I'm still here

Wow - didn't realise how long it has been since I last posted.  Once Ski school started I have been thrown in at the deep end, told on day 2 that I needed to work more hours and an adhoc job in a shop that I have worked in on and off for a couple of years has become a daily pastime.
So, my review of 2011 (a bit late, I know):
January - drunk. relationship problems
February - dumped.  Drank some more
March - breakdown Overdose of tablets and stay in hospital.
April - moved into own studio apartment.  Holiday in England for 2 weeks. Drank lots
May - looked for work. Signed on at jobcentre
June - no work
July - no work
August - Started walking friend's dog when she returned to college. Finally felt a semblance of "home" in my new apartment.
September - all too much.  Lots of doctor's appointments, psych appointments. Meds changed. Doc's wanted me to go into psychiatric clinic.
October - went back to UK for 3 weeks instead of Psychiatric clinic. Similar.
November - waited for snow
December - snow came, ski season started.  Went from no work to 44 plus hours a week.

And then 2012. After a crappy Christmas (working so didn't even open my few presents until a couple of days later) and a lonely New Year (ended up drinking too much and sadly joining the tourist info girls for a drink outside in the rain) I then had my birthday to look forward to. Only before that, the dog which I had been walking unfortunately had to be put down.  He was 2 years old nad had an incurable autoimmune disease.  I still miss him (I am more of a cat person but this dog was ace) and cried lots.
The rest of January I was wrestling with the demon drink and knew I was drinking too much, every day as a routine.  The 30th of January was the last time alcohol passed my lips.  Wish me luck.  My friend in Spain who has been dry for over 4 years has been a lot of support and very inspirational.
February so far has been too busy for me to think, let alone write anything.  My mood has dropped - so far this year I have felt pretty manic and on top of the world.  Now I feel like shit.  I got Bronchitis and a Sinus infection last week and had 2 days off work, plus yesterday and today (not a popular decision with Ski School as it is the busy season i.e. time off only if you are dying) but I felt sooo grotty and am so exhausted that I couldn't get out of bed that it was a tough but necessary decision.  I am not sure if this is the depression creeping in again.
Sometimes I think I might as well just go back to the UK now and forget going at the end of season.  But I want to make sure everything is square here before I leave.  All my wages go directly to the Social now and I send them my bills for them to pay.  Luckily in January I earned 3500 chf (about 2000gbp) - sounds a lot hey, but you don't live in Switzerland.
Good news about my apartment though - my ex has decided to take it on as it is cheap and "our" cat lives here - he doesn't want him to move again.  This is great as the catflap is fitted to a window which I would have had to get replaced.  Plus it is warm (hence my ex has stayed over 5 nights out of the last 7 as he has no heating).
I don't know, all feels like such a muddle at the moment.  I just want to get packed and get over to England but am disillusioned by the state of the UK, living in a town I hate and the need to earn money.

Am I going crazy again?

I feel like I have reverted back to 2004.  And why? Well, 2004 was when I last drank heavily on a continuous basis, went out every night partying, behaved inappropriately, was loud, lairy, got told off at work (a lot) and basically felt out of control but DIDN'T GIVE A SHIT.
And that's what it has been like over the last week.  Starting from just over a week ago I was low, depressed, crying for no reason, feeling worthless, avoiding going out of the flat.  Roll on to last Tuesday and suddenly I felt, "why not, let's just go out and socialise" thinking this would be a positive thing and make me feel better rather than holing up at home.
But the problem with me is when I drink, I simply do not know when to stop.
And make a complete tit of myself.

So, to Wednesday night.  I only went out because some bloke, T, who I did some cleaning for said he might pop in the bar to give me the money for the cleaning.  I was going to leave at about 9 o'clock whether he had turned up or not as he was over for the week anyway.  But then....I bumped into another friend, who was waiting for another friend and before I knew it this other friend ordered champagne to celebrate something or other and T rocked up at 10.30 with another friend of mine after they had been to dinner somewhere.  Me getting caught in the moment was a total social butterfly, jumping into conversations thinking I had something useful to contribute, talking like I know about stuff, flitting from one person to the next, flashed my tits to some random person who was a friend of a friend (along with two other girls but it was my idea) and generally made a complete arse of myself.
Afterwards I did calm down a bit and invited N and T back to mine - my ex had left me a bottle of wine and N grabbed one from her staff room.  We all had a nice calm chat back at my place and then N left.  T and I continued talking for another couple of hours and before I knew it we were in bed together.  And it was lovely.  Until Thursday morning after he left and I suddenly felt awful about what I had done - my ex is still a fuck buddy and I felt like I had cheated on him (work that one out cos I can't!) and the whole day did the walk of shame, severely hungover.
Luckily T doesn't want a relationship and neither do I, plus he is über discreet and didn't want my ex finding out either (people seem to be intimidated by him) and so we tiptoed around each other, until he left on the Sunday when he came round and we ended up in bed again (it was better sober!).
Am I out of control?  I don't know.  I feel it.  I've had some setbacks with social services and my health insurance again which has affected my mood.  But I don't understand why I can be so low one day and totally outrageous the next.  I suspect I know the reason why and don't want to admit it to myself or speak to my psychiatrist about it in case he says the dreaded words, but I don't think it's just Atypical Depression.  I mean, I even decided two weeks ago "bollocks to the medication" and seriously thought about just letting the prescription run out and come off the meds (I have been on them 4 years and this is the first time I have ever felt this about the meds).
I am so mixed up.  Anyway, see my social worker tomorrow and hopefully he has good news about my medical bills and that I can book another Psych appointment.
Until then, my friends, take it easy and lay off the wine.
x

More sleep

So I tried a night without Seroquel and it didn't work - 4 hours sleep.
Today, I slept in until 4 pm.  I don't know why and as I lay in bed and dreamed about how good life could be, I lost track of time.  And I feel bad about myself.
I have been reading a lot about Buddhism over the last week and really like the philosophy, I just don't know how I can start living it. I have learned there are different schools of thought and I am pretty certain which one I want to follow, but I have lots of questions about it and can't afford to go and see someone to learn to meditate properly and get these questions answered.
Am still trying to control the drinking and have great support from a friend on fb who has been dry for 5 years now.  She enthuses about how she has turned her life around and it really inspires me.  I just wish I had some willpower.

Quiet Voice

This gets said to me a lot when I am drinking.  I managed to silence a whole bar with my drunken ramblings on Tuesday. I was pissed off with missing my Emotions Regulation group because I hadn't organised myself with my train and bus pass or money to get there, so had to turn back home. And hit the bar. And the wine was on special offer.  So I drank.
I felt like I was the life and soul of the party, a social butterfly, everyone liked me.
The next day i felt like shit.  I don't remember leaving the bar to go home at all.  I don't remember knocking over the coffee table and contents. I don't remember trashing the bathroom, probably from stumbling around.  I don't remember my boyfriend trying to wake me up when he got in.
And I still don't remember.
I have got to stop drinking. But I don't know how.

Relapse

I returned to the clinic yesterday morning after a "trying" weekend.  I had a row with my boyfriend about the Liverpool Poisoned Dwarf and was still stewing over it so by the end of Monday I was fuming and ready to let rip with not only him, but anyone else who dared to cross me.  Rage is a strange thing to explain - I feel my chest and throat tighten and the term "my blood boiled" is a very effective way of describing the feeling. Anyhoo, did the usual and went and got drunk. Yep, alcohol of the red wine variety in enormous quantities.  It didn't help that my friend working behind the bar kept filling up my glass without me asking (I know that she does this and yet never stop her) and before long I was staggering home with J, fell asleep on the sofa, only going to bed 2 hours later (and tripping over a large old style TV in the process - house moving).  That's 5 hours of my life. Gone! Vanished! All because I have no control over my drinking habits.  There is a strange sense about me that I don't even care, but the pragmatic side knows that I must or it will only get worse and I will repeat the errors my dad made.  So time to grow up and face facts, I cannot drink alcohol in a controlled manner.


I had my weekly meeting with my assigned person, Herr S. who I feel I can trust. We had, in the previous week, completed an exercise in which we were looking at difficult situations and how we reacted to them and were asked to complete homework.  The argument with J and the subsequent alcohol consumption was a perfect example of when feelings go wrong. So we discussed how I dealt with the situation, what feelings and emotions I was experiencing and considering alternatives.


What came out was that I had a choice at the crossroads and needed to take the other path away from alcohol. I realise I cannot stop at one glass, I know I can abstain from alcohol (as I did Feb 08 - Feb 09) and I don't want to go down that road.  My strategy for this week is to get to Saturday without alcohol.   Afterwards, I will try for the next week and so on.


I also have problems with my health insurance - there was an outstanding bill which was pretty bad, but now they want shit loads of money in back-payments which were refunded to me before they will pay my day clinic fees.  I am sure I am up to date and cannot find any premiums or reminders of premiums that are unpaid.  I see the sozialdienst (social services) tomorrow or Friday and hopefully they can advise what to do.

Outpatient Clinic: How the appointment was and other non interesting things

Am just taking five minutes out from a kind of "dinner party" as I want them to leave. They all sound like they are having fun but I want them to leave now. Grrr. Feeling a bit aggressive right now.

So, I had my appointment on Monday at the Tagesklinik (day clinic) run by a very fast speaking German who did say I had to tell him if he spoke to fast. I arrived there in good time (tick) and was greeted by Herr S (can't remember his name) who seemed vaguely familiar but I wasn't sure why. Turns out he used to work at the Psychiatric clinic where I had stayed two years ago although he didn't remember me (of course not, I wasn't in any groups to remember as my German was not so good then). I was there for about an hour being assessed as to, well, I don't know really, whether I am good enough, the right calibre, not too mental? I just want to make raffia stuff (as my boyfriend keeps teasing me) so that I am not at home thinking about stuff. So, I think I passed as I have been accepted (and was told my German was good but of course I know that when I get upset that I can't concentrate or think straight and I know they were just being nice). Felt a bit drained afterwards but met up with a friend and did some retail therapy just for good measure.

I have been waking up every night for the last couple of weeks or so in a cold sweat and when I say sweat I mean bedbath. I have too change the bedclothes every day, even if I wear PJ's. Is this a side effect of the medications? Seems to have started with the Lamictal now I am on the "full dose" as per my plan. I am currently on (start raising eyebrows now as have the clinic and my "GP" and my chemist:

300mg Venlafaxine (a.m.)

300mg Wellbutrin (a.m.)

50mg Lamactil (a.m.) 50mg (p.m.)

In reserve for emergencies: Rivotril (at .5mg a pop), Seroquel (up to 100mg)

Yeah, quite a lot. Even my Psychiatrist (I hope he is having a great holiday, it must be so boring listening to mentalists all day - am sure I would be saying "just get a life will you!") has said it's a lot so we are going to review it when he is back. I want to push for some kind of mixed plan so I have meds, group therapy and day clinic for activities. If none of that works, well, certify me and throw away the key! No hope!

As for the group therapy, I am starting the "Emotions Regulation Group" in November which I am strangely looking forward to. I know I can be all over the place and although I accept this condition a lot more than I used to, I still need to work on effective coping strategies and I know I will feel more enthusiastic (probably the competitiveness me returning) about formulating and sticking to a plan.

Embarassingly I had to "sign on" today. Oooo, was sooooo embarassing and thank goodness there was no-one in the office when I was doing so. Had to say I was going to Tagesklinik (bring on the "not going to show a reaction but being really careful what I say" look. Anyway, I have a Welcome to being unemployed pack which my boss has to fill in (problem: he is in Alaska until end October which is not known for fast communications) and now feel under pressure to sort that out too. Thought maybe I can work on a strategy in the clinic in one of my "free" times. All I want is enough money for a train pass but they seem to insist you have some kind of pay for being out of work, which I don't think I deserve because I am an Ausländerin (foreigner).

This all starts when I get back from "holiday" (another story).

So, I also have developed what I would like to call mild Swine Flu. Well, I suppose it's just a cold really.¨

Enough woffle, really must learn to keep shorter posts.

So, how are you feeling?

OK, so I had my psych appointment on Friday and I actually felt really good for a change. I was confident I could tackle my debts (ooo00 paid loads through internet banking straight out of my pay!!) although hadn't realised quite how far behind I was with my Psych bills - oh well, all paid now. Felt a lot hungover but I think I avoided mentioning it quite well and the Powerade hangover cure worked. Then I went out the Friday night as well although it was my friend who was absolutely hammered and not me.

I cant seem to stop the drinking - I know I really shouldn't because of the meds but I don't seem to give a damn right now and am walking a thin line. I promised myself september 1st to give up - we'll see tomorrow.

Drinking again

Really shouldn't. Really really shouldn't. I drink far too much in one go, end up making a complete tit of myself and feel like crap the next day. Plus it's not strictly recommended on the meds I am on (Venlafaxine 300mg, Wellbutrin 300mg, seroquel up to 100mg, latriwahtever no idea how many milligrams as changes each week).

So the new meds (Latriwhatever) are building up slowly in my system and last week I had the headache from hell. Can't decide whether its from the new meds or from sitting in the sun for 2 days in my lifeguard job. Anyone?

So this week have sat in the shade, slapped on more factor 50 and no headache as yet. Actually, that's not true - just remembered I did have a headache yesterday afternoon and thought it was a thunder storm coming in (a headache is my early warning system for storms - maybe its cos I live at altitude). Well, whatever.

My medical insurer has kicked me out of their membership because I am behind on my premium payments. So I have one more week to come up with an alternative plan and there is no guarantee that the new insurer will give me a low premium. either way I am stuffed.