeling suicidal, crying a lot, not sleeping (well that's been ongoing since April), heavy body feeling, no energy, feeling empty and imagining conversations have happened when they haven't, imagining experiencing things when I haven't, poor memory - I could go on but don't want to bore you.
Anyway, Dr I said that what I was experiencing was typical of deep depression and considering I have this, plus a mood disorder (daren't ask him which one), plus the stress of no job and the stress of a relationship split have all contributed to my current state of mind.
We went on to further discussion about treatment options, including another medication change (number 5 I think) and he told me not to worry, there are another 81 medications I can try (he has a sense of humour like mine).  So he has reduced the Venlafaxine to 150mg/day and added Cipralex 10mg/day.  Plus the Seroquel at night (100mg) and Lamictal 100mg twice daily.
Then, and this was the shock (!), he asked me if I would consider ECT.  My first thought was, "bloody hell, I really am that bad" and promptly told him NO, NEVER.  he talked through how it works and encouraged me to do some research and that he had seen good results when he was doing ssome training in America and that it might prompt the medication to work in the future.  With treatment resistant depression and with me, the meds work for a certain period and then I become "tolerant" to them.
I sighed, cried and then said if this round of meds doesn't work then I might consider it.
He then suggested I went as an inpatient for three months.  Problem is my health insurer.  And I think it's a good idea to go back to the bin for a while. Am considering going back to the UK and trying to get admitted there if I can't here.
All a bit of a heavy appointment and too much to think about.  However, I am feeling a bit lighter today and haven't reacted to the new medication yet, but it would probably help if I stopped getting roaring drunk every night (starting on the Tuesday by meeting up with a good friend of mine).
My BBF will be phoning me later to persuade me to come and live with her in the UK.  A friend I met up with yesterday also told me to go back as I "have no life here and it isn't doing me any good".  Yeah, she always makes me feel better....not.
So I will be on holiday in the UK to see friends/family from Wednesday to the last week of October - thinking time and decisions to be made.

Am I going crazy again?

I feel like I have reverted back to 2004.  And why? Well, 2004 was when I last drank heavily on a continuous basis, went out every night partying, behaved inappropriately, was loud, lairy, got told off at work (a lot) and basically felt out of control but DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT.
And that's what it has been like over the last week.  Starting from just over a week ago I was low, depressed, crying for no reason, feeling worthless, avoiding going out of the flat.  Roll on to last Tuesday and suddenly I felt, "why not, let's just go out and socialise" thinking this would be a positive thing and make me feel better rather than holing up at home.
But the problem with me is when I drink, I simply do not know when to stop.
And make a complete tit of myself.

So, to Wednesday night.  I only went out because some bloke, T, who I did some cleaning for said he might pop in the bar to give me the money for the cleaning.  I was going to leave at about 9 o'clock whether he had turned up or not as he was over for the week anyway.  But then....I bumped into another friend, who was waiting for another friend and before I knew it this other friend ordered champagne to celebrate something or other and T rocked up at 10.30 with another friend of mine after they had been to dinner somewhere.  Me getting caught in the moment was a total social butterfly, jumping into conversations thinking I had something useful to contribute, talking like I know about stuff, flitting from one person to the next, flashed my tits to some random person who was a friend of a friend (along with two other girls but it was my idea) and generally made a complete arse of myself.
Afterwards I did calm down a bit and invited N and T back to mine - my ex had left me a bottle of wine and N grabbed one from her staff room.  We all had a nice calm chat back at my place and then N left.  T and I continued talking for another couple of hours and before I knew it we were in bed together.  And it was lovely.  Until Thursday morning after he left and I suddenly felt awful about what I had done - my ex is still a fuck buddy and I felt like I had cheated on him (work that one out cos I can't!) and the whole day did the walk of shame, severely hungover.
Luckily T doesn't want a relationship and neither do I, plus he is über discreet and didn't want my ex finding out either (people seem to be intimidated by him) and so we tiptoed around each other, until he left on the Sunday when he came round and we ended up in bed again (it was better sober!).
Am I out of control?  I don't know.  I feel it.  I've had some setbacks with social services and my health insurance again which has affected my mood.  But I don't understand why I can be so low one day and totally outrageous the next.  I suspect I know the reason why and don't want to admit it to myself or speak to my psychiatrist about it in case he says the dreaded words, but I don't think it's just Atypical Depression.  I mean, I even decided two weeks ago "bollocks to the medication" and seriously thought about just letting the prescription run out and come off the meds (I have been on them 4 years and this is the first time I have ever felt this about the meds).
I am so mixed up.  Anyway, see my social worker tomorrow and hopefully he has good news about my medical bills and that I can book another Psych appointment.
Until then, my friends, take it easy and lay off the wine.
x

I'm Back

Wow, didn't realise how long it was since I last posted.
OK, so last week I went to the UK for a week.  Before this, a couple of things happened here to really upset me.
First, I found that all the Norway stuff, NOTW and Amy Winehouses death REALLY touched me.  I was getting all ranty about right and wrong, crying and feeling generally shit about life and the world we live in.  This culminated in an arguement with my exes sister in a bar about how wrong she was when she spouted that Amy Winehouse brought it all on herself as she had all the support she needed and didn't do anything about her addictions.  I argued that addictions are complicated and she was compelled to keep her drugs and alcohol lifestyle because of her addicitions which she couldn't really help at that stage (bear in mind my exes sister went out with a serious drug addict).  Anyway, i stormed out the bar in a rage and came home and cried and cried.  She had also said that people "like that" can help themselves where as people with cancer can't etc. etc.  So I went home and sent a ranty email to my psychiatrist, as  follows:

Hello,

OK, BILLS – the situation is this.  I am now with the Sozialdienst – Herr A, so anything he needs to know, you can tell him. He has been really helpful and I had 2 appointments with him last week.  I am back with Avanex – they paid my hospital bill for March but anything 1^st Jan – 30^th June they will not pay until the arrears are cleared (hence I am back to the same situation as 2 years ago).  Herr A is trying to get agreement that they will pay the bills.  However, if they won’t pay them, I can offer 100chf a month to clear the arrears of medical bills (i.e. yours).  Could you plese let AKCM know this so they don’t register with the Betreibungsamt. I will also need Einzahlungscheins to repay.

Me -  was good, now not so good.  I have been generally OK but over the last two weeks fighting dropping lower and lower.  There is so much happening in the world outside Wengen that I can’t understand and frightens me and is making me anxious and upset (Norway, Phone Hacking, Amy Winehouse’s death).  In fact, I have just left RBar after an argument about Amy Winehouse which upset me as apparently she had lots of help and is still dead therefore it is her fault, it’s not like she had cancer anyway.  And this comes from J’s sister who went out with e drug addict from L for many years (M in case you don’t already know him).  Walked home crying – why don’t people get it that addiction for some people is a real problem no matter how much help they get? I feel so worthless and pathetic that I only have depression and should just “get over it”.  Maybe I should, but these last few days I have felt so low without explanation and I just can’t get it across to people.  And yet, for the week before I was on top of the world and reading self help books and making plans.

My schoolfriend wants me in England this weekend for her mother’s birthday.  Her mother is like a second mother for me (ex-nurse too) so she has paid for me to go.  Maybe it will do me some good to get off the mountain for a while.

I thought I was doing so well – OK, no job ( I didn’t get that job last month and a couple of others I really thought I was in with a chance of rejected me) – all I am doing is dog-walking for a friend of mine who has returned to college but that’s only as a friend to get me out of the house and to be doing something rather than nothing.  I see Dr A on 4^th August when I come back from the UK.

I know I am rambling about nothing, but I don’t want to book another appointment until I have paid your bills.  But I am just so upset at the moment.  I am still not sleeping (unless I take Seroquel) which is not helping but I really feel lost and lonely and stupid and useless.  And I have lots of questions for you – I have been reading too many books about how Psychiatrists are all influenced by Big Pharma and that the brain chemical theory is all a myth so I feel even more stupid and useless because I feel the antidepressants do help me in some way, but maybe it is all in my head because you are conning me (according to them). I don’t know what to believe anymore, all I know is I don’t feel right.  And I don’t understand it because I felt good for a while – full of plans and ideas and a way forward.  But today I don’t.  And speaking to people they just make me feel worse because apparently I am in control of getting help and therefore have no right to feel the way I do.  After all, it’s not like I’ve got cancer, is it?

Sorry to take up your time, I am writing this when I am feeling quite low and confused.

Me

Actually, this is the first time I have rad it back and maybe it doesn't seem so bad that I emailed him as it was a definate cringe factor for me that I had sent it.  Anyway, luckily he was out of the office until 4th August.  However, when I was on the train to the airport one of his colleagues phoned me but I couldn't really speak as I was on a train full of people and didn't want to discuss my mental state of mind so I just said I was "fine" (?!).

I'd also had a rant on facebook which my exes sister saw because she "liked" one of my comments.  I take that as her way of apology.  she has been super nice to me since I came back from the UK.

So when I was away I demanded that my ex stay at my place to look after our cat (my cat now).  Which he did.  I filled the fridge full of food as it was a bank holiday and he was working stupid hours for the August 1st celebrations.  When I came back last Wednesday, the studio was in a TIP - dirty, messy, his stuff everwhere and NO FOOD.  I'd been up since 5 a.m., got back at 4pm and was not best pleased.  To be fair, when he saw me (I went straight to the bar after shopping) he did apologise about the mess but I was soooooo cross I couldn't even speak to him.  He came round to my flat many hours later to "pick up his stuff" even though I had told him not to and he ended up staying the night.  I think he was wanting a bit of sex (as to complicate the matter he is now my fuck buddy) but he didn't get any as I am on.  Anyway, two days later he came round again during the day for a "shower" and I am sure sex but I lied and said I still had my period as I just couldn't be bothered.  And then he wants me to sort out HIS health insurance, tax, debt in the UK etc.  I just keep saying yeah I'll do it and keep leaving it.  WHY do I keep enabling him?

So the UK - it was FANTASTIC! I went to see my schoolfriend whom I have known for over 20 years (god I sound old).  She paid for my flights so I could be there for her mum's 70th birthday which was a lovely day.  Her mum is like a second mum to me and it was great to see her and feel loved and cared for.  Anyway, E (my friend) took me out to see her social life and I met some of her new friends who are lovely. They made me feel so welcome.  I didn't go out every time she did because I was knackered from the Seroquel, but I slept better, ate better and felt better for the week there.  In fact, her friends were begging me to stay and not go home by the end of the week.  For the first time in ages I felt included and wanted and loved.  I can't leave this bloody country until all this health insurance thing is sorted out.  Even though I think I can return to the UK and get a decent job with more money to pay the debt back quicker, I don't think I am allowed to leave the country permanently with a debt.

So now I am back home.  And I have dropped into a hole again.  I missed my doctors appointment on the 4th as I was asleep so have rescheduled.  But I feel lonely and very sad and dwelling on stuff. I am usually back on Twitter, facebook and blogging but I just haven't felt like it.  I've been drinking a lot too, which doesn't help. I am content with life here but it's not enough.  And then I think, if I go back to the UK, is it just another distraction, major life changing thing that I tend to do when life gets too much which doesn't actually solve anything?

Confused.

Is there anybody out there?

I have felt pretty stable all this week, except for Friday when I was unusually tearful, lonely and frightened in my own home.  Maybe it's the extra Seroquel I am taking which is making me anxious or something?  I am on 200mg a night in order to sleep - I was on anything between 50-100mg but that stopped working and so I upped the dose.  I tried Wednesday night to sleep without medication but it didn't work and I spent the night in a permanent light sleep - so frustrating.
One thing I have enjoyed this week is reaching out and reading a lot of mental health blogs.  There seem to be some regulars and most are so articulate, way more so than me.  But what I have found is that I am not alone and some people have way worse problems than me - I almost feel ashamed to consider myself mental.  I know it is all relative and on my better days I will feel like I belong, but I have always had a problem of fitting in and I think sometimes I am thinking that I don't even fit into the mentalists world.  I have felt confident enough to post a few comments and hope I have worded them properly so that I haven't insulted anyone.
Psych appointment on Monday after my appointment with the unemployment office.  Am feeling a bit ranty towards my psychiatrist so it may not be an easy appointment.
Also, with my planned return to England I have been researching the kind of help and support that I can get.  I have found a support group in the area that I am moving to but the hunt for a psychiatrist to see privately until I am into the NHS system again, has not been so easy. I have also looked for psychologists but am totally confused with the therapy types (person centered etc.) so have no idea which one will be suitable for me.  It made me cry as it seemed so overwhelming and scary that I am going back when I am so used to a high level of support over here in Switzerland.

And so on

I had a bad day on Thursday, so much so that I telephoned in sick to work citing an upset stomach, even though this was a complete lie.
J not sympathetic at all and returned from the pub, saw me and went in a mood.  I told him the other day to stop trying to fix me ( he is very good at solving problems but dictates to me what I should be doing and thus making me feel worse, useless and a crap girlfriend).  I know what I should be doing, but don't have the motivation to do it.
I'm getting a bit slapdash with my meds, it's like I just don't care.  They are permanently strewn over the kitchen table and I never remember whether I have taken them or not (my short term memory is shot to pieces).  I even have a pill doser but forget to fill it up at the beginning of the week.  Yep, useless me.
Went to work yesterday even though they weren't expecting me in and had taken me off the plan.  As usual I got my weekly kicking and made ridiculous mistakes which my work colleagues covered up for me.  The kitchen staff just looked exasperated.  Doesn't really matter, even when I get it right and the kitchen lose the order I get the blame anyway and of course the bosses believe the kitchen rather than me because of the mistakes I make.
I think I might email my psychiatrist.
My health insurance is till not sorted.  I have to get a solicitor involved which although will cost me, it won't be as much as I owe the health insurer.  Also there is a consumer magazine which my Psychiatrist recommended - he said he has never heard of a story so ridiculous as mine and said that the magazine may publish something about it, just to piss off my insurer.  My second insurer (who will pay the medical bills) are proving very efficient and so I am paying monthly premiums to them.
I actually miss the NHS.

Ear Ear

Bloody ear infection got worse, I ended up phoning my boyfriend and dragging him from the pub (again), screaming in pain and all he could do was ask, "what can I do?" (although he did do some very nice breathing technique focusing stuff).  I just screamed at him to phone the bloody doctor and get me some goddamn fuck off huge painkillers, which surprisingly he did. 
I have now realised I am a complete lightweight when it comes to pain, although strangely if it self inflicted I kinda like it. I thought about why that is and all I can come up with is the old "control" card.  Self inflicted pain is something I have control over.  Random ear pain (which was on a par with infected tooth pain) is not something I can control.  The plus point is that the antibiotics from the ear infection have finally caught up with my digestive system and so the unwanted weight gain is leaping off in pounds - yeay!
Because I am such a lightweight with the pain I had no intention of an hour journey down the mountain to see my psychiatrist, in favour of my duvet and House m.d. repeats (season 4, v.good).  Instead, he phoned me and we had a quick chat about how I was (ok mostly, more stable but still some mood swings) and I told him the Zyprexa was helping mood-wise but not weight wise.  So we are upping the Lamotrigine and cutting down the Zyprexa and will discuss next week the alternatives (provided the insurance will pay for the different drugs). I didn't quite get round to telling him that I had gone cold turkey on the Zyprexa and to make up for the resulting insomnia I had been popping the old 100mg Seroquel.  (Slept until 11.30 a,m, today - loooooverleeeyyyy!)
really should get back to real work soon, I am getting used to this life of unemployment as ski school have no work for me right now until Monday, so that's 2 weeks money I have lost out on. Which means I will probably be back to the old scrimping and saving, trying to get my bills paid and having no money for the rest of the month.

Last day and other news

I finished at the day clinic yesterday and I felt sad to be leaving.  I survived the feedback round (where you are given personal feedback, the rules being for every negative they have to give you two positives) and apart from the fact that I was "quiet" all was good.  Then I had a meeting with my psychologist and the clinic psychiatrist, who started talking "bipolar" but I didn't quite get what was going on.  To be honest, I was too tired to go into it so I am just going to wait until I see my regular psychiatrist and find out what its all about.
On top of that, I finally admitted my illness to my boyfriend's sister (A) and another friend (S).  I think I can trust them, and A sent me a really nice message to say that it was OK and I shouldn't feel upset or embarassed about it as a couple of friends of hers also have problems.  I feel relief at the moment that the pressure to keep this to myself has eased a little.  Knowing me though, the next stage would be for me to announce it on facebook or something.
Interesting article about bullying and depression - it seems the message is getting out there and I hope that others who suffer from mental illness are treated in a favourable light in the workplace and the message goes out that bullying is unacceptable whether it caused the depression in the first place or whether it already exists.

An a step backwards again

Bad week. It started with a difficult appointment with the Chief doctor (Dr. H) and psychologist (Mr. S.) where we looked at my alcohol consumption and reasons why I can't control it or how it makes me feel.  It touched on something from way, way back which sent me in to a near panic attack but it really shook me up.  I quickly dropped into a hole and stayed there for two days, missing one day of clinic because I couldn't get out of bed. Dr. H ripped a big plaster from my inner feelings and I nursed myself better by crawling under the duvet and hiding.  Progress because I didn't turn to alcohol to numb the pain.


I know in the long run that letting these emotions go and understanding myself better will be worth it, but sometimes it's just so damn fucking hard.


I attended the first meeting of the current module in the Emotions Regulation Group (ERG) the same day as the above appointment occurred.  I didn't participate very much, because I couldn't get my thoughts together, but I have homework to complete and so have taken on board effective interpersonal skills. One thing still doesn't sit well with me - If I follow a "formula" as to how to behave, how will I be able to let go the real emotion i.e. getting angry as this is replaced with calm negotiation? It seems a bit, well, like mind control "you will act as I say" mentality. Still ruminating over that one.

Sounds like a plan....

So my appointment went really well (for me). I have got a review of my medications, can start the day clinic next week (seeing as I am not on holiday) and have had shit loads of bloods taken for testing (not sure what for but certainly my thyroid again). I feel quite positive today, although a little muddled in where to start first with paperwork, bills etc. I think I need to start being a control freak with my post and deal with it straight away. The trouble is, I am very good at making lists and sorting things into relevant piles, I'm just not very good at the actioning bit.

I also need to sort out a year round job - after my appointment with the RAV (unemployment office) last week, I seriously need to get my act together and start applying. Have already failed my target last week of 2 jobs. I just keep looking at my "intray" (cardboard box) and it looks just a little bit too much right now. My best way of dealing with being overwhelmed is, well, to go and have a "power nap" for three hours or so and then tackle stuff head on. When I am motivated. Which I kind of am right now but am using my energy on procrastinating on the internet instead of doing stuff I should be doing. I'm doing a good job of convincing J that I am job hunting now that he is home from his appendix operation and noticing how much I am on the internet.

Not thinking about next week. I'm sure I will be fine, of course I will. There's nothing to be anxious about except my brain being fuddled and completely forgetting how to speak any German whatsoever.

I had a really sweet phone call from a friend of mine this morning - I had sent her an SMS to say I would be "off the mountain" next week and did she want to meet up, because I would be in the nutty clinic. She phoned me to say I wasn't to call it that and that I wasn't nuts. Nearly made me cry in a kind of happy sort of way. Sometimes I really feel cared for.

Psycho appointment

Got an "emergency" one in a couple of hours so hope my Psych is looking forward to half an hour of ranting about how shit meds are, that I am raging and irritable and what is the bloody point.

Hope he enjoyed his holiday.

Anyway, don't think I will be getting a financial incentive to take my medication - I mean, what is that about? If I get to a stage where I refuse to take them I think it's time to go to the nutty room. Well, I need a holiday and at least I get to do some "therapies" like painting paper black, making stuff out of clay that can be thrown at the wall etc.

Shorter post than the last one (no, really....)

You may have noticed my blog has turned pink. This is my attempt to be all girly and also to brighten up my posts. Something about colour therapy.

The last few days I have been pretty hyper (for me). Up before 7 a.m. (unheard of normally) and stay awake the whole day - I am getting so much stuff done!! I never knew there were so many hours in a day! All this despite a cold.

I really, really, really do not like the Lamictal stuff though. Am convinced that the drenching night sweats are down to this although I can't find much evidence of others experiencing this on the internet reviews I have found. I still have new spots appearing on my face every day. My bf tells me he still loves me anyway, but I feel so ugly and unsexy. And bloated. And I never really worry about my weight these days, don't even know how much I weigh, but I am definitely a heffer at the moment.

Waiting for my Psychiatrist to get back. How dare he have a holiday like right now!! No, I am pleased he is having a well earned rest with his family but I miss not having an appointment with him this week. The doctors at the day clinic said I must phone if I have a crisis, or in a major crisis go to A&E, plus my GP did to. I always tell them of course I will, followed by the statement that I say that to stop them telling me to contact them because I know I never will because I convince myself that I am a) wasting their time, b) am clearly feeling sorry for myself and should just buck up my ideas and c) my bf probably won't let me for fear of me being locked up.

Tackled the hoooooogggge pile of bills, got them organised, know where I am financially (without a paddle) and finally built up the courage to talk to J about it all. I showed him a budget I had drawn up for the "fresh start" in the new apartment. He didn't seem that impressed, more impatient and that it was too much hassle for him. Could I simplify it? OMG is a joint account for bills a little bit excessive? I told him it was up to him but it was a way of making sure we had bills paid and some in reserve for emergencies rather than scraping around when a bill comes in. I pointedly put on how much money he has left over after all bills but didn't mention it but he did say that most of it was spent on food shopping which he and I both know is bollox but he was getting tetchy.

This, combined with the cold and sheer worry about how I can tell my friend that there is no way I can go on the holiday she has been looking forward to all year (no money, no passport, no money to get new passport), can feel myself starting to dip. Everywhere is so loud at the moment, can't get any peace to think.

Also had a message from an old friend who gave me a brief (unasked for) update about an old lover/flame/The ONE which I was eager to read but sad to hear he seems stuck in a rut. If only I hadn't fucked up and we were living out our dreams together like we planned.

The past is the past and all that crap.

Something for the weekend

Had my Psych appointment yesterday and had to go through the whole embarassment and guilt of last weekend. Got some temporary meds for weekend and now lots of thinking time as I finished work today. J not happy at all, he is not into drugs or doctors. Anyhow, we talked a bit more after my appointment.

I think my Psychiatrist is really busy at the moment, he seems a bit stressed, or maybe he is sick of the sight of me and my whinging. Wouldn't blame him if he was - I'm sick of myself.

So I am allowing myself tomorrow to mooch about and do housework then spend some time with J. From Monday I will have a plan in place so that I stick with some routine.

That's the plan, will report back on the reality.

So, how are you feeling?

OK, so I had my psych appointment on Friday and I actually felt really good for a change. I was confident I could tackle my debts (ooo00 paid loads through internet banking straight out of my pay!!) although hadn't realised quite how far behind I was with my Psych bills - oh well, all paid now. Felt a lot hungover but I think I avoided mentioning it quite well and the Powerade hangover cure worked. Then I went out the Friday night as well although it was my friend who was absolutely hammered and not me.

I cant seem to stop the drinking - I know I really shouldn't because of the meds but I don't seem to give a damn right now and am walking a thin line. I promised myself september 1st to give up - we'll see tomorrow.

So how's the treatment going?

Well, so far there have been "no noticeable" side effects of the lamactil or whatever it's called (interesting raspberry flavour though, not nice when you've just brushed your teeth before bed) but seeing as I have been caking on the factor 50 I haven't had any sun reactive rashes (so far....).

Had a psychiatric appointment last Friday. Wasn't really in the mood for talking (plus I was tired from my boyfriend dragging me up the mountain the day before and have the prospect of working the next 8 days in a row) and had been feeling a bit tearful and depressed about how beautiful the world is around me sometimes. Wish I was in the UK living again on the islands off Cornwall, but I don't think that's going to happen or be right for me - it will just be running away again.

But I like running away.

So listening to my iPod on the way to the appointment and on the way back the songs were getting more and more towards the Radiohead end of things. My boyfriend noticed when I got home that I was not "right" and waited until the initial tiredness of sorting my brain out after my psych appointment before asking me how I was. the thing is, I am finding it more and more difficult to express how I feel and am sick of the sound of my own voice. Just want the world to go away. Anyway, J gave me a long hug and let me cry on his shoulder, then made me a cup of tea. this last bit is significant - he hates making cups of tea.

Typical, am feeling atypically depressed today

So I had an appointment with my Psychiatrist yesterday. I wasn't really in the mood for talking anyway, so the appointment could have been over and done with in five minutes, but I woffled away for half an hour in the end about nothing in particular. He did well to listen - if he was as bored shitless as I felt talking crap then he didn't let it show.

Then today the weather turns shitty and rainy and foggy but I braved the outside to go to one of my many part time jobs - lifeguard at the open air pool in the village. Well it was shut because of the weather and I only get paid for the hours I work, so crappy weather = no money = more bills. Luckily over here most companies are pretty patient if you can't pay immediately - it is normal for purchases to be accompanied by an invoice, perfect for the addicted to internet shopping like myself (having set aside the addiction to smoking and drinking for the moment) as I can click away and soon have lots of lovely, exciting parcels sent my way. You can then phone them up and say, "look, I'm just a bit skint at the moment - could you wait until next month/next year/next century?"and theytell you "yes". Great, except for my shopping addiction which has caused debt again (why why why don't I learn from past mistakes?) and now have the embarassment of going to the social services to say, "look, I know I am a foreigner in your country and I do pay taxes here but I am a crap person and order stuff off the internet I don't need (except for CSI:Miami box sets which are a necessity) and now I can't pay my electric/phone/mobile/health insurance etc. My boyfriend has helped me as much as I can and it is getting embarassing now as I have to ask him to lend me money to buy a train ticket for my sodding appointments in another town and keep nicking his cigarettes which is a punishable offence for a nicotine addict himself. I don't think they can send me home at the moment though - my passport has run out and I can't afford the couple of hundred francs to get it renewed.

I ended up checking out the webpage of one of my exes "flames" who I noticed is 23 years younger than him!! He could be her father!! What a sicko! And the stuff she says she likes on her webpage is exactly like me. Of course, he doesn't know that I know who he sees/shags/dumps etc. but I have my contacts. I am now in the cycle of "why did he dump me, what's wrong with me, I want my old life back" etc. etc. and getting out the photo albums and start blaming myself for being such a crap girlfriend that no wonder he dumped me. Obviously can't tell my current boyfriend about it because I don't think that would go down very well after 4 years This has made me upset and have fleeting thoughts of a) taking a bucket load of every drug I can lay my hands on and go to sleep peacefully and not have to stress myself out with this crap anymore (plus J won't be there) or b) taking apart a razor blade and bloody well make some blood. I have persuaded myself at the moment that neither are a good idea because a) I have to work at the swimming pool tomorrow and I worked bloody hard for my lifeguard certificate IN SWISS so I'll be pissed off if they pump my stomach as I will feel guilty for missing work and upsetting my cat and b) it's summer, bikini time and scars will ruin my tan.

Bloody men. Fuck up your lives for years, even when you haven't seen or spoken to them cos they are in a different country and despite telling you that you remain friends forever, you find out that in fact, they really are lying bastards.

Anyhoo, this stress and anxiety has made me want a drink. So round we go again, bring on the red wine and get pissed, spend money that I don't have in the first place (thank god for bar tabs) and when I recover with the worlds worst hangover the bills are still there.

And there I was yesterday saying that my meds were fine and I feel great. Mind you, given all the stuff in the media and internet it serves me right for giving in to the evil that is the big Pharma and popping those pills like M&M's. (But it feels so gooooood and surely its better than snorting cocaine or something? - not that I have ever done that, I pass out and throw up even after a spliff. Plus I can't take another addiction, it's getting boring now.

Well, I think I will try the "distraction technique" which will not involve red pens or elastic bands (what a load of bollocks that is) and go and watch Holby City and play guess the illness.