Friday, 1 July 2011

Progress

I feel bad.  Very bad.
I've been feeling (up until now) pretty stable, not unhappy, able to cope.  However, a couple of things have been happening which I think have contributed to my mood suddenly skydiving.
First - ex boyfriend.  He split up because he said he wanted to be on his own.  Then he said a couple of weeks ago that he had never needed anybody (and although I don't want to feel needed, it's still hurtful that he doesn't need me in his life).  Now he is saying he is lonely.  Oh, and for some reason I still keep sleeping with him.
Second, I just found out that 3 and a half grands worth (CHF) of bills DID NOT get processed by the bank at the beginning of April.  And they didn't even send me a letter to tell me.  So I came back from holiday thinking the bills had been paid and oh look, I've done well managing my money and have enough to last me two months, which has now been spent on...well....living costs. So I am again behind with my psychiatrist bill and at the moment am in limbo between two health insurers so have no idea who is insuring me and who is paying my doctor's bills.
When I found out about the non-paid bills yesterday I really tried to not obsessively think about it.  I tried to do what that patronising prick Eckhart Tolle tells me in The Power of Now to just live in the situation. So I tried to distract myself but there was this little voice in the back of my thoughts repeating "FUUUUUCCCCKK" no matter what I did.  I disassociated from my feelings to try and cope.  Didn't work, the voice was still there. So I took some Seroquel to calm the voice down.  Promptly fell asleep for an hour which pissed me off as I haven't been sleeping properly at night for ages and didn't want to mess up my sort of routine.  (I was awake until at least 2 a.m. so yet more Seroquel to help me sleep).  Woke up this morning feeling generally low, lethargic and like I wanted to cry (and haven't been able to all day). Forced myself to get dressed and go out into the village (I needed some shopping and to pick up a prescription for Naltrexon) and found that I was feeling a bit disorientated and anxious about all the people.  Picked up my prescription and had a really nice chat with my pharmacist (she is a star and orders my drugs on emergency many times as I forget to reorder in time).  She asked me if I was living somewhere new as she had seen me carrying shopping at the other end of town.  I told her me and J split up in February, which she didn't know (her boyfriend was J's boss).  Anyway, she split up with her boyfriend (which I knew about) - he was 45, they had been together 20 years and he, like J, just turned round one day and said he didn't want to be in the relationship any more.  So there we were, in the middle of the pharmacy, bitching about men and mid-life crises.  But she said I looked better and although I felt like crying (which she kept apologising for) it was more because she was being so kind about it and not telling me crap like there are plenty of fish in the sea etc, etc.  She said we could meet up for a soft drink (she knows I have an alcohol problem) and that I can phone her any time.  We were both of the opinion that it can be a bit lonely sometimes and the thank goodness for our cat (mine)/dog (hers) to help us through.  Oh, and men are crap, pathetic little babies that can't deal with real life.  (Bit hypocritical on my part I guess).
Anyway, am at home now, a friend of mine will be on fb later to talk about not drinking (again) and hopefully remind me of the shame of alcohol.  I managed today all right but it is hard.  Still, am at home now and no alcohol in the house so as long as I stay in, I can get through today sober.
Doctor (GP) appointment on Wednesday, need to make another Psych appointment soon (when the bills are paid).  Still no job.

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