Tuesday, 11 August 2009

I think my cat is as mad as me

I've started writing quite a lot recently - stories, experiences, diaries - anything really. I'm obsessed. Maybe it's my own therapy, I don't know, but it's the only thing keeping me from thinking about my past and love lost. I can't function properly. My skin is really bad at the moment and I am getting lots of spots on my chin, I've been eating loads and just can't stop, so my body is not at the top of my list of favourite things, usually I am not that bothered and relatively happy with what I look like.

My cat is chasing round the apartment at the moment, leaping about the walls and running up and down the corridor - I wanna do that! I want to scream and rage and leap and punch and scratch and bang my head against the wall to stop these thoughts forever. I'm tired tired tired of it, no-one will ever truly want me because of this horrible illness - who wants to put up with that. I always knew I would be better on my own, but my life experiences have made me so untrusting and insecure in myself, I need the security of some kind of love to stop me from harming myself. The difference is that my current boyfriend is a pretty good listener and the first one i have told about my self harm. The others before (even "the One") didn't know in the 5.5 years we were together or the 6 months after we split although the harm came out in other ways (drinking to unconsciousness and allowing myself to be "used" for sex promiscuously, but this can wait for another time).

Sometimes I am so tired of this life and I don't kow what to do.

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