Thursday, 28 January 2010

Germ Farms

The little germ-farms I work with (kids in ski school) have given me yet another infection.  This time a nasty stomach and sickness bug of which the only positive part is shitting out some of the kilos that the Zyprexa gave me. So now I am feeling really sorry for myself and wondering how to go on. It's such a struggle getting to work and despite my best intentions it's really hard to stay motivated.
I met with one of my friends who was at the day clinic with me and we had a really nice afternoon drinking peppermint tea (ladies wot lunch) and supporting each other.  I was quite honest about my drinking habits and she talked about her medication and difficulties with her job. I felt like we understand each other and what each other is going through (to the extent that you can relate to each others experiences).
And then I left and I felt sad.  And lonely.  And not well, so I went to the doctor about this stomach bug because my boss was nagging me about getting better before the "high season" (alas not a reference to illegal drugs but to the busy part of the ski season) as there is absolutely no way I can afford to be ill financially or job wise during the whole of February.
I have my appointment with my Psychiatrist tomorrow but I really don't feel like talking.  I feel like I am becoming more and more introverted.  I am sick of myself.  I am sick of the meds.  I am sick of all my wishes to get better, of trying to make improvements to my life and taking care of myself coming to nothing because I can't quite manage to get motivated or get organised.
I feel at a total loss what to do with myself and the absence of Zyprexa I can only obsess about one option.

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