I HAVE to get a job tomorrow. I can't put it off any longer, even though my anxiety has been getting the better of me. So I have been reading every self help book and listening to self esteem CD's that I own to try and boost my self belief and confidence.
J called by today at about 1.30pm. I was still in bed. I could tell he didn't approve but he's not the one who is suffering insomnia at the moment and due to his army years he can survive on three hours sleep a night. So I felt really guilty and then spent the rest of the day worrying about how guilty I was feeling.
My guts are churning though - I have tried visualising me going to speak to the hotel manager (who I know) and getting the job and receiving the pay at the end of the month. If I earn the money then I can pay off the health insurance debts and take away that anxiety. So I have to do it, I have just lost all trust and confidence in myself to be able to commit to work. I know once I am in work I will be OK because I will have the routine and it is a job where no-one is breathing down my neck all the time so no pressure there, but there is a nagging doubt in the back of my mind - well, that voice that tells you that you can't do it, it will go wrong, that I am no good, I am a failure etc.
Plus there is still this sodding insomnia to sort out. I have been taking more Seroquel as Dr I said I should try that rather than using sleeping tablets as it will also have an antidepressant effect and take that edge off that I am experiencing at the moment. But I am almost scared to go to sleep as I don't know what tomorrow will bring and am anxious about that.
I spoke to my best friend, E, today. Her new house will be ready in August and I am welcome to go back to the UK anytime after where she will take care of me and get me back on my feet again. I have told her it will more likely be near Christmas by the time I have sorted out all the shit over here. It's a goal anyway. J heard somehow that I am planning to go back to the UK - he said I can't take my cat with me as he will never cope in a town as he is used to wide open spaces and countryside. He has a point I guess, but its my cat........In that past I rehomed my three cats when I was with my ex and we went travelling and I swore that I would never do that again. But J found the cat for me so and it looked like we were going to be together forever.
Which wasn't to be.
I am focusing on daily affirmations and on future goals to keep me going at the moment. This week I have been missing J quite a lot. Also, last week I heard that some of the desperate housewives have been having girly nights and BBQ's together and they didn't invite me, so I was really upset (still am) as I take things like that really personally and then wonder what is wrong with me, am I not good enough for them. But I will never feel "good enough" as it has haunted me throughout my life and I simply can't seem to shake the feeling.
I have been reading lots of other mental health blogs and my heart goes out to those who are finding life difficult right now...you are not alone........