OK, so last week I went to the UK for a week. Before this, a couple of things happened here to really upset me.
First, I found that all the Norway stuff, NOTW and Amy Winehouses death REALLY touched me. I was getting all ranty about right and wrong, crying and feeling generally shit about life and the world we live in. This culminated in an arguement with my exes sister in a bar about how wrong she was when she spouted that Amy Winehouse brought it all on herself as she had all the support she needed and didn't do anything about her addictions. I argued that addictions are complicated and she was compelled to keep her drugs and alcohol lifestyle because of her addicitions which she couldn't really help at that stage (bear in mind my exes sister went out with a serious drug addict). Anyway, i stormed out the bar in a rage and came home and cried and cried. She had also said that people "like that" can help themselves where as people with cancer can't etc. etc. So I went home and sent a ranty email to my psychiatrist, as follows:
OK, BILLS – the situation is this. I am now with the Sozialdienst – Herr A, so anything he needs to know, you can tell him. He has been really helpful and I had 2 appointments with him last week. I am back with Avanex – they paid my hospital bill for March but anything 1st Jan – 30th June they will not pay until the arrears are cleared (hence I am back to the same situation as 2 years ago). Herr A is trying to get agreement that they will pay the bills. However, if they won’t pay them, I can offer 100chf a month to clear the arrears of medical bills (i.e. yours). Could you plese let AKCM know this so they don’t register with the Betreibungsamt. I will also need Einzahlungscheins to repay.
Me - was good, now not so good. I have been generally OK but over the last two weeks fighting dropping lower and lower. There is so much happening in the world outside Wengen that I can’t understand and frightens me and is making me anxious and upset (Norway, Phone Hacking, Amy Winehouse’s death). In fact, I have just left RBar after an argument about Amy Winehouse which upset me as apparently she had lots of help and is still dead therefore it is her fault, it’s not like she had cancer anyway. And this comes from J’s sister who went out with e drug addict from L for many years (M in case you don’t already know him). Walked home crying – why don’t people get it that addiction for some people is a real problem no matter how much help they get? I feel so worthless and pathetic that I only have depression and should just “get over it”. Maybe I should, but these last few days I have felt so low without explanation and I just can’t get it across to people. And yet, for the week before I was on top of the world and reading self help books and making plans.
My schoolfriend wants me in England this weekend for her mother’s birthday. Her mother is like a second mother for me (ex-nurse too) so she has paid for me to go. Maybe it will do me some good to get off the mountain for a while.
I thought I was doing so well – OK, no job ( I didn’t get that job last month and a couple of others I really thought I was in with a chance of rejected me) – all I am doing is dog-walking for a friend of mine who has returned to college but that’s only as a friend to get me out of the house and to be doing something rather than nothing. I see Dr A on 4th August when I come back from the UK.
I know I am rambling about nothing, but I don’t want to book another appointment until I have paid your bills. But I am just so upset at the moment. I am still not sleeping (unless I take Seroquel) which is not helping but I really feel lost and lonely and stupid and useless. And I have lots of questions for you – I have been reading too many books about how Psychiatrists are all influenced by Big Pharma and that the brain chemical theory is all a myth so I feel even more stupid and useless because I feel the antidepressants do help me in some way, but maybe it is all in my head because you are conning me (according to them). I don’t know what to believe anymore, all I know is I don’t feel right. And I don’t understand it because I felt good for a while – full of plans and ideas and a way forward. But today I don’t. And speaking to people they just make me feel worse because apparently I am in control of getting help and therefore have no right to feel the way I do. After all, it’s not like I’ve got cancer, is it?
Sorry to take up your time, I am writing this when I am feeling quite low and confused.
Actually, this is the first time I have rad it back and maybe it doesn't seem so bad that I emailed him as it was a definate cringe factor for me that I had sent it. Anyway, luckily he was out of the office until 4th August. However, when I was on the train to the airport one of his colleagues phoned me but I couldn't really speak as I was on a train full of people and didn't want to discuss my mental state of mind so I just said I was "fine" (?!).
I'd also had a rant on facebook which my exes sister saw because she "liked" one of my comments. I take that as her way of apology. she has been super nice to me since I came back from the UK.
So when I was away I demanded that my ex stay at my place to look after our cat (my cat now). Which he did. I filled the fridge full of food as it was a bank holiday and he was working stupid hours for the August 1st celebrations. When I came back last Wednesday, the studio was in a TIP - dirty, messy, his stuff everwhere and NO FOOD. I'd been up since 5 a.m., got back at 4pm and was not best pleased. To be fair, when he saw me (I went straight to the bar after shopping) he did apologise about the mess but I was soooooo cross I couldn't even speak to him. He came round to my flat many hours later to "pick up his stuff" even though I had told him not to and he ended up staying the night. I think he was wanting a bit of sex (as to complicate the matter he is now my fuck buddy) but he didn't get any as I am on. Anyway, two days later he came round again during the day for a "shower" and I am sure sex but I lied and said I still had my period as I just couldn't be bothered. And then he wants me to sort out HIS health insurance, tax, debt in the UK etc. I just keep saying yeah I'll do it and keep leaving it. WHY do I keep enabling him?
So the UK - it was FANTASTIC! I went to see my schoolfriend whom I have known for over 20 years (god I sound old). She paid for my flights so I could be there for her mum's 70th birthday which was a lovely day. Her mum is like a second mum to me and it was great to see her and feel loved and cared for. Anyway, E (my friend) took me out to see her social life and I met some of her new friends who are lovely. They made me feel so welcome. I didn't go out every time she did because I was knackered from the Seroquel, but I slept better, ate better and felt better for the week there. In fact, her friends were begging me to stay and not go home by the end of the week. For the first time in ages I felt included and wanted and loved. I can't leave this bloody country until all this health insurance thing is sorted out. Even though I think I can return to the UK and get a decent job with more money to pay the debt back quicker, I don't think I am allowed to leave the country permanently with a debt.
So now I am back home. And I have dropped into a hole again. I missed my doctors appointment on the 4th as I was asleep so have rescheduled. But I feel lonely and very sad and dwelling on stuff. I am usually back on Twitter, facebook and blogging but I just haven't felt like it. I've been drinking a lot too, which doesn't help. I am content with life here but it's not enough. And then I think, if I go back to the UK, is it just another distraction, major life changing thing that I tend to do when life gets too much which doesn't actually solve anything?