Monday, 4 July 2011

Activities and sleeping in

Yet again, I failed to get up before midday.  This happened yesterday and the day before and the day before etc. although yesterday my ex came round to give me a free pass to the local outdoor swimming pool as I said I couldn't afford to go - of course, he caught me sleeping in which really annoys him as he keeps telling me I should get up and do something.  Admittedly last night I read my book until 3.30 a.m. and had taken seroquel to help me sleep, but I feel so guilty anyway about lazing about in bed when I should be up and doing something.  But I find it so hard to leave my duvet as it's a big scary world out there.
I wrote a plan for each day and pinned it up next to my bed.  My ex laughed at it and said I wouldn't do it.  But I like to think that maybe, maybe one morning I will wake up early and complete at least some of the things on the list.
Yesterday I spent most of the day curled up in bed with my cat.  I should explain my cat, Sam, likes to go out hunting or whatever and disappears for three days only coming back for five minutes to eat.  He occasionally goes back to mine and exes old apartment (where ex still lives) and sleeps, but he always comes back for food.  And then he spends a day asleep on the bed to recharge his batteries before repeating the cycle.  So I like to take advantage of his company, hence curling up with him yesterday.  He gives me a lot of comfort and unconditional love (unless you count food) and I love him to bits.  If I go back to the UK, ex says I can't take him with me.
Today I have been reading (the 4th book in 2 days), this one set in a ski resort which is hit by an avalanche (living in a ski resort, this book holds some interest for me).
Haven't had a drink since June - small steps and lots of encouragement from my friend on facebook who hasn't had a drink for 5 years now.  I am desperately trying to stop drinking completely and she is keeping me strong although I know really she thinks I won't manage it. I even missed a party (well I wasn't totally sure if I was invited anyway) last Friday because I knew there would be alcohol there.
I just wish I wasn't so crap at stuff.  I used to have such confidence in myself, such drive and these days it is completely gone.  The thought of leaving my apartment to go and do something like exercise makes me so anxious that I make excuses not to do it.  When my ex phones me he always asks what I've been up to and I am tired of making up stuff to tell him so it sounds like I have done something that day.  Except smoke and read or watch Jeremy Kyle.
Tonight I have deliberately not switched on the TV so I am not tempted to stay awake to ridiculous hours watching crap.  Instead, I have spent time on the internet madosphere to get up to date with blogs etc and even had some courage to leave some comments.  It's been nice, I feel connected with fellow mentalists and not alone.
Must phone up about my unemployment benefit tomorrow.  J has said he will give me 200chf so I have some money to live which is great (unless he wants it back) but I really need the money to pay bills, especially my Psychiatrist bills so I can get another appointment.  I have a HausArzt (GP) appointment on Wednesday (9 a.m. so HAVE to get up) and he is usually pretty understanding about delays in paying my bills (1 year last time).  He was going to copy some DVD's for me so hopefully he hasn't forgotten.  At least I get to talk to someone.
Still no job.  Am paranoid that 2 I applied for I didn't get because my ex boss is friendly with them and made up some stuff about me (we no longer get on after I worked for him).  If I find out that is the case I will go ballistic.  I think I might accuse him anyway because he is crap at lying.  It's just one of the replys said it was nothing against my character or my experience, which is a pretty weird thing to say.  His ex-wife works for one of them so maybe she will be able to let me know if he has said anything to put them off.  And if it is the case then I will make his life hell.
See, all this time not working makes me think to much and even now I am talking myself out of my feelings of paranoia - maybe I AM justified and right in being paranoid for once.  Maybe I WILL be in the right to get angry.  Problem is, no-one backs me up.  None of my friends, my ex, anyone.

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