Sunday, 26 July 2009

Early Morning Wakeup call

It's 2.40a.m. and I have woken up as usual. The 3a.m. hour has developed in the last few weeks - I haven't had this much trouble with my sleep since....well......I think over a year ago. The pharmacist owner Maryanne (Apothekerin) asked me if I was stressing about anything and then it hit me - this had started once my work hours had been cut.

It's not like I am consciously thinking about this (apart from playing in my mind a scenario where I sue his dutch ass for making me involuntarily unemployed) but I guess it is just there. I'm not sure if I am in denial, more ignoring the problam, not that it will ever go away but the tuth is too big and scaary to comprehend.

So I have been taking a teensy dose of seroquel to help me - the drawback with this is that it makes me really really groggy the next day and tired for most of it, not something I usually experience with that either. I think I am in some kind over oversleeping/stress waking cycle and can't seem to get out of it. It's so frustrating. Probably typing on this doesn't help either!

The other major thing which plays on my mind when I am trying to sleep is her. Let me explain who "her" is. She has stolen my life. She has the interests of my ex, she has wormed her way into his family who haven't contacted me for the last six years (I know what you are saying - contact them - I have done in the past but after a year gave up when I wasn't getting any replies), she is there in photos with him at functions when it should be me. I have lost the best friend I have ever had in my life and she, being perfect and funny and happy all the time, has taken my place. Of course someone like that would. Who wants to deal with a depressed person? But my heart aches. "Her" even mocked me - spoke to a friend of mine saying that there was nothing between her and him - when I hadn't told anyone how I felt. So that caused some problems with my current boyfriend. Well of course it would, how can I be like this about my ex when I should want to be with J?

My feelings are mixed with loyalty to J, losing "the one", jealousy (not an emotion that I have experienced much in the past but since my ex dumped me I have experienced a lot - I guess I am more insecure again) and generally feeling bad about myself. Even though my ex would call me a victim, I feel out of control of my emotions and can't react reasonably to stuff like this or deal with rejection. Hey, it is atypical depression after all! So then I start feeling bad about feeling bad etc. and so the whole process goes in a circle.

My appointment last Thursday was rescheduled because the psych was off sick so I have to wait until next Thursday to be assessed for nutters united group. How on earth am I going to be able to accept the past and how things are, I just don't think I can do it, I've tried and tried and tried but that's why I went back on tablets because I can't. I don't think I can ever settle knowing I have lost him forever. I know I am such a problem to everyone.

Great, now I am crying, not big wracking sobs but tears flowing and heart ache. Two days ago started thinking about death a lot. Again. Looked this up on the internet to see why I would think this and found something about suicidal ideation. The good thing is that apparently I don't want to die, I am just obsessed with dying. But that I may make an attempt. Great, so then everyone will think I am an attention seeker rather than someone who can't express how I feel because if I will do I will have a breakdown (I can feel it lurking) and just wants to sleep and not think (right at this moment I really want to sleep).

I'm such a mess. Got my normal psych appointment on Monday but I have no idea where to start to try and explain all this. There just seems to be too much noise everywhere that I can't get away from and be alone for a while, just for some peace, especially as there is family staying with us at the moment and I have been trying to keep on a brave face and it's starting to slip.

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