My plan today was to go and climb a Kletterstieg (also known as a Via Ferrata) with my ex and another friend of ours, the lovely and very cute P.
Unfortunately this wasn't to be. Whilst I trust my ex (he is Mountain Man Superhero), I didn't trust the weather, which was looking decidedly stormy and I hate thunderstorms. Plus we were leaving late in the morning because ex was working and so I was even more mistrusting of the weather (and rightly so - there was a very long thunderstorm).
So I am beating myself up about being so pathetic, and disappointed that I didn't go - it would have been fun. But I think my fears and anxiety was appropriate to the situation.
Ex came over last night - he cooked for me because I was working (yes! Work! Albeit casual) yesterday afternoon) and I think he was lonely and also wanted a shag, to which I obliged as I have difficulty saying no to him and ...well...I have my needs too! But this raises the question of why I keep doing this. Is it loneliness? Sometimes. Is it weakness? Yes. Is it a hope we will get back together? Maybe, although I don't think that will happen - he wants to be "alone". Is it to stop him going off with someone else? Absolutely - if he's shagging me, he won't want anyone else. I guess this is manipulation on my part, I'm not sure. I don't feel like I'm being manipulative, I just feel weak and can't say no, even though this is not a healthy situation. It was OK for the first couple of months but now I am finding myself getting upset after he leaves. Or wierdly, want him to go when he is there.
It's not the living on my own that's a problem. I am used to my Spinster Studio now, it feels more like a home and cosy with my cat. I hate going back to my old apartment (where ex still lives) - it feels cold and uninviting and empty. But sometimes, especially late at night when I am trying to go to sleep, I feel so lonely, alone, unwanted. It doesn't help with this insomnia which means I have to resort to Seroquel to help me (which has also calmed down my bad feelings during the day). And it doesn't help that I have no routine to get up for and sleep in way to many times and for way too long.
There's always tomorrow, I tell myself. I can always start over then. I will get up before 9 a.m., I will meditate, have breakfast, exercise, fell better about myself, do more.
And then tomorrow comes and repeats itself and before I know it, the week has gone.
So another round of planning today - a sleep and activity diary printed and ready to go. Maybe if I see how inactive I am then I may shock myself into doing something to change.