Difficult psychiatrist appointment last Friday and it's only today that I can face talking about it.
First, we discusse dmy job. Now I know it sounds idyllic working in a ski resort, but it's bloody hard work. It never stops - even on my day off I clean chalets just to make ends meet (as working in ski school is dependent on how busy it is and is usually part time). My job this season is supervising the childrens ski area, making sure ski instructors are working together and effectively, sorting out drinks and snacks for the breaks and taking kids to the loo every five minutes, as well as trying to pacify those who are crying their eyes out and screaming for mummy. So it can be pretty stressful, especially when it has been some years since I had a proper job with decision making responsibilities. I seem to have lost the ability to think clearly and make concrete decisions - I'm getting there, but I feel pressurised by it. Teaching ski-ing is way easier.
So the increased pressure has made it more difficult for me to relax and take time out - the exhaustion from the decision making and running around and being shouted at all the time (good and bad) means that most afternoons I am asleep instead of doing something constructive like---oooh----exercise, go skiing, meet with friends. So my target this week is to be more active. Like I am now, staying awake until the plumber turns up to install the washing machine.
We then moved on to how was my relationship with my boyfriend, J. Not good. J seems to have stopped communicating with me, is constantly tired, constantly ill with a cold and has been having some sort of mid-life crisis since last November. I feel selfish for saying this because he has supported me so much, but it should be a two way process. This came to a head on Friday night when I came back from the Psych and met him for a drink (yeah, I know). He insists there is nothing wrong with "us", that only he can help himself out with this. The thing is, I am losing patience, the way I see it is that I have major things wrong with me and have been big enough to try and take my responsibility for me, even thought it is really hard. Plus his behaviour impacts upon both of us, so why there might not be anything "wrong" with "us", our relationship is affected.
Which brings me to the third area for discussion. My ex (the one, my true love, my best friend) visits in February. I have no idea when or where he is staying but all I know is I usually have a setback because of the way I feel about him. I have tried emailing a couple of times last year but had no reply so I should accept that he doesn't give a damn about me, but it still hurts. This is the first time I have been into any detail with my psychiatrist about my relationship with T and what went wrong so I was really shaky about it. These are feelings I try to bury and it's really hard discussing it, even 6 years after we officially split. I am meant to be "over it" by now. But I am not. Nad some days it feels I never will be.
Then onto meds. I stopped taking the Zyprexa because it made me fat, so now I am trying Entemen or something, just something to take the edge off. I didn't go into too much detail about how I haven't felt much like going on recently, but I will try this new med and see how it goes.
In the meantime, I will listen to Newton Faulkner on repeat on my iPod as the words seem particularly poignant at the moment. My idea is that if I cry and cry about it, maybe some of the hurt will go away. Got to be better than downing a bottle of wine.